Why did he betray me like this?

[Lfeamw]

My long-term boyfriend and I go on a break (he pushes for this) after he comes home from a night out and we have an argument. We agree that we are not going to see other people on this break and that it is just to think about the relationship and get some space.

 

I leave him in our house as he has two dogs which he is not able to take back to his mothers. So I agreed to go back to my parents even though I really didn't want this break at all. During the break he was incredibly cold, distant and rude at times.

 

Three weeks later there had been no breakthrough on his part. However I am still paying half the rent so I decided I want to go back to the house.

 

Not long after arriving back he collapses on the floor in tears and says he just wants us to get back together.

 

However after getting back together I started to find out what had been going on during this so called break.

 

He met a girl the at a club the night he came home and said he wanted to go on a break, he kissed her and took her number. This same girl he was with consistently during our break. They slept together in our home numerous times. He took her on many dates; London dungeon, aquarium, nice restaurants, cinema, bars/pubs, clubbing. Yes all in 3 weeks!!!!

 

Now when I found out who this girl was I was shocked! She wasn't what I was expecting at all. I know this sounds shallow but I think this is one of the few occasions you can bring looks into play.

 

Now I'm no model by any stretch of the imagination but this girl is noticeably a massive downgrade (no one understands it even his own mother who kept saying 'are you sure that's her she's awful, it can't be her') she is average looking at best and overweight.

 

Yet in 3 weeks he managed to wine and dine her like he has never done for me. Why?

 

Why did this girl get all the excitement, surprises and romance and I got nothing?

 

You might think then maybe it's personality or that I was a horrible girlfriend but I was the most loving, loyal, kind and faithful girlfriend to him which he won't deny. We had a great sex life, we always have a laugh and enjoy each other's company.

 

It doesn't make sense, it's driving me mad. No one understands not my friends, family, his family no one!

 

His excuse: 'I can't deal with breakups, I need someone to help me take my mind of the pain I'm feeling. Do you honestly think I would ever make that my bird? Look at her. It could have been anyone. Just to get me through until either we get back together again or I get over the pain and can be single again'

 

Is that all just a load of nonsense did he actually fall for this girl?

 

Don't men treat the girl they love better?

 

Nothing terrible happened in our relationship and I have never wronged him so why would he do something so nasty as bring her into my home and sleep with her in my bed and take her to all the places I wish he took me? It seems like he was purposefully being nasty and trying to hurt. Why?

 

It doesn't make sense.

 

Please someone tell me what's going on here because he won't.

 

No one has to sugar coat anything I want the cold hard truth whatever it is.

 

Thank you in advance.

[Knight2001]

i think he was just thowing himself into this relationship with this poor unfortunate girl. maybe he was trying to add to the excitement by all thes dates and going to nice places.

what are your plans? are you hainv him back? maybe he realises he's made a huge mistake and it's you he truly loves?

[Heart of gold]

Hey aww.. Now there's two ways of seeing this...

He came home and pushed for the break didn't he? I'm presuming she gave him a BIG ego boost and judging by what u said about the looks, he prbably felt better about himself around her? Are you better looking,more successful than him? That could be it?? Maybe she organised some of the dates? Did he tell you himself about it all?

On the other hand, if he was happy with her, he wouldn't have begged for u to come back...but it was u who initiated contact (within your rights as u pay half the rent!) but the question is can u go back to him knowing he did that with someone else?

That's your call sunshine..let us know what u decide IF you do take him back,make him squirm before you do!

[Lfeamw]

Thank you both for your replies you are very kind

 

Just a bit more background:

 

While I was trying to find out what went on I contacted her and she helped me to fill in all the gaps and I her about what went had actually happened. It turned out she believed he was single and had been for a while. She sent me a screenshot of a message he had sent her after he had got back with me saying:

 

'and that's why I have effing feelings for you because you're literally quality. I owe it to L* to give it another go but it's not because I don't like you or anything dumb like that, but anyway take care and I if you ever need me I am here. I hope it's not the last time we ever meet'

 

His excuse:

 

'I was just being a dog and trying to keep her there because after you found out what happened I didn't think it would last and needed something to fall back on'

 

Turned out he told her lots of lies which hurt me for instance that I had threatened suicide to get him back and that he had been forced, when the truth was that he had collapsed outside our bathroom in floods of tears the day I had come home asking if we could get back together and I had no idea what had gone on.

 

I just feel like an idiot so humiliated and hurt.

 

Since I have found out he is not really trying to make it up to me he just keeps saying

'just get over it or don't, by continuing this we can't move on' but I thought he would make a big effort to win me back and make me feel special and try to build me back up. It seems the girl got much better treatment during those 3 weeks than I am even now.

 

It feels like another woman stole my partner for 3 weeks and got the very best out of him. They got the him that I have earned after all these years and the stress he has put me through.

 

Nothing terrible happened in our relationship and I have never wronged him in any way so why would he do something so nasty as bring her into my home and sleep with her in my bed and take her to all the places I wish he took me? It seems like he was purposefully being nasty and trying to hurt. But I don't understand why?

[Lfeamw]

Hi bobbyclobby

 

I took him back and then bit by bit the truth started to come out and we have been very rocky. I am not sure whether I want to be with him as he has been so selfish.

 

I am confused about why he wanted to throw himself into another relationship so quickly.

[Lfeamw]

Hi Heart of gold

 

Funnily enough he actually said that. He said she was all over him and it was nice to have that level of attention. I wouldn't say i'm better looking than him some people in the past have but that was probably because I was dolled up at the time. I would say we are matched. But yes I am more successful than him career wise.

 

I'm sure you are right and she did organise some of the dates. This is what I am unsure about the reason he asked me back whether it is actually because he loves me or just because he is used to me.

 

Oh dear why can't life just be simple?

[Heart of gold]

Hi Heart of gold

 

Funnily enough he actually said that. He said she was all over him and it was nice to have that level of attention. I wouldn't say i'm better looking than him some people in the past have but that was probably because I was dolled up at the time. I would say we are matched. But yes I am more successful than him career wise.

 

I'm sure you are right and she did organise some of the dates. This is what I am unsure about the reason he asked me back whether it is actually because he loves me or just because he is used to me.

 

Oh dear why can't life just be simple?

Il tell you from experience...if he's lying to her, u don't know that he's telling you the truth either..ul believe him because u love him but then more lies will come out.

When he said to u believe it or don't, I think that kind of showed u where he stands and he said that because he's got the back up plan.

If u want the truth, get him to phone her in front of you and say what he feels but that's only if u want this, if you don't then forget it it's not worth the effort. I think guys who go out with more successful women seem to need that validation that they've "got it" from others. I don't know why!

I've got a successful career and my ex didn't even have a job yet I never let him feel down! But still he was on a totally different level..

Just step back. Don't end it if you're not ready. You will know when u r ready to let go yourself.

We are always here for advice and support and venting.

[Lfeamw]

I did ask him to ring her in front of me and he refused. I think that's my answer isn't it? Why is it so hard to let go then? Why am I so weak?

 

I really liked your advice though maybe i'm just waiting for the time that I am ready to walk away.

 

Thank you so much for your advice.

[Knight2001]

if he had told the other girl those things to let her down gently then i could maybe understand. however, he's openl admitted to you he told her those things to keep her on the back burner in case things go wrong between you too again.

if i was you i would think long and hard if you want this man back in your life. if you were my daughter and came to me for advice about this i think i would tell you to dump him. let him and the other girl get on with it (if she's still interested after his lies).

you can do much better than this. think about yourself, you are better than this.

good luck and be happy.

[greta96]

You need to leave this immature, selfish, poor excuse for a man asap, because if you stay he will do the exact same thing all over again. This is a weak person who can't be single, and will use anyone just to make sure he never finds himself in that position.

He lied to you when he said he used her to cope with your breakup. Look at the order of events: you two were fine, then he met her at the club, then he asked you for a break (so he could enjoy being with her guilt-free and be able to easily pose as single in front of her. Notice that even here he lied to you, by pretending the break was to think about the relationship, not to see other people). When for whatever reason he realized she wasn't going to cut it, he decided you were still better (and by better he means more comfortable for him, nothing more!), and decided to try and get you back.

I am sure that had you not been so in love with him and you had all your wits with you, you would have seen right through his act and showed him the door. Your feelings are clouding your judgement right now, but you have to look beyond them and see him for what and who he is.

 

Your relationship will never be the same, it's just a matter of whether you are willing to waste more time on this dimwit and drag things until you can drag them no more, or make yourself strong and do the only thing that makes sense - drop him and move on, so you can give yourself the chance to meet a real man one day. This is not it, and I strongly advise against you building any kind of future with someone this weak and self centered.

[Lfeamw]

Very thought provoking advice. Thank you bobbyclobby.

[Lfeamw]

Hello, Greta96

 

What you have said is what I know the truth is deep in my heart but am too weak to admit.

 

It becomes more powerful when somebody else says it though.

[HeartGoesOn]

It feels like another woman stole my partner for 3 weeks and got the very best out of him. They got the him that I have earned after all these years and the stress he has put me through.

 

She didn't "steal" him, he put himself up for grabs, so to speak. You're better off taking him down from that pedestal, take a cold hard look and realize he's a bargain to no one.

 

In short, if he had the time to cheat, he had the time to think about it. There's not even a possibility of having a future with this guy, (imo). Value yourself, and reach higher...

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. How long were you dating? How long have you lived together? Unfortunately it sounds like he used the "break" excuse to play the field.

 

He wanted the 'break' so why did he need to screw someone in your home for 3 weeks to "ease the pain"? Are you still living together?

 

This isn't about you. It sounds like he's not ready to settle down or be exclusive. How old is he?

I am still paying half the rent so I decided I want to go back to the house. They slept together in our home numerous times. His excuse: 'I can't deal with breakups, I need someone to help me take my mind of the pain

[thealchemist]

He is an immature child. He needs to juggle women to feel empowered. I hope you understand that if you get back with him you are just validating his behavior. This guy is really pathetic. This behavior will also continue. No win situation. Sorry, this really sucks but you should date an adult, not this child.

[Iggy5129]

What he's saying makes no sense. He needed her to get through your break up but he broke up with you for her, right? He went on this break immediately after meeting her so that is a definite lie. He keeps women around to use them as back up? Listen to what he's saying. He's a total scumbag.

 

And yeah you may have been the perfect gf but from what you described he sounds like an awful bf and not really a very good person either. Why on earth would you consider staying with this guy??

[saluk]

I hope you aren't breaking any laws because he sounds like he's 12.

[ayeh422]

broken trust is a very hard thing. sounds like he has some core worthiness issues to work through. is it worth asking yourself some hard questions too though? For example if you were so good to him why was he unhappy? i'm guessing there are still some needs you haven't been meeting for him.

this video from tony robbins works with a couple that's been through some cheating.

i find his stuff really helpful:

 

[ShannonM10]

I read your thread and just HAD to respond because it is sooooooo similar to exactly what happened to me, but add a house into the mix and another 2 years (5 years in totally together). Im tell you this now, cause I STILL struggle every day and its been almost a year and a half. My ex met a girl at the bar, same thing, she was all over him, he TOLD me about her...started acting distant 3 weeks later, cold, rude...said he was questioning his feelings (right after we bought a house) then led me on for two weeks saying he wanted to try. I go to my rents to give him space, no idea about this other girl, he used that time to wine and dine her as well, set her up, broke up with me, and was immediately in a relationship with her. He was also texting her after he met her during that time he started to act weird. She is also a downgrade in the looks but has a very good job (which I do as well). Shes overweight, which he was NEVER into and super clingy and controlling, even went into his phone numerious times from what my exes sister told me. She did crazy things, she knew about me, so shes just as guilty as he was. He is now engaged to this person, and it kills me everyday. I think about what she had that I didn't, why he would hurt me so badly for someone that came off as a stage 5 clinger and did some crazy things that are totally not acceptable...why why why? You will NEVER understand it, just like I wont.

All you can say is, this man you are with, is emotionally immature. He got bored, got attention, liked it enough to not think of the consequences and how it would affect you and was incredibly selfish. My ex was the same, went on a trip with her 4 days after sleeping with me, and not only a trip to another country, her brothers wedding. I found out about her by accident. she plastered him all over her facebook as her new bf, meanwhile im thinking hes out of town working and gave him money to help him out on rent for out place, having no idea he was with her. Unlike your ex, mine didn't beg for me back...he said he made a huge mistake and wishes ne never want on the trip with her...blah blah blah, that he thinks we could have tried and regrets not trying etc. etc. But maybe he is decent enough that he knows there is literally no going back from that type of betrayal.

Anyways what im trying to say here is, you deserve better, we both did. If he doesn't do it again to you or the next poor girl that he gets involved with Id be surprised. Unfortunately my ex did the same thing to his ex with me, no physical cheating was involved with us, but we worked together for a long time, I knew he had a gf and was unhappy and I liked him. I indulged his random texts and justified that he was unhappy..and I knew he had voiced that to his gf numerous times..so I thought it was ok. It is NOT ok. Who knows what they told the other girls. the fact of the matter is, they were the ones in a relationship or claiming to want to work on a relationship and they bailed when they got attention. That is not long term material. I worried for so long he changed for her, well 4 months ago he called me repeatedly at night and hes engaged to this chick. Get out now, you will NEVER trust him again, he has shown you who he is, a relationship where someone can lie so easily to someone they shared so much with is doomed to fail. Maybe one day he will learn, but I doubt it. I wish I could follow my own advice cause I still struggle, but just know you are a good person and no, she didn't have anything you didn't, she was shiny, new and made him feel good. If people wanna cheat they cheat, it doesn't matter how good you are to them, its a character flaw and generally if theres a pattern, like with my ex, it doesn't change, especially if they just monkey branch. Im so sorry for your pain, you are not alone.

[EtrnalOptimist]

.. the task we want to do the least is often what we need to the most.

 

He had it in him to be a cheater. To be deceitful and conniving. He will do it again.

 

In all my years I'd never been betrayed but this isn't a scorned man talking. I've reflected a lot on this as I had throughout. Narcissists are drawn to empathetics. It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong but he wants to continue while keeping a backup.

 

I've been reading a lot of literature about infidelity and trying again. Far from "having it all out once and putting it behind us forever", the advice is the opposite; to remind yourselves of why it happened and continue to work on repairing the trust. And as the perpetrator he needs to take the lead role. If he won't, you know what you have to do. Don't mess up too many more years of life before you make the decision.

 

I am really sorry this is happened to you. And I wish you well. The self-doubt that comes with betrayal is awful.