Grey zone of commitment while dating

[Shamz]

Hello,

I just started dating someone 5 weeks ago.

She asked me if I was dating anyone else 3 weeks ago and I said no but I am not sure if we were in a committed relationship. Last weekend a friend of mine gave me a hug in my apartment and we ended up kissing and having sex- it was selfish lust. I have now had the commitment talk with the person I am dating and I would like to commit to them and only them. I am in a moral bind, as if it was me, I would want to know if the person I was dating did something like this. I am also stuck in the selfish thought that if I admit to this then they will leave me. Any advice?

[Clio]

I am in a moral bind, as if it was me, I would want to know if the person I was dating did something like this.

 

If you would want to know if the person you were dating did something like this, then you should return the same courtesy. Imo, living up to your personal values is more important than any relationship. She may or may not leave but at least you will have been true to yourself.

[jujusamples]

You don't want to start off your committed relationship with a lie. I know this is a grey area because you weren't official when you had sex with your friend. The problem is your girlfriend has asked you, you kind of lied to her. I think it's better if you be the bigger person and tell her the truth. If you expect the same respect from her, than you need to lead by example.

 

It's better to make things right when you still have the chance. If she finds out on her own, you probably won't even have that 50 percent chance to trying to make it work. On the plus side, whatever the outcome is if you tell her, it's still earlier on so feelings won't be as hurt as if you were dating for a while and then this topic comes up. It's best to clear the air early on.

[Krankor]

If you weren't dating this girl exclusively then it's really none of her business if you hooked up with someone else. So to me the only real question is whether or not you both walked away from that conversation you had with the understanding that you would be exclusive. If you did then you cheated.

 

Just be honest with yourself.

[Shamz]

I agree with you that being true to yourself is important. I also want to continue loving my SO, this experience has made me realise that more than ever.

[Shamz]

I feel that it was cheating. Albeit a one time only event.

[Krankor]

I feel that it was cheating. Albeit a one time only event.

Why do you think that? I mean, if you two agreed to be exclusive only after you hooked up with other girl how was it cheating?

 

I'm not saying you are wrong, I'm just trying to understand. There must have been some sort of understanding before that about being exclusive then, right?

[Shamz]

My discomfort is that I feel that there was an unspoken agreement that we were exclusive. You know- when you just feel like you are exclusive? But we didn't have the exclusivity talk until after the deed.

[Shamz]

The talk we had beforehand was her asking me if I was seeing someone else at the time.

[WithLove]

May be an unpopular opinion, but I wouldn't tell her. The moment to do so is gone. You've since established that you're exclusive, so anything prior to that doesn't matter. Bringing up having sex with a friend now will only serve to hurt your SO's feelings and relieve you of guilt. Just be honest with yourself in that you do want to be in a relationship with this person and be committed to her. And live by example.

[Shamz]

My issue is that I am eaten up by guilt. The person that she sees me for, is not reality in this case and therefore the relationship is based on a lie.

[Dahl]

The person that she sees me for, is not reality in this case and therefore the relationship is based on a lie.

 

Can you please elaborate on what you mean by this?

[Shamz]

I feel that she sees me as flawless and so honest. I feel dishonest by not disclosing this. Therefore the premise of the relationship is a lie.

[WithLove]

That's what everyone feels about their SO in the beginning of a relationship. It's the honeymoon stage, and it fades into a deeper feeling of mutual respect and comfort.

 

I think you're just going to make bigger problems for yourself if you keep worrying over this 'issue'.

[Shamz]

Do you think that I am cheater though? That is how I feel. As the commitment I felt was an unspoken one- how relationships develop naturally.

[WithLove]

Did you technically cheat? I don't think so. Was it in bad taste that you had sex with someone you didn't have any romantic interest in while you had someone else in mind? Yeah, pretty much.

[Matt3939]

Dating 5 weeks. She asks are you dating anyone else 2 weeks ago. You say no a week later you sleep with somone else. Yeah I think she would have a problem with this. If it was dating 5 weeks you sleep with somone after 2 then week 4 she asks you then thats a different outcome. Good luck

[Shamz]

So you think that I am cheater Matt?

[Shamz]

Dating 5 weeks, conversation about who else I am dating, big mistake, commitment talk and decision.

[Dahl]

It seems like this may weigh so heavily on your mind that the resulting discomfort of debating it internally may prove too much for you to resolve without discussing it with her.

 

Would you be able to, for instance, decide that what happened effectively was a one off occurrence prior to your becoming exclusive, it, if nothing else, solidified your interest in becoming exclusive, and let it go at that?

 

If not, I'm not sure that you have a choice about communicating it to her.

 

Your interest in being impeccably honest with yourself and your partner makes me think that you are *not* a cheater and not trying to get away with anything, here, and I can appreciate your concern about oversharing this event, given the timing and the way it developed - or isn't developing, however. I think that you would be fine to consider it consigned to the past and proceed to enjoy your new committed relationship.

 

Good luck!

[maccerz]

It seems like this may weigh so heavily on your mind that the resulting discomfort of debating it internally may prove too much for you to resolve without discussing it with her.

 

Would you be able to, for instance, decide that what happened effectively was a one off occurrence prior to your becoming exclusive, it, if nothing else, solidified your interest in becoming exclusive, and let it go at that?

 

If not, I'm not sure that you have a choice about communicating it to her.

 

Your interest in being impeccably honest with yourself and your partner makes me think that you are *not* a cheater and not trying to get away with anything, here, and I can appreciate your concern about oversharing this event, given the timing and the way it developed - or isn't developing, however. I think that you would be fine to consider it consigned to the past and proceed to enjoy your new committed relationship.

 

Good luck!

 

I completely agree. You seem like a very nice guy who made a mistake very early on in what wasn't even an exclusive relationshiop yet. I think it's ok to attempt to forgive yourself here and move on with this girl who you clearly care about a lot

[hyden]

My issue is that I am eaten up by guilt. The person that she sees me for, is not reality in this case and therefore the relationship is based on a lie.

 

So, you want to upset her so you can feel better? Isn't that rather selfish?

[Wiseman2]

Have the exclusive talk and then stick to it. Or if you are prone to 'bouts of random lust' be honest that you prefer casual. If you had unprotected sex with either of these ladies then you have to fess up that you've been with others.

She asked me if I was dating anyone else 3 weeks ago and I said no but I am not sure if we were in a committed relationship.

[tattoobunnie]

If you weren't boyfriend or girlfriend at the time, it doesn't count as cheating! Keep that tidbit to yourself - no good will come from it.

[Avy]

I agree with withlove on this.

You feel there was an unspoken exclusivity between you before you made it official. But that feeling is, in reality, just the dawning that you are thinking of her in that light. Until it is spoken and agreed, exclusivity does not count (these days - I am of an older generation). As such, you have not lied. You have not cheated. You were NOT seeing someone when she asked. You were NOT exclusive with her when you got with your friend. In all honesty, all that matters now is that, since you have agreed it, you honour your commitment to her from this point onwards. I seriously advise against telling her of your hook up. It will only hurt. I mean, would you like to know if she hooked up with someone else during your non-commital period? NO!!! You might think you would, but you really wouldn't. Just enjoy being together now and move forward with your relationship. Let the past be the past.

 

Btw, I abhor cheating. It has no excuse. You did not cheat.