BF's family visiting and staying with us... in our tiny apartment. HELP!

[kisca]

So... my boyfriend of 2 years told me his parents are visiting in October. They live in Europe so visiting means they are coming for 3 weeks! I've met them, they are nice people. But... as all adults they are particular and the dad is a bit of a "mans man". So he'll expect women in the kitchen which wont fly with me. But i digress...

 

They are planning to stay with us for 3 nights, then a hotel, then want to travel all together for a few days. Hotels are super expensive where we live so they are kind of breaking it up, which i understand. The rest of the time isn't planned yet but i suspect they will stay with us more the following week. I know it's only 3 nights at first but i'm freaking out. We live in a TINY 1 bedroom apartment with an unruly cat. Naturally we'd have to give up our bedroom for his parents and my bf expects us to crash on an airbed in the living room. Look, i'm not a princess but i'm so uncomfortable by this situation. Being somewhat a traditionalist i'd maybe be ok with it if we were married and had to "make do." But i'm "just the gf" and getting displaced out of my own bed is really upsetting. Not to mention uncomfortable getting up to work and being super quiet. And i wont even be able to get in my closet so i'll have to plan what to wear in advance. Then, i'll have to probably kiss ass for the next 2-3 weeks and put up with his dad who will undoubtedly try to reverse all the amazing work i've done on my bf in teaching him to help clean in the kitchen and be a partner not a diva. Ughh...

 

How do i get through this without a meltdown? Or better yet how do i explain to my bf how uncomfortable this situation is and ask him to talk his parents into staying at a hotel longer. I can suffer through 1 night, maybe 2... but 3 nights is really a bit much, isn't it?

 

Thank you!

 

J.

[Wolfshook]

Tell your boyfriend what would you tell your parents if they wanted to visit you.

[limichelle]

Yeah I wouldn't like that either especially if the dad is difficult.

 

I think you should tell your boyfriend all of your worries. Just don't mention anything bad about his parents. You could just explain to him that while they are welcome at the apartment, you need some space and they need to respect that.

 

Lisa

[Generica]

AirBnB is cheaper than a hotel. Check that avenue out for them. They might be able to stay in one for thw whole time for the price of a hotel part-time.

[Generica]

Im sure they dont WANT to stay in cramped quarters, stepping on toes if they dont have to. Im sure they would love their own privacy and that this is purely an economical choice. Find a better option for them and asert yourself with confidence and respect. Alternatively, you'll just have to deal with it. Its really not that long so you will survive. Make sure.you take lots of breaks. Gove the three of them lots of time to themselves, which is lots of time.for.you to recharge. Let them go on a trip without you, etc.

[j.man]

Honestly, it's three days. They're traveling a great distance to see their kid. It sucks, but there are far worse things in life. I don't care if I'm living in a studio... if family is visiting, I will make it work and they will be a guest in my home. You don't have to be that way, but it appears your boyfriend is.

 

Again, my sympathies for having to suffer the air mattress for a couple nights, but plan out your outfits, buy a couple flasks to keep topped up, and soldier through it. You'll come out of it alright.

[mustlovedogs]

^ agreed, and remember the parents will likely be just as uncomfortable as you (if not more), so you'll earn mad brownie points.

 

Look up movie times in advance so you can go escape when you need quiet. Find a cute coffee shop to read alone. You'll manage.

[kisca]

You guys are right, i didn't think about how uncomfortable they'll be also. And i feel for my bf, he is sort of stuck between a rock and a hard place. He doesn't want to inconvenience me but these are his parents. I think im mostly upset about the gf/marriage status. If i was his wife i'd feel like they are my family too and i'd want to accommodate them more. But because HE hasn't taken us to that next step it's just another thing for me to feel resentful of.. he's stealing my time, AND NOW my apartment.

 

A few more details, we are both 33 so not like i'm a kid here... and he moved into my place a year ago so as unfair as it is, i still kind of see it as my place. But yes, i'll survive. hopefully...

[mustlovedogs]

You guys are right, i didn't think about how uncomfortable they'll be also. And i feel for my bf, he is sort of stuck between a rock and a hard place. He doesn't want to inconvenience me but these are his parents. I think im mostly upset about the gf/marriage status. If i was his wife i'd feel like they are my family too and i'd want to accommodate them more. But because HE hasn't taken us to that next step it's just another thing for me to feel resentful of.. he's stealing my time, AND NOW my apartment.

 

A few more details, we are both 33 so not like i'm a kid here... and he moved into my place a year ago so as unfair as it is, i still kind of see it as my place. But yes, i'll survive. hopefully...

 

I'm confused - why does your title change the level of hospitality you're willing to offer?

[kisca]

I'm confused - why does your title change the level of hospitality you're willing to offer?

 

Good question and one i don't have a fair answer to. I suppose we all have certain boundaries that we are willing to cross for family and i don't feel like we are family yet. I'm traditional and don't think its appropriate for me to sleep in the same bed with my bf while his parents are there. I would never sleep in the same bed with him if my parents were in the next room. But i'd feel better about it if he was my husband and they were my inlaws.

[itsallgrand]

So this is really about you wanting him to have proposed/married you by now?

[mustlovedogs]

Good question and one i don't have a fair answer to. I suppose we all have certain boundaries that we are willing to cross for family and i don't feel like we are family yet. I'm traditional and don't think its appropriate for me to sleep in the same bed with my bf while his parents are there. I would never sleep in the same bed with him if my parents were in the next room. But i'd feel better about it if he was my husband and they were my inlaws.

 

If you're so traditional, you shouldn't even be living together, let alone sleep together.

 

Just saying.

 

Don't use this as a ploy to get him to propose to you.

 

If anything, be gracious and he will likely love and appreciate you even more.

[kisca]

We are heading in that direction so i'm not worried about it in the long run. I actually think he might do it with his parents in town. But until then id wish his parents just stayed at a hotel. I even offered to pay!

[kisca]

Don't use this as a ploy to get him to propose to you.

 

 

I don't want too, that's why i'm asking for help and trying to get comfortable with the idea before October. I prefer to feel good about this situation but right now i dont'.

[Seraphim]

If you aren't comfortable with this family now don't expect to become comfortable after marriage . Just because you have the title of wife doesn't automatically make it more comfortable . If you are not gracious now don't expect them to accept you when you do get married .

[rosephase]

We are heading in that direction so i'm not worried about it in the long run. I actually think he might do it with his parents in town. But until then id wish his parents just stayed at a hotel. I even offered to pay!

 

So your boyfriend wants them to stay with him and not at a hotel? Because I would assume if you can pay for a hotel for them that it would be a lovely gift.

[kisca]

If you aren't comfortable with this family now don't expect to become comfortable after marriage . Just because you have the title of wife doesn't automatically make it more comfortable . If you are not gracious now don't expect them to accept you when you do get married .

 

What If i simply leave them the apartment? My parents live 5 min. away. I'm more than happy to stay with them and have my bf have the apartment all to himself and his parents. I don't mind, plus i think they'd be more comfortable too. Just worried it will look rude if i leave.

[kisca]

So your boyfriend wants them to stay with him and not at a hotel? Because I would assume if you can pay for a hotel for them that it would be a lovely gift.

 

He'd love for them to stay at a hotel too, but his parents are proud and most likely wont accept us paying for them. and they are using points to stay for the few days on their own. It's such a sensitive thing to pay for parents... i dont think they'd see it as a lovely gift as much as an insult.

[Seraphim]

Do you WANT to get along with his family? Getting along with one's family doesn't start at the marriage ceremony . Believe me insults are long remembered by inlaws. You don't want to start as an outlaw from the get go .

[melancholy123]

What If i simply leave them the apartment? My parents live 5 min. away. I'm more than happy to stay with them and have my bf have the apartment all to himself and his parents. I don't mind, plus i think they'd be more comfortable too. Just worried it will look rude if i leave.

 

You do that and you will be seen as beyond rude! Bad idea.

 

Look for an affordable Air BnB place and pay for at least half of it. I wouldn't want them in my place either but this is a tough situation and I totally understand how you feel. I think a hotel or Air BnB can solve the problem.

[j.man]

Where in Europe is your boyfriend's family from?

[kisca]

Do you WANT to get along with his family? Getting along with one's family doesn't start at the marriage ceremony . Believe me insults are long remembered by inlaws. You don't want to start as an outlaw from the get go .

 

I think you're missing the entire point. I like his family, but there is a boundary this is crossing i'm not comfortable with. I'm looking for practical solutions, thanks for your advice.

[kisca]

You do that and you will be seen as beyond rude! Bad idea.

 

That's what i'm afraid of and definitely don't want that to offend.

[kisca]

Where in Europe is your boyfriend's family from?

 

Holland. Mom is Dutch and dad is Israeli, with quite a fiery temper. Ironically think his mom would understand, she's super practical as Dutch people are. But the dad is a whole other story.

[Seraphim]

I think you're missing the entire point. I like his family, but there is a boundary this is crossing i'm not comfortable with. I'm looking for practical solutions, thanks for your advice.

 

I am not missing the point though. Insult them now it will be remembered even when you are comfortable with the boundary.