Guys...I've done it again

[thealchemist]

>> . . .

Did I miss something...?

[reinventmyself]

Did I miss something...?

 

The `this guy' comment made me laugh

[cherubrock]

This guy...

 

Do you have similiar hobbies?

Do you like similar music or movies/shows?

Do you go out and do anything together?

 

I honestly couldn't have sex with a woman that I didn't have a strong emotional connection to. No matter my libido. I'm just not wired that way.

 

I can't stress enough that you should get the emotional connection before you have sex. Not try to force an emotional connection after.

 

Well we did share music and watched like 2 movies on skype one time, but this was before meeting in person....We don't go out and do stuff together...the sharing of music has ceased, I don't know what his hobbies are exactly, besides what I've already said haha. Let me just say we live in the same city and barely see each other...This year I've seen him only twice in person haha, I see him more thru a screen...

[cherubrock]

Well most guys have no idea what to do so trying to find a guy that does is like finding the needle in the hayfield.

 

Easier to just get into a relationship with a guy and you both work on it together.

 

WHat are you referring to here? Don't know what to do in what sense?

[thealchemist]

I think it is pretty normal to have an intimacy issue when you never see the guy and have no idea who he is really.

 

Under the circumstances you have listed I personally wouldn't get very aroused with such a limited connection.

 

Is there a reason you don't want a more typical relationship and settle for this?

[cherubrock]

I think it is pretty normal to have an intimacy issue when you never see the guy and have no idea who he is really.

 

Under the circumstances you have listed I personally wouldn't get very aroused with such a limited connection.

 

Is there a reason you don't want a more typical relationship and settle for this?

 

Yeah I do want a more typical relationship...I have no idea what the strange pull to "this" is...he's like distant but also played so many guilt-tripping, controlling, jealous behaviors and I was at fault because I tried to "fix" it or make him see that I'm not what he thinks I am but I feel now I shouldn't really bothered.

[thealchemist]

Yeah I do want a more typical relationship...I have no idea what the strange pull to "this" is...he's like distant but also played so many guilt-tripping, controlling, jealous behaviors and I was at fault because I tried to "fix" it or make him see that I'm not what he thinks I am but I feel now I shouldn't really bothered.

Omfg. You never said he was that manipulative. Dump his @ss and go NC then try to socialize more and meet someone who has a personality to share with you.

[cherubrock]

Omfg. You never said he was that manipulative. Dump his @ss and go NC then try to socialize more and meet someone who has a personality to share with you.

 

Oh yes, I put up with too much too...mostly thru texting..in person it's very quiet. Periods of "no contact" and silent treatments too. I guess part of it is he's insecure.

[willdation]

I have done "e-sex" and have really enjoyed it a couple times....

 

what is e-sex? Sex while on ecstasy?

[cherubrock]

what is e-sex? Sex while on ecstasy?

 

hahaha , nah not that wilddddd....it's just teasing and masturbating thru cams...

[paintedfish]

So I'm no paragon of sexual mental health, but I think that you are focusing on what's "wrong" with you so much that you're stuck in this guilt and shame vortex. I think with this type of person, you have set up a dynamic of you being wrong and him being right. And he sounds like a POS, and he is willing to just accept that you're the one with the problem. Also, honestly, and it sounds like you know, he doesn't really care about you or think about you. He seems to view you as a nuisance. I think why you feel pulled to him, which is classic in these cases, is that you crave his approval as he's the one making you feel awful.

 

I think therapy can help you. Therapists are like anyone else though, you have to get along. I think some people try one or two, and they don't find them helpful. But that's like dating. Two bad dates doesn't mean stop trying, you just didn't click. If you can get into it on a webcam or over the internet/phone but not in person, that means you can feel aroused, there's just a big roadblock in your way. If you are having these problems connecting, find someone who will help you connect and stop having sex when you don't want to, it's so damaging. And I think making your inability to feel connected in person worse.

 

You seem like such a nice person, I think you deserve a lot better than this pain given by people who just don't care. Loneliness sucks, but being with someone who doesn't like you or care about your feelings is worse, even if it doesn't feel that way.

[cherubrock]

So I'm no paragon of sexual mental health, but I think that you are focusing on what's "wrong" with you so much that you're stuck in this guilt and shame vortex. I think with this type of person, you have set up a dynamic of you being wrong and him being right. And he sounds like a POS, and he is willing to just accept that you're the one with the problem. Also, honestly, and it sounds like you know, he doesn't really care about you or think about you. He seems to view you as a nuisance. I think why you feel pulled to him, which is classic in these cases, is that you crave his approval as he's the one making you feel awful.

 

I think therapy can help you. Therapists are like anyone else though, you have to get along. I think some people try one or two, and they don't find them helpful. But that's like dating. Two bad dates doesn't mean stop trying, you just didn't click. If you can get into it on a webcam or over the internet/phone but not in person, that means you can feel aroused, there's just a big roadblock in your way. If you are having these problems connecting, find someone who will help you connect and stop having sex when you don't want to, it's so damaging. And I think making your inability to feel connected in person worse.

 

You seem like such a nice person, I think you deserve a lot better than this pain given by people who just don't care. Loneliness sucks, but being with someone who doesn't like you or care about your feelings is worse, even if it doesn't feel that way.

 

Wow, thank you for this reply, you seem to have a very good grasp of me and the situation. I DO feel like I'm in a guilt and shame vortex! And I DO focus too much on what is "wrong" with me! And as much as I wish it wasn't true, this guy doesn't really care, I don't think he has the will or capacity to do so (probably with anyone) but I do have a strange pull for his approval. It is definitely a I am the wrong one and he is right dynamic.

 

Are you a therapist? You seem like you could be a good one.

I will start looking for therapists. Also it's sometimes "difficult" for me to know when I want to have sex or not...but I guess what you mean is to wait till I'm aroused and desirous...which I really want to be, but yeah sex when you don't feel like it is no fun, and like you said, makes things worse.

[paintedfish]

Oh thank you! No, I'm not a therapist. I thought about it for awhile, graduated with a psych degree, but have gone the neuropsych route.

 

I sort of meant that about waiting, yes. It should be a given. I mean wait for someone who you can trust, who treats you better, and will help you get to the point where you are comfortable with intimacy. I think a good gauge of how well a person respects you and cares about you is, how much do they listen to you? Are you comfortable telling them personal stuff? Sensitive stuff? Do you think they will care, and listen, and accept it? Give feedback? That's my litmus test, if you will, to tell if someone is good for you and if they're invested. Start with that. Anyone who isn't a selfish person will wait until your comfortable and ready, will stop if that changes, and will be open in communication in every area. The big part for you is you have to be open, too. You can't expect someone to intuitively know that you are just doing it for them or because you think you should. Tell this person you trust, when you find them, these issues that you have beforehand so they can be prepared, and tell them the moment you do not feel like going forward during. It will do wonders.

 

 

In the meantime, lose this dead weight of a person, seek therapy if you can, and try to examine where this all started, and why, what you would like going forward, and how can that be achieved. Going into therapy with at least a bit of an idea of this stuff makes it run more smoothly, but is by no means necessary, so don't stress if you can't. Maybe look up stuff about boundaries and how to set them. That helped me immesnsely. Just a thought.

[cherubrock]

You know..2 days after we have sex he broke up with me because I talk to a guy who is a friend online and bc "we barely see each other", so I thought there would be no contact between us...but then 2 weeks later he texts to have sex or to do "cam sex"...and I was confused so I asked and he said we aren't in a relationship but we can still do sexual stuff..

[Jibralta]

cherubrock, you're too smart to believe this crap from him.

 

Do you fall into these games in your everyday friendships, or is this something unique to him?

[cherubrock]

cherubrock, you're too smart to believe this crap from him.

 

Do you fall into these games in your everyday friendships, or is this something unique to him?

 

Since 2016 it has been just him...I've never really had this dynamic in any other relationship...

[Jibralta]

How are your relationships with your friends? I ask because I'm trying to get a better idea of how you interact on a daily basis. You say you hide things about yourself from them.

[cherubrock]

How are your relationships with your friends? I ask because I'm trying to get a better idea of how you interact on a daily basis. You say you hide things about yourself from them.

 

Well my one main friend suspects something "different" about me because I am never talking about sex, to her it was so bizarre that I was still virgin at mid-twenties...at least not in the way she does (she is rather promiscuous) and we are so different in that aspect that it's sometimes painful even, like sometimes she even jokes to other people about it "indirectly" or "just joking" kind of way..but it still bothers me sometimes. We are pretty good friends tho...we got along pretty well, I met her in college and we've been friends since about 5 years.

I actually don't have a lot of friends....acquaintances here and there...I live in a new city since 2016 so that could be part of it. I don't know why it's so difficult to talk about this "issue" I have..I feel it's difficult to make friends in your twenties when you are no longer in college...especially in a big busy place like NYC.

The only person I have spoken about this issue besides my prior therapist is my mother. I admit a lot of my "socializing" is (2 ppl i talk to online here and there)

[thealchemist]

I have read a lot of people on here say how lonely NYC is. I've lived for awhile in a town of less that 200 people, who lived in an area of like 30 square miles and I never felt it to be loney.

[Cope]

Have you ever considered that you may be asexual?

[thealchemist]

She has mentioned she enjoys some things, like online stuff. I really think she just needs to find a decent guy who won't treat her like an object.

[cherubrock]

Have you ever considered that you may be asexual?

 

I really don't think I'm asexual. What's your definition of asexual? One who doesn't experience sexual attraction?

 

How can I be asexual if I desire to be sexual? If I want a bf?

[cherubrock]

I may not be a "typically sexual person" but definitely not A-sexual. Maybe gray-sexual?

[cherubrock]

She has mentioned she enjoys some things, like online stuff. I really think she just needs to find a decent guy who won't treat her like an object.

 

Yes, I agree. I also liked kissing with this guy a lot but we didn't do it much.

[thealchemist]

You just need your sexual awakening. You just happen to be a girl that needs a decent guy to allow yourself to be awoken like that. Not really a bad thing, just need to find the guy.

 

You have issues compartmentalizing sex and feelings. I do too. You can't really enjoy the sex if you don't have the emotions. My solution for myself was develop the emotions before introducing sex.