Girlfriend suffering depression

[Grouse]

Hi guys,

 

I don't really know where to start, I guess I should start with the obvious that my girlfriend and I have broken up...It makes me feel sick to my stomach just typing that sentence, we were together for 5 years.

My girlfriend has been dealing with a severe depression for the past year, brought on by unresolved issues from her childhood that only really started surfacing a year ago and this is at least according to her the reason why she couldn't stay in this relationship with me.

 

Her reasoning for breaking up with me is that she just can't stand to see how her being depressed is really hard on me as well. She says that she can see it's causing me pain which in turn is worsening her depression and to a certain extent that is true, I mean having a depressed partner tends to be incredibly hard no matter how solid your relationship was before the depression occurred. She says she just wants to be alone and not feel responsible for anyone else but herself at the moment and that she has to work through this on her own.

Of course I tried reasoning with her and eventually she said she needed some time to think...

 

The break up talk was all very respectful, I acted very calmly and maturely as this wasn't my first break up. No begging no pleading no nothing. I told her I'd give her time to think and that as per her request I'd let her be. We agreed to give it a week and then catch up and see how we were feeling.

 

So fast forward 7 days later, I sent her a text if we could meet up to have a chat and(yes you guessed it) I got no response. I also tried calling later that day because I was getting a bit worried it is unlike her to just blatantly ignore me like that, however I got no answer. Like I said before this isn't my first break up so I know when to back off and let her come to me.

 

Well that never happened, we're almost two weeks on now and I was literately dying being stuck in limbo like this. So I send her another text today basically saying that I honestly can't take being in Limbo like this anymore, it's tearing me up inside and that I love her very much and if she ever wanted to seek reconciliation that she knows where to find me and how to contact me but that this has got to stop for the sake of me keeping my sanity and that If she was planning on standing by her decision I would have no choice other than respecting it.

 

She responded by saying, Okay....

 

Are you effing kidding me? that's all you have got to say after ignoring me for two weeks? I didn't respond to that text so after a few hours I get a text from her stating that she wants to come by and pick up her belongings....I was absolutely floored by that text and as I was also very angry I agreed for her to come pick up her things, figured I might as well get it over with.

Well she just left with her belongings and she was ice cold, I responded in kind since I refuse to let her see how this all is affecting me....

 

And now I'm sitting here having just spend two hours crying on my bathroom floor trying to make sense of it all....I'm hurting so very bad right now, I didn't see this whole break up thing coming at all. Just 3 weeks ago we were absolutely fine I mean sure living with a depressed partner is hard and challenging at times but I god honestly thought we as a couple were doing fine, I'm absolutely lost and there are so many things I want to say to her but I wont because I know it doesn't matter anymore and you can't change the way a person feels. But someone please make the hurt stop, I love her so much!

 

(Sorry for any typos guys, English isn't my native language)

[MyLifeMyChoice]

I'm sorry you're going through this painful breakup. I can't imagine how she could ignore you just like that. I mean, she could've at least said something.

 

Why don't you just text her and pour out your feelings? Tell her how her indifference and lack of communication is hurting you, and you'd like to at least know what's going on in her head. DON'T TALK ABOUT RECONCILIATION. Just ask her what she's thinking/feeling. She owes you at least that.

 

Keep us posted! We're here to support you.

[Keyman]

This might be hard to accept, but this relationship was causing her depression as well and this brought up the depression from the past, as it can do, and it built on her. There was something in this relationship that was not right for her, some connection between you two that was also getting her depressed.

 

I say this from being that depressed person in a 5 year relationship with a wonderful girl. There was nothing wrong with her, she is a great person, but we just did not connect at a certain level that after 4 years I felt I needed. I dragged it on for another year, but grew depressed because of it and I started to feel lonely. It brought up my depressed and lonely teens and this just added to it. Eventually, I just couldn't do it anymore and I broke up with her, letting her find someone that she was enough for.

 

So, going forward, it's time to start accepting that you two have broken up. This is really happening. Start the process of moving on.

 

She is cold, icy, distant etc because she is hurting as well and seeing you/ talking to you is hurting her. Things might come back together, but you just cannot sit around waiting. Get out there, discover yourself, work on yourself, forget relationships and try to find your happiness again.

Keep us updated.

[chitown9]

First of all, are you sure that she is truly depressed? Did you see signs of it before this fall out? Are you sure that this is the true reason for the break up? chi

[Tomthumb88]

Keyman, I'm not sure directly applying your personal experience here is helpful. You can't possibly reach that conclusion from the few paragraphs presented here and there are so many variables with human emotions she might not even understand what she's going through

[Grouse]

Wow didn't expect to see any responses so quickly, thanks guys it really means a lot to me, it feels like my brain has been fried and I can't seem to think straight.

 

 

Why don't you just text her and pour out your feelings? Tell her how her indifference and lack of communication is hurting you, and you'd like to at least know what's going on in her head. DON'T TALK ABOUT RECONCILIATION. Just ask her what she's thinking/feeling. She owes you at least that.

 

Keep us posted! We're here to support you.

 

Thanks mylife, I think I might just do that the next time we see each other. Turns out she still has some of my stuff that I want to get back and I'm just going to speak my mind then, I'm still so incredibly baffled by it all. How does she turn off her emotions and feelings like that. I mean we were together for such a long time and we usually were very open in communicating with each other, I just honestly do not get it.

 

This might be hard to accept, but this relationship was causing her depression as well and this brought up the depression from the past, as it can do, and it built on her. There was something in this relationship that was not right for her, some connection between you two that was also getting her depressed.

 

Could this have been the case? well, maybe who knows really but I find that hard to believe since communication has pretty much always been a key factor in our relationship.

 

First of all, are you sure that she is truly depressed? Did you see signs of it before this fall out? Are you sure that this is the true reason for the break up? chi

 

Yes she is truly depressed, she has been seeing a psychiatrist(she's also on anti-depressants) ever since she called me in the middle of the night last july begging me to come over since she was afraid that she was going to hurt herself...If that isn't a sign of depression than I don't know what is.

 

 

I'm just so incredibly lost right now, just a couple of weeks ago we were driving home after a fun day out and she fell asleep in the passenger seat next to me and I remember looking at her and feeling nothing but absolute love for her and now I'm faced with getting dumped without even really knowing why.

This really was the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and now I'm faced with not having her in my life, that's just to much for me to handle....

[chitown9]

This really was the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and now I'm faced with not having her in my life

 

The woman that you fell in love with does not exist anymore. She was altered by a mental illness. Depression is no joke. My mother had as long as I can remember and she was depressed until the day she died from a heart attack.. Depression is very difficult to overcome and it is also very difficult for those around her, such as family, to cope with a person who is depressed. My mother even had electric shock treatments to the brain twice during her adulthood. She was just so severely depressed that she did not eat or sleep and this treatment was the only thing that brought her out of it. My dad used to say, "Your mom reads all these books about depression, but nothing seems to help." It was a constant battle. The family felt the fallout from it. YOU, TOO, are a victim of the fall out from her depression. And now I am going to tell you something that is very important. Do not take it personally. She is mentally ill, and the sad truth is, she may never recover from it.

 

This is the reason that I asked you if she was truly depressed.

 

Since she will let you help her, there is nothing that you can do it. Whether she ever comes out of the dark place she is in is a crap shoot.

 

I hope this gives you some understanding and perspective. chi

[Grouse]

Wow thanks for that post Chi, that really hit home hard and I'm going to reply to it but I just can't at the moment. I'm just too emotional right now and I my head feels like it's going to explode. It feels like her depression dragged me down with it and I don't know who I am anymore.

[LaHermes]

Precisely, Chi.

 

"Do not take it personally. She is mentally ill, and the sad truth is, she may never recover from it.

"

[Grouse]

The woman that you fell in love with does not exist anymore. She was altered by a mental illness. Depression is no joke. My mother had as long as I can remember and she was depressed until the day she died from a heart attack.. Depression is very difficult to overcome and it is also very difficult for those around her, such as family, to cope with a person who is depressed. My mother even had electric shock treatments to the brain twice during her adulthood. She was just so severely depressed that she did not eat or sleep and this treatment was the only thing that brought her out of it. My dad used to say, "Your mom reads all these books about depression, but nothing seems to help." It was a constant battle. The family felt the fallout from it. YOU, TOO, are a victim of the fall out from her depression. And now I am going to tell you something that is very important. Do not take it personally. She is mentally ill, and the sad truth is, she may never recover from it.

 

This is the reason that I asked you if she was truly depressed.

 

Since she will let you help her, there is nothing that you can do it. Whether she ever comes out of the dark place she is in is a crap shoot.

 

I hope this gives you some understanding and perspective. chi

 

I'm sorry to hear about your mom being depressed most of her life chi, that must've been really hard for you. I can't imagine what it's like to have to go through that for so many years. This is my first time really dealing with someone being that depressed and it has really broken me....

 

I've been sitting here and wondering what I could have done differently, I'm feeling really guilty for some reason for not doing enough while I rationally know that I have gone above and beyond for this woman. The late night phone calls/immediately rushing over there when she was breaking down/doing the dishes for her when she couldn get out of bed/cleaning her house every once in a while because she simply didn't have the energy to do so/just being there for her/trying to cheer her up when she was down/the list goes on and on and yet it still wasn't enough. I gave so much and got so very little in return which to me was okay since I figured we would get through this and the light at the end of the tunnel would soon start appearing.....but it just never did, Iḿ so incredibly sad about it all.

 

And to top it all off, I have this sneaky suspicion that there might actually be another man involved, yesterday I bumped into a friend of hers and we started talking. I was expecting her to ask me about the break up so I was a bit afraid to talk to her but to my surprise she didn't even know we had broken up because she asked me where my ex was early yesterday morning(her dog is staying at my ex her place during the daytime beacuse her friend is in between houses and she drops it off in the morning). So apparently she didn't spent the night in her own house, well that felt like a ton of bricks being dropped on me. I'm not sure how to handle this, I desperately want to confront her about it but what good would it do?

 

In a way it would make sense since she pretty much has never been single a day in her life, I have a feeling that she really is using relationships to fill up that big giant hole inside herself and get some temporary relieve from her depression by the high of dating someone new, but why then stick with me for 5 years, the novelty has worn off long before that 5 year mark. I'm just so confussed and I'm hurting really bad I feel like I really have no one to turn to.

[faraday]

I'm sorry to hear about your mom being depressed most of her life chi, that must've been really hard for you. I can't imagine what it's like to have to go through that for so many years. This is my first time really dealing with someone being that depressed and it has really broken me....

 

I've been sitting here and wondering what I could have done differently, I'm feeling really guilty for some reason for not doing enough while I rationally know that I have gone above and beyond for this woman. The late night phone calls/immediately rushing over there when she was breaking down/doing the dishes for her when she couldn get out of bed/cleaning her house every once in a while because she simply didn't have the energy to do so/just being there for her/trying to cheer her up when she was down/the list goes on and on and yet it still wasn't enough. I gave so much and got so very little in return which to me was okay since I figured we would get through this and the light at the end of the tunnel would soon start appearing.....but it just never did, Iḿ so incredibly sad about it all.

 

And to top it all off, I have this sneaky suspicion that there might actually be another man involved, yesterday I bumped into a friend of hers and we started talking. I was expecting her to ask me about the break up so I was a bit afraid to talk to her but to my surprise she didn't even know we had broken up because she asked me where my ex was early yesterday morning(her dog is staying at my ex her place during the daytime beacuse her friend is in between houses and she drops it off in the morning). So apparently she didn't spent the night in her own house, well that felt like a ton of bricks being dropped on me. I'm not sure how to handle this, I desperately want to confront her about it but what good would it do?

 

In a way it would make sense since she pretty much has never been single a day in her life, I have a feeling that she really is using relationships to fill up that big giant hole inside herself and get some temporary relieve from her depression by the high of dating someone new, but why then stick with me for 5 years, the novelty has worn off long before that 5 year mark. I'm just so confussed and I'm hurting really bad I feel like I really have no one to turn to.

 

 

I wouldn't immediately assume she's met someone else...unless you have proof. Depression created a really horrible insomnia in me, so I would go walking at all hours of the night hoping to tire myself out. It might be something like that. Or she might be sleeping over at a friends, or at her parents if someone got worried about her and insisted she not be alone. Who knows...but assuming the worst only makes you suffer more.

 

 

Is she getting treatment for her depression? I ask because it's almost impossible to get out of the pit alone.

 

People don't really think of treating mental health in the same way that we think of treating physical ailments, but we would never tell someone who just lost a leg to "get up and walk it off".

 

It was very good of you to help her with dishes and cleaning her house...even simple things like that can feel overwhelming and huge when you're depressed...and every little bit less that you have to worry about it is a little bit more headspace that you can put towards self care.

 

Depression is a demon that sits there telling you that you're worthless. It tells you you're not worth helping. You're unlovable. Stupid. Ugly. Unkind. Depression makes you feel like you're dying...it makes you want to die. And what do dying animals do? Typically they go and hide and die alone. Depression puts you into that mode...where you go off to be alone because you feel like you're dying.

 

I'm telling you this so you'll understand why. When was depressed I would beg my husband to leave me. "It will be easier for you, and then I won't have to be a burden on you." Depression isn't rational. I'm glad my husband didn't leave.

 

Idk what you do in this situation...it sounds like you don't live together (which is odd for being together for 5 years)...so I'm not sure in this case what you do. Breaking up is a decision she made, and you have to respect it. Like another poster said, being in a relationship she didn't want to be in might have contributed to her depression...but that's speculation.

 

Whatever is triggering this depression doesn't matter- she needs treatment. Medication. Therapy. But idk what you can do as the ex.

 

Just don't get mad at her for ignoring you. When people are angry, it's not very inviting especially when you're depressed (because everything is so much harder).

 

You guys were together for a long time...do you have a relationship with her parents? Can you talk to them to make sure she's okay? Don't talk to them about reconciliation or how upset you are about the break up...just implore them to make sure she gets treatment.

[Grouse]

I wouldn't immediately assume she's met someone else...unless you have proof. Depression created a really horrible insomnia in me, so I would go walking at all hours of the night hoping to tire myself out. It might be something like that. Or she might be sleeping over at a friends, or at her parents if someone got worried about her and insisted she not be alone. Who knows...but assuming the worst only makes you suffer more.

 

 

Is she getting treatment for her depression? I ask because it's almost impossible to get out of the pit alone.

 

People don't really think of treating mental health in the same way that we think of treating physical ailments, but we would never tell someone who just lost a leg to "get up and walk it off".

 

It was very good of you to help her with dishes and cleaning her house...even simple things like that can feel overwhelming and huge when you're depressed...and every little bit less that you have to worry about it is a little bit more headspace that you can put towards self care.

 

Depression is a demon that sits there telling you that you're worthless. It tells you you're not worth helping. You're unlovable. Stupid. Ugly. Unkind. Depression makes you feel like you're dying...it makes you want to die. And what do dying animals do? Typically they go and hide and die alone. Depression puts you into that mode...where you go off to be alone because you feel like you're dying.

 

I'm telling you this so you'll understand why. When was depressed I would beg my husband to leave me. "It will be easier for you, and then I won't have to be a burden on you." Depression isn't rational. I'm glad my husband didn't leave.

 

Idk what you do in this situation...it sounds like you don't live together (which is odd for being together for 5 years)...so I'm not sure in this case what you do. Breaking up is a decision she made, and you have to respect it. Like another poster said, being in a relationship she didn't want to be in might have contributed to her depression...but that's speculation.

 

Whatever is triggering this depression doesn't matter- she needs treatment. Medication. Therapy. But idk what you can do as the ex.

 

Just don't get mad at her for ignoring you. When people are angry, it's not very inviting especially when you're depressed (because everything is so much harder).

 

You guys were together for a long time...do you have a relationship with her parents? Can you talk to them to make sure she's okay? Don't talk to them about reconciliation or how upset you are about the break up...just implore them to make sure she gets treatment.

 

 

I was going to thank you for that incredibly insightful post as it really gave me a great look into my ex her mind almost.....However I could not shake that gut feeling of there being another man involved in this, in the past whenever I got this gut feeling with previous gf's it always turned out to be true.

So I decided to bluntly confront her with it and she indeed acknowlegded that there was another man and how sorry she was and blablabla.

I send her a really long hatefull text message(stupid I know) and then preceded to delete and block her from all social media and whatsapp, I don't even care what her response was going to be we are well and truly over.

 

I have nothing but hate in my heart left for this sorry excuse for a human being, I gave so much to her and she goes around and does this?

I'm literally shaking with anger right now, I want to lash out so badly and make her hurt as much as I have been hurting for the past year! god someone please hold me...I'm absolutely breaking down, I feel so used! I gave you all my heart and took care of you the best I could and this is how you thank me?

 

Someone help, please help....

[Giblesp]

Look, when you get the ice cold treatment for whatever reason, walk out the door.

 

The ice queen rules nothing but a kingdom of pain and unless you want to be one of her miserable subjects, move on to warmer valleys. Seriously, don't tolerate cold, hard people in your life. Once you tolerate them their dysfunction gets worse and worse. Always will until someone has the balls to walk away from them.

 

So I've got to ask, this woman is being rude, cold and suffers from depression meaning that she is unable to be a good partner. Why do you want to be with her? I'm sure you love aspects of her, but why would you give your heart to someone who can't be a good partner and treats you badly? Just take a step back and have a look at the situation with fresh eyes. I know it hurts, but surely the only thing to do is step back from such a person.

[Giblesp]

I was going to thank you for that incredibly insightful post as it really gave me a great look into my ex her mind almost.....However I could not shake that gut feeling of there being another man involved in this, in the past whenever I got this gut feeling with previous gf's it always turned out to be true.

So I decided to bluntly confront her with it and she indeed acknowlegded that there was another man and how sorry she was and blablabla.

I send her a really long hatefull text message(stupid I know) and then preceded to delete and block her from all social media and whatsapp, I don't even care what her response was going to be we are well and truly over.

 

I have nothing but hate in my heart left for this sorry excuse for a human being, I gave so much to her and she goes around and does this?

I'm literally shaking with anger right now, I want to lash out so badly and make her hurt as much as I have been hurting for the past year! god someone please hold me...I'm absolutely breaking down, I feel so used! I gave you all my heart and took care of you the best I could and this is how you thank me?

 

Someone help, please help....

 

 

 

Well, she's the one making her own life more complicated and feeding her own depression. Such a person is really not suitable for a relationship and any self respecting man would walk away from her. All she can offer is a world of pain. You now have the opportunity to get out of it forever. Take that opportunity, one day you will celebrate being apart from her.

 

Don't bother with saying anything more to her. Take the higher ground and be the better man. A self respecting man would simply walk away and not look back.

 

She has a web of depression round her as depressed people do. Anyone who comes close to them gets affected, as you are being affected now. Walk away from her and her negative energies.

[faraday]

I was going to thank you for that incredibly insightful post as it really gave me a great look into my ex her mind almost.....However I could not shake that gut feeling of there being another man involved in this, in the past whenever I got this gut feeling with previous gf's it always turned out to be true.

So I decided to bluntly confront her with it and she indeed acknowlegded that there was another man and how sorry she was and blablabla.

I send her a really long hatefull text message(stupid I know) and then preceded to delete and block her from all social media and whatsapp, I don't even care what her response was going to be we are well and truly over.

 

I have nothing but hate in my heart left for this sorry excuse for a human being, I gave so much to her and she goes around and does this?

I'm literally shaking with anger right now, I want to lash out so badly and make her hurt as much as I have been hurting for the past year! god someone please hold me...I'm absolutely breaking down, I feel so used! I gave you all my heart and took care of you the best I could and this is how you thank me?

 

Someone help, please help....

 

I'm sorry that she moved on. She handled this really bad, and treated you unfairly and unkindly.

 

You did the best thing you could have possibly done by blocking her. Just think b*tch or whatever you need to everything you think of her- and think "I'm going to meet someone so much better for me, she wasn't my forever." And focus on moving forward, focus on yourself.

 

You did all the right things Grouse. She just wasn't able to appreciate them. One day you'll meet someone that does....that thinks you're amazing and awesome and enough. Until then...take care of yourself.

[chitown9]

I am sorry that she turned out to be a big disappointment. It is time for you to give yourself a lot of self love now. Big hugs to you (( )). chi