Girlfriend won't accept my Instagram Follow Request?

[Seraphim]

Well, that's the thing isn't it ? If she doesn't trust guys she has no business dating . She can't make another person pay for another person's mistakes.

[Careerchoice]

My gf is on the opposite spectrum and has a difficult time trusting guys.

 

I think she generally doesn't trust men and therefore struggles to trust me.

 

And she's projecting this onto you, even though you did nothing to deserve it. You would be justified in being insulted and upset by this and expressing these emotions to her.

 

She won't admit it, but I think we have a trust/jealousy/insecurity matter we need to figure out.

 

She may not admit it, but you already know it. So stand by your position.

 

Anyway, I think we need to figure out a way to address the insecurity (therapy?) or break up.

 

I think you are more than capable of handling this on your own. Explain your position as concisely as possible, then set the ultimatum - Either she lets go of all the terrible things other men have done to her and appreciates you for the good guy that you are, or you're leaving her. It's the final step that will either cement your relationship or end it. Doing anything else and your relationship will surely end.

[Doc Blaze]

just an update, I had a follow up conversation with my girlfriend last night after reading some of the replies. She explained that she did not want to accept my following request because she will want to start looking at my instagram and she knows I have pictures going back 5 years. Some of those pictures include female friends and she feels pictures of me with those female friends are disrespectful. She asked me how would you like it if I had pictures of different guys holding me, grabbing me, holding hands, etc.

 

 

 

This makes no sense....she can add you and not follow you back if there was an issue. I wouldnt be with someone who responded like this and then tried to push the blame on their SO because of their insecurities.

[nsolo]

"She explained that she did not want to accept my following request because she will want to start looking at my instagram and she knows I have pictures going back 5 years."

 

Rhetorical question: She isn't mature enough to avoid jealousy if and when she were to go through your five-year-old pictures?

[abitbroken]

You know what. I agree with her. She doesn't want you "with" her 24 hours a day. She wants to experience things, then be excited to share them with you when she sees you. I have an IG account where i connect with a lot of people i am involved in a hobby with. They are 95% female and the other 5% are men - only a couple men are actively involved and most the men are older and married 30+ years or gay. I have since relocated and so have others, but our spouses or other friends aren't apart of it. We are pretty tight night. My ex was not part of this group = thank goodness. We only talk about this hobby - with the occasional "hey, i had a baby" or "i am moving to x, who can recommend places?' Then i have a general account of pretty pictures that anyone can follow.

 

 

At any rate, my guy doesn't need to keep up to date with me on social media because he has private access to me - he has my personal cell phone number. He can call me directly. he sees me all the time in person. So does he really need to read my social media updates while he is at work. Do i really want to know his social media update about his sandwich? Nope. He is not on social media, btw = some of my accounts are public or he could sign up for the site just to look and he doesn't because its more interesting to talk in person than to constantly look at what eachother is doing.

 

And everyone should have their own support network in addition to their bf/gf.

[Careerchoice]

You know what. I agree with her. She doesn't want you "with" her 24 hours a day. She wants to experience things, then be excited to share them with you when she sees you. I have an IG account where i connect with a lot of people i am involved in a hobby with. They are 95% female and the other 5% are men - only a couple men are actively involved and most the men are older and married 30+ years or gay. I have since relocated and so have others, but our spouses or other friends aren't apart of it. We are pretty tight night. My ex was not part of this group = thank goodness. We only talk about this hobby - with the occasional "hey, i had a baby" or "i am moving to x, who can recommend places?' Then i have a general account of pretty pictures that anyone can follow.

 

 

At any rate, my guy doesn't need to keep up to date with me on social media because he has private access to me - he has my personal cell phone number. He can call me directly. he sees me all the time in person. So does he really need to read my social media updates while he is at work. Do i really want to know his social media update about his sandwich? Nope. He is not on social media, btw = some of my accounts are public or he could sign up for the site just to look and he doesn't because its more interesting to talk in person than to constantly look at what eachother is doing.

 

And everyone should have their own support network in addition to their bf/gf.

 

This advice totally misses the point. Gf doesn't want to accept the request because of jealousy/trust issues, not because of this other explanation you've come up with out of nowhere.

[Quirkster]

This advice totally misses the point. Gf doesn't want to accept the request because of jealousy/trust issues, not because of this other explanation you've come up with out of nowhere.

 

I don't know why some people continue to project their own life onto the OP's girlfriend in that regard. This whole thing is a massive trust/maturity red flag any way you look at it.

 

The natural progression is to want to share things going on in life with the partner first and then social media last - not the other way around. Take this for example - I know a girl named who when she was single would post 2-3 times a day and lots of flirty pictures. She has a serious boyfriend now of 8 months and you barely see any updates from her and when there is one it's usually a trip she took with her man.

[NightLily]

I can understand where she is coming from, especially in earlier stages of dating. As somebody who tends to overthink things and realizes connections very quickly, I don't really like a whole lot of unneeded information about the person I am dating or running into prior love interests constantly on social media. My reasons are probably totally different from hers though. I am a little slower to feel attached or like a "real couple." Early on I don't need all the noise.

 

On the other hand, social media can tell you important things about somebody--instagram included. And, since you have been together for 8 months it is not exactly early.

 

But it also doesn't sound like only a potential jealousy issue on her part. It sounds like it is also a trust issue from you. Maybe you could try to strike a compromise? For example, you could tell her you understand her concerns but you are also curious about what she is into, how she likes to take her photos, or that you would like to be let in on that side of her somewhat and see if she can show you her instagram on her phone. If you request it out of genuine interest and she refuses, there is probably something else going on.

[Doc Blaze]

You know what. I agree with her. She doesn't want you "with" her 24 hours a day. She wants to experience things, then be excited to share them with you when she sees you. I have an IG account where i connect with a lot of people i am involved in a hobby with. They are 95% female and the other 5% are men - only a couple men are actively involved and most the men are older and married 30+ years or gay. I have since relocated and so have others, but our spouses or other friends aren't apart of it. We are pretty tight night. My ex was not part of this group = thank goodness. We only talk about this hobby - with the occasional "hey, i had a baby" or "i am moving to x, who can recommend places?' Then i have a general account of pretty pictures that anyone can follow.

 

 

At any rate, my guy doesn't need to keep up to date with me on social media because he has private access to me - he has my personal cell phone number. He can call me directly. he sees me all the time in person. So does he really need to read my social media updates while he is at work. Do i really want to know his social media update about his sandwich? Nope. He is not on social media, btw = some of my accounts are public or he could sign up for the site just to look and he doesn't because its more interesting to talk in person than to constantly look at what eachother is doing.

 

And everyone should have their own support network in addition to their bf/gf.

 

but that's not what she said..She explained that she did not want to accept my following request because she will want to start looking at my instagram and she knows I have pictures going back 5 years."

 

what does that have to do with her adding OP?

[ParisPaulette]

Anyway, I think we need to figure out a way to address the insecurity (therapy?) or break up. I really don't want to do the latter but I don't know if we have many other options at this point.

 

I agree with you and now that you know more this is what the real issue is. She knows she has a problem, but has she gotten any therapy for what happened to her? Carrying past issues with other people into a relationship will be a problem and will create problems, no matter what it is.

 

See if she'll go to therapy, but I agree the issue is not Instagram. It's her jealousies and insecurities. That will poison the well, regardless if it's not addressed. I wish you both good luck, but yeah it's a tough one. I have a lot of male friends and I ran into that issue with men I dated more than once. I refused to ever give up my male friends, because they were just that - friends and colleagues. I always made it a point to introduce everyone in my life to whoever I was dating, never kept anyone a secret. But in the end I had to find a guy who has female friends too and we're open with each other about it and there are no issues.

 

Probably because we both understand each of us could cheat with a total stranger or a friend or with anyone anywhere, but we won't since we trust each other. Also each of us is able to establish healthy boundaries and drop any friend who becomes an issue, because yes that does happen sometimes. And OP that's the level of trust you need to have. She needs therapy or something, because as much as what happened to her can hurt - and I've had a similar thing happen by the way - the fact is she needs to learn to trust herself enough that regardless of what you or anyone else does she will be okay.

 

I'm not sure how she does that except by going to therapy and learning about healthy boundaries. And you need to figure out if you can live with someone who has an irrational fear of your past, because yes it is. It's all I can tell you to do, but the problem really kind of isn't you and either she will be willing to address it and work through things or she won't.

[Careerchoice]

I think she generally doesn't trust men and therefore struggles to trust me.

 

Here is her thought process: I have been hurt by other men in the past -> You are a man -> On the basis of your gender, I'm going to assume that you will hurt me. What did you do to deserve being treated like this? Why would you tolerate blatant sexism?