Am I awful?

[Ziggy123]

So many people on this site post things about cheaters being horrible, a**holes, etc. Does that mean I am those things as well?

[Annia]

No. You're not awful. You made a mistake and felt bad about it and regret it. The awful cheaters are the chronically ones who don't show regret or willingness to change. You're human. We all make mistakes. You deserve to forgive yourself and move on.

[Ziggy123]

Thank you Annia, unfortunately I think my ex sees me in a really negative way

[glitterfingers]

People who have had a particularly bad cheating experience tend to think that it's okay to lump everyone who 'cheats' together and and call them scum. The reality is that cheating is common, even among people who have otherwise good and moral characters, and it occurs in many forms and for many reasons. For example, if someone is in a severely abusive relationship which they are afraid to leave, and find comfort in bonding with someone else who is supporting them, is that the same as someone who is married to a loyal and invested partner with 2 young kids who has an affair with an underage girl? It's completely different.

 

That being said, if you're in a monogamous relationship with a committed, decent partner and choose to have an affair rather than work on your interpersonal skills or walk away, you probably should feel remorse so as to learn from your experiences.

 

I personally don't believe that shame is the way to get people to recognise and respond to social issues. Unfortunately, it's a very common tactic that people use thinking it will yield desired results (e.g. second wave feminism likes to place a lot of shame on men and the response has been a violent, highly outspoken backlash and rejection of feminism by many).

[glitterfingers]

Thank you Annia, unfortunately I think my ex sees me in a really negative way

 

May I ask what happened?

[j.man]

You can do an awful thing without being an awful person. It's no wonder he's no longer a member of your fan club, but there's no point in kicking yourself. All you can do is learn and move on.

[Ziggy123]

Thanks for your response, that makes sense and I guess I am just sensitive, when I see people posting about cheaters are scum I really take it personally.

 

Something I have really struggled with is my change in identity. I always thought of myself as a good person, someone who is really caring for others and since the cheating it has completely changed my view of myself even to the point where it is sometimes hard to look in the mirror knowing I hurt someone in such a bad way.

[Ziggy123]

May I ask what happened?

 

I cheated on my ex... he says that is why he broke up with me and will never get back together because I hurt him too much. If you're wondering about details I developed a crush on a guy friend and was talking and flirting with him for a while so I guess it would be an emotional affair and then ended with a one time physical cheating.

[Wolfshook]

Well,you are obviously not a saint for doing it. But if you learned something from this,then everything will be fine.

[Starlight925]

I actually think that this can be looked at as a growing, learning experience for you. At least, that's how it seems you are handling it.

 

Your ex will likely never forgive you, and I wouldn't really blame him. But as long as you are being honest with yourself (which it appears you are), and you will recognize the signs for your future relationships, and that you will stop something like this in its tracks for the future, it's a growth sign.

[Ziggy123]

Yes I realize the warning signs looking back and where I should have stopped it before it went too far next time if I develop a crush on someone I will cut contact with them as to not let it turn into cheating as I learned it can sometimes be a fine line between being friends with someone and flirting/leading to more

[j.man]

Yes I realize the warning signs looking back and where I should have stopped it before it went too far next time if I develop a crush on someone I will cut contact with them as to not let it turn into cheating as I learned it can sometimes be a fine line between being friends with someone and flirting/leading to more

To be honest, the line really isn't that fine. Between realizing you're attracted to someone, getting enjoyment from their attention, flirting, etc., not to mention the thought and effort it generally takes to successfully go behind your partner's back with it all, there's a pretty substantial buffer between friends and cheating. I'm sure you've got good common sense and should give it more credit. It wasn't any lack of awareness that resulted in the cheating. Simply a lack of self-discipline and responsibility.

[LaHermes]

Absolutely agree, Glitter.

 

"I personally don't believe that shame is the way to get people to recognise and respond to social issues. Unfortunately, it's a very common tactic that people use thinking it will yield desired results (e.g. second wave feminism likes to place a lot of shame on men and the response has been a violent, highly outspoken backlash and rejection of feminism by many)."

[glitterfingers]

Yes I realize the warning signs looking back and where I should have stopped it before it went too far next time if I develop a crush on someone I will cut contact with them as to not let it turn into cheating as I learned it can sometimes be a fine line between being friends with someone and flirting/leading to more

 

Most people don't go into situations like this with malicious intentions, clearly. But as j.man said, it is something which is within your control and which you can (and should) have enough foresight to prevent in most situations, as it involves deceit and lack of consideration. The important thing is learning and growing from what occurred, and sometimes life's lessons do make it hard for us to look in the mirror. Cheating is certainly not the only thing which can cause this reaction. I tend to believe that if you haven't done something that has hurt another person deeply or made you question your integrity as a person, you probably are not a mature human being. Do use this as a learning experience...but remember we are all highly fallible (which is even more of a reason to exercise caution in the interactions outside of your relationship).

[Ziggy123]

To be honest, the line really isn't that fine. Between realizing you're attracted to someone, getting enjoyment from their attention, flirting, etc., not to mention the thought and effort it generally takes to successfully go behind your partner's back with it all, there's a pretty substantial buffer between friends and cheating. I'm sure you've got good common sense and should give it more credit. It wasn't any lack of awareness that resulted in the cheating. Simply a lack of self-discipline and responsibility.

 

 

Yes I definitely see what you are saying. Maybe in my head I was justifying it as it was happening, example: I'm not doing anything wrong we are just friends, or it's just a bit of innocent flirting... etc.

 

I have spent a lot of time reflecting on it and I think I was drawn to the other person because he made me feel good about myself, where as that is an issue I was having with my ex (he would jokingly put me down a lot) and in general I tend to have low self confidence. So it is something I'm trying to work on now so I don't have to look for it outside myself.

[Seraphim]

While you are not awful. People are faillible beings . I don't think affairs fall under that title of mistake . At some point there is a planning to keep going ahead with it . There is intent there .

 

Just forgive yourself and commit to never doing that again .

[Ziggy123]

Yes I have commited to never doing it again. I just really miss my ex he was also my best friend

[Ziggy123]

Maybe this is a dumb question but do you think he will ever forgive me and want to come back I'm giving him space now but he said he still wants to be friends once I have gotten over him

[ParisPaulette]

If you have sincerely asked yourself that question, then I'm going to say no. The truly really genuinely awful are those without enough empathy or self-awareness to even ask themselves or see themselves in anything, but a positive light. You feel horrible for what you did, so that means you have the capacity for change and to learn from your past actions towards a better future.

 

Also keep in mind what you see online is about a chronic cheater, they are a very different animal. And online you are usually seeing only the worst of the worst, so don't let that color your views. Most people who say had a cheating incident, worked it out, stayed together successfully and went on don't post about it online. Who does are either the ones really enmeshed in a toxic situation where they know instinctively they need input from others or more often, they are hoping someone will tell them it's not that bad and they are overreacting. This allows them to stay in a bad situation and not feel like they are hurting themselves, which they totally are.

 

All cheating hurts a relationship, sometimes irreparably, sometimes not. But this does not mean all cheaters are evil or scum, not even close. It just means what you usually see on the Internet are those posts about toxic people who are kind of awful regardless of what they do, cheating is just one more symptom of who they are.

 

Don't let your past define you. You have learned from this and now you can move on a bit wiser and sadder, but it's going to be okay. Good luck and I wish you well.

[LaHermes]

Well explained Paulette.

 

The worst of the worst are those who plan the "cheat", set up a web of lies and deception (with a smile on their faces) to cover up, and then keep going until eventually the "other" does find out what is happening, and is devastated not just by the toxicity of the situation but by the deception and lies.

[Snny]

Maybe this is a dumb question but do you think he will ever forgive me and want to come back I'm giving him space now but he said he still wants to be friends once I have gotten over him

I'll be honest... I would never stay with a cheater. If my partner cheated on me, that person is history. It is a major mark of betrayal. Relationships are built on trust- and you shattered your boyfriend's trust with your decision.

 

Unfortunately we can't take back our decision or fix every mistake we make. Part of being an adult is being accountable when we make a choice (good and bad). You have to take some responsibility here and move on.

 

Sorry, I wouldn't count getting back together with him if I were you. You need to move on and learn from your choice.

[thealchemist]

Maybe this is a dumb question but do you think he will ever forgive me and want to come back I'm giving him space now but he said he still wants to be friends once I have gotten over him

Rebuilding destroyed trust is extremely hard. Hopefully he has more self respect than to get back with you. You had issues in your relationship that caused you to cheat. Cheating wasn't the cause of your issues.

[Ziggy123]

Thank you for the honesty. It's going to hurt for a long time and I'm probably always going to regret my mistakes but I know I have to let him go it makes my heart hurt but as long as he is happy then it will be ok. It seems he is happier without me

[Ziggy123]

I hope in time he will forgive me and come back but I'm not counting on it

[LaHermes]

You know something Ziggy.

 

When I read some of these threads I am forcefully reminded of:

 

"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."