DanZee Posted January 23, 2018 Share Posted January 23, 2018 I read your thread. I think you should take things slow. It seems you're having a disconnect between your emotions and having sex. I think you're trying to use sex to bring you closer to boys you really don't know that well when it really should be the other way around -- that you should only have sex with people you're in love with and care a lot about. This is especially true since you're not enjoying these nearly one-night stands. You yourself said you've felt pressured to do it, but I think you need to go on dates that don't involve sex, just going out and having fun. Also, your taste in boys might be a problem. Some girls are just attracted to the wrong guys. Also I'm worried that you felt uncomfortable with your father and your feeling that he may have been having an erection with you. I'm wondering whether you have some repressed memories from childhood or your treatment by boys over the years. And then your feeling you were treated like a sex doll. This speaks to your sense of self-esteem. I think you might need to build up your sense of self-worth and self-importance. I would say you need to speak to a counselor or an advisor about this. They can help you more than the folks just writing through this bulletin board. So certainly show your guy friend around town and have a good time, but don't feel pressured to have sex. You really don't know him that well and you might just fall into that rut again of having a disconnect. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherubrock Posted January 23, 2018 Author Share Posted January 23, 2018 I read your thread. I think you should take things slow. It seems you're having a disconnect between your emotions and having sex. I think you're trying to use sex to bring you closer to boys you really don't know that well when it really should be the other way around -- that you should only have sex with people you're in love with and care a lot about. This is especially true since you're not enjoying these nearly one-night stands. You yourself said you've felt pressured to do it, but I think you need to go on dates that don't involve sex, just going out and having fun. Also, your taste in boys might be a problem. Some girls are just attracted to the wrong guys. Also I'm worried that you felt uncomfortable with your father and your feeling that he may have been having an erection with you. I'm wondering whether you have some repressed memories from childhood or your treatment by boys over the years. And then your feeling you were treated like a sex doll. This speaks to your sense of self-esteem. I think you might need to build up your sense of self-worth and self-importance. I would say you need to speak to a counselor or an advisor about this. They can help you more than the folks just writing through this bulletin board. So certainly show your guy friend around town and have a good time, but don't feel pressured to have sex. You really don't know him that well and you might just fall into that rut again of having a disconnect. Yes I do need to take things slow...but that is rare to find in this era of hook-ups, and yes I am going for those types of guys I guess. I don't want to mess it up with this guy, I'm pretty sure he won't try to get me to his place. There is definitely a disconnect, no my father never abused me...I think the family atmosphere sometimes growing up and some of the messages I picked up..between my parents. I don't get the anxiety around my dad as bad anymore, it has lessened a lot..but sometimes it feels I rather be more covered up than not around him. I have acted like a "sex doll" hence why I pretty much was treated as one. I think I do lack self-esteem, I don't feel confident saying no, or feel like it's something positive that I don't want to get physical soon with a guy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thealchemist Posted January 23, 2018 Share Posted January 23, 2018 It is only the era of ONS and hookups if you let it be. Let other people do what they want, but that doesn't mean you have too. I would try to wait in getting too physical or else you will likely put yourself back in your previous situation. Especially if you really like this guy. Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherubrock Posted January 25, 2018 Author Share Posted January 25, 2018 I have a problem saying no to people I guess. The guy I mentioned throughout this post has texted me again after we had sex in his car and he was mad because I was on my period. We departed on bad terms, him saying he never wanted to see me again. It is a dilemma because part of me wishes I can enjoy it but the other part says it's not a very healthy relationship and I should go about trying to develop that in my life because with this guy I don't see it happening. It's like he doesn't want to see I have an issue when it's just obvious. I think I'm just gonna reply to him "I don't really feel like having sex". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jibralta Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 I have a problem saying no to people I guess. The guy I mentioned throughout this post has texted me again after we had sex in his car and he was mad because I was on my period. We departed on bad terms, him saying he never wanted to see me again. The same guy from post #150, or the one before him? It is a dilemma because part of me wishes I can enjoy it but the other part says it's not a very healthy relationship and I should go about trying to develop that in my life because with this guy I don't see it happening. I think you're onto something here. Could be that the unhealthiness of the situation is preventing you from enjoying sex. Perhaps you will be able enjoy it more when you are in a healthy relationship. It's like he doesn't want to see I have an issue when it's just obvious. Interesting observation, and it could be true. But in a way, you are the same. You know you have this issue; you know where this door leads and you don't like it. Yet you continue to open the door and walk through it. I think I'm just gonna reply to him "I don't really feel like having sex". Nothing wrong with that. But why reply at all? Once he sees you're responsive, he'll just lure you in with self deprecating statements and false claims, like "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it when I said I never wanted to see you again for no good reason." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherubrock Posted January 26, 2018 Author Share Posted January 26, 2018 The same guy from post #150, or the one before him? The one I posted about in the very first post. The guy on the brief coffee date I have not seen him again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherubrock Posted January 26, 2018 Author Share Posted January 26, 2018 I think you're onto something here. Could be that the unhealthiness of the situation is preventing you from enjoying sex. Perhaps you will be able enjoy it more when you are in a healthy relationship. Yes, I can agree. I'm pretty sure this guy doesn't care..not once have we gone out just to "enjoy ourselves" or do something fun. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherubrock Posted January 26, 2018 Author Share Posted January 26, 2018 Interesting observation, and it could be true. But in a way, you are the same. You know you have this issue; you know where this door leads and you don't like it. Yet you continue to open the door and walk through it. So trueee! It's like some weird denial issue I have, or I don't know..some really weird reason why I'm doing this. Masochistic even maybe martyr-ish? "giving-in" issues? You have really pointed out the problem here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
figureitout23 Posted January 28, 2018 Share Posted January 28, 2018 It is only the era of ONS and hookups if you let it be. Let other people do what they want, but that doesn't mean you have too. I would try to wait in getting too physical or else you will likely put yourself back in your previous situation. Especially if you really like this guy. Good luck! I agree with this. I read through the entire thread and not once did I get the vibe that there's something wrong with you sexually. I think the issue is you're holding onto a man who is using your body as a masterbation piece and some of the subsequent guys you're dating are assuming you are willing to have casual sex based on the fact that you're going home with them without knowing them very well. Someone else said this in another thread but I think it's true for you: you have to be your own cheerleader. You're kinda selling yourself short, for whatever reason, therapy may be able to help. . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted January 28, 2018 Share Posted January 28, 2018 Do you think if you don't have sex with these men you'll never see them again? Do you think a man who truly cares for you will drop you if you don't have sex with him immediately? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherubrock Posted January 31, 2018 Author Share Posted January 31, 2018 The same guy from post #150, or the one before him? I think you're onto something here. Could be that the unhealthiness of the situation is preventing you from enjoying sex. Perhaps you will be able enjoy it more when you are in a healthy relationship. Interesting observation, and it could be true. But in a way, you are the same. You know you have this issue; you know where this door leads and you don't like it. Yet you continue to open the door and walk through it. Nothing wrong with that. But why reply at all? Once he sees you're responsive, he'll just lure you in with self deprecating statements and false claims, like "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it when I said I never wanted to see you again for no good reason." I agree with this. I read through the entire thread and not once did I get the vibe that there's something wrong with you sexually. I think the issue is you're holding onto a man who is using your body as a masterbation piece and some of the subsequent guys you're dating are assuming you are willing to have casual sex based on the fact that you're going home with them without knowing them very well. Someone else said this in another thread but I think it's true for you: you have to be your own cheerleader. You're kinda selling yourself short, for whatever reason, therapy may be able to help. . So what vibe did you get? Yes, its difficult to be my own cheerleader when I feel so different....even defective!! I guess I have to shift my entire mindset about myself, because as Im sure others have posted here...I think I have low self-esteem.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
figureitout23 Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 So what vibe did you get? Yes, its difficult to be my own cheerleader when I feel so different....even defective!! I guess I have to shift my entire mindset about myself, because as Im sure others have posted here...I think I have low self-esteem.. Yes. I got the vibe there may be an emotional issue like low self esteem, I think you're perfectly 'normal' sexually. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jibralta Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 I get the impression that you don't value yourself, that you want to hurt yourself. Maybe you feel like you deserve it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherubrock Posted February 3, 2018 Author Share Posted February 3, 2018 The same guy from post #150, or the one before him? I think you're onto something here. Could be that the unhealthiness of the situation is preventing you from enjoying sex. Perhaps you will be able enjoy it more when you are in a healthy relationship. Interesting observation, and it could be true. But in a way, you are the same. You know you have this issue; you know where this door leads and you don't like it. Yet you continue to open the door and walk through it. Nothing wrong with that. But why reply at all? Once he sees you're responsive, he'll just lure you in with self deprecating statements and false claims, like "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it when I said I never wanted to see you again for no good reason." I get the impression that you don't value yourself, that you want to hurt yourself. Maybe you feel like you deserve it. Yes, I see this too.... :moody: At my new job a co-worker has already told me I'm like a pushover...It's like I just do what other people want to do and I don't even think or feel what I want, at work I have trouble speaking up, I feel bad that I don't want sex with this guy I have posted about since the first post. I don't feel like I can tell him that I don't want a relationship where the only reason he contacts me is something sexual and the only reason we meet is to have sex. I CAN'T tell him that I feel that's not right, I can't tell him that I wish we could go out and do something fun that's not sexual. He contacted me recently and I declined..but I somehow feel bad about it...it's even affected my performance at work..I'm spacing out at moments. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jibralta Posted February 3, 2018 Share Posted February 3, 2018 I'm glad you didn't reply. This is one way that you can begin standing up for yourself. You can also do it in small ways, at work or in other situations. One little push back per day. It will feel weird or even bad at first, but the more you stick to your guns, the more normal it will feel. I think you may also need to go through some self-discovery. You have been doing what other people want for so long that you are almost certainly out of touch with what you want. Be patient with yourself, and resist contacting people like the guy in post 150. It may actually be best to swear off dating for a while, so that you don't fall back into this painful situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thealchemist Posted February 3, 2018 Share Posted February 3, 2018 Hey again. I think you need some self empowerment classes. Or start a martial art or something. Chronic people pleasers are typically very unhappy. Be more selfish with people who don't matter! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherubrock Posted February 21, 2018 Author Share Posted February 21, 2018 Hello everyone, I haven't been having a good time lately. The guy who I said was visiting me from online already came and went, but it didn't really go too well. 2 of the 3 nights he was here what we did in the evening was paint a canvas on this bed in the place he rented. He rented an Airbnb far out in Queens and it was rainy and sorta cold every day...so that made it for us not favorable to do things outside. He really wanted to use the subway as little as possible...so I had to make the far trip to where he was on both nights..because of course I wasn't gonna stay over. It was sort of...I don't know how to describe the vibe between us...but it was pretty quiet...like sometimes I felt myself saying things just to say something, like somehow I didn't really sense he had the desire to talk...? Anyways...the first night in his room it was kinda weird...there was no touching involved...he didn't even look at me when I was sorta laying on the side of the bed when it was his turn putting paint on the canvas, but it was not like in a good way...sort of like either he was too self-conscious to do so or too awkward, but it also made him seem kind of like an ass for some reason. The reason why I say that its because he wanted some action...but put it all on me. It's like he needs to learn body language, flirting and some good moves. It was awkward leaving that house that first night...because the silence in the air was saying something. That it hadn't happened. This is coming from an online "relationship" of 3 years where there was no hitting on or really sexual stuff spoken of, 3 YEARS. I left that house that night thinking the next day we would go out into the city and explore. The same thing happened again. We only went on a short train ride to get some paint and supplies then back to his room to "paint" on his bed. I don't know maybe I felt bad because he had paid his trip to come here. So this time something did happen but it was because I caused it to happen! It was kissing which lasted almost 3 hours! How weird!!! I felt he was just following and copying my moves...I don't know why or how it lasted so long if I didn't even get aroused, he hurt my lip a bit because he bit it a bit too hard too. Actually I do know why it lasted so long...because I didn't want to go further. I could tell by afterwards chats that he had wanted more...but he didn't try for more. So I had to awkwardly say when it was getting too late that I had to go and had work the next day, it was even weirder leaving that night. But now I realize we kind of have a similar issue...of trying to be "nice" or not saying what you want or what you're really thinking. The painting was nice and relaxing though..I have never painted before with a guy in bed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jibralta Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 But now I realize we kind of have a similar issue...of trying to be "nice" or not saying what you want or what you're really thinking. That's a good observation. It sounds like you would have had a very nice time but were a little preoccupied with judging him and yourself. You had fun. You coexisted. You didn't default to sex, so that probably made you feel a little "off." But it really doesn't sound like a disaster to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thealchemist Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 Sounds like a better interaction with a guy than you have had in awhile. I wouldn't be too worried about awkwardness. It happens, more importantly you both were awkward so it was mutual. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherubrock Posted February 22, 2018 Author Share Posted February 22, 2018 That's a good observation. It sounds like you would have had a very nice time but were a little preoccupied with judging him and yourself. You had fun. You coexisted. You didn't default to sex, so that probably made you feel a little "off." But it really doesn't sound like a disaster to me. Yes, it wasn't a disaster. It was fun. It felt really peaceful. He said something like "I wasn't expecting much" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherubrock Posted March 30, 2018 Author Share Posted March 30, 2018 Hi everyone, Just wanted to say hi. Some days I still feel "defective", I feel like a let-down to the guys I've known (dumb, I know), but there are days I feel so "un-sexual"...I'm not dating anyone at the moment, and yes I still find myself missing the guy I've posted about since the 1st post :S. This last guy who visited me and I made art with...he is not direct about it but I can tell there is disappointment...ever since he visited we have been talking less..he even asked for an "astrology report" about relationships and it said "you'll meet someone when you're 30...you may have had something with someone at 25/26 (which is right now) but it could have hit a dry spell..." There is a guy that is more local and we have friends in common but we had a chance to talk last weekend we were at a bar, but I couldn't bring myself to make much conversation after he made like 2 attempts ughh !! He was like "so what did you do for your birthday?" I just shook my head and said "regular b-dy stuff" then I think he said "what about Vivi (our mutual friend) then I remember saying "I don't have to do anything" (what kinda answer is that??!) I just left sort of early, we have each other on FB but haven't really talked on there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thealchemist Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 I think hanging out and not feeling that you should or need to do stuff with guys is a much better handle on things. There are guys who won't be as pushy. Might take some time to find them. But it sounds like you are better off than you were. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherubrock Posted March 31, 2018 Author Share Posted March 31, 2018 I just don't know how to conduct myself if someone wants to do something sexual and I don't. Maybe I should treat guys as friends for now? It feels like I am barred from doing things I'd like to do. It feels like my body has something trapped in it, it's "holding on" to something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted March 31, 2018 Share Posted March 31, 2018 I just don't know how to conduct myself if someone wants to do something sexual and I don't. Maybe I should treat guys as friends for now? It feels like I am barred from doing things I'd like to do. It feels like my body has something trapped in it, it's "holding on" to something. N Own that it is always your choice. Always. Here is what I would do as you build self-control. Meet in public places and if in a private place be sober and keep your pants on so to speak. If he asks you to do something sexual and you don't want to keep it short and sweet - and simple, no back story. Either move his hand away or say "no" or "I'm not comfortable doing this right now." If he doesn't listen the first time and you are sure heard you and understood, nicely and neutrally leave the situation if at all possible. Again short and sweet. You are not barred in the least. You get to choose and you need to find a way to have that choice resonate with you so that the voice that seems to suggest you don't have a choice or you are trapped becomes something on the periphery that's just silly and irrational. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherubrock Posted April 1, 2018 Author Share Posted April 1, 2018 You are not barred in the least. You get to choose and you need to find a way to have that choice resonate with you so that the voice that seems to suggest you don't have a choice or you are trapped becomes something on the periphery that's just silly and irrational. Yes, this. Just imagine your body not "reacting" (it actually is reacting, by being numb), almost like I am "playing dead" in those situations. It is very weird to see people's reactions to that, even their facial expressions I can tell they are seeing something "unusual". Sometimes I'm like "how can other people even enjoy this?" I think the only way I'm gonna be ok with it is someone who I can tell, someone who knows what I'm going through and doesn't get all "reject-y". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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