thealchemist Posted September 19, 2017 Share Posted September 19, 2017 Well she thought that intercourse before marriage was terrible throughout her childhood. Even after she consciously knew that wasn't true she had issues with stuff subconciously. We went really slow with everything physical. She would just get a lot of guilt that she couldn't explain. She never had an issue with getting turned on though. I am still not totally sure what was going on in her head but she would act weird after sex and she would deflect questions about what was wrong. I just left her alone and let her know if she wants to talk I am here. It took many years before I felt like she really enjoyed sex. That is pretty common though. She was primarily motivated to have sex because she knows my libido. After awhile she started to open up a lot more and get into it and actually lead during sex. She now has a libido nearly equal to mine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thealchemist Posted September 19, 2017 Share Posted September 19, 2017 I would really advise you to hold off on going to areas of privacy so that the guy doesn't get the wrong idea. I would also not worry about guys you don't find physically attractive. Hold off on sex until you are ready. After you introduce sex into your relationship don't let it replace everything either. Also don't let a guy just do his own thing during sex and be done. You won't get into it if you always let a guy be selfish, and most are, even if they don't know it. I would also make an effort to do things to be intimate without going straight for sex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherubrock Posted September 19, 2017 Author Share Posted September 19, 2017 I would really advise you to hold off on going to areas of privacy so that the guy doesn't get the wrong idea. I would also not worry about guys you don't find physically attractive. Hold off on sex until you are ready. After you introduce sex into your relationship don't let it replace everything either. Also don't let a guy just do his own thing during sex and be done. You won't get into it if you always let a guy be selfish, and most are, even if they don't know it. I would also make an effort to do things to be intimate without going straight for sex. Yes I would like to do intimate physical things that won't necessarily lead to sex. It's like once I feel "pressured" I just turn off. I don't know if it's guilt or fear but I feel it's all mostly subconscious. Yeah that's the thing though, most people start off with sex and it has already sort of replaced "everything". The last time I had sex it was rushed and he didn't even kiss me...I also think it was a bit too dark...makes it feel more anonymous and added to the fact he barely talks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thealchemist Posted September 19, 2017 Share Posted September 19, 2017 Yes I would like to do intimate physical things that won't necessarily lead to sex. It's like once I feel "pressured" I just turn off. I don't know if it's guilt or fear but I feel it's all mostly subconscious. Yeah that's the thing though, most people start off with sex and it has already sort of replaced "everything". The last time I had sex it was rushed and he didn't even kiss me...I also think it was a bit too dark...makes it feel more anonymous and added to the fact he barely talks. Take all the info you have gathered and try to figure out the scenario that will make you happy. I really think that my wife was motivated totally by emotion and none from physical for awhile. Physical desire came later. If you don't have an emotional connection and are lacking the experience to enjoy a physical one I can definitely see how you are having some issues. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
willdation Posted September 24, 2017 Share Posted September 24, 2017 I think its pretty normal what you are feeling...and it will all be ok...it takes sometimes people a lot of time to really figure out what they like etc... I would say take your time in meeting up with people, get to know them, and just have them take things slow...let them know you are not in a rush and just want to see how things turn out... I think when you are out in a bar or wherever, most guys just don't know how to act around women and instead persue too much and push and act like sex is the #1 thing on their minds....but there are still some decent guys out there that are more relaxed and easy going and won't pressure you...and will allow things to progress naturally at a pace that makes you comfortable.. I think you just need to find someone who makes you feel comfortable, doesn't pressure, and once there is chemistry, you can just communicate what you like and don't like and it will all be better Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherubrock Posted September 25, 2017 Author Share Posted September 25, 2017 I think its pretty normal what you are feeling...and it will all be ok...it takes sometimes people a lot of time to really figure out what they like etc... I would say take your time in meeting up with people, get to know them, and just have them take things slow...let them know you are not in a rush and just want to see how things turn out... I think when you are out in a bar or wherever, most guys just don't know how to act around women and instead persue too much and push and act like sex is the #1 thing on their minds....but there are still some decent guys out there that are more relaxed and easy going and won't pressure you...and will allow things to progress naturally at a pace that makes you comfortable.. I think you just need to find someone who makes you feel comfortable, doesn't pressure, and once there is chemistry, you can just communicate what you like and don't like and it will all be better I don't hear too many people saying they had sex but didn't feel any aroused at all...just saying. But thanks for your reply, I have been in a lot of those situations with "dudes in bars" type of behavior, even if it wasn't in a bar. I've realized that many of those guys I didn't really have any "real" relationship with...there were two that it seemed real because we talked a lot online, but I don't know it didn't really happen or feel like that in real life (the guy I mention here is one of them). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherubrock Posted October 19, 2017 Author Share Posted October 19, 2017 I've had further dialogue with the guy I've mentioned in original post. We had sex again in the beginning of October (it was better this time but still I was pretty numb) and he had left his hat at my place so he returned 2 days later to get it, and we talked a bit. He said "we can't keep doing this, this is unhealthy" "I don't trust you and we barely see each other" I cried a bit and said "I don't like that the only reason you contact me is something sexual" He even got teary-eyed and we hugged and he left. So I was really thinking this was officially the end but on the 13th of October he texts me "hi"...I was feeling like wait whaaaat. He asked me if I was alone again, and I wasn't. So we've been having e-sex since that and last night after he uhh finished I said I didn't have an orgasm. Then the dialogue opened last night after "e-sex" (everynight this week he's been texting me to have e-sex), he asked if I've ever had an orgasm I said yes but not sure exactly what caused it. He said "do you think you can orgasm thru sex? " I said I wasn't sure. I said "do you want to make me [orgasm]? " he said "maybe" Then he was asking about the real sex we had like what position I liked and if I came when we had it. He said "do you still want to have sex?" I said "Im not sure, why?" he replies "I want to" and I was feeling kinda self conscious about this conversation and said " Well u just gotta be willing to work with me a bit, this is part of why I said that Im not the "best" person for you..but yeah we will see I guess" And that was the end of it. I'm glad we talked more about sexual stuff but he still doesn't know that I've actually not been feeling arousal. Just curious, is it "normal" for guys to masturbate every day? (I don't even know how much he does) I think he can't sleep if he doesn't. I kinda have mixed feelings, like I want to orgasm too..it's kinda not fair and honestly I think he orgasms TOO MUCH. I don't think it's healthy to be cumming so much, but what do I know, I'm not a guy and I can't make myself orgasm. It kinda feels like you're playing basketball with someone and they are fit and agile and you have a bad knee or can't shoot the ball in or something. I don't know after I've said all that stuff he probably won't keep contacting me for e-sex or sex in general, not sure. Who knows what I'll end up needing, maybe some tantric sexual "healing" sessions or something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thealchemist Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 If I wasn't with my wife I would probably do it everyday too. Just so you don't think he is weird. When he hasn't had sex in awhile he will probably contact you again. Try to get a real boyfriend to have sex with and not a hookup and I think you will have better luck. That is the advice I would give myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherubrock Posted October 19, 2017 Author Share Posted October 19, 2017 But do you have sex with your wife everyday? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thealchemist Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 Well we have a 3 week old newborn so no. But up until she delivered at 36 weeks we had sex everyday to every other day. Sex holds me over much better than masturbating though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherubrock Posted October 19, 2017 Author Share Posted October 19, 2017 It just kind of tortures my mind that I react this way. I feel I react like a sexually traumatized person or something, and that there's no hope for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thealchemist Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 To be disgustingly frank, before I was sexually active I had masturbated well over 50 times in a week... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherubrock Posted October 19, 2017 Author Share Posted October 19, 2017 When was this? As a teenager , early twenties? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherubrock Posted October 19, 2017 Author Share Posted October 19, 2017 That's quite a lot...!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thealchemist Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 Teenager. When I was doing a LDR with my wife as a 20 yo I would do it just as much. When my wife came to see me,or I went to see her, we would easily have sex 20 times in a weekend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thealchemist Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 But we got to know each other in a relationship for nearly 2 years before we had sex. That is a lot of time to get comfortable with your partner. You never had that so I can see how you might have issues with intimacy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherubrock Posted October 19, 2017 Author Share Posted October 19, 2017 Was this when she still had her "issues" and stuff? Just my opinion, but that sounds excessive... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherubrock Posted October 19, 2017 Author Share Posted October 19, 2017 Well we did talk online, we met online! But the talks never got too intimate in that sense so yeah... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thealchemist Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 She had issues really getting into it nearly up to us getting married at 22(her) and 23(me). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thealchemist Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 I was looking for a partner for a LTR so we have always been very intimate in conversations. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherubrock Posted October 19, 2017 Author Share Posted October 19, 2017 I was looking for a partner for a LTR so we have always been very intimate in conversations. Just wondering did you guys do other stuff together besides sex? Like in those 2 years before marriage and stuff? That's always good that you know what you're looking for and act accordingly. In this relationship I feel like there's something missing...but I can't quite put a finger on what it is? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thealchemist Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 This guy... Do you have similiar hobbies? Do you like similar music or movies/shows? Do you go out and do anything together? I honestly couldn't have sex with a woman that I didn't have a strong emotional connection to. No matter my libido. I'm just not wired that way. I can't stress enough that you should get the emotional connection before you have sex. Not try to force an emotional connection after. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thealchemist Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 Just wondering did you guys do other stuff together besides sex? Like in those 2 years before marriage and stuff? That's always good that you know what you're looking for and act accordingly. In this relationship I feel like there's something missing...but I can't quite put a finger on what it is? To answer your question. Yes we were doing everything but sex at that point. She didn't even realize at the time bit she would actually orgasm when we made out because she would use my abs to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thealchemist Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 Well most guys have no idea what to do so trying to find a guy that does is like finding the needle in the hayfield. Easier to just get into a relationship with a guy and you both work on it together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 This guy... . >> . . . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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