Is there such a thing as a (near) perfect match?

[thornz]

" I told her she shouldn't be trying for a baby without first dealing with that as I don't believe she will cope and may end up very sick and it will put a strain on her "perfect" relationship. "

 

Did she ask you for your opinion on whether she should try to conceive? If she didn't then the issue is really with you - you're going to attract people who are so insecure that they're ok with this kind of unsolicited and highly personal/sensitive input or you're going to alienate people including potential romantic partners who will seek to distance themselves from being told what to do without asking for input/advice. So yes good communication is essential and my sense is that you are judging others' relationships because of how those people react when you pry into their personal affairs without being asked for such input. Just a guess.

 

She didn't ask whether I thought she should have a baby, I can't imagine many people would ask such a question. We were on the way to her doctors because the anxiety of trying for a baby caused her periods to stop. I was shocked that she didn't seem concerned about getting her health back on track and dealing with the source of the issue but rather just about having her period so she can get pregnant.

 

I wouldn't say it was unsolicited as it was related to a discussion we were already having. I've also got to say that when it comes to child welfare I don't think you should be reserved. I presented my opinion in as respectful and sensitive a manner as I know how. She has since started to work on her anxiety issues. I have shown her the worksheets given to me by my psychiatrist and we've talked about a meditation app we both use that we have found helpful. I only really comment on things she brings up herself, which is a lot.

 

I know they go swinging clubs etc. We talk about all sorts and she says she loves that she can talk to me about anything because her other female friends can be "catty" and "judgemental".

[thornz]

Thornz, you have enough to deal with yourself right now without becoming a marriage counsellor for your friend. Indeed it is most unwise to get involved in any way in someone else's marriage as you will not be thanked for it.

 

And no, I maintain there is no such thing as a "perfect" match. A good match, a suitable match, yes. Perfection does not exist.

 

I don't really get involved unless it's a discussion were having about something in particular. I don't just turn up at their house and start telling them what to do lol. Generally I'm not aware of any relationship issues they have, as I said they seem to be very happy and apparently don't argue but individually they seem to have a lot of issues. If I wanted to talk about something I was worried about I would usually talk with my ex about it rather than stick my nose in.

 

Well I'll be looking for a good match who can communicate when I have finished therapy and my degree

[thornz]

Not sure if I understand this correctly, but are you saying a happy, successful "near perfect" relationship is odd and a frightening concept?

 

No a relationship where you are attached at the hip very quickly, move in soon etc. It sounds like hell to me.

 

Obviously a happy and successful near perfect relationship is what I'm aiming for.

[thornz]

Communication is huge in a relationship. When you get to that anger/anxiety stage you're really at the meat of the conflict. That's where the pain is, and that's what needs to be dealt with- the "unmet need." Do you stop the argument at this stage, or do you begin the negotiation? Because that's where it needs to happen, in my opinion. It's where you can reach the best compromise so that these feelings don't have to be provoked again. But you do need to take a deep breath and push through, not be chased away by the intensity of your feelings. If that makes sense.

 

 

 

Yes! unfortunately, once you master this it's only half the battle. Good communicators can be hard to find!

 

I'm not sure we would really argue, we would end up with either him being angry and me not understating why and withdrawing, or me withdrawing and him becoming angry because he didn't understand why. I know I very rarely went to him and just said, darling I don't like when you do this, or could you please try x, y or z when a, b, c event happens in future because it makes me feel a certain way. On the rare occasions I could do that it would be via text which he would misinterpret as me having a go at him.

 

He rarely expressed to me his unmet needs without getting agitated and we never scheduled time to talk things through properly. It was only when things came to a head. Which of course didn't result in productive discussion as we were both emotional. It's so obvious now I could kick myself but best to just concentrate on improving myself.

 

We couldn't really negotiate when we were emotional.

[Batya33]

I don't really get involved unless it's a discussion were having about something in particular. I don't just turn up at their house and start telling them what to do lol. Generally I'm not aware of any relationship issues they have, as I said they seem to be very happy and apparently don't argue but individually they seem to have a lot of issues. If I wanted to talk about something I was worried about I would usually talk with my ex about it rather than stick my nose in.

 

Well I'll be looking for a good match who can communicate when I have finished therapy and my degree

 

I would go further and not give unsolicited advice on such a personal topic unless it is specifically asked for -even if you're discussing the topic or a related topic stay silent unless specifically asked and even then make sure the person really means she wants your input. I would ask the therapist if it's a good idea to delay even looking to date until you "finish" therapy -from my understanding therapy can be extremely long term. I know many happy couples where one or both see a therapist.

[LaHermes]

We couldn't really negotiate when we were emotional.

 

I would even go so far as to say it is impossible to negotiate when emotional.

 

And you know, it isn't as easy for men to express certain things as it is for us.

 

When at all possible, keep it simple (KISS).

[Batya33]

I'm not sure we would really argue, we would end up with either him being angry and me not understating why and withdrawing, or me withdrawing and him becoming angry because he didn't understand why. I know I very rarely went to him and just said, darling I don't like when you do this, or could you please try x, y or z when a, b, c event happens in future because it makes me feel a certain way. On the rare occasions I could do that it would be via text which he would misinterpret as me having a go at him.

 

He rarely expressed to me his unmet needs without getting agitated and we never scheduled time to talk things through properly. It was only when things came to a head. Which of course didn't result in productive discussion as we were both emotional. It's so obvious now I could kick myself but best to just concentrate on improving myself.

 

We couldn't really negotiate when we were emotional.

 

It sounds that on your end for whatever reason you weren't willing to put in the effort to talk about difficult things with him.

[thornz]

I think we would also need to define what is meant by "unmet needs".

 

I agree with everything that is being said about communication, but it IS important to remember that no spouse is supposed to be the other's therapist, mind-reader, minder, consultant etc. Or, put differently, the husband/partner is not supposed to be a "male girl-friend" nor is he cut out for that role.

 

Unmet needs would be those that are reasonable to expect your partner to meet, for example the need for affection, sex, quality time. My ex had an unmet need of wanting reassurance I was serious about the relationship, I had the same unmet need. Through lack of communication we both wrongly assumed the other didn't want the relationship to go further.

 

I think one of the reasons I find it hard to communicate with a partner is because I feel I should deal with all my issues on my own, that if I have a need it means I should deal with it, I feel like a burden or that my partner shouldn't have to "put up" with my issues. Really I should be able to say, I am feeling sad today because of this or that and I am happy to let you try and cheer me up. I push people away rather than confide in them. I think it's caused me a lot of problems and affected most of my relationships (including the platonic ones).

[Batya33]

I cannot agree with your approach. I wouldn't do the mindset of using the psychospeak of "unmet needs" and then "expecting" your partner to meet them. You absolutely should deal with all of your issues on your own. If you need help from your partner, ask for that specific help and unless it's an emergency ask when he is available to listen and hopefully help. Since when is "quality time" a need that you should expect your partner to fill? What does that even mean? Sure if you two have the same definition of "quality time" and that definition is understood by both of you and works for you I'm not here to judge - but thinking that your partner is supposed to know that he "needs" to spend "quality time" with you? And how often? Daily? Weekly? Is it always the same time of day or week?

 

I don't think you should tell a partner you feel sad and that you'll let him try to cheer you up. I think you can tell your partner you feel sad if (excluding real crises/emergencies) he can help you in a specific way (like, a hug maybe) and if you want his input on what triggered the sadness or other emotion. I don't think choosing to keep your sadness to yourself is an issue at all unless you burden your partner with it or you have plans that require you to be in a good mood and you cannot participate in a meaningful way.

 

I had a healthy communication experience this morning and because it's so simple maybe it will help you. I am fried from several days of solo parenting while my husband was away. I have housework and "work work" to do which I didn't get to do because of the solo parenting. My husband is on duty today much longer than typical because I need this time to catch up. I was just about to wash a floor when he said "do you know where our combination lock is for the pool locker from last summer?".

 

The last thing I wanted to do was look for a tiny lock given all the pressure to get stuff done. I did not express that to him because - I disagree with you on this point - what good would it do to burden him with "wow I'm so busy please don't tell me I need to look for a lock now". Instead I got to work talking with him about the various places it could be. His reaction was to assure me he would do it himself since he knew I was so busy. I told him nicely that I would help for a short amount of time and then get back to work. I brainstormed about the possible places it could be, he helped me get things out of the closet and I found it 3 minutes later.

 

So, I dealt with my rushed/stress issue on my own and self-talked that I could probably find the item faster than he could and promised myself I wouldn't spend too much time on it. I hid my stress/feelings to be a helpful and good partner to him -to connect as a team in finding this tiny lock - so rather than push him away that created connection and a sense of accomplishment.

 

Please do not assume this is a "little thing". It's actually a big thing - it's how you communicate if one or both of you is under stress/pressured and sure it's not the hugest issue but often it's how you deal with the small things -how you work together/talk together, that inform and help the bigger stuff (and if we hadn't found it he couldn't have taken my child swimming with his friends today which actually is not a small issue in our situation).

[thornz]

It sounds that on your end for whatever reason you weren't willing to put in the effort to talk about difficult things with him.

 

I did the absolute best I could. When we would talk I would just cry and cry and not be able to get out the words, then I would get frustrated that I couldn't express myself. I find everything difficult to talk about. When asked how I feel my brain literally blanks. A therapist I tried a while back actually sent me into a catatonic state by pushing for me to talk. I literally left the room (in my head) and didn't return for God knows how long. It's a deep issue for me, it's not that I wasn't putting in the effort. I wouldn't pay hard earned money to a therapist to learn how to talk if I could do it with a bit more effort.

[thornz]

We couldn't really negotiate when we were emotional.

 

I would even go so far as to say it is impossible to negotiate when emotional.

 

And you know, it isn't as easy for men to express certain things as it is for us.

 

When at all possible, keep it simple (KISS).

 

I think he was far more willing than the "average" man but his methods were off.

 

How do you recognise you need to negotiate before you hit that emotional lizard brain, can't use logic phase?

[Jibralta]

How do you recognise you need to negotiate before you hit that emotional lizard brain, can't use logic phase?

 

You have to take a step back and realize what is about to happen. Instead of react, wait a beat and validate what the other person says, instead. Every decision doesn't need to be made immediately. The discussion can be opened again. But for the moment, the other person needs to be heard. So hear him.

[LaHermes]

Not quite with you there Thornz.....

 

Also, words like "negotiate" belong in boardrooms, at summits and the like. L.

 

So, you decide to discuss something (what colour to paint the bedroom walls....just a very simple example), so where is the need to become "emotional". Imagine you are discussing same topic with an outsider.

Mind you a lot of men couldn't care less what colour you put on the bedroom walls, but anyway just an example.

 

It really is about straight talking, Thornz. Straight up questions.

 

Thought I'd add this:

 

As with many things, learning how to argue properly with someone you love is a skill you can develop. There is a right way and a wrong way to do it. Many couples struggle with learning to fight fairly. Here are some ground rules:

 

• The first one to get mad loses. You really can’t resolve anything when you are angry. So if you’ve got your knickers in a twist, give yourself some time to calm down before you tell your loving mate what he or she did to bug you (this time). Getting mad at someone and venting at them only serves to push the real feelings down and make the other person detach .

 

• Never yell. Yelling is a form of abuse, pure and simple. If your mate cowers internally every time you raise your voice, you are using it to control him or her. This isn’t fair or kind, and it will tear your relationship apart. Keeping your emotions contained may be very hard when you are upset, but you need to understand that when you yell at someone, you are verbally beating him or her up. Never try to intimidate your mate—and intimidation is something you can do without saying a word, too.

 

• Avoid threatening the relationship. Saying you want to break up—when what you really want is to get your own way—could leave you sleeping alone at night. Every issue in the relationship can’t be a relationship breaker. In a committed connection, it’s okay to disagree with your partner. The key is to see your disagreements as differences—many of which can be resolved. Try saying to your partner, “This is making me uncomfortable.” It will work much better than saying “I’m done.”

 

• Tell the truth. Exaggeration, incorrect observations, and certainly a straight-out lie (white to slightly darker shades) will not change things for the better or improve the nature of your relationship. Tell the whole truth as soon as you can. Trust is the bedrock of love. Without it, you are on shaky relational ground.

 

• If you owe an apology, give it. If you are unable to say, “I’m sorry,” you’ll be unable to have a successful relationship with anyone. Eventually, you will accidently step on your partner’s toes or your own feelings will get hurt. The wrong words will slip out, you will forget an important date, or you will behave inappropriately in some way. At that point, the best thing you can do is say, “Oops, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it, and it won’t happen again.” If you add, “What can I do to make up for it?” your apology will be complete.

 

Disagreements are a part of communication and a part of life. Acknowledging that it’s okay for each other to express differing opinions—rather than expecting each other to always feel the same way—is a sign of a mature and nurturing relationship. In the long run, differences can make for more interesting and intimate conversation. Having someone agree with everything you feel can take some of the mystery out of life.

 

From article by

 

Dr. Barton Goldsmith, a psychotherapist

[thornz]

I cannot agree with your approach. I wouldn't do the mindset of using the psychospeak of "unmet needs" and then "expecting" your partner to meet them. You absolutely should deal with all of your issues on your own. If you need help from your partner, ask for that specific help and unless it's an emergency ask when he is available to listen and hopefully help. Since when is "quality time" a need that you should expect your partner to fill? What does that even mean? Sure if you two have the same definition of "quality time" and that definition is understood by both of you and works for you I'm not here to judge - but thinking that your partner is supposed to know that he "needs" to spend "quality time" with you? And how often? Daily? Weekly? Is it always the same time of day or week?

 

I don't think you should tell a partner you feel sad and that you'll let him try to cheer you up. I think you can tell your partner you feel sad if (excluding real crises/emergencies) he can help you in a specific way (like, a hug maybe) and if you want his input on what triggered the sadness or other emotion. I don't think choosing to keep your sadness to yourself is an issue at all unless you burden your partner with it or you have plans that require you to be in a good mood and you cannot participate in a meaningful way.

 

I had a healthy communication experience this morning and because it's so simple maybe it will help you. I am fried from several days of solo parenting while my husband was away. I have housework and "work work" to do which I didn't get to do because of the solo parenting. My husband is on duty today much longer than typical because I need this time to catch up. I was just about to wash a floor when he said "do you know where our combination lock is for the pool locker from last summer?".

 

The last thing I wanted to do was look for a tiny lock given all the pressure to get stuff done. I did not express that to him because - I disagree with you on this point - what good would it do to burden him with "wow I'm so busy please don't tell me I need to look for a lock now". Instead I got to work talking with him about the various places it could be. His reaction was to assure me he would do it himself since he knew I was so busy. I told him nicely that I would help for a short amount of time and then get back to work. I brainstormed about the possible places it could be, he helped me get things out of the closet and I found it 3 minutes later.

 

So, I dealt with my rushed/stress issue on my own and self-talked that I could probably find the item faster than he could and promised myself I wouldn't spend too much time on it. I hid my stress/feelings to be a helpful and good partner to him -to connect as a team in finding this tiny lock - so rather than push him away that created connection and a sense of accomplishment.

 

Please do not assume this is a "little thing". It's actually a big thing - it's how you communicate if one or both of you is under stress/pressured and sure it's not the hugest issue but often it's how you deal with the small things -how you work together/talk together, that inform and help the bigger stuff (and if we hadn't found it he couldn't have taken my child swimming with his friends today which actually is not a small issue in our situation).

 

I found that we didn't struggle so much with things like the example you mentioned. We got that ironed out pretty quickly and we would work well together on physical tasks in general. Unless I'm missing the point of your example?

 

I think you've misunderstood what I took from the video about conflict resolution. If you have an unmet need of wanting to spend more quality time with them, the video suggests that the way to deal with that is to approach the other party and tell them this in a calm collected manner, then you have a discussion and come up with solutions that you both agree on. Not that you expect your partner to mind read what you want.

 

Funny actually something just occurred to me, my best friend actually said this to me multiple times over the course of the wedding "holiday" I suppose I'm supposed to counter that by making recommendations for when we could catch up? He said I haven't been able to get any quality time with you yet, then in the airport, I haven't had any quality time with you all the time we've been here. I was just like yeah.

 

Unfortunately I think that when I was feeling down it was affecting our relationship because I would withdraw from my partner. He said I should confide in him when I'm feeling down instead of shutting him out. That we're a team and we should talk to each other not hide away. Ironically I would hide away because I didn't want to be a negative Nelly around him but the last time I was down he came over before reading my message and I asked him to stay and he cheered me up. Yes I need to be able to ask for a hug or generally anything I want from my partner.

[thornz]

You have to take a step back and realize what is about to happen. Instead of react, wait a beat and validate what the other person says, instead. Every decision doesn't need to be made immediately. The discussion can be opened again. But for the moment, the other person needs to be heard. So hear him.

 

I found that very difficult as my ex (and most prior exes) would get very emotional too. My last ex would get angry and then I'd shut down. There must be a point before this that I'm missing?

[thornz]

Not quite with you there Thornz.....

 

Also, words like "negotiate" belong in boardrooms, at summits and the like. L.

 

So, you decide to discuss something (what colour to paint the bedroom walls....just a very simple example), so where is the need to become "emotional". Imagine you are discussing same topic with an outsider.

Mind you a lot of men couldn't care less what colour you put on the bedroom walls, but anyway just an example.

 

It really is about straight talking, Thornz. Straight up questions.

 

Thought I'd add this:

 

As with many things, learning how to argue properly with someone you love is a skill you can develop. There is a right way and a wrong way to do it. Many couples struggle with learning to fight fairly. Here are some ground rules:

 

• The first one to get mad loses. You really can’t resolve anything when you are angry. So if you’ve got your knickers in a twist, give yourself some time to calm down before you tell your loving mate what he or she did to bug you (this time). Getting mad at someone and venting at them only serves to push the real feelings down and make the other person detach .

 

• Never yell. Yelling is a form of abuse, pure and simple. If your mate cowers internally every time you raise your voice, you are using it to control him or her. This isn’t fair or kind, and it will tear your relationship apart. Keeping your emotions contained may be very hard when you are upset, but you need to understand that when you yell at someone, you are verbally beating him or her up. Never try to intimidate your mate—and intimidation is something you can do without saying a word, too.

 

• Avoid threatening the relationship. Saying you want to break up—when what you really want is to get your own way—could leave you sleeping alone at night. Every issue in the relationship can’t be a relationship breaker. In a committed connection, it’s okay to disagree with your partner. The key is to see your disagreements as differences—many of which can be resolved. Try saying to your partner, “This is making me uncomfortable.” It will work much better than saying “I’m done.”

 

• Tell the truth. Exaggeration, incorrect observations, and certainly a straight-out lie (white to slightly darker shades) will not change things for the better or improve the nature of your relationship. Tell the whole truth as soon as you can. Trust is the bedrock of love. Without it, you are on shaky relational ground.

 

• If you owe an apology, give it. If you are unable to say, “I’m sorry,” you’ll be unable to have a successful relationship with anyone. Eventually, you will accidently step on your partner’s toes or your own feelings will get hurt. The wrong words will slip out, you will forget an important date, or you will behave inappropriately in some way. At that point, the best thing you can do is say, “Oops, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it, and it won’t happen again.” If you add, “What can I do to make up for it?” your apology will be complete.

 

Disagreements are a part of communication and a part of life. Acknowledging that it’s okay for each other to express differing opinions—rather than expecting each other to always feel the same way—is a sign of a mature and nurturing relationship. In the long run, differences can make for more interesting and intimate conversation. Having someone agree with everything you feel can take some of the mystery out of life.

 

From article by

 

Dr. Barton Goldsmith, a psychotherapist

 

We wouldn't have issues about something like that I don't think.

 

That excerpt was very eye opening, points 1 to 4 were my ex!

 

He would get angry and I'd feel defensive and "detatch".

 

He never yelled but he would raise his voice and deny he was talking any differently than usual.

 

He would say "I think this is going to be a problem" or "I don't think this is going to work" or "do you want to break up".

 

He would be economical with the truth if he thought it suited his argument.

 

! Not only my problems then. I knew that but I thought it was mostly me TBH. Now I see his behaviour was exacerbating my issues.

[LaHermes]

We aim to please on here, Thornz. We aim to please! LOL.

 

I honestly and sincerely hope for you that you have a great life, that the therapy is helpful and that you find that "other".

[Jibralta]

I found that very difficult as my ex (and most prior exes) would get very emotional too. My last ex would get angry and then I'd shut down. There must be a point before this that I'm missing?

 

No, it is very difficult at first. But over time, you learn (if you want).

[Batya33]

I do not agree that all yelling is a form of abuse. It depends why the person is yelling. If to intimidate and control then sure - crying can be controlling and manipulative too. I don't believe in throwing around "abuse" because normal human beings seem Times hell or raise voices when startled, frustrated , exasperated. All the time is of course too much. And of all yelling is abuse so is all whispering too because some whispering can be in a threatening tone or use threatening words and be much scarier and intimidating than yelling. I think it's far more productive to consider tone, word choice and why the person is yelling or whispering or whatever. I find that people who throw around "this is abisive" for things they are just not st this level also can be trying to control or manipulate.

[thornz]

We aim to please on here, Thornz. We aim to please! LOL.

 

I honestly and sincerely hope for you that you have a great life, that the therapy is helpful and that you find that "other".

 

Thank you.

[thornz]

No, it is very difficult at first. But over time, you learn (if you want).

 

Yes I want to desperately, I'm putting as much energy into this as I can. I am willing to deal with how difficult (in my case likely to be painful) it is to reap the rewards.

[thornz]

I do not agree that all yelling is a form of abuse. It depends why the person is yelling. If to intimidate and control then sure - crying can be controlling and manipulative too. I don't believe in throwing around "abuse" because normal human beings seem Times hell or raise voices when startled, frustrated , exasperated. All the time is of course too much. And of all yelling is abuse so is all whispering too because some whispering can be in a threatening tone or use threatening words and be much scarier and intimidating than yelling. I think it's far more productive to consider tone, word choice and why the person is yelling or whispering or whatever. I find that people who throw around "this is abisive" for things they are just not st this level also can be trying to control or manipulate.

 

I sometimes wondered if he was abusive or manipulative. I don't like to think of him in that light, if only for the fact that means I've picked another abusive partner and it's yet another issue I have to deal with in therapy.

 

I think crying is more likely to be manipulative than yelling and again it depends upon the context and reasons.

[Batya33]

I found that we didn't struggle so much with things like the example you mentioned. We got that ironed out pretty quickly and we would work well together on physical tasks in general. Unless I'm missing the point of your example?

 

I think you've misunderstood what I took from the video about conflict resolution. If you have an unmet need of wanting to spend more quality time with them, the video suggests that the way to deal with that is to approach the other party and tell them this in a calm collected manner, then you have a discussion and come up with solutions that you both agree on. Not that you expect your partner to mind read what you want.

 

Funny actually something just occurred to me, my best friend actually said this to me multiple times over the course of the wedding "holiday" I suppose I'm supposed to counter that by making recommendations for when we could catch up? He said I haven't been able to get any quality time with you yet, then in the airport, I haven't had any quality time with you all the time we've been here. I was just like yeah.

 

Unfortunately I think that when I was feeling down it was affecting our relationship because I would withdraw from my partner. He said I should confide in him when I'm feeling down instead of shutting him out. That we're a team and we should talk to each other not hide away. Ironically I would hide away because I didn't want to be a negative Nelly around him but the last time I was down he came over before reading my message and I asked him to stay and he cheered me up. Yes I need to be able to ask for a hug or generally anything I want from my partner.

 

Honestly, all this sounds nice, I guess in theory, In practice, in a day to day relationship, that sounds stilted and awkward/forced. And I gave the example of the little thing because in that example I hid my feelings of not really wanting to look for the lock because I was stressed about work. Why would I share that with him -because we're partners and I'm "supposed to" share every feeling I have? Please. Now if he said "I want you to confide in me more" we could talk about that I suppose but better would be if he actually started a conversation at a good time and it came up organically. Or instead of "I want to spend quality time with you" saying "hey -want to go check out that outdoor concert on Friday?" Certainly you shouldn't act cold to your partner just because you're not feeling like talking to him or being with him but it's perfectly fine to take space and return when you're feeling like you want to be with the person. Cold can be hurtful - I can see that - and if you were acting in a cold way more than rarely I can see where you two likely weren't a good match.

[Capricorn3]

No a relationship where you are attached at the hip very quickly, move in soon etc. It sounds like hell to me.

 

Obviously a happy and successful near perfect relationship is what I'm aiming for.

 

ok. Thanks for clarifying

[itsallgrand]

I relate to you, thornz. I've struggled with much of the same communication issues with partners in the past. It's only recently I've truly felt like I can communicate openly and efficiently with someone. In my past relationships, my tendency to withdraw emotionally and want to 'just deal with it myself' led to a lot of unnecessary tensions and small things growing into bigger things. I also tended to attract a different type of communicator than I do now. Though my current relationship isn't perfect by any means, there is a deeper sense of security in it for me ( and I think I am a better partner who can provide a deeper connection where security takes root too). It may be a combination of better match, but I think a lot of finding that had to do also with the work I did for myself to be. able to be more 'me' if that makes sense. Conflict resolution is more natural now because I have better skills and I've stripped away at the onion of compensating coping mechanisms I had developed to protect myself.

I felt for a long time at a deep level that I couldn't really trust someone else to be my team mate. It was always on some level keeping them at arms length intimacy wise. It was so engrained it took a lot of effort initially to challenge that when it counted.

 

I still rely on myself first, but it's different. Im more comfortable now with being vulnerable - appropriately, neither totally closed off and adversial not putting it all on him. Just sharing who I am.

 

I'm proud of you. You have a good self awareness of your defenses, and how you probably acquired them ( being moved from home to home no doubt played its part- you learned to not depend on anyone but you). There's a middle path.

 

Good for you and good luck with your therapy