Is it normal for a person to freak out out of nowhere?

[Lovelavie]

Also, there really isn't a specific subjetc we argue about. That's what I'm trying to say. It's basically about anything we have a conversation about that suddenly turns into a huge fight and yelling and stress. Yesterday I didn't even get mad because I decided it was best for me not to waste energy on this.

[Hollyj]

No need to be rude, I would not have come here if I really knew what was right or wrong. I've been in relationships were I could realize I was wrong or right and there have been times where I really am confused because the guy makes such a big deal out of it.

He hasn't cheated on me but he's lied before but things are going different now in relation to girls. He really isn't making me mad and hurting me about these feelings, it's just that sometimes the way he puts things makes it look like I'm wrong when deep inside I know I'm not.

 

Also, about the club thing, we go to clubs every weekend. I work 10 hours a day while he's unemployed, isn't looking, does nothing during his day, I just think we should be on the same page. While I'm looking forward to build my career I would wish he would be too instead of worrying about going to a club and getting wasted on a Thursday. Of course I can't force or change this on him, I just don't want it to become a habit.

 

I know this probably won't work out, I'm giving it last tries, but I guess it's really worthless to try

 

Good God! He is a lazy loser on top of all of this!!! Unbelievable!

 

You said that he had cheated on you by flirting with others: this is cheating.

 

Why do you think so little of yourself to stay with this nothing bum.

 

Does he contribute anything to your living expenses? You stay with someone for the sole purpose that they will commit to you? That's really sad.

[j.man]

He has a bit of money saved up that he can use to go out, but not spend a lot. Still, it bothers me because his everyday routine is: wake up at 1 p.m., eat, go to the gym, smoke weed with his friends, have dinner and go to bed. That's what he does every single day. I'm always tired and don't have any energy to go out during the week because I want to be rested for the weekend. It bothers me that we're not on the same page when there's no reason for him not to be working except for the fact that he doesn't want to.

I mean so what? Haven't you two been "official" all but 3 weeks or something? It's not like you two are tied to each other financially (at least I certainly hope not). What he does with his money is his business. Whether he even looks for a job is his business. If he wants to smoke weed with his friends 'til 1:00am, that's his business. And if dude did cheat on you, lied, whatever, you take it or leave it right then. You don't get license to tell him not to go to the club anymore. You can't just start dating someone and start popping off with a list of **** that bothers you and expect them to be all like, "You know what? I like this whole being policed and having my actions judged thing."

 

Notice nowhere in that am I suggesting the guy is by any means a catch. His lifestyle is pretty much the antithesis of my own. But there's obviously some form of mutual benefit going on. Is it possible you find yourself stuck with jerks because you know they'll do things you feel will then give you the right to nag / act controlling?

[ThatwasThen]

Is it possible you find yourself stuck with jerks because you know they'll do things you feel will then give you the right to nag / act controlling?

The corner stone of codependency. Stay and nag and complain to others rather then leave, be free, and learn to do better romantically.

[Lovelavie]

The corner stone of codependency. Stay and nag and complain to others rather then leave, be free, and learn to do better romantically.

 

I just really don't know how to LEARN how to do better. I mean, I meet someone I like, we have things in common, we click and then something that's really upsetting happens. I really don't know how I can defend myself from getting involved with jerks since you can never tell in the beggining.

[j.man]

I just really don't know how to LEARN how to do better. I mean, I meet someone I like, we have things in common, we click and then something that's really upsetting happens. I really don't know how I can defend myself from getting involved with jerks since you can never tell in the beggining.

Dude you made a thread about this guy and his actions the very first week you two were official. Plus you were hesitant to even agree to being official due to what you knew about his past. It really doesn't get much more "in the beginning" than that.

[ThatwasThen]

Dude you made a thread about this guy and his actions the very first week you two were official. Plus you were hesitant to even agree to being official due to what you knew about his past. It really doesn't get much more "in the beginning" than that.

You would do well to learn how to get yourself gone when it's clear that you should be gone. You overlook red flags until you've convinced yourself you're in love and can't leave.

 

Did you have an upbringing where you had to be the grownup to dysfunctional parents? (not asked in malice)

[Hollyj]

I just really don't know how to LEARN how to do better. I mean, I meet someone I like, we have things in common, we click and then something that's really upsetting happens. I really don't know how I can defend myself from getting involved with jerks since you can never tell in the beggining.

 

Not having a job, lazy and getting high all day should be a red flag. Don't ya think! Plus, he cheated and lied early on. What are you not getting?

 

Now he has anger issues.

 

Is he living with you?

[boltnrun]

So being with him seems better than being alone?

 

You're continuing the exact same pattern. Wanting so badly to have some human to call "boyfriend" in your life so you put up with absolutely anything. It's sad, actually.

[Annia]

Because she doesn't trust him. He has cheated on and lied to her. I don't understand why she continues with this. I guess he is the only guy in town.

 

That's her choice. She chose to stay with him after all that, but that doesn't give her the right to give him permission or forbid him to go to places. If there's no trust there's no healthy relationship.

 

Now, he's a liar and a cheater and his reactions are not normal and seem abusive. So no, that's not normal and I don't understand why the OP is still in this relationship waiting for things to change. He didn't change and it's not now out of the blue that he's going to change because this is who he is.

 

OP you can't make anyone change, especially abusive people and chronic cheaters and liars, the only person you can change is yourself by enforcing your boundaries and leaving when you're disrespected. You show people how you want to be treated by having boundaries and sticking to them. You show them with your actions. This is not healthy for you and you really need to understand why you allow this to continue after being showed again and again who this person really is.

[Annia]

It is only worthless to try with worthless people. Don't mistake working on a relationship as working on changing a worthless guy.

 

This should be everyone's mantra in relationships. How many times people confuse "working on a relationship" with trying to change "an abusive/cheater/liar/disrespectful person"? Trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results... I've been there and done that only to realise that taking lost causes is in fact worthless and very harmful.

 

I just really don't know how to LEARN how to do better. I mean, I meet someone I like, we have things in common, we click and then something that's really upsetting happens. I really don't know how I can defend myself from getting involved with jerks since you can never tell in the beggining.

 

You start by taking responsibility for your choices. It's not all bad luck, nor bad actions fall from the sky. They are responsible for being jerks, but you are responsible for your own choices. You obviously have something in you (neediness?) that makes so that your picker is messed up. I used to be like that too and because I didn't take a deep look at myself and thought that it was something out of my control or "my fate". It's not.

 

Look back and think honestly about the first red flag (even if a subtle one) that you've seen from him. Even if it's one that you didn't think it was important at the time.

 

You even gave the answer to this question: you stayed with him because he was the only one who committed out of the other jerks (he's a jerk too). That's a sign of self esteem issues and neediness. It's important to try to understand what's causing this and what's preventing you from value yourself as someone who CAN be in a healthy relationship with someone worthy and if not who CAN be alone and enjoy herself. Clicking is not enough to be with someone if their actions are disrespectful and if they are an eternal fountain of red flags.

 

I'm saying this with compassion because I've been through it too.