Is there such a thing as a (near) perfect match?

[thornz]

Honestly, all this sounds nice, I guess in theory, In practice, in a day to day relationship, that sounds stilted and awkward/forced. And I gave the example of the little thing because in that example I hid my feelings of not really wanting to look for the lock because I was stressed about work. Why would I share that with him -because we're partners and I'm "supposed to" share every feeling I have? Please. Now if he said "I want you to confide in me more" we could talk about that I suppose but better would be if he actually started a conversation at a good time and it came up organically. Or instead of "I want to spend quality time with you" saying "hey -want to go check out that outdoor concert on Friday?" Certainly you shouldn't act cold to your partner just because you're not feeling like talking to him or being with him but it's perfectly fine to take space and return when you're feeling like you want to be with the person. Cold can be hurtful - I can see that - and if you were acting in a cold way more than rarely I can see where you two likely weren't a good match.

 

We could both be cold when we were hurting. On that occasion I just simply text him saying I didn't feel like company because I was drained or words to that effect.

 

Conversations never came up organically as far as I'm aware. He would get frustrated and say we NEED to talk, use your words. And when I would try and start conversations with him he would not answer my questions, change the subject or clam up or get angry at me for not answering his questions.

 

Wow! I'm really seeing now how it wasn't my communicating issues, it was our communicating issues.

 

Yes that's what I meant, if you want to spend more quality time with someone you would say hey let's go to for a meal together next week, just the two of us.

[thornz]

I relate to you, thornz. I've struggled with much of the same communication issues with partners in the past. It's only recently I've truly felt like I can communicate openly and efficiently with someone. In my past relationships, my tendency to withdraw emotionally and want to 'just deal with it myself' led to a lot of unnecessary tensions and small things growing into bigger things. I also tended to attract a different type of communicator than I do now. Though my current relationship isn't perfect by any means, there is a deeper sense of security in it for me ( and I think I am a better partner who can provide a deeper connection where security takes root too). It may be a combination of better match, but I think a lot of finding that had to do also with the work I did for myself to be. able to be more 'me' if that makes sense. Conflict resolution is more natural now because I have better skills and I've stripped away at the onion of compensating coping mechanisms I had developed to protect myself.

I felt for a long time at a deep level that I couldn't really trust someone else to be my team mate. It was always on some level keeping them at arms length intimacy wise. It was so engrained it took a lot of effort initially to challenge that when it counted.

 

I still rely on myself first, but it's different. Im more comfortable now with being vulnerable - appropriately, neither totally closed off and adversial not putting it all on him. Just sharing who I am.

 

I'm proud of you. You have a good self awareness of your defenses, and how you probably acquired them ( being moved from home to home no doubt played its part- you learned to not depend on anyone but you). There's a middle path.

 

Good for you and good luck with your therapy

 

Thank you, when describing yourself in the past it sounds like you're describing how I feel now. I'm an avoidance coper but I've realised how much harm it's causing me and I'm ready and willing to change.

 

I'm glad you have been able to make improvements and feel secure in your relationships, it gives me hope that one day I will too. Do you feel like you are making more progress the more time that passes or is expressing yourself still hard work?