5 Months Later... Update!

[12Network]

Hi all,

 

This will probably be kind of long, but I was obsessed with this page when my ex and I first broke up (And by first broke up I mean like for a solid 2 months after we broke up) and I wanted to share to hopefully help someone else.

 

So background, my ex and I broke up in March after 3.5 years. I thought we were in love and on the road to soon getting engaged. We got into a seemingly small fight and 2 days later he broke up with me. If you want all the details you can read my old posts but basically I asked if there was anyone else, he said no, I asked if there was a chance in the future, he said he didn't want to get my hopes up but he didn't know the future.

 

So we decided to stay friends and kept talking pretty regularly for the next 2 months. I would try to hold it together when we talked but I was a mess. My job involves working with couples and relationships so I couldn't even get away from it at work, I was constantly reminded of it, I was slacking at my job hard but luckily my bosses were amazing. I started to see a therapist to help me deal with it and I didn't like her at all because she wanted to help me move on and I didn't want to move on, I just wanted to not be so depressed until he changed his mind. Looking back I didn't realize as I was going through it what a disaster I was.

 

After just under two months though I started thinking about it and started noticing inconsistencies or things that didn't make sense in his story. I hadn't planned on bringing it up but one day while we were talking it just kind of came out and I asked him if he had been cheating on me and he said yes, he had been for 2 months before we broke up. I asked if he left me for her and he said yes. And that was it. I told him what a sh*tty person he was and she was and that they belonged together. He tried to apologize and I told him I didn't forgive him and we didn't talk again, except to arrange for him to pick up his stuff. I was furious with him for about a week and then I just started getting better. I had been working out so that when he came back I would be in better shape, now I switched to working out for me. I starting trying to learn a new language, I got a new job (while still working just part time at my old job), I started going out with friends.

 

He only just came to get his stuff from my apartment last weekend. I had built it up and thought I would be really upset but honestly, I just didn't care. If anything, I felt sorry for him. Since we've broken up he's dropped out of his PhD and is trying to re-find what he wants with his life. I realized it wasn't me that was the problem (though I did notice some unhealthy relationship behaviours I engaged in that I've learned from and wont be taking with me into any new relationships), rather it was him all the stuff he has going on. I was a good person. Even when I found out he had been cheating on me, I didn't yell, post on social media, I didn't tell his friends and family (they think the two started seeing each other after an appropriate amount of time after the breakup), I didn't throw out his stuff. I just put all my energy into myself.

 

Now, 5ish months later, even if he did want to come back I wouldn't give him a chance. Since we've broken up I've lost over 40 lbs, I've been out dating and having fun, I'm starting my masters in the fall, I'm learning 2 languages, but, I think most importantly, I've worked on relearning what I like and what I deserve in a relationship. What is important to me and what I won't settle on in the future. I'm just happy.

 

I know that immediately after, a month, 2 months, however long it takes for you, it doesn't feel like you'll ever be happy again. And for me, I didn't want to get better, I just wanted to wait for him to come back. I think the best advice I got was to move on, but if you need to keep the door open, keep it open. That was what lead me to start to think about his story and what didn't make sense. I was moving on, but it was safe because if he came back the door was still open.

 

The people on here can be pretty harsh (like sometimes too harsh) but they do know what they're talking about. Go no contact. Go out with your friends. Do things you like to do, if everything reminds you of them, take up a new hobby. Get a haircut, workout, create a badass playlist, and mostly just give yourself a break. Going through the dissolution of a relationship is one of the most stressful things people go through and it's ok to not be ok for a bit, but do get help if you need it. You are all amazing strong people and you will get through this!

[HeartGoesOn]

Congrats, and well done!

 

 

[Sarah Whittle]

Bravo!!

[Hollyj]

Good for you!

[Ben9394]

This is so motivating thankyou! My ex left me 2 weeks ago and it was just the worst, out of the blue, 2 days after telling me she saw a future with me, and didnt want anything to do with me but said i did nothing wrong i got told everything by everyone "your better than this, you deserve better" all that stuff, i left the door open too, its still open, hoping that because i did nothing wrong and treated her so well she might regret leaving and still come back but im starting to come to terms with the fact she wouldnt, she was a very stubborn selfish girl and youd never change her mind, And i am starting to think the same that if she did want me back in the future ide be in a better place and couldnt make it work with her after the pain she put me through, but theres still a part that would take her back because of what we meant to each other when it was going well. She knows im hurting and wont contact me shes blocked me on everything which im glad about because i wouldbt be able to stop myself contacting her but i always think about her, what shes probably up to, if shes talking to anyone, if she thinks of me and what she says to people about me but im getting better i think. I dont want to date for a while im scared to get hurt like this again im just focusing on myself now.

[SleekAvocado]

This is so motivating thankyou! My ex left me 2 weeks ago and it was just the worst, out of the blue, 2 days after telling me she saw a future with me, and didnt want anything to do with me but said i did nothing wrong i got told everything by everyone "your better than this, you deserve better" all that stuff, i left the door open too, its still open, hoping that because i did nothing wrong and treated her so well she might regret leaving and still come back but im starting to come to terms with the fact she wouldnt, she was a very stubborn selfish girl and youd never change her mind, And i am starting to think the same that if she did want me back in the future ide be in a better place and couldnt make it work with her after the pain she put me through, but theres still a part that would take her back because of what we meant to each other when it was going well. She knows im hurting and wont contact me shes blocked me on everything which im glad about because i wouldbt be able to stop myself contacting her but i always think about her, what shes probably up to, if shes talking to anyone, if she thinks of me and what she says to people about me but im getting better i think. I dont want to date for a while im scared to get hurt like this again im just focusing on myself now.

 

Indeed, don't date yet until you are fully recovered. Let the wounds heal fully and then only allow yourself to date other people.

 

To 12network, thank you for the motivation. It feels good to stumble upon your thread, you just gave me motivation to continue living my life and continue no contact.

[Scotty123]

Thanks for your post. You have done really well. My relatinship ended nearly 5 months ago too. But I haven't got to your place yet .... I'm working on it though

[jennylove]

Good on you for everything!! Not that you care at this point, but you have gotten some revenge already by doing so great while he is not -hmmm, grass wasn't so green on the other side huh buddy? Lol. And let me tell you, he WILL always remember how calm and collect you were when you found out the truth, not too many woman would ever be that "chill" - I'm sure you are very proud of this. Too many of us say thing we later regret.