They won’t forgive me but there is really no way I could make things right again

[RainyCoast]

none of it was their own fault. there is nothing that makes abuse the appropriate reaction. don't employ a double standard. of course they acted defiant towards abusive siblings!

 

a sister flirting with your boyfriend, while being quite a common annoyance, is not a sister deserving of abuse.

 

you make that sound like they were "asking for it". it is pivotal that you recognize abusive traits that were instilled into you and work through them rather than perpetuate them.

 

again. a family mediator would come up with a fair and balanced solution. if i wanted a fair and balanced solution, i would hire one.

 

if i had reservations against that, it would tell me that the outcome i am insisting on isn't a fair and balanced one.

[Hell_On_Heels]

I just think we all need to accept the fact that the past cannot be changed, and concentrate on what CAN be changed, and work on being a normal family for once in our lives. Is that really too much too ask?

 

Yes, unfortunately. It's too much to ask when you've done so little to show true sorrow about your own actions. I apologize if this is hurtful or judging. It is also honest and forthright, and hopefully you'll think on it. It'll take a LOT of courage for you to stop giving reasons for why you did these things. If you ever reach the point where you simply accept what you have done without defending yourself....that's when forgiveness will start to grow in your family.

[Seraphim]

You don't accept responsibility for your part and you feel it was partially their fault they were abused and tortured? There won't be any forgiveness . There can't be unless there's true remorse .

[Capricorn3]

You said you think your parents have the right to distribute their wealth as they see fit.

You said you sued your parents for their money.

 

You said your parents wanted your siblings to be tortured and hurt.

You said you won't help your siblings much financially because your parents wouldn't want that.

 

You are continuing the cycle of violence against them, and keep pointing to your parents as the blame for it all.

You want forgiveness for your role, yet you refuse responsibility for your actions.

 

Maybe you truly did the best you could at age 16. The question is, are you doing your best today? I don't think your siblings are looking for handouts. I think they are looking for justice, the righting of wrongs done to them.

This entire post is worth repeating. OP, you really need to fully absorb all of the above. Really absorb it. Be honest with yourself and stop avoiding the truth.

[Seraphim]

And your parents gave up any right to the distribution of their money when they became sadistic criminals . It should have been fairly split up between all of you .

 

And it should be up to your siblings to decide whether they want plastic surgery or not . How you feel about it should not come into it in the least . You're not the one severely scarred .

[RainyCoast]

when you described the disfigurement, i figured there would have been an acid/caustic agent involved. i have seen legitimate accidents of the kind in toxicology, leading to disfigurement so i understand it is entirely possible. and i was under the impression what took place here was, entirely, absolutely accidental.

 

however, although you were brainwashed into justifying the incident as being merely a result of the abuse you were subjected to yourself, i think you need to understand that while your siblings may grant you that, what bothers them is the intentionality of it. you didn't accidentally knock a container over. you aimed the agent into them. regardless of not having known the potency, aiming at someone isn't an accident. it is purposeful. so while they may understand there is nothing you can do to change your past behavior, they want to see you show an different intention now, a remedial one. instead, you found reason after reason why you shouldn't reimburse them.

 

so what i would do is redefine it. i would apologize for having done this to them, rather than apologize for "an accident".

 

then, when they tell me i need to do something to ameliorate the consequences, and they list a certain sum for surgery, or part out of the inheritance, i wouldn't just decide on my own that that isn't a reasonable suggestion. i would ask an expert to evaluate whether this is a reasonable suggestion, and if not, what is, and i would do that.

 

it doesn't matter that the surgery would likely produce sub-optimal results. if they still want it, and feel that it would help them feel reimbursed, i would cooperate.

 

i wouldn't go to a clinic with them to pick up the bill, but rather would give them the sum in advance. that way, after they have consulted a surgeon on their own, and if the surgeon explained to them they'd get little to no benefit, they may decide for themselves whether the surgery is worth it, and if not, they would use that money in whatever way they felt would help them.

 

so, you reimburse them, financially. then, if they use that money on something that wouldn't help them actually get any noticeable improvement, you can't be blamed. you gave them a sum that was established by mediation to be an appropriate one, and what they chose to do with it, and whether it was as helpful as expected or not, is their business.

[thealchemist]

You have some very large chunks of flawed logic in your description of the money issues.

 

You stated that your parents did not want money going to them so you are respecting their wishes by withholding it. You also said you feel that your parents owe them, but you don't. If it is all your parents fault then wouldn't the best solution be to use their money to help.

 

Also, how can you be respecting the wishes of your parents when you sued them for their money.

 

If your have millions available to liquidate and it wouldn't even cost a quarter millions for both then why don't you? You are trying to use the justification that your parents treated you bad so you sued them for what you felt you earned. Then turn around and deny your other siblings a percent because it wasn't your parents wishes. Your two excuses of mutually exclusive.

 

You are dodging blame right and left here. I can understand why given the severity of the transgressions. It sounds like you are saying that because you were their child you deserve their money. You even sued to get it. But that excuse isn't valid for your siblings?

 

At the age of 16 you have responsibility for your actions, as hard as it is to admit.

[tsowers]

I understand what everyone is saying, and I do agree to an extent. Thank you all for your input. I will consult with more plastic surgeons and honestly reevaluate the situation. However, I’m not going to waste money on surgery that will not actually change their daily lives.

 

I’ll come back here and let you all know what I think after further research.

 

Again, thx for the input. I wanted honest advice, and I think that is what I got.

[Hell_On_Heels]

Genuinely wishing you the best. This isn't easy stuff, I know very well. I had to admit to a terrible wrong, and I know how hard that is. If it helps, I can tell you that we seem to fight it with everything we've got...and yet, the fact that we screwed up doesn't kill us. Quite the opposite. Once we admit our wrongs without defending ourselves, or explaining why, or anything else...once we just sit there with the admission that, "Yes, I did this terrible thing," absolutely nothing happens to us.

 

I'm not sure what I expected to happen....the police to come by? (My horrible action wasn't against the law.) Did I expect a scarlet letter to appear on my forehead? Did I think people would throw rocks at me? It's kinda crazy...because nothing happens.

 

And yet, everything happens. I could breathe easier. I was able to let go of the pain, shame, guilt. I was able to sit and truly listen to those I'd hurt talk about their pain without ever needing to defend myself. I could empathize. And by doing so, I could help them heal.

 

In time, the healing reaches a point where those we've hurt want to know and understand our narrative, and not just their own. This is when you and your family can finally put it in the past. It will always be part of you, but it can become a thing of bittersweet beauty....that you have not only survived tragedy, but have risen above it.

 

I hope for all of this and more for you and your siblings.

[itsallgrand]

I understand what everyone is saying, and I do agree to an extent. Thank you all for your input. I will consult with more plastic surgeons and honestly reevaluate the situation. However, I’m not going to waste money on surgery that will not actually change their daily lives.

 

I’ll come back here and let you all know what I think after further research.

 

Again, thx for the input. I wanted honest advice, and I think that is what I got.

 

I find it disturbing that you are hell bent on keeping them in a position of dependence on you. 'I'm not going to waste that money on surgery ' - they shouldn't even have to ask YOU. The right thing would be to distribute the money so all the children from this horrifically abusive family can establish independence and autonomy.

 

If you honestly want a chance to have a healthy relationship with them, you need to be in therapy and you need to understand and remove yourself from a position of authority over them.

[RainyCoast]

don't wanna pay for surgery? good, you don't have to. you should really just be paying damages.

 

you are choosing to ignore what we are saying.

 

you do not OWE THEM SURGERY. you owe them damages, in MONEY as in, whatever sum is established as fair.

you do not get to track what the money has gone to once it's transferred to their account. their money. that they use in whatever way they see fit, a lifetime supply of swiss chocolate, yoga classess, therapy, vaca, surgery, whatever. it's theirs, not yours.

 

you do not consult surgeons for them. it's not your surgery. if they want to, they will consult surgeons on their own.

 

by paying whatever sum is established as appropriate reimbursement, you are off the hook forever. they can no longer extort you or increase their demands. they can't so happen to pound on your door one day saying the surgery didn't work, and if they do, all you have to say is "i'm sorry the results weren't what you had hoped for. i understand why you wanted to give it a try anyway" and that is the end of it. by this, you make it clear the responsibility for their decision to go through with a procedure that has disappointing results, is theirs. especially, since you have done extensive research and explained the results aren't ideal, they can't blame you for going through with it, and the poor results.

 

what you are now saying is not that you don't to pay for a suboptimal procedure, but that you don't want to make it up to them at all, you don't want to cooperate in a settlement.

if that is so, it appears that you can choose that without any repercussions, legally speaking. so then just say "i am choosing not to do it, and nobody can make me", if that reflects your beliefs on the matter, and is something you can live with.

 

then, you have bartered the right to complain you are not living "like a proper family". you want them to pretend you are a family who is healing together-- but they don't have that in you.