Problems with boyfriends friends wives

[Anon107]

So I started dating my boyfriend about 2-3 months ago. He is 43 and I am turning 26. Lately I've noticed that his friends wives are really catty with me. During May Long me and him were camping and having a fire and drinking. Had been drinking and cooking a roast since early afternoon. He had mentioned that a few of his friends were popping by. His friend and his wife who I've met three times, joined by her daughter and two guys, all who I had never met. I introduced myself to the daughter. Grabbed an extra chair from my trunk as we were short chairs. Got to conversing with the guys about politics and got on the topic of a recent trip I'd been on. The girls had been really quiet up to this point. I said "I tried staying up till my flight. Didn't get any sleep, got about 3 hours"- when I was abruptly cut off by the wife who said, "Well what is it?". I said, "What is what?". She responded, "Well a minute ago you said you didn't get any sleep, now you got 3 hours." I honestly can't remember if I said "I don't know.." or just stared at her but after an awkward moment one of the random guys jumped in and said "Well three hours isn't very much". I laughed it off and said "Ahh it's nothing" referring to the hours of sleep I got. My boyfriend was in the camper at the time and I decided not to say anything about it as I don't want to cause any problems. Shortly after they all got up and left, they had all came together in the same vehicle. I feel ridiculed by this woman. Not sure if I was being too much of a chatterbox or if she thought I was being too overly chatty with the guys or what got into her but it was embarrassing. I've never had a problem with her before and its really actually bothering me. I'm always so careful to watch the words that come out of mouth to avoid offending someone so I find it just totally insulting she would call me out like that. I'm almost sick about it. I was just having a good time, trying to chat with everyone who made an effort to spark conversation and I don't think I deserved that kind of treatment regardless of the situation. Don't publicly bash me in front of all these people I don't really know. She has met me sober and after a few drinks prior to this and knows im not usually so talkative. I want to know what everyone else's opinions are on this, why she would behave that way over something so unintentional.

[jujusamples]

I'm guessing it's animosity, she could see you as a threat to her. I'm assuming you are much younger than her, since she's your boyfriend's friend?

 

I say ignore her, you can't really control what she does. You could only control your own behavior. Try not to talk to her so much. Don't give her any respect until she starts respecting you. You could talk to your boyfriend about, see what he thinks? Maybe she's always like this.

[Anon107]

You're right about ignoring her. That's the plan. I'm usually not as talkative, rather conservative and somewhat shy, but after having been drinking for an extended period was feeling chatty. Disappointed that it went that way. Just sucks you know, go out of your way to do good for everyone and be sweet and someone says something like that. I've already had to disregard the existence of another female friend of his who was rude to me and she's actually got better. He has noticed my withdrawal from his one friend already and politely regarded it as being "unfriendly" joking that he's glad he's on my good side. He doesn't know about either incident as I don't want to cause a divide between him and his friends (they live in a small town). Makes me question whether I have the patience with others to be with this man who I've come to love. It makes me sad. Being it's a small town, they're all friends with his family who I haven't met yet. Next thing you know these women are going to have expressed their dislike for me to them and his whole family will have this negative image of me. I'm in the middle of university midterms and I'm so stressed about all of it.

[Clio]

He is 43 and I am turning 26. Lately I've noticed that his friends wives are really catty with me.

 

She did blow up what you said out of proportion but you should try not to give what happened so much weight. Could you share a bit more about your boyfriends relationship background? i.e. Was he previously married to or in an LTR with someone closer to his age and how did you two met? Her comment indicates that she doesn't like you for some reason and may have felt that you were showing off. With regards to the reasons, chances are that these women have too many responsibilities and too little time to be able to keep up with current politics and travel around the world as much as an unattached "much younger model" as you, so they may feel threatened and placed in "unfair" competition as you are decades younger and with no marriage chores/kids to pin you down. In addition, if your boyfriend was previously married/involved with someone closer to his/their age age, chances are that they were friends with that woman, and seeing her "replaced" by someone 17 years younger than him will probably perceived as "unfair" and/or as sending a wrong message to their husbands. Regardless, you are in no obligation to put up with poor behaviour and you should avoid anyone who treats you bad. Imo, chances are that this is not really about you as an individual as much as about the fear of these women of being "replaced by a younger model" created by seeing the large age gap in your relationship and the prospect of being unfairly compared to a "younger" model by their husbands, if that makes sense.

[ParisPaulette]

Meh, sounds like she got jealous of the attention the guys were giving you and tried to get the attention back on to her. If you've ever slept on an airplane then no, three hours is not a lot of sleep or really even sleep at all. It's called "attempting to sleep while crammed into a tiny space while hurtling above the earth in a mechanical device." So nope, not really sleep.

 

She was feeling left out and jealous, so pounced on nothing at all. If this is the only time it's happened I'd ignore it and her and just keep on keeping on. In the future a laugh and a roll of the eyes then continuing on with your story is the way to handle those things.

 

The thing is you're going to have to tell this guy about these women's behaviors and how they make you feel like you don't dare be friendly with them and why. And either he can see that and take your side or he can't and you then end things with him while it's still a new relationship and move on. Staying silent is also an indication the relationship may not be a good fit, because if you cannot talk to the person you're dating with about your feelings then there's something wrong. And his little quip is kind of mean, because he should have asked you why you weren't being friendly instead of implying you're the problem right away with no information. No wonder you're stressed. You don't feel like he has your back or even cares to ask you why something is a problem, and no that's not a good thing.

 

So tell him, "I want to set the record straight about some things that have been bothering me," and do so. You need to know now if this guy has your back or if he's part of the problem with letting his friends mistreat the women he's dating. And if it's the latter now is the time to bail, because there are plenty of people out there whose friends don't feel a need to have a go at someone a friend is dating.

[MissCanuck]

Meh, ignore her and don't take it too seriously. Let her make an arse out of herself.

 

If she continues to make cutting comments like that, let your boyfriend know. I would also clue him in to how you felt about his other friend. He's seeing you as the problem at the moment, and it would be wise to share you feelings.

 

But I also wonder, has your boyfriend been married before, or had a long-term partner? Perhaps there is animosity in their friend group regarding a previous partner. How long have you been together? My guess is that the age gap between you two has raised some serious eyebrows among their friends but she's not all that eager to give you a chance.

[glitterfingers]

I used to get catty comments in a relationship with an older guy too...maybe something to do with people finding fault in age gap relationships, and assuming the girl doesn't know what she's getting herself into, is immature etc. This woman may not have set out specifically to cut you down, rather it's possibly a 'microaggression' stemming from subtle ageism. Microaggression being a subtle comment that reveals a deeper prejudice and disapproval of a person. Like, "Why can't you communicate clearly, did you get no sleep or 3 hours? It's not both". That's not to say you did anything wrong, rather just trying to take a perspective on it to help you understand that, basically, you're not at fault here.

 

You may have to deal with more of this as the relationship continues, who knows whether it will be manageable or not. It's not a dealbreaker that one lady was mean to you. If a few instances like this have happened, try and help your partner understand that people are saying things that make you uncomfortable. His willingness to listen and support you is the most important thing.

[j.man]

Feel like it's something we'd have to have been there for. There's no telling what else could have been said (if anything) to spark some "cattiness," particularly if there was political talk going on. She might also have a very low threshold for complaining. Don't know and doesn't sound worth worrying about.

[Anon107]

Thank you. He was in a relationship prior to this for 8 years, they split a year ago. From what he's told me she was very abusive but he has mentioned that his ex is still friends with his sister. If she was as abusive as he leads on, I can't see why his sister would still be friends with her so who knows. My mother actually passed two years ago and I have been my 6 year old brothers legal guardian ever since. I am tied down in that sense but you are right. I was appalled at her behavior and their sudden exit. Thanks again, I appreciate it.

[Anon107]

It will be brought up eventually. In regards to his other friend, I had a discussion with a mutual friend who made me aware that she had always sort of wished that her and my boyfriend would end up together. They are very close and have known each other since high school which is why I hadn't brought it up to him. Bit of an awkward situation and how he doesn't realize that is beyond me. Waiting to see how it all plays out before I bring it up but I plan on discussing it with him at some point. Thank you!

[Anon107]

The women mostly smile in my face when I come around but yes I can tell they do find it strange we are together. He was in a relationship for 8 years but they have been apart for 1 year with no contact. He has told me she was very abusive. I'm going to have to sit down with him eventually and talk to him about it before it escalates.

[Anon107]

Technically we were just talking about government regulation regarding treaty status here in Canada. Nothing major. I was more so talking about how bad of condition I was in boarding the plane after not sleeping but I appreciate your input. Thanks.

[itsallgrand]

Technically we were just talking about government regulation regarding treaty status here in Canada. Nothing major. I was more so talking about how bad of condition I was in boarding the plane after not sleeping but I appreciate your input. Thanks.

 

Erm, that can be a touchy topic depending on who you are talking with.

[Anon107]

I am First Nations, registered Treaty. And the woman who snapped at me is also Native but non-registered. I was talking about how the applications of registration are sexist, how you can only become registered if your birth father is status Indian then the guys got to talking about tax deductions and what not.

[itsallgrand]

I am First Nations, registered Treaty. And the woman who snapped at me is also Native but non-registered. I was talking about how the applications of registration are sexist, how you can only become registered if your birth father is status Indian then the guys got to talking about tax deductions and what not.

 

Yeah, I wouldn't be caught talking those kind of politics around people I don't know very very well. It's a landmine.

 

I don't know if that may have to do with it or not, but that's the first thing I thought of. Politics plus booze plus people you don't know well = so much potential for offense and trouble.

[Anon107]

As correct as you are I don't believe that's what sparked the conflict as her husband and other male friend were discussing it more in depth than I was and no one said anything. My boyfriend had just so happened to bring up my status and that's what started the conversation. Him and my brother had gone inside and that's when she decided to speak up. If anything I should've been the one offended being put on the spot about my ethnicity like I was. I was merely making conversation with those who cared to indulge. I would never go into the heavier side of politics with someone i didn't know. Truthfully I have no shame talking about mine and my families race/status, nor should I have to worry about being patronized for It. As I stated in the original post, I was being a bit of a chatterbox but I didn't think I deserved that sort of treatment. Adding to that- she was sober. Probably annoyed with my being so chatty but nonetheless it was still unnecessarily arrogant on her part. It was my boyfriends campsite so drunk or not, I would never go to someone elses house/property and treat them that way.

[abitbroken]

As correct as you are I don't believe that's what sparked the conflict as her husband and other male friend were discussing it more in depth than I was and no one said anything. My boyfriend had just so happened to bring up my status and that's what started the conversation. Him and my brother had gone inside and that's when she decided to speak up. If anything I should've been the one offended being put on the spot about my ethnicity like I was. I was merely making conversation with those who cared to indulge. I would never go into the heavier side of politics with someone i didn't know. Truthfully I have no shame talking about mine and my families race/status, nor should I have to worry about being patronized for It. As I stated in the original post, I was being a bit of a chatterbox but I didn't think I deserved that sort of treatment. Adding to that- she was sober. Probably annoyed with my being so chatty but nonetheless it was still unnecessarily arrogant on her part. It was my boyfriends campsite so drunk or not, I would never go to someone elses house/property and treat them that way.

 

He has known these people for quite some time. The first time you meet people its a good idea to hang back in controversial discussions and get a feel for where everyone is at - who is the persistent arguer no matter what, etc, who talking about such subject bothers, etc and if its a better idea not to bring up polotics. I think he could have mentioned your status as a way of bringing you into the conversation. When I am talking about, lets say trains and someone says "oh, this new person collects rail line dinner ware" === its a way to bring someone into the conversation. either way, I would pretend the supposed slight didn't happen, don't assume they don't like you and just move on. Being such an age gap, you may get some comments if you are their daughter's age. So get used to it.

[Titanll]

Well, learn to ignore better or defend yourself better. I would opt for the latter.

[Nickie]

I have a gem like this in my life too. Avoid her like the plague. Sometimes people show their negative side right away and you know coming out of the gate to avoid them. Others side up to you complimenting you and buttering you up then try to get you to gossip to gain you confidence and then they think they have the right to dig into you. He who brings, carries!

 

I enjoy being very positive around her, she's like training a horse, you have to just keep turning her around in circles. This one gets extra bad when alcohol is applied. If she gets too much, I just walk away.