Opinions: Would you kick out my housemate?

[journeynow]

Before throwing out the roommate, maybe take a pause and reframe the current issue. The laundry problem is not actually about laundry, since it sounds like water and electricity and available machine aren't the issue. It's only a drying rack issue. If you own the drying rack, and need it on a reliable basis, then you address this in person in a non-confrontational yet forthright way. "As it turns out, I need my drying rack back. Starting next Monday it will no longer be a communal rack. Please find another way to dry your clothes. Thanks."

[goaskalice]

this thread is pointless bc the op just wanted to post so everyone would agree that she's always right and her roommate is wrong.... Op you don't seem to have the ability to be self aware

[journeynow]

yeah i see replies saying you can't tell a grown person when to do their laundry. true, they can do their laundry never, if that's how they like it. but if they leave you with a short window to do yours in, preferably when you're the one with other responsibilities, or they then decide to hog the machine and clothes line at that time (i gather something like this is the case), they're dictating your schedule tbh.

 

I suppose if you two make an agreement, you might also have a stipulation if the other person breaks it.

 

If drying clothes impinge on the other's schedule, they will be piled in a designated area (dry or not). You will not fold each other's clothes or put them "away". (Being in the Mommy role comes with an extra charge, payed in advance. ;-) )

 

If you have an agreed standard of clean, but the work is left to you, maybe agree to a different split on the rent.

 

This thread does bring back memories of my college days. Some roommates are more compatible than others. I hope you each find a way to work it out or to find more compatible living situations.

[journeynow]

this thread is pointless bc the op just wanted to post so everyone would agree that she's always right and her roommate is wrong.... Op you don't seem to have the ability to be self aware

 

Actually, it might give the OP some things to think about. She might not have changed her outlook just because others have suggested it, yet that might help her realize it's not that easy to change one's nature, or one's habits. (For her or her roommate.)

[glitterfingers]

I'm really curious as to why you dont have 2 drying racks, one for each of you. That'd make the laundry thing a loooot easier.

 

For the past 8 months I've lived with 3 other people (my bf, our roommate & our roommates gf) and our washing machine is in use almost daily. We've NEVER had a problem because each couple has their own drying racks. That way we even make laundry on the same day from time to time, with no problems at all.

 

Before throwing out the roommate, maybe take a pause and reframe the current issue. The laundry problem is not actually about laundry, since it sounds like water and electricity and available machine aren't the issue. It's only a drying rack issue. If you own the drying rack, and need it on a reliable basis, then you address this in person in a non-confrontational yet forthright way. "As it turns out, I need my drying rack back. Starting next Monday it will no longer be a communal rack. Please find another way to dry your clothes. Thanks."

 

In all honesty, I did reframe this issue in the OP - it's all the replies that are coming through which are confabulating the issue by narrowing in on the one suggestion I had to make my housemate's life easier by having a laundry schedule so she had days free for her laundry and I'd make sure that it was free for her sole use. She didn't want to buy an extra rack, agreed I should leave days free for her, didn't follow through. I approached it again, she asked me to change days, I agreed and she didn't follow through. Third time, similar situation. Eventually, I dropped it and just started doing my laundry as I pleased. The issue isn't the laundry schedule - the issue was respect. I was being respectful of her, she was either taking advantage or taking it for granted.

 

Once again, reframing the issue, it's not about laundry!!! It's about respect and the things she asks of me versus what she does in return. She asks me to organise all shared items/cleaning supplies - includes TP, tissues, sponges/wipes, cleaning products, soaps, laundry products etc. Not just ordering, but replacing/refilling. Okay, I do it. And then it's time for her to clean the house, she does the bathroom and leaves crumbs/stains from her cooking throughout the kitchen and dining table for me to clean on my round (and she knows I'll do it).

 

I never asked any of you to narrow in on one subject and tell me whether this is bad behaviour. I asked that we look at the pattern of behaviour and determine if this is disrespect, because if it is disrespect/taking advantage then she's probably not going to stay in this house for the several years she was hoping to. All of you seem to think I'm micromanaging her - big nope. Not even close! I run a tight ship, but that's to do with me and my own schedules - and it involves clearing space for her in the bathroom/kitchen when I know she'll need it. You seem to think she's unhappy here, but she's told me she's actually happy. The reason is because I don't micromanage her, but the place is kept clean/smelling nice/everything at arm's reach/pretty much total freedom. It's a nice place and I'm a good housemate, and she's literally told me that she enjoys different aspects. I tend to keep quiet about my issues and downplay them, and as a result, I'm the one who's unhappy. Gently bringing things up in a friendly way hasn't been successful with this girl.

 

Here's an example of the situation.

 

This morning I had to leave the house early. There's red wine vomit stains in the toilet bowl, dirt/leaves trudged throughout the house including on the bathmat (third time she's left huge dirtstains in the bathroom, but who's counting?). And I send her this text:

"Hope you're feeling alright, noticed vomit stains in the toilet. Put your bathmat in the wash but laundry is otherwise free. Please help yourself to the eggs in the fridge as I only used them for my cousin's cake and won't eat them!"

 

Her: Brings home a guy, doesn't tell me she's going to (despite us having agreed we think it's best not to catch the other off guard), wakes me up, leaves mess everywhere - this is all on top of the issues with bond/rent/cleaning/laundry.

 

Me: Washes/replaces bathmat and offers her food.

 

I'm really not a bad housemate. It's probably just incompatibility.

 

But my original question was, is she intentionally disrespecting me? Because the way she's talked to me at times (along with some of this behaviour) leads me to think she is. If that's how things are, I'll offer my housemateship to someone who appreciates it.

[glitterfingers]

this thread is pointless bc the op just wanted to post so everyone would agree that she's always right and her roommate is wrong.... Op you don't seem to have the ability to be self aware

 

I think if this is frustrating you, you should probably stop commenting because you're not helping with the question I posed. Please read post immediately above. Housemates were screened and living arrangements discussed prior to moving in. Issue is not any one specific thing, it is (in its entirety) a question of respect. I did/do treat her with respect, but her consistently falling through on things/talking over the top of me or making comments implying that I'm inferior to her, has caused me to lose actual respect. That tends to happen when you respect someone and they disrespect you.

[goaskalice]

Is this really critical to you? A drying rack and a schedule ? I hate petty thinking like that, life is too short to be all worked up about a drying rack schedules or reminder notes about more petty stuff .. Can you see the bigger picture of life?

[goaskalice]

I don't believe from the way you refer to her ( not that bright;!"defiant-- like she's a teenager) that she has felt you show respect to her-- I think she probably feels like your petty and controlling

[glitterfingers]

I think the point of most of the replies is actually that two reasonable people can have reasonably different ideas about what it means to be a housemate and share a home, and have different attitudes towards it. Rules can certainly make logistics easier, but as itsallgrand said a few pages back, when a home is so regimented, it might not feel like home to some people.

 

Since it's clear you two are not a match, and since the situation has deteriorated to the point where you essentially no longer respect her, then I think the solution is for you to ask her to move out. She doesn't have to be a terrible, immoral person for you to do that. Just give her plenty of time to find a new place.

 

I do think it might be difficult for you to find an agreeable housemate. In my years of sharing spaces, we never had any agreements about much of anything at all. As long as the rent was paid on time and people didn't leave horrible messes in the common areas, it was live and let live.

 

I totally agree. It does seem to be an incompatibility issue, where I am a little more give and she's a little more take. I don't think I've specifically laid out any rules other than that we HAVE a cleaning schedule, the rest of the agreements (including the actual contents of the cleaning schedule) we've come to have been based on negotiation and conversation. That's fine. This thread isn't about that, and has been rather derailed by people hyper-focusing on something and twisting reality. Maybe people aren't used to having a housemate that shows consideration. I've not dictated things to her and made things regimented, she seems happy with the space/freedom she's afforded but just doesn't pick up the slack sometimes so it's unequal. Still would be fine if I knew that she was respectful/appreciative - but I have real doubts about that

[goaskalice]

Your original question you ask about if she is disrespecting you? No, but I feel you are disrespecting her. End of story.... Every single time you post you come through loud and clear

[Seraphim]

The thing is this is glitter's place. The housemate is a SUBLET. She agreed to the set up.

[glitterfingers]

Is this really critical to you? A drying rack and a schedule ? I hate petty thinking like that, life is too short to be all worked up about a drying rack schedules or reminder notes about more petty stuff .. Can you see the bigger picture of life?

 

I don't believe from the way you refer to her ( not that bright;!"defiant-- like she's a teenager) that she has felt you show respect to her-- I think she probably feels like your petty and controlling

 

Did you even read my posts? Because it seems like you are narrowing in on topics that are basically irrelevant, and your arguments lack context. I have to leave notes about some things because she doesn't listen to me verbally - and the notes are pretty basic, like "Me: Trash, You: Recycling" when she's let it overflow. That's not controlling, it's basic respect. I didn't get worked up about the drying rack/schedule - I offered those and she asked me to stick to it and basically abused it so that she got to do things her own way while I kept making extra room for her. I showed her respect and treated her like an equal until she kept falling through on her obligations and taking advantage of me. She doesn't feel like I'm petty and controlling, she has stated she's happy with the place.

 

Stop replying with your nonsense or I'm going to report your next post for flaming, because you're not actually contributing here and you're not reading what's been written.

[Seraphim]

No one has to live with someone they can't live with for any reason. Life is too short for that too. It is not horrible to want a tidy orderly house.

[glitterfingers]

No one has to live with someone they can't live with for any reason. Life is too short for that too. It is not horrible to want a tidy orderly house.

 

My housemate wants that too, she just doesn't want to be responsible for it

[Seraphim]

My housemate wants that too, she just doesn't want to be responsible for it

 

Well, everyone in a home needs to contribute to that. If she wants to be sloppy she can do that and live alone.

[faraday]

I think you're over thinking it. She sounds like most young people I know...oblivious to how much work up keeping a house is. Most people don't know unless they've lived by themselves for a while.

 

So do I think she's being disrespectful? Not intentionally. She's acting her age.

[journeynow]

Along the same vein, here's an interview with Taylor Shilling sharing her roommate agreement (about 3:42 in):

 

[video=youtube_share;7suhoXGTE-w]

[sophie274]

I think you are creating resentment and ill-feeling towards her by bending over backwards rather than having honest dialogue with her - and while you may think you are being "nice", I think you would BOTH be happier if you were straightforward with her.

 

Honestly, it boggles my mind that you are annoyed and resentful because she has left a mess in several places (including in the bathroom, vomit = gross), but instead you send her this text message offering her eggs, then simmer over the issue and post about it on here instead. I think it would be much healthier and more productive for you to see her later and say, "hey, I hope you're feeling ok, seems you were sick yesterday - I would really appreciate it if you would clean up after yourself as it's icky to get up in the morning".

 

She does sound messy and a bit disrespectful; she sounds like she just has different standards and is in that life phase where she doesn't mind things being chaotic and disorganized. But you are sending the message that her behavior is fine by you - and this is poisoning any chance you two have of a good housemate relationship. Either talk to her directly about the issues and put her on notice that you two need to rework your agreement, or just tell her it's not working out.

[himynameisslim]

I just got through a few paragraphs. You're obviously miserable. time to let her go.

[Dahl]

Curious how she responded to your text of 'Hope you're feeling alright, noticed vomit stains in the toilet.'

 

(defeated by phone, can't quote properly)

[glitterfingers]

I think you are creating resentment and ill-feeling towards her by bending over backwards rather than having honest dialogue with her - and while you may think you are being "nice", I think you would BOTH be happier if you were straightforward with her.

 

Honestly, it boggles my mind that you are annoyed and resentful because she has left a mess in several places (including in the bathroom, vomit = gross), but instead you send her this text message offering her eggs, then simmer over the issue and post about it on here instead. I think it would be much healthier and more productive for you to see her later and say, "hey, I hope you're feeling ok, seems you were sick yesterday - I would really appreciate it if you would clean up after yourself as it's icky to get up in the morning".

 

She does sound messy and a bit disrespectful; she sounds like she just has different standards and is in that life phase where she doesn't mind things being chaotic and disorganized. But you are sending the message that her behavior is fine by you - and this is poisoning any chance you two have of a good housemate relationship. Either talk to her directly about the issues and put her on notice that you two need to rework your agreement, or just tell her it's not working out.

 

You're right, it isn't addressing the issue, but I have to choose my battles. I also like to give it time before I raise issues with her to make sure I'm not overreacting. I can't tackle every issue as soon as it crops up because I'd basically be the person that everyone here keeps telling me not to be (and which I don't want to be) - a micromanaging control freak. There have been a lot of minor issues that, in retrospect, I've simply just come to accept rather than get upset about - so long as she cleans the full house when it's her turn, who am I to complain that there were crumbs all over the dining table and sauce stains on the stove for a few days?

 

The vomit thing is pretty gross, but it's her turn to clean the house today or tomorrow. So I'll put up with that. The main thing was the respect and forewarning of guests, which I will raise with her in the next few days by telling her that my boyfriend is coming to stay and I'm forewarning her because "I know what we've agreed to and signed in our contract was that we will give each other a heads up by text or in person if we're having people stay over". Kind of hoping she gets the hint from that.

 

While I agree that I'm not necessarily giving her the chance to step up and have a better housemate relationship, if I had words with her over everything she did that bothered me, we wouldn't have a chance there either because I'd be taking on that authority role since she's just not there yet. I honestly think I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't

[glitterfingers]

Curious how she responded to your text of 'Hope you're feeling alright, noticed vomit stains in the toilet.'

 

(defeated by phone, can't quote properly)

 

She hasn't, usually doesn't - probably won't until we speak, but this was only a few hours ago and she seems to be rather hungover

[glitterfingers]

Along the same vein, here's an interview with Taylor Shilling sharing her roommate agreement (about 3:42 in):

 

[video=youtube_share;7suhoXGTE-w]

 

Haha.. Yeah, that is pretty funny honestly. Where I live we are required to have a signed agreement and she said she wanted to sign a contract, so I sent it to her a week before moving in for her to read over and amend before signing. It was a lot less than that example - just basically said we will ensure that the place is kept clean per agreement between the parties, place is secure/locked when we leave, we give prior knowledge of guests and are responsible for their actions, take all reasonable measures to ensure each other's peace/comfort/enjoyment .. plus the standard stuff about rent/bond/damage/repairs.

[HopefulFather]

Housemates should not ever have RULES.. Have an agreement and ask them to honor their word in the matter. Agree on certain standards to manage expectation. If you can't agree with your housemate and its a point of fustration then replace them. You have to agree on certain things to live together, setting up rules is domination. Your dominating your tenent when you should agree. Agreements work better than rules because who wants to obey?? I have 2 housemates and they have their habits. Anytime I have issue I say something immediately in a manner thats friendly and authentic. I usually get what I want and my housemate is happy too.

[glitterfingers]

Housemates should not ever have RULES.. Have an agreement and ask them to honor their word in the matter. Agree on certain standards to manage expectation. If you can't agree with your housemate and its a point of fustration then replace them. You have to agree on certain things to live together, setting up rules is domination. Your dominating your tenent when you should agree. Agreements work better than rules because who wants to obey?? I have 2 housemates and they have their habits. Anytime I have issue I say something immediately in a manner thats friendly and authentic. I usually get what I want and my housemate is happy too.

 

Yeah, I can see I worded my OP very poorly and have gotten a lot of responses based on that poor representation of the situation. What we had were a series of conversations which resulted in apparently mutual agreements. I only used the term "rules" in my OP because it seems that she now views them as "rules" rather than the agreements that they were - i.e. She doesn't feel that these agreements/conversations apply to her, so they're not really mutual agreements anymore are they? She's treating them like rules that I made which are there to be broken, rather than agreements for which she had equal input, which was the reality