I have a serious question

[arjumand]

Could someone explain the phenomenon of choosing to have children before marriage and THEN getting married later?

 

Let me clarify -- I completely understand having children outside of marriage for different reasons. Some people do not believe in marriage (it's a piece of paper, doesn't ensure commitment, brings the state into an intimate relationship, etc.) and others just don't want to be married.

 

I also understand that some couples find themselves pregnant far before they are ready to be in a committed relationship and that marriage does not make sense.

 

Further, I understand having a child as a single parents as a choice. All of these make sense to me.

 

What I don't understand is choosing to have children but getting married later. The reason I don't understand is that having children with someone means you are tied to that person for the rest of your life! I see that every time there is a family gathering and I see my in-laws, who have been divorced for 35 years, having to deal with one another. Yes, as the child ages you can stay farther away from the ex, but it is in many ways a really big commitment. So why get married later? To me, and I have been married for ages, marriage seems like a lesser commitment because it can end and you can never see the previous spouse again if there are no kids. So why make the big commitment first? I think that is my question.

 

Thanks,

Arjumand

[mustlovedogs]

Why do you care?

 

50% of pregnancies are unplanned (in the US, at least) - including pregnancies in marriages.

 

That likely has a lot to do with it.

[arjumand]

I am not talking about unplanned -- I explained that I understand that many couples get pregnant unexpectedly. I am talking about planned pregnancies followed by marriage.

 

I am interested because it it becoming very common -- not just among celebrities but among ordinary people and I want to understand the society around me.

[LaHermes]

In some cases, OP, it has to do with age.

 

At an event the other day I met a woman who is four months pregnant, and her future husband. They are getting married NEXT year. She is 36 or so, and felt the biological clock was ticking. So, yes they planned this pregnancy.

 

Both of them are working. He has a house bought.

[Shania1234]

I believe you just answered your own question. There are many reasons why people have children before getting married. People normally date for years before getting married but then they end up pregnant. Some people try to tie the knot before the baby is born While others just don't care to. I think what you're trying to ask is why do people have children which is a bigger commitment than marriage. As you mentioned children are a bigger commitment, a lifelong commitment that ties two people together even though they do not want to be together or can't be together because it just doesn't work. I agree with what you are saying but sometimes people are not careful and end up in that situation. I guess not everyone thinks that far ahead and not everyone realizes that they might be in love now but things do eventually change I'm given enough time you can change for the worse and then they end up a single parent. I will admit that it is awkward going to family functions and being divorced but having to put on a brave face for children involved. Being human beings a lot of what we do is purely based off of our emotions and we may not think that this is true but our emotions do control decisions that we make. One day we're in love and the next day we hate each other. That's why when we choose two procreate with another person especially as a woman there is a commitment that cannot be undone unless some women believe in abortion. For most women though abortion is not a choice because there is always a fear of not being able to conceive again. It may seem like the end of the world and yes you will have to deal with someone who gets under your skin constantly but in the end two people choose to have children and whether or not their relationship works they were blessed with bringing new life into the world.

[arjumand]

Thank you for your replies. Again, let me reiterate I am talking about PLANNED pregnancies that are followed by marriage. Not unplanned, which are a whole other ball of wax.

[ThatwasThen]

Have you asked the people that planned a pregnancy before they married why they did what they did?

 

Those of us who did things in what you consider the right order wouldn't know why those that did it differently why they did it the way they did.

 

Speculating about it, I'd say they never planned to marry but thought it the right thing to do for the children, for legal reasons and to make things easier for the children in the future, perhaps.

[mustlovedogs]

Thank you for your replies. Again, let me reiterate I am talking about PLANNED pregnancies that are followed by marriage. Not unplanned, which are a whole other ball of wax.

 

You don't know if a pregnancy is planned or not. That's my point.

[LaHermes]

Arj.

 

Each couple may do this for different reasons.

 

I just told you the reason why the couple I met a couple of weeks ago had a planned pregnancy, but are not getting married till next year. In their case it is her age factor. That is her take on it.

[annie24]

I have several friends in this situation - they had a baby or two, then got married. Thinking of those friends (though I don't know the exact thoughts running through their mind, but based on my interpretation of their relationship) was that they were committed to each other and would have been with or without the legal marriage ceremony and/or the kids. I don't know if the kids were on accident or on purpose. Though I'm guessing for these couples, that their intention was to have kids anyway and get married anyway, so the order in which it occurred didn't matter.

 

Weddings often take a while to plan, particularly if you are having a larger, formal wedding, so I can see a couple not wanting to delay baby-making until after their hall/church/location of choice is available 2 years from now. My friends that had babies first, then got married, had pretty low-key weddings though.