Should I have one last "talk" after breakup of few months? Maybe for closure?.

[sleeplessinusa]

Hi been broken up with a gal for about 3 months now. She got into a new relationship with another guy a month after break up. I believes has anxious attachments. I wasn't the best bf during our relationship, she loved but I never really showed her back that much cuz of my own attachment issues.

 

It's been a rough breakup for me I broke NC 2 months in and texted that I miss her. I got no reply.

 

Afterwards she told a mutual friend that she misses me and loves me while crying ...While she does seem happy with new guy.

 

My question is since today has been a hard day.. could I or should I contact and just have one last conversation face to face to maybe try to move on from her? Just saying some things like, sorry for not treating her right and wish her the best, and say stuff like I've learned so much from our relationship and will grow from it when I get into a new one. Thank you etc .Maybe just to be at ease? What do you guys think? How do you think I will feel afterwards ? Obviously I would prefer to have her back but if she's gone then maybe a final talk will help?

[WombatShadow]

What makes you even think she'd agree to meet you? She isn't talking to you.

 

I think that when both people are in a good state emotionally having a relationship post-mortem of sorts can be helpful to clear the air, but you aren't there...and if she's crying about you while dating someone else, I suspect that she isn't in that solid of a place, either. If she doesn't agree to meet you, you're going to be even more distraught and she'll likely feel bad or maybe even guilty, which is the exact opposite of what you want to do (at least I hope so). If she does agree to meet you, there's every chance that you two are either going to end up fighting and making things even worse and/or crying and not making any progress about the relationship.

 

The other side of this is that she's in a relationship right now. If my ex started sniffing around once I got into a new relationship, I would be furious. It certainly wouldn't endear me to him, although your mileage may vary on that.

[rosephase]

No. This final talk will not help. Closure is a myth.

a) if she's not answering texts what makes you think she'll meet up with you?

b) you clearly still want more so it'll just hurt

 

The things you are thinking of saying to her are good and kind but you have underlining motives still. Maybe you can tell her those things when you are really over her. Try it in two years not three months.

[abitbroken]

Afterwards she told a mutual friend that she misses me and loves me while crying ...While she does seem happy with new guy

 

Your mutual friend could be lying because they want to see you back together. Trust me, it happens. Or she could have had a weak moment. I think you should ask your friends not to mention her to you.

[Wolfshook]

Whatever talk you have with her, it wont answer you any questions. You will always be wondering "what if this, what if that?".

 

And it's normal that she misses you, but it doesnt mean that she really loves you.

 

Do your best to go through another day without contacting her,and in some time it will become better.

[MissCanuck]

I don't think she's going to be open to meeting if she's ignored your previous attempt at contact.

[johnnydanger]

Lol you are asking this question in the wrong place. The slogan of this site should be 'move on and go NC'. In a nutshell, most of the advice will steer you in that direction.

[Tomthumb88]

Pretty clearly don't want "closure" but an opportunity to get her back. Think you should wait out this new relationship before trying. In the meantime work on yourself and do some dating

[boltnrun]

Lol you are asking this question in the wrong place. The slogan of this site should be 'move on and go NC'. In a nutshell, most of the advice will steer you in that direction.

 

This is because most of the people who give this advice have either followed it themselves and found it helpful, or they DIDN'T follow it, then came back later with the realization that they wished they'd followed it.

 

Of course, there are always exceptions.

 

I personally have never been swayed to change my mind about an ex after he wrote me a letter (or in my case, emails followed by 13 Facebook messages), but who's to say the OP's ex would react the same way?

 

I just know that, having sent some of these messages myself asking for a meeting or for an explanation, I was met with either annoyance or I was ignored. And that hurts almost as much as the initial breakup.

[MissCanuck]

Lol you are asking this question in the wrong place. The slogan of this site should be 'move on and go NC'. In a nutshell, most of the advice will steer you in that direction.

 

Enlighten us -what would you recommend when a dumper has been ignoring the dumpee and has begun a new relationship?

[Tomthumb88]

In this guy's case he needs to at least wait until she's no longer in a relationship or until she reaches out.

However, I see what's he's saying. Things do sometimes work out...

[MissCanuck]

And how long do you recommend he put himself on hold in this manner?

[Tomthumb88]

Who says he's on hold? He should move on with his life. Leaving the door slightly ajar shouldn't hinder this. Things involving human emotions are rarely absolute and as we know little about either of them, their relationship etc I don't think good advice should be absolute either

[sleeplessinusa]

thanks for the replies guys i really mean it i appreciate just anyone talking to me about it. Here's a lil info about our relationship. Essentially she was insecure about me because of my rep of being a bad boy with women around me. So she went thru my phone, i never cheated or texted any girl i was loyal but there was dumb guy locker room talk with my guy friends group chat. Stuff like we'd bang this girl that girl, etc...I blew up on her for looking thru my phone instead of apologizing and things ended, few days later i tried to apologize with flowers and stuff ,, didnt work. went NC..and here are other details..

 

Month 1.

I was blocked from her social media and all photos of me/us started gradually deleted from her social media....and at this stage i read a billion articles online and youtube channels of coreywayne/craigkenneth etc. and do NC

 

I'm unblocked and reblocked again

 

 

Month 2.

After 2 months I broke NC, i couldn't take it. she's always wanted my attention and me chasing her so i figured it, nothing to lose and i sent a small text of saying i miss her .. I get no reply ... and i haven't reached out since

 

Few day later she posted up that she was in a relationship with another guy via facebook.

 

Few days after that she hangs out with a mutual friend and tells our mutual friend she misses me while crying. (so that was shocking)

 

Her social media has been quiet during month 2, which was peculiar because figured she'd keep consistently posting about her new bf but no signs yet just that one FB relationship post.

 

 

Month 3.

I keep posting photos of myself staying busy and productive in my life. She might've saw it and reblocks me again.

 

Finally she posts up a photo of them 2 few days ago , looking very happy.... (which obviously destroyed me.)

[abitbroken]

Her social media has been quiet during month 2, which was peculiar because figured she'd keep consistently posting about her new bf but no signs yet just that one FB relationship post.

 

That means she is out living her life!

 

Honestly, you need to move on. All those posts about being productive were made just in hopes to see them. It was not real.

 

So please, move on. She has. Please accept that she is in a relationship and let her go

[boltnrun]

None of what you've described indicates she'd be receptive to a letter or "one last talk".

 

It seems like she's moved on.

 

Sure, you could hang around checking her social media hoping to see she's not dating that guy anymore, but wouldn't you rather LIVE???

[johnnydanger]

Enlighten us -what would you recommend when a dumper has been ignoring the dumpee and has begun a new relationship?

Well Miss Canuck, I don't believe in absolute NC if you want to one day get back with an ex. But definitely LC as in limited contact. If you don't want anything to do with that person ever again, sure NC is right.

 

In the case of a dumper ignoring the dumpee and having begun a new relationship, like the OP's case, here's what I would say. Everyones circumstances are different, and there is no magic formula. In the case of this guy and seeing that he really still wants to fight for his relationship, I think having a discussion for closure is helpful. In this case he doesn't care if he loses face to reach out yet again. Maybe the girl is in a rebound and so damn confused that she needs reassurance from him. I have no clue. All I am saying is that sometimes there's nothing wrong with making this extra effort to win someone back. NC isn't for everyone, and if both parties have similar stubbornness and persisting with NC, then nobody is getting back together EVER. Capiche paisana? 😁

[MissCanuck]

Sure, he can try again but it seems pretty obvious it won't ultimately bring the results he's looking for. The advice against contacting her again now is because OP isn't in an emotional place where he could handle being shut down or ignored again, which are both distinct possibilities.

 

Nowhere did I suggest No Contact is best for everyone. Nowhere did I say that dumpees should never attempt to reconnect. However, in this case, it would appear based on their shaky history and her continued implementation of No Contact, he isn't going to gain much by trying yet again for reach her. She's not confused. She is busy with her new boyfriend.

 

Some people do successfully reunite. But under these circumstances? It's not very probable.

[sleeplessinusa]

I decided to go against contacting her. And just let it be... I guess 99% of advice and articles have said best way to get an ex back and NC forever until it's their choice to reach back out... sorry I didn't mean to look dumb or desperate with this idea but it's just heartbreaking you know when a woman says she loves you during the break up one week a few weeks later is in love with another man.... I've always been contemplating ... was there something I coulda said during the week of the break up, something maybe during the day when she came and grabbed her things etc. sorry I'm just dying inside right now

[MissCanuck]

What did you say in these locker-room chats with your buddies?

 

I'm trying to figure out her reaction to your specific contributions, and who actually ended it. That would give us a better idea of her frame of mind at the time of the break-up. I still think it's rather moot now given that she has avoided you, but it would provide some context anyway.

[johnnydanger]

I guess 99% of advice and articles have said best way to get an ex back and NC forever until it's their choice to reach back out...

 

I have heard that too, but the only thing I worry about is this: what if that ex thinks exactly the same way. Both people think they were wronged, and each has their reasons and sticks to NC. Deep down they miss one another, secretly hoping the other will contact them.

 

Maybe it's only a small percentage of cases, but it happens and I don't think forever NC is always the best (in cases where you do want to get an ex back). At some point you have to evaluate if you need to break and initiate contact.

[Tomthumb88]

You need to preface the NC with "I'd like to work things out and if you change your mind, give me a call" or something to that effect. Then disappear and it's on them