Guys...I've done it again

[thealchemist]

Basically what you're saying is I need to get more practice? I did do it out of "love" for this guy...but I believe I scared him off when I texted back that I feel like an object.

 

"It is hard for me to be the best with this because I am a guy and it works a bit differently for me. " - what does this mean, exactly?

I wasn't trying to imply you need more practice. I was trying to say that enjoying sex for many people requires more than a few times. So don't be too deterred if you don't really enjoy it at first.

 

And my lack of experience to your specific problem is because I am a guy and it is typically a lot earlier for a guy to get satisfaction from sex.

 

Your post sounded like you thought this guy had no deeper interest in you so that is what my assumption was.

[cherubrock]

I wasn't trying to imply you need more practice. I was trying to say that enjoying sex for many people requires more than a few times. So don't be too deterred if you don't really enjoy it at first.

 

And my lack of experience to your specific problem is because I am a guy and it is typically a lot earlier for a guy to get satisfaction from sex.

 

Your post sounded like you thought this guy had no deeper interest in you so that is what my assumption was.

 

Yeah I do feel it could get better not only with more times but with an overall better relationship...no I really don't think he has any deeper interest...I sort of waited around to see if it would change or get "better"...but no...

 

There is something that doesn't turn me on about the way I have been having sex...which is sporadically meeting and just for that purpose...my body just turns off completely...that night that guy literally had sex with a living sex doll haha !!

[cherubrock]

After I said that I felt like an object and we both agreed that we aren't really happy in this relationship..all communication has ceased.

[Tomara]

No offense but you sound needy. You objectified yourself by having sex with the guy, I don't think you should blame the guy.

 

You know what you are doing is wrong, you admitted it...... so stop. Wait for your feeling and his feeling to be there before sex.

[cherubrock]

No offense but you sound needy. You objectified yourself by having sex with the guy, I don't think you should blame the guy.

 

You know what you are doing is wrong, you admitted it...... so stop. Wait for your feeling and his feeling to be there before sex.

 

Yeah but I don't know why I objectify myself..I'm not really blaming him, I know I have a problem, and I already know our relationship isn't very good or "healthy"...but I don't think you should say "you objectify yourself by having sex.." some people just have sex but aren't "objectified".

[ThatwasThen]

"....I think the first time I was in a situation of "coercive sexual advances"

Do you feel like sharing more about ^^^ that, Cherubrock? Who coerced you, how old were you?

[cherubrock]

Do you feel like sharing more about ^^^ that, Cherubrock? Who coerced you, how old were you?

 

This was at 19 years old..I don't know why but I went to this guy who would help me with my math work, and this time it was at his car (I can't remember if it was somewhere public first then we went to his car, it was at night so the place might've closed) I was very inexperienced at the time, barely have even ever kissed a guy..so he just kissed me out of nowhere, then started to touch my legs/butt, I got kind of startled and I didn't like it..

 

I got out of the car and he followed and grabbed my butt several times...I was saying no and I even had to push him..he was trying to convince me to get back into the car saying he won't do that anymore..I don't remember much else what happened but that's the main thing...all I know is I continued meeting up with this guy on later days..again in his car "helping with homework" and of course he tried to get more physical..and again I didn't get aroused...I was numb..but for some strange reason kept "trying".

[ThatwasThen]

So you knew that he was going to try that on you again but you went to his car anyway. Did you find him attractive, did you like him, want to be with him but you just were not turned on?

 

Regardless of your answer to those questions, I really do think that speaking with a therapist will help you to understand your own motives.

 

Have you ever felt aroused in general? Do you masturbate for instance.? There are many people out there that are A-sexual.

[cherubrock]

So you knew that he was going to try that on you again but you went to his car anyway. Did you find him attractive, did you like him, want to be with him but you just were not turned on?

 

Regardless of your answer to those questions, I really do think that speaking with a therapist will help you to understand your own motives.

 

Have you ever felt aroused in general? Do you masturbate for instance.? There are many people out there that are A-sexual.

 

I was attracted to him physically...but I didn't get turned on by what was happening..and yes I don't know why I kept doing that..cause I guess I did want to like it.

I have felt aroused...a lot with a family friend as a teenager before this incident..but mostly it was a lot of teasing and flirting, he also never tried anything (like touch my private parts)..we were never truly alone..my family and siblings and his brother were usually around. In college I had different encounters but didn't feel anything either..even if I was attracted. I do masturbate sometimes and experience attraction and I desire a bf and to be in a healthy sexual relationship so I don't see how I'm asexual.

The one emotion I think that is subconscious but is driving all this is guilt/violation. I think this comes from upbringing and parents relationship influences. I'm a thin woman with curvy nice body...but growing up my mom was never thin and was always insecure about her body and her and my dad would have fights about this..

[cherubrock]

The "E-sex" I had with the guy I talk about in the original post sometimes did arouse me.

[cherubrock]

I think part of it is I grew up with a somewhat narcissistic, intrusive possessive mother...I remember her chastising me when I was a teen only cause I was flirting in my closet with a neighborhood guy friend, she made a big deal over nothing. I remember as a little girl maybe 6 or 7, she was scribbling black marker over girls in bathing suits in my dad's yearbook, because she would be "jealous" if my dad looked at that, and she had ME do it as well, I kind of remember feeling this "why?" feeling, like a vague feeling that that was wrong to do.

Even in college she still was at it...she found out I was out with a guy and she went over in her car to pick me up, she humiliated me, when she saw me she yelled my name out the car while I was holding hands with the guy just walking in the usual college hang-outs.

[thealchemist]

That is stuff that you have to work on. If you need help with it counselling could be nice. Just unloading it could help too.

 

My wife and I live in the bible belt. She was brought up with such a negative view on sex that it took a lot of work for her to get over that. She was essentially brainwashed into thinking sex was a bad thing. This persisted even after we were married.

 

She couldn't have a lot of enjoyment with sex unless she would lower her inhibitions. If your mom did what my wife's terrible church did then I can definitely understand that negative subconscious association with sex.

 

What worked for my wife was just finding a great guy that would take it slow and be understanding. We were a lot younger but we waited over a year before having sex. After that it took over 5 years for her to essentially overcome it. We were already married and she would still have issues too.

[cherubrock]

That is stuff that you have to work on. If you need help with it counselling could be nice. Just unloading it could help too.

 

My wife and I live in the bible belt. She was brought up with such a negative view on sex that it took a lot of work for her to get over that. She was essentially brainwashed into thinking sex was a bad thing. This persisted even after we were married.

 

She couldn't have a lot of enjoyment with sex unless she would lower her inhibitions. If your mom did what my wife's terrible church did then I can definitely understand that negative subconscious association with sex.

 

What worked for my wife was just finding a great guy that would take it slow and be understanding. We were a lot younger but we waited over a year before having sex. After that it took over 5 years for her to essentially overcome it. We were already married and she would still have issues too.

 

Yes..wow five years is a long time...she is blessed to have a guy with that kind of patience and understanding, I would be grateful.

 

The funny thing with me is, my family is not "bible belt" or not even religious...it's just the way my parents were...(my mom)...so it wasn't overtly..obviously restrictive...I didn't get to have a bf in high school, I wasn't "cool" and the guys I liked were also the "nerdy or dweebs" so nothing would really happen there.

[Bohunkbeast]

I don't think there is anything wrong with you. My guess is that you have not been really romanced and connected with your lover

[christinawards]

I second Bohunk. I too feel the same.

[SillyKate]

I think seeing therapist is the best you can do at the moment.

[cherubrock]

I think seeing therapist is the best you can do at the moment.

 

Yeah I'm gonna start looking around...my last therapist I feel didn't quite grasp my issue...her form of therapy was more "superficial"..I know I have this stuck emotion toward my parents especially when I'm around them, It's like an anger resentment sort of feeling, but while I'm feeling it I'm also wishing I didn't have that feeling.

[cherubrock]

I don't like this but I still feel this resentment/ill-feeling towards my dad but then I realize it's both my parents because they make up the relationship. I feel I'm more detached from the feeling than like a year ago (when my anxiety was pretty bad). I don't like that I feel this but sometimes there's nothing I can do much about it...I hope that this hasn't contributed to my relationships with men and experiences with sex.

[cherubrock]

Also I have noticed that the relationship with my dad is still kind of negatively affected, maybe it's because I'm "minding" it too much but I have caught him stealing a look at me and when I notice and glance his way he turns his head so I won't see but I do see! I don't know if bringing this topic up again will help. But sometimes I feel tense around him and I rather not wear revealing clothes when I'm around him.

 

It probably got worse because I ever talked about it to my parents the first time about a year ago. I probably shouldn't have but I was hoping to "mend" things..I don't like that my dad turns his head away when he looked at me...should I even bring that up? It would be better I think if he didn't turn his head away (means for whatever reason that he feels he shouldnt)

I don't want to be mad or judgmental about my parents and I don't want to feel ashamed or guilty about my body or anything like that.

[cherubrock]

That is stuff that you have to work on. If you need help with it counselling could be nice. Just unloading it could help too.

 

My wife and I live in the bible belt. She was brought up with such a negative view on sex that it took a lot of work for her to get over that. She was essentially brainwashed into thinking sex was a bad thing. This persisted even after we were married.

 

She couldn't have a lot of enjoyment with sex unless she would lower her inhibitions. If your mom did what my wife's terrible church did then I can definitely understand that negative subconscious association with sex.

 

What worked for my wife was just finding a great guy that would take it slow and be understanding. We were a lot younger but we waited over a year before having sex. After that it took over 5 years for her to essentially overcome it. We were already married and she would still have issues too.

 

So what exactly did she do to "lower her inhibitions"...did you ever pressure her? How were the other aspects of your relationship? Did she have problems with arousal?

[thealchemist]

So what exactly did she do to "lower her inhibitions"...did you ever pressure her? How were the other aspects of your relationship? Did she have problems with arousal?

Sorry for a late response.

 

I did pressure her some. From the start of our relationship I gave her the disclaimer that I would never marry a woman I had not had sex with or never lived with. But my pressure was quite harmless. I mainly just tried to get her aroused too much for her to not want to. Took over a year before we actually had sex. I was 18 then though.

 

Also some light use of alcohol helped a lot. I wouldn't recommend much especially if you aren't in a meaningful relationship with the guy though.

 

My wife also became aware of how brainwashed she had been as a child.

 

But the biggest thing that helped was simply that she wanted me to be happy in our relationship and I wanted her to be happy. So if both people have that attitude it will probably work.

 

I am a guy that like to have sex 5 to 7 times a week. My wife and I had a lot of practise in a very happy and safe relationship. That is another big reason. I also wouldn't settle for her to just have sex on my behalf. Not like there is any pressure on her but I was going to keep trying to get her to love it as much as I do.

 

Now she is quite comparable to me on wanting it often. Just takes a patient and caring guy. That is why I think you will have issues trying to bust through this block with relatively emotionless sex.

 

As for the other aspects of our relationship... I don't really know how to tell you with sounding supremely arrogant. If something happened to my wife, she has ruined any relationship I could ever have. Nothing could ever compare. I would just be a single dad forever.

[cherubrock]

Sorry for a late response.

 

I did pressure her some. From the start of our relationship I gave her the disclaimer that I would never marry a woman I had not had sex with or never lived with. But my pressure was quite harmless. I mainly just tried to get her aroused too much for her to not want to. Took over a year before we actually had sex. I was 18 then though.

 

Also some light use of alcohol helped a lot. I wouldn't recommend much especially if you aren't in a meaningful relationship with the guy though.

 

My wife also became aware of how brainwashed she had been as a child.

 

But the biggest thing that helped was simply that she wanted me to be happy in our relationship and I wanted her to be happy. So if both people have that attitude it will probably work.

 

I am a guy that like to have sex 5 to 7 times a week. My wife and I had a lot of practise in a very happy and safe relationship. That is another big reason. I also wouldn't settle for her to just have sex on my behalf. Not like there is any pressure on her but I was going to keep trying to get her to love it as much as I do.

 

Now she is quite comparable to me on wanting it often. Just takes a patient and caring guy. That is why I think you will have issues trying to bust through this block with relatively emotionless sex.

 

As for the other aspects of our relationship... I don't really know how to tell you with sounding supremely arrogant. If something happened to my wife, she has ruined any relationship I could ever have. Nothing could ever compare. I would just be a single dad forever.

 

Thank you Alchemist, this was a great and thorough response. I can definitely agree with you in that a lot of my issue with it comes from not having that emotionally connected relationship with a guy who can be patient and caring.

It is very difficult to communicate with the guy I know in any effective matter, he mostly wants to be right and "his way or highway" kind of thing. He wants a great sex relationship without putting in any "work" and just expects it to happen automatically, when from my side I feel it's distant and disconnected. Also none of us has our own place where we can be alone and unperturbed.

 

I also haven't felt safe and close enough to him to disclose that highly personal information about my sexuality (yes even if we have already had sex). So I'm guessing he is thinking that I don't "want or need" him and just "playing around" and that's why I'm not pursuing the sex.

 

Don't worry at all about sounding arrogant. That's actually such a sweet thing to say, she is lucky to have a guy like you!

[thealchemist]

I'm sure you realize this but I would recommend not sleeping with someone until you are at a point in your relationahip when you can talk openly about such things. I understand that is easier said than done in today's world. I would still say that you should try.

 

Second bit of advice. Don't settle. If this guy is not putting in the effort you put in then he is probably a waste of time.

 

Lastly, you said that you just can't talk to him about it. My wife and I talk about everything all the time. We have been that way since we were 16 and I would call it our best trait. We are so close and strong because we are a team. That happened only because we can talk to each other about EVERYTHING. If you don't feel like your communication is being reciprocated then you aren't going to have a great footing for a good relationship.

 

I am actually a guy that never really thought I would get married. I don't even care for the concept of marriage. But with my wife all those notions went away. They went away after talking with her for a few hours. Communication is really the foundation for all the good relationships I see.

 

If you feel you can't communicate with the person you are with then it might be time to find a new person.

[cherubrock]

I'm sure you realize this but I would recommend not sleeping with someone until you are at a point in your relationahip when you can talk openly about such things. I understand that is easier said than done in today's world. I would still say that you should try.

 

Second bit of advice. Don't settle. If this guy is not putting in the effort you put in then he is probably a waste of time.

 

Lastly, you said that you just can't talk to him about it. My wife and I talk about everything all the time. We have been that way since we were 16 and I would call it our best trait. We are so close and strong because we are a team. That happened only because we can talk to each other about EVERYTHING. If you don't feel like your communication is being reciprocated then you aren't going to have a great footing for a good relationship.

 

I am actually a guy that never really thought I would get married. I don't even care for the concept of marriage. But with my wife all those notions went away. They went away after talking with her for a few hours. Communication is really the foundation for all the good relationships I see.

 

If you feel you can't communicate with the person you are with then it might be time to find a new person.

 

Yes I feel the only times he will "communicate" is when he's either idealizing the relationship or devaluing it (arguments/blaming/mental games/guilting)..but I've noticed when I try to communicate what's really going on it's met with a kind of "talking to a wall" kind of feeling...

 

So yeah I just don't feel I can say that to him...especially when we mostly communicate through text...but I feel I have to say something so he doesn't think Im not interested in him or just playing games or as he said "fake". Even when I told him I was a virgin he didn't even ask to find out more, he just thought I wasn't even serious and said "are you really a virgin?"

 

It's just something that is the most personal and deepest thing about me...not even my best friend knows..it's just difficult to feel emotionally close to him and that I won't be rejected. I also don't want to disturb people That must feel so good that you have your wife who you can talk to anything about, that is actually a rare thing in relationships. So what prompted you two talking for a few hours where you let go of your notions of marriage?

[thealchemist]

I didn't care one way or another about marriage. She wanted to get married. We both comprised on a few things. It was more important for her to get married than it was for me to not.

 

I am also a very financially aware person so I was worried about the cost. She comprised a lot and we did a lot of work ourselves so it was inexpensive.

 

Communication and comprise. But to start with just need two dedicated people.