Guys...I've done it again

[cherubrock]

What do you guys think....should I just straight out tell him??? our relationship is on the rocks, he blocked me on his phone (but I can still msg him on whatsapp)...I just think even if it was a "bad relationship" I still think he should know the truth...because right now he just thinks I was just playing with his feelings..and a lot of other bad stuff/traits.

 

It's just such a strange thing to say and not many people know that people can even suffer that.

[thealchemist]

What do you guys think....should I just straight out tell him??? our relationship is on the rocks, he blocked me on his phone (but I can still msg him on whatsapp)...I just think even if it was a "bad relationship" I still think he should know the truth...because right now he just thinks I was just playing with his feelings..and a lot of other bad stuff/traits.

 

It's just such a strange thing to say and not many people know that people can even suffer that.

I don't understand how someone can block you on their phone yet you are still in some kind of relationship. You don't owe him any reasons or anything. No excuse is required. I would honestly just end it. It doesn't even sound like it was much of a relationship anyways, honestly.

 

If you two never really even open up with each other why even open up with him on the way out?

[cherubrock]

I don't understand how someone can block you on their phone yet you are still in some kind of relationship. You don't owe him any reasons or anything. No excuse is required. I would honestly just end it. It doesn't even sound like it was much of a relationship anyways, honestly.

 

If you two never really even open up with each other why even open up with him on the way out?

 

Yes that's what I was thinking right now...it wasn't openly vulnerable in that way...he obviously doesn't want to talk to me...I thought about how it would feel to say that and realized I don't feel safe, trusting and intimate enough to do so. I need to move on.

[thealchemist]

Yes that's what I was thinking right now...it wasn't openly vulnerable in that way...he obviously doesn't want to talk to me...I thought about how it would feel to say that and realized I don't feel safe, trusting and intimate enough to do so. I need to move on.

Yeah. I really wouldn't ever try to open myself up to someone exiting a relationship that I never could open myself up to in that relationship.

 

Honestly he never earned that right to begin with.

[SomeRandomDude]

Its probably late to contribute. But I understand how you feel, I actually have the same problem but reversed. I'm dating this girl and theres sort of an emotional connection, mostly lust though. I love having sex, but its just so... weird with her because to me she feels more like an object than a person, and I don't like that. I don't enjoy having sex with her because she stands/sits/lays there and does nothing, she'll moan and scream and such, but she doesn't exactly do any expressive or intense movements, and she doesn't feel comfortable pleasuring me at all because she claims to not have any experience. So she feels more like an object than a lover to me, and I don't like that. So I completely understand where you are coming from. I was actually hoping to get some answers here for my problem.....

[cherubrock]

Its probably late to contribute. But I understand how you feel, I actually have the same problem but reversed. I'm dating this girl and theres sort of an emotional connection, mostly lust though. I love having sex, but its just so... weird with her because to me she feels more like an object than a person, and I don't like that. I don't enjoy having sex with her because she stands/sits/lays there and does nothing, she'll moan and scream and such, but she doesn't exactly do any expressive or intense movements, and she doesn't feel comfortable pleasuring me at all because she claims to not have any experience. So she feels more like an object than a lover to me, and I don't like that. So I completely understand where you are coming from. I was actually hoping to get some answers here for my problem.....

 

So you think she isn't liking it? Has she ever commented on the sex? By the way you don't need experience to go down on a guy. It sounds like my "relationship" because we don't ever hang out or anything, he just wants to see me for sex. I don't know what advice to give you, but maybe you'll have to ask her stuff or actually communicate, or if you want a more sexually compatible partner break up?

[Deadpool69]

I wish I could offer you advice, but I've never dated before....

[thealchemist]

I wish I could offer you advice, but I've never dated before....

I'm trying to give advice and I've never really dated before.

[Deadpool69]

I'm trying to give advice and I've never really dated before.

 

But I just don't think I'm able to understand what exactly is going on. Like she has a boyfriend and they have sex, but she isn't happy about the sex. thats what I'm able to understand. But I just can't relate to it because I've never dated before. I don't understand whats fun or great about sex, so I'm unable to understand whats wrong here.....

[thealchemist]

But I just don't think I'm able to understand what exactly is going on. Like she has a boyfriend and they have sex, but she isn't happy about the sex. thats what I'm able to understand. But I just can't relate to it because I've never dated before. I don't understand whats fun or great about sex, so I'm unable to understand whats wrong here.....

 

My take is that she has a relationship that is mostly physical with a guy. She has a very hard time connecting emotionally to him and is asking questions about it.

 

You can start your own post if you also have questions.

 

Sex is a very complicated and important thing. It is normal to have questions.

[cherubrock]

But I just don't think I'm able to understand what exactly is going on. Like she has a boyfriend and they have sex, but she isn't happy about the sex. thats what I'm able to understand. But I just can't relate to it because I've never dated before. I don't understand whats fun or great about sex, so I'm unable to understand whats wrong here.....

 

So would you say you're "asexual", do you ever experience sexual attraction? You've never been interested in sex?

 

I think I don't "love myself" enough and keep somehow dragging on "deadbeat" relationships. I have done sexual things with guys that I haven't enjoyed (maybe because I was just doing it cause they wanted)...to the point where I now think I'm just "scared" of sex in some way, even if not consciously. I understand why my post is hard to understand.

[cherubrock]

I'm going a bit nuts turning this over in my head every day. It's like I want him to know what's really going on but I feel our relationship doesn't warrant such a personal disclosure.

Right now we are in silent treatment mode and it sucks. Last contact we've had is he wanted to come over to have sex but I told him I was on my period and not texts ever since, like 10 days ago.

But telling him...it would be scary..like baring my soul.

[reinventmyself]

I'm going a bit nuts turning this over in my head every day. It's like I want him to know what's really going on but I feel our relationship doesn't warrant such a personal disclosure.

Right now we are in silent treatment mode and it sucks. Last contact we've had is he wanted to come over to have sex but I told him I was on my period and not texts ever since, like 10 days ago.

But telling him...it would be scary..like baring my soul.

Baring your soul about what exactly?

You only take the most trusted people into your confidence.

I would not waste any more time wondering if you should lean on someone who isn't even in contact with you.

[thealchemist]

I'm going a bit nuts turning this over in my head every day. It's like I want him to know what's really going on but I feel our relationship doesn't warrant such a personal disclosure.

Right now we are in silent treatment mode and it sucks. Last contact we've had is he wanted to come over to have sex but I told him I was on my period and not texts ever since, like 10 days ago.

But telling him...it would be scary..like baring my soul.

Well if a guy asks you if he can come over and have sex and you say that, then he doesn't respond for 10 days I am going to go on a limb here and assume he doesn't think of you as anything more than a hookup.

 

Also, while I don't think he has a right to know what all is going through your head, I think an honest response is fine.

 

I would just send him a text that tells him that it isn't working for you. With his response to your previous text I honestly don't think he cares. He probably just texted a different booty call after your response.

[cherubrock]

So how does it look like when a guy "cares"? This seems like an odd question but I think I have no "model" of a "healthy relationship". With this guy it's mostly just his issues we "talk" and argue about, it's what bothers him mostly and my cares and concerns I feel are not really heard.

 

I did go on a date with this guy from an online dating app and I was not used to all the questions he asked me, like what I'm looking for in a guy, stuff about my family etc. and I mostly couldn't answer very well, unfortunately I felt him more like a friend vibe than anything romantic/sexual attraction...

[reinventmyself]

So would you say you're "asexual", do you ever experience sexual attraction? You've never been interested in sex?

 

.

he's 16. . .

[cherubrock]

he's 16. . .

 

Yes he is young but many people are engaging in sexual activity by that age and are attracted to people.

[thealchemist]

So how does it look like when a guy "cares"? This seems like an odd question but I think I have no "model" of a "healthy relationship". With this guy it's mostly just his issues we "talk" and argue about, it's what bothers him mostly and my cares and concerns I feel are not really heard.

 

I did go on a date with this guy from an online dating app and I was not used to all the questions he asked me, like what I'm looking for in a guy, stuff about my family etc. and I mostly couldn't answer very well, unfortunately I felt him more like a friend vibe than anything romantic/sexual attraction...

If I had an easy answer to this I would be a millionaire.

[thealchemist]

Well a guy that is so textbook that he asks you a ton of very deep questions like you described is misguided. He might be getting the info that is important but he has no tack.

 

I do understand that approach but it seems lacking in the social aspect.

 

There really is no "good mate" criteria. It just varies by who is looking.

 

What traits do you find attractive in a man? What future do you want with a guy? What are your general life goals? What are really annoys you about guys you might want to date?

 

You need to have an idea what you are wanting before you try to see what guy is right for you.

[cherubrock]

Well a guy that is so textbook that he asks you a ton of very deep questions like you described is misguided. He might be getting the info that is important but he has no tack.

 

I do understand that approach but it seems lacking in the social aspect.

 

There really is no "good mate" criteria. It just varies by who is looking.

 

What traits do you find attractive in a man? What future do you want with a guy? What are your general life goals? What are really annoys you about guys you might want to date?

 

You need to have an idea what you are wanting before you try to see what guy is right for you.

 

Yes like the prior guy that I've originally posted about never asked anything and our first "date" he barely talked. He just plainly responded to me. But this guy on the date...it was too much for a first date from someone online...too "datey" if that makes sense. I don't like it to feel like some kind of "interrogation" although you do need some info about a person.

I'm not gonna get all personal about me with someone I just met. I like things to happen more organically...but in the online dating world that seems almost extinct.

But its true I haven't really asked myself those questions. I don't want some guy that wants to get all touchy-feely on first day, trying to get me in his car and never get to know me and it's all about sex and hooking-up and what-not. But I also don't want some rigid, overly proper "nice" guy who seems to be just doing what "is supposed to".

I guess I just want a confident guy who isn't so thirsty. Also preferably has his own place haha (not living with parents). What annoys me about some guys is that many seem incapable of being flexible when dealing with a woman maybe because it seems a blow to their ego. I admit I contributed to my being treated as a "sex object" with men but they also were involved in that "dance" if you know what I mean. (this is what I don't like).

I don't want you like one of my girl-friends but I also don't want someone who sees me as a means to just have sex...some guy who doesn't even really talk to me and has no other interest in me.

[cherubrock]

Hey, so this past Sunday night I went on a date with some guy who chatted me up in a bar. I wasn't that attracted physically but decided to give it a try...

the date went pretty ok until he suggested we go visit his "artist studio" and I agreed. Well there he started to get more physical, he kissed me and kind of touched up my chest..and was obviously wanting to do more.

I WAS NOT FEELING ANYTHING....actually I got sort of tense. So I said I'm sorry I can't do this and left.

 

The text he sent after, I can tell he is feeling confused and sort of guilty. He sent "are we good? did I do something unforgivable?" I haven't answered and I don't know what to say. I may just reply "no you didn't ..... . . ......." (I'm not sure how to finish it)

[thealchemist]

If he did nothing wrong but you don't feel it and don't want to try I would give him a "I am really sorry. I am just not feeling it. Nothing with you but it isn't going to work."

 

I would also not go back to a guy's place after a date unless you would like to have sex. I also wouldn't worry about chatting up or dating a guy you aren't attracted to physically.

 

If you don't want to have a guy pressure you so much for physical attention keep your date in public.

[cherubrock]

Honestly I have been on three different dates this week. 2 were from online apps and this last artist dude was in a bar. I didn't feel much for the online guys...which makes me not even want to do online dating anymore, or if I do I'll video chat several times before meeting, because people look sorta different on their photos! This last guy I liked his personality pretty well but not that much physically.

I think I've just been trying to escape the loneliness I feel about the original post guy. But it makes it worst if you date guys you don't like as much as him.

[cherubrock]

Hello Alchemist,

 

I was wondering what kind of issues did your wife experience with you at the beginning of your relationship?

Was it emotional? problems with arousal? or just like problems with orgasm?

[thealchemist]

I forgot to add this with my last post. Great job not sleeping with him. You weren't into it and it seems like you had the willpower to not give into his pressure. That alone seems like an improvement.

 

Well you might need some time to chill out before trying stuff with another guy.

 

If you do want to seriously try to find a partner then get ready for a potentially long search. It is definitely a marathon and not a sprint. People that sprint tend to settle a lot.

 

I have never done online dating, but I am sure like all things online it is heavily edited. I think that multiple screening techniques would be very justified.