We had an argument and I am afraid I wont hear from him again

[nutbrownhare]

I love him for years... if he has issues that do not allow him to build proper relationship for long time- doesn't he deserve the love too?

 

I've known many women who thought this; or the even scarier variant "Well I know he's a heroin addict/alcoholic but he says he wants to give up so I've got to support him..." and then gone on to have the most shockingly physically, emotionally and financially abusive relationships imaginable. Thinking you can love someone into behaving properly is a dangerous myth.

 

If your guy ever wants to have proper relationships, it's a decision that only he can make and put into practice - and even then, it would take a lot of work. You owe this guy nothing - especially not your self esteem and emotional health.

[IAmFCA]

None of us is responsible or able to dole out love as some sort of global justice program. Love of humanity, yes. Love as in relationship, no.

 

Love is between two people. Period. If you choose a relationship that has negative impacts on your emotional health, then you are making a self destructive choice. Why?

[LaHermes]

Kara. Forewarned is forearmed. In any future relationship always take a long hard look first.

 

Meantime:

 

A book

 

Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship Paperback

by Adelyn Birch

 

"When you create boundaries you take a stand for yourself and your life, and you communicate your worth to others in a real and practical way. This concise and powerful book is filled with practical wisdom and useful tips. It will walk you through the process of creating boundaries from start to finish.

 

You get to decide how you want to live. Find your courage. Live in an authentic way. Protect yourself and what's important to you. Gain self respect and the respect of others. Boundaries will help you do all of these things".

[MissCanuck]

No, no and no, wrapped up in more NOPE.

 

You cannot overlook his "issues" and try to love him into behaving like a mature and respectful adult. Take it from someone who once tried to implement the same flawed thinking.

 

This guy is an angry man and you're seeing just the tip of the ice berg. Don't go diving for the total shipwreck.

[KARA20]

Thank you again for further responses....much appreciated. To be honest I don't think I will even hear from him again, cause I did not "acknowledged "properly his response. I only said that I do wish that the day ended differently. He seems to be sensitive to the way I response to some texts but he is usually very plain.

I will let universe take care of the rest...my friend think am made for apologising.....that gave him opportunity to turn everything against me.

It is very easy for him to walk away from relationships....as if he doesn't have a heart. He convince himself that the other person is messed up and carry on...and he just constantly works...always busy.

I miss him terribly ........

[LaHermes]

No you don't Kara.

 

"I miss him terribly ........"

 

What you miss is the "what might have been" ...if he had been a mature and respectful adult.

 

Block him, ensure that you do NOT receive any messages from him, ever again.

 

Individuals like him do, unfortunately, have a dismal habit of popping up somewhere down the line.

 

Never ever be in this constant "apologetic" mode, Kara, with him or anyone else. That is something maybe you could work on, being more assertive.

[KARA20]

LaHermes, he is not all that bad.... if I just knew him these 3 months or so and this would happened, I would have blocked him. That would be the easiest thing ever...but I know him much longer. When we were just friends he always was helping me with various things...he helped me move house, he was celebrating my birthdays. We become intimate when we reconnected a few months ago. He never pushed for this. Never. It was more my dream and need. We are compatible on many levels, we laugh together like crazy, love the same things....only this one thing - him snapping at me- seems to be an issue.... given everything else is great- Would you really leave ??? not everything is just black or white -would you agree?

I am not perfect either ...trust me , I am stubborn as hell ....I wont contact him -no way-but if he will - I will give it another go

I really hope that he will contact me ....

[RainyCoast]

i don't get the placating.

 

 

when a person is shopping for their own office and pantry, paying for it, and have even made it amply clear they are very set in their ways, you really don't need to be telling them what to buy and where to put it. some may be tolerant and deflect your help more softly, but you've always known he isn't the person to do that. it is as if you feel a compulsion to soften a paternal figure.

 

additionally, i would've shut down anyone who brought up fb gossip with me, especially when it was about my friend. his remark was on point, and had it been me, i would refuse to deal with anyone who even needed it specified. it is juvenile, and that seems to be a theme with you.

 

considering you knew he was difficult and anal about the small stuff, i don't know what you expected.

 

and baby talk -doesn't go down well with many people, authoritarian ones much less.

 

i'd look for someone more relaxed, tolerant and flexible, and i would avoid authoritarian father figures whom i feel the need to be infantile with- and do my best to grow out of this need to regress to a daddy's girl.

[LaHermes]

"At the end I asked him if there is anything that he actually likes about me. He said that if he sees and likes to say something he will say it, he is 45 and wont change for nobody. "

 

OP this isn't an issue of someone snapping at you now and then. We are all liable to snap sometimes. The difference is that this man is controlling, disrespectful, does the silent treatment "punishment". You have I hope read what all the other posters have to say.

 

And yes, I would really leave, though it is very likely I wouldn't have been with him in the first instance.

 

I often laugh like crazy and love same things as many of my male relatives, and they'd be the first to help me move house, and even celebrate my birthday. That isn't compatibility for an intimate relationship, OP, and well you know it.

 

No one is perfect, OP, no one. But neither should anyone have to be demeaned or belittled.

 

But then I suppose you will do as you please, and all we can do is point out the issues.

 

"I would love us to continue but what else can I do ? He didn't have long relationship for long time and is very set in his ways .....I called him mr mean a few times when he picked on me and that is why during fight he said he wont be changing for anyone...although I never said a word that he should ...and I said that to him..he did repeat- I wont change for anyone whether you asked me to or not...."

 

Re the bolded remark, all I can respond is: I wonder why. Because no one else would put up with him. That's why...

[KARA20]

RainyCoast- thank you....you seem to understand his logic and reasoning....wish I could do that....thank you for this as this really made me think and now I feel a bit guilty for some of my reactions/ behaviour.

 

LaHermes, trust me that you have not wasted your energy on here...I very much appreciate everything you advised on here...at this stage the feelings are still strong...my mum said that I will naturally get fed up if this will continue this way.

[LaHermes]

Yep. R.C. Bottom line!

 

"i'd look for someone more relaxed, tolerant and flexible, and i would avoid authoritarian father figures whom i feel the need to be infantile with- and do my best to grow out of this need to regress to a daddy's girl."

[RainyCoast]

do my best to grow out of this need to regress to a daddy's girl

i mean because it will attract men who are the "cold, distant father" whom one needs to win over types, or authoritarian, controlling, abusive even.

[JustForYou1892]

Okay I created an account just to respond to this.

 

You are worth so much more than this Kara.

 

People don't need to be perfect but they need to be respectful to the others feelings and he isn't respectful of yours. You didnt do anything wrong because you were just being you and trying to be helpful. Pointing out a sale shouldn't cause someone to get defensive and angry. So stop making excuses for him. He may be a good person but he is not a good partner and that is why his relationships don't last. A partner should be willing to accept your suggestions without shutting you down or making you feel like . You deserve that and im sure you want that.

 

What he is doing is actually a perfect example of authoritarian and ABUSE. They are great sometimes so you grow to love them dearly. Everything is perfect and happy and he makes you feel better than anyone else in the world ever has. Makes you feel like you mean something. Then slowly starts making little demeaning comments to get a rise out of you. And pushes it until you snap. Then turns you're valid response against you calling you crazy saying you are overreacting gives you reasons why you were wrong and why your feelings mean nothing makes you feel stupid and childish and worthless. Then ignores you until you respond with an apology. And one apology won't be enough. You'll apologize and rather than end it there they will tell you again and maybe again and again why YOU were wrong. Rationally until you believe it really was all you. Then you become more theirs. They own you. You do more of what they want and behave more how they want. They need to be in control. It will get worse. There will always be something you are doing wrong. With great amazing bits in between that make you think eve rything is worth it or it will get better.

 

It will not get better. He will still be right. Even after you are gone. He will still blame you.

 

I'm not saying everyone doesn't deserve love because they do. Most people who act in negative ways ended up that way because of things that happened to them, but not always. And he might actually have a psychological condition that makes him that way.

 

That isn't the problem. You can still love someone and they can not be right for you. You can still love someone who is psychologically broken that's okay. But that does not mean you two should be together. He is not capable of being a true partner and until he accepts his faults and realizes he DOES need to change he never will be capable of being a good partner.

 

This is not easy to accept. I have been there. Sometimes love is not enough and sometimes you need to move on for you. You need to realize you are worth more. And if you don't think you are then that is your problem. And you need to find value in yourself so you don't end up with people who won't or can't give you what you need.

[KARA20]

JustForYou 1892 - am extremely touched by the fact that you actually created an account to respond to my thread....very touched. Thank you for your time and the great efforts.

It is like you were there...that is exactly what happened. He kept saying things that if heard as a single event, would be ignored or overlooked. However the frequency was growing and I heard nothing nice to balance this out somehow...so I snapped like he didn't see it before and the rest you know.

We spoke ever since and you are right again...he still gave me a little lectures... I recall he said about his previous partners that "after was finish they realised that what I done is for the good not bad..." when I asked why he broke up with a girl of one year -recent one - he said "cause she wanted to do everything for me".

I have strong feelings for him and at this point want to see if as stubborn as he is -he may wish to change a bit...if not I will naturally be gone and yes, he will move on super quickly convince himself it was my fault and that I was crazy anyway.

I tried to put myself in his shoes...and I bet each time he was meeting someone all was lovely until first fight when they saw how he handled it...perhaps he is now prepared for this. Behaving the same and sabotaging the relationships without trying to change. It is easier to repeat the same patters and convince himself that there is something wrong with women.. I am not planning to take on project to be his savour...no no

But I will approach him from a different angle and see if he is willing to change. He said things out of anger -we all do. My mum when is angry she kills with words...but she is the best person I know. Dad struggle with that but loves her dearly...she does love him too. I am not supporting ill environment ...I just don't want to give up just yet....

You have not wasted your time by writing on here- am taking all on board and will be very careful...

Thank you very , very much

[nutbrownhare]

My mum when is angry she kills with words...but she is the best person I know.

 

There are very good people who don't take others apart, no matter how angry they get. Honestly. Unfortunately, if you grew up thinking that this is part of a loving relationship then chances are you'll tune out things said in anger which really should be listened to.

 

Of course your guy isn't willing to change. He's told you so. He could conceivably pretend to for long enough to hook you back in again, but then it would start all over again. It depends how long you want to continue in an abusive relationship for, of course, and that's something only you can decide.

[LaHermes]

Kara when you say this I am reminded of a boxer wanting to go back in the ring for another painful bout even though s/he is bloodied, bruised, dazed, definitely not winning, but ...what the heck. Never mind the pain, I'll get back in the ring.

 

I just don't want to give up just yet....

 

Sorry to be so direct, K, but no he did not say things out of anger. Anyone can say things out of anger, and that is a very different matter and there is no comparison.

 

This man doesn't even LIKE you, Kara.

 

What a pity to waste your time like this.

 

What Nutbrown just said:

 

"Of course your guy isn't willing to change. He's told you so. He could conceivably pretend to for long enough to hook you back in again, but then it would start all over again. It depends how long you want to continue in an abusive relationship for, of course, and that's something only you can decide."

[KARA20]

I guess all of you had right...we met on Friday for dinner. We had a nice time and lots of laughter. Somehow between lines he said his priorities are to change career , write more , focus on his work project and get better care for his dad. He said is lovely to seeing me but these his priorities. He said what his plans are for the near future and I was not included. We spent night just cuddling and in the morning he made breakfast and took me home in the afternoon. 2 hrs later I received a text that I opened his bag of nuts without telling him and that is a simple courtesy in someone else's home. I simply forgot to telling him. He said that was very Annoying. As soon as I texted apologies. He texted " end of discussion " and I didn't hear from him since I.e. 6pm yesterday.

Clearly he wants way out ...i will give him that. I am done feeling this way.

[MissCanuck]

You really need to drop this guy.

 

Mr. Nuts for Nuts is, well, nuts.

[LaHermes]

Kara.

 

"2 hrs later I received a text that I opened his bag of nuts without telling him and that is a simple courtesy in someone else's home."

 

He really is a piece of work....and neurotic to boot.

 

It is YOU who should want out....

[KARA20]

Yes, I do want out now....there is simply no point to carry on...he said to my face what are his priorities and I annoy him to the core ...he took time to teach me manners over text message but he won't find time to ask how my day is going on Sunday. Just not sure how to do it....i guess I will just stay quiet ...

[KARA20]

I am gutted beyond belief

[LaHermes]

Kara:

 

"Just not sure how to do it....i guess I will just stay quiet ..."

 

No big mystery, Kara. Block him on your phone, email and all other communication, and do it NOW. If by any chance you were to encounter him on the street or anywhere else, just cut him dead.

 

Gutted?!

 

He isn't the only man on this planet, Kara. Thankfully not everyone is a neurotic bully like him.

[MissCanuck]

Gutted?!

 

He isn't the only man on this planet, Kara. Thankfully not everyone is a neurotic bully like him.

 

This.

 

This man is a jerk, OP. There are much higher-quality men out there who would treasure you. This clown isn't one of them. And he never would have been.

 

Block him. Yes, you need to. Not doing so will mean you get hooked again when he wants attention or affection. But then he will discard you again. He's not who you hoped he was.

[KARA20]

Thank you so much for your support and advice. What a shame that this happened...cause I really have feelings for him. If it happens that he will ask me what's the reason why I went quiet what best thing to say? First of all that am not even on his priorities ...or in his plans in near future. That I am not looking to be someone entertainment and a cheerleader.....and finally if I annoy him already that much than there is simply no point....

[LaHermes]

Kara.

 

There is to be NO discussion with him. No talk. There is nothing further to be said.

 

He can't ask you anything if you block him can he?!

 

Why are you even contemplating any interaction with this individual!