Drinking Beer a little too much

[PoPenny]

Hi Everyone.

 

My husband and I have been together for 12 years. We recently had our second child (he's about 5mo) and have a kindergarten age child as well. He works and I'm on maternity leave at the moment, he provides for his family and he's a good father, but recently (in the last year or so) he's fallen into the beer scene.

 

For the last couple of months he has taken up going out almost every Friday, sometimes on weekends too, going out to drink beer. He's not a drunk, he doesn't go to work drunk or take care of our kids drunk, but since last August he's had about 800 beers (rough math is about 88 beers per month - for 11 years it was 88 beers per year) - I know this because he's been keeping track on an app. One month going as far as spending $500 on beer....which he understands is not acceptable. Last night was the same, he asked (because yes, he will ask me if it's ok) if he could go out and try the new beer a local brew pub was making. The way he phrased made me think that it was a going to try a couple and then come home. Well he actual was bar hopping. He had gone to three different bars and had about 6 or 7 beers when I found out and gave him poop. He is under the impression that if he comes home at the specified time then it doesn't matter what he does, he's home. I do understand it's my fault for not laying out the specifics about this, but I am so hurt. I am at home with his two kids, nursing, dealing with a four year old, changing poopy diapers, and all I wanted was if he was done having the couple, to come home early. I feel so small right now. He goes out and I'm stuck at home with the kids. I do understand that I decided to have kids and this is the way it goes, but so did he. Why does he get to go out bar hopping while I look like a fool and take care of the kids. Because we argued, which we always do (I'm actually convinced he starts a fight to stay out later), he didn't come home until 2am. Last weekend was the same, I had to take his shoes off because he came home so drunk he couldn't move. Am I in the wrong? Should I just let him bar hop and get drunk as long as he comes home at the specified time?

 

Aside: He does let me have some me time some times, but usually there is a deal attached. Like, he'll take both kids if I let him go out to get beer afterwards. He will usual take out the older one for a bit on the weekend. So I don't want to make this seem like he's completely selfish. But he has gone out almost every Friday for the last couple months and gotten drunk and not home until after both kids are in bed, I've gotten since the baby was born two nights out, each totaling two to three hours, one of them he started an argument because I had to get home to help with bed. So it was cut short.

 

I just need to know if I'm being silly and should let him do what he wants as long as he's back or if he needs to smarten up and just have a couple and come home to help with babes and kid?

 

Thank you.

[Lester]

Addiction affects all persons near.

 

Your question of silliness is just one of a million off-base reactions to addiction.

[PoPenny]

Addiction affects all persons near.

 

Your question of silliness is just one of a million off-base reactions to addiction.

 

Is that considered addiction? I mean, he doesn't get drunk every day. He keeps a decent job, he does take care of his family and kids. There are some weekends where he doesn't go out but he will most likely have beer once kids are nearing/in bed..

[LaHermes]

Penny.

 

Some other underlying problem perhaps that is fuelling all this drinking? Nothing is ever what it seems, I have discovered......

[thealchemist]

It does sound like a bit of an addiction. It also seems like he is somewhat aware of it. That's why he has an app and why he asks you. It isn't selfish to want an equal amount of free time as your spouse. But he sounds like he is trying to escape too much and not giving you enough time to escape. I don't drink but I do smoke things... I have a lot of grounds rules, how much I spend a month and how often and when. I never exceed $150 a month and that is with weed. I would be cautious about trying to totally remove his crutch though. He seems to be self aware enough to realize he might be pushing it too much. It seems like his drinking isn't as much the issue as his time away and your lack of it. I have no idea his job situation and stuff though. I would sit down and have a serious talk about his habits and how you need more time for yourself. You might need to lay down some ground rules. Just express all this to him and don't let it get shut down. Good luck.

[PoPenny]

Penny.

 

Some other underlying problem perhaps that is fuelling all this drinking? Nothing is ever what it seems, I have discovered......

 

He does. We've been having a rough go at it in recent memory. I had a hospital stay a couple years back and we haven't been the same since. He has since apologized for his actions while I was in hospital but it doesn't take the sting away. Lots of arguments. Before baby #2 we were exploring selling the house, I've told him numerous times that if he wants to leave then he should (he claims to have no where to go, but I am a firm believer if you are truly unhappy then you will find a way). Though our second child is well loved and welcome, we didn't really plan on him (though it's hard to say that when you don't use protection, whatever happens, happens). So i guess there are a lot of factors in why he does what he does. We have been getting along since I've been on maternity leave. We have been talkikng and having fun. We just took our family on vacation and it was a blast! We're trying hard to make things better but he insists on going out and doing what he wants as long as he's back at the specified time.

[PoPenny]

It does sound like a bit of an addiction. It also seems like he is somewhat aware of it. That's why he has an app and why he asks you. It isn't selfish to want an equal amount of free time as your spouse. But he sounds like he is trying to escape too much and not giving you enough time to escape. I don't drink but I do smoke things... I have a lot of grounds rules, how much I spend a month and how often and when. I never exceed $150 a month and that is with weed. I would be cautious about trying to totally remove his crutch though. He seems to be self aware enough to realize he might be pushing it too much. It seems like his drinking isn't as much the issue as his time away and your lack of it. I have no idea his job situation and stuff though. I would sit down and have a serious talk about his habits and how you need more time for yourself. You might need to lay down some ground rules. Just express all this to him and don't let it get shut down. Good luck.

 

Thank you. I don't mind the drinking, though dealing with drunk husband isn't my favorite thing. I want him to respect me as in, he doesn't HAVE to stay out until specified time, if he has a couple then he can come home. I'm alone with the kids, and I don't mind doing it once and a while, but the fact that he just goes from bar to bar because he can in his allotted time just seems like he doesn't care. He tells me that I can go out, but it never seems to be the right time - like it's a work night or he's working on the basement or he's out in the garden and can't take the little one. I've tried a bit to lay down ground rules, but he really believes that I"m being a B when I say "have one or two beers at one place then come home and help with kids" I do not think that's unreasonable? If it was once and a while it would be cool....he's also very aware of it. He goes on a blog and talks to these guys and they sometimes encourage him to "stay for one more".

[LaHermes]

It isn't a good or healthy situation Penny.

 

"I had a hospital stay a couple years back and we haven't been the same since."

 

and you mention "lots of arguments".

 

Perhaps you two need to talk with an objective third party about these difficulties.

[PoPenny]

It isn't a good or healthy situation Penny.

 

"I had a hospital stay a couple years back and we haven't been the same since."

 

and you mention "lots of arguments".

 

Perhaps you two need to talk with an objective third party about these difficulties.

 

I've wanted to do this for a while, but I can't seem to broach the subject without him dismissing me. Any thoughts on how to do this?

[faraday]

Do you two ever go out on dates? Have an evening once in a while without kids?

 

I think it would be good to figure out if you both want to be in this relationship...and if you're both willing to put in work towards fixing things. Both people have to be committed.

[LaHermes]

Nor is a dismissive spouse or partner a good thing either. Then perhaps you should see someone yourself first, Penny, and you don't have to tell him you are doing so. Objective help there in 3D will, IMO, prove helpful if only to help you think more clearly.

[PoPenny]

Do you two ever go out on dates? Have an evening once in a while without kids?

 

I think it would be good to figure out if you both want to be in this relationship...and if you're both willing to put in work towards fixing things. Both people have to be committed.

 

We do on occasion. And we do have fun. He's not the greatest at expressing himself, so it's hard for us sometimes to communicate. I do think that a night out soon would do us some good, but it will surely involve going out to have a beer at some point. We recently went out to see a show a couple months ago and we had dinner and beer, which is ok because it was a couple with dinner, had a great time at the show and had some really nice talks. Afterwards though I was pretty tired, you know, being up all night the previous night with a small baby (every two hours I think) and he bullied me into getting another beer with him. He made a fight because "when is the next time we will have to go out together". How can we have a good night, have good talks but then have it all dissolve becAuse I'm ready to go home?

[PoPenny]

Nor is a dismissive spouse or partner a good thing either. Then perhaps you should see someone yourself first, Penny, and you don't have to tell him you are doing so. Objective help there in 3D will, IMO, prove helpful if only to help you think more clearly.

 

 

I think you're right, thank you. I think having someone help me to think clearly will help our family decide what our next step is.

[Wiseman2]

Try to get help and support to understand your role in a problem drinker's life:

I don't mind the drinking, though dealing with drunk husband isn't my favorite thing.

 

"How does Al‑Anon work?

There is no magic formula that enables you to help someone stop—or cut back—on his or her drinking. Alcoholism is a complex problem, with many related issues. But Al‑Anon can help you learn how to cope with the challenges of someone else’s drinking.

It may be that you could help matters by changing some of your own behaviors that make things worse. It may be possible for you to find a healthier way to respond to these challenges. Again, there are no easy answers. But Al‑Anon meetings offer the opportunity to learn from the experiences of others who have faced similar problems.

While simple problems may have simple solutions, the solution to complex problems is more difficult to explain. Al‑Anon simplifies a complex problem by suggesting a “One Day at a Time” approach, which takes things one step at a time.

At every Al‑Anon meeting, you can hear people explain how Al‑Anon worked for them. That may be the best place to start to learn about Al‑Anon—One Day at a Time.

Al‑Anon members come to understand problem drinking as a family illness that affects everyone in the family. By listening to Al‑Anon members speak at Al‑Anon meetings, you can hear how they came to understand their own role in this family illness. This insight put them in a better position to play a positive role in the family’s future.

Some research shows that when problem drinkers enter a recovery program, their chances for success are improved when they are supported by family members who are in a family recovery program such as Al‑Anon."

[Unreasonable]

If he's not an alcoholic already, he's on his way to being on at a rapid pace.

[johnnydanger]

I don't think you're being silly. I can also appreciate that he likes to go out for beers, and doing so once in a while is fine. But it seems to have evolved into a very expensive and time consuming ritual for your husband.

 

This is where us guys need to be careful, because continuing to do this will cause a lady to get pissed and nag more . And all us guys hate it when women nag too much. I hope he improves soon, if not don't nag too much but maybe try to talk to someone sympathetic to you in his family. They can help to talk some sense into him.

[thealchemist]

I really think you should just sit down and have a brutally honest heart to heart.

You are unhappy.

He doesn't put forth enough time for you or the family.

His drinking has got out of hand.

Things need to change because you can't take this.

If he values your marriage then he needs to change.

 

Those kind of points. You are living in an unfair situation and you need to let him see the gravity of the situation.