Have i fell for the wrong girl?

[DePalma]

Okay, so I'm a 25 year old male and from the UK.

 

About two years ago I met my best friend (Frankie). He's a boy by the way. At the time I didn't have much of a social life and me and him just clicked, he's like a brother to me. We're pretty much the same person. Like the same things, want the same things and have the same goals in life. I've learned a lot from him and he's learned a lot from me.

 

Just before you think I'm in love with my friend - nah that's not it.

 

Back when we met each other we were both obsessed with hooking up with girls and as many as we could, almost like a competition. Childish, I know! But basically, there was this one girl called Sammi who was friends with a mutual friend of both of ours. Before I met Sammi, Frankie would tell me about how he had slept with her before and she was a 'good ride'.

 

Fast forward a few months I ended up meeting Sammi who I hadn't met before and ended up sleeping with her on the first night. Frankie would always tell me she'd be a easy lay but I didn't think it would be that easy. Anyway, we hit it off and she had a good personality matched with an amazing behind She was also the best sex I had had.

 

We decided to hook up again on nights out every once in a while before eventually she was over at mine almost all the time. We never got into a relationship because I was still in my fIIkboy phase so we decided to just keep it friends with benefits. I wasn't really attracted to her face but she's such a caring individual.

 

In the space of a year and a half I've slept with over 14 people that she knows all about. It'd completely destroy her but at the same time she knew I didn't want to be in a relationship with her so she looked past it. In the space of this time she only kissed another boy once and on one occasion she stayed the night at her ex's place where 'apparently' all she did was cry over me.

 

It was the night she spent at her ex's house that made me realise 'I think I'm in love with this girl'. It destroyed me and I had no idea why! I didn't want a relationship with her at all due to her past but thinking she went to someone else really messed me up. She assured me she was in love with me and that they didn't do anything. To the point she even showed me messages between them which pretty much confirmed she didn't get with him the night she went away.

 

For the past year I've felt this love for her but the fact she's slept with two of my friends before me and isn't my 'ideal girl' has led to me just keeping her on the side while I tried to find someone more suitable. I know I'm coming off as a d000khead here but I don't need to be told what I am. I realise that. This girl does anything I ask, she's always there for me and she's even open about me going on her phone to take pictures or whatever which these days is rare. It goes to show she doesn't text any other boys or anything like that.

 

I'm at a point now where I think I might even be in love with her but I've absolutely destroyed this girl and although she must feel ten times worse. I feel terrible myself for doing all this to her but I never knew how I'd feel two years later.

 

Now we're starting to drift apart because of the obvious but I know I could get with her properly if I committed.

 

My only issue is, what if I only want her because I can't have her? Or maybe I want her because I don't want anyone else to have her? Or what will people think if I end up marrying the girl whose slept with my best friend (almost like a brother to me). Or what if I can find a girl that I connect with even better but without this messed up history? What do I do here. Do I let her go... Or do I prove to her I'm going to be better.

 

What would YOU do in my position? Baring in mind I get with plenty of girls but this is the only one that has really stuck around. Would YOU look past the fact your best friend has had sex with her? Would you lose your best friend over this?

 

To add to that she absolutely hates my best friend cause he's apparently exaggerated stuff they did on their one night stand and also because usually when we're together we get with other girls.

 

Let me know please. Thank you.

[Hollyj]

I think that this girl deserves a lot better than you! She's too good for you!

 

I find it really disturbing that you and your friend treat women like a sport. Really disgusting! Would you want your mother, sister or cousin to be treated in this manner? I also think that your double standard with sex is incredible. If anyone should be disgusted, it would be her.

 

Leave her alone, and work on becoming a better human being!

[DePalma]

Thanks for your feedback. I agree... so I should definitely just leave her alone? Even if shes tries to keep me around.

[ParisPaulette]

What I would do is end things properly and let her go. There is no way it's going to ever work out, because you have already hurt her massively. You are still best friends with a guy who was an utter and absolute tw*t to her and trashed her to other people AND you will forever make her feel like she has no right to her sexuality when you do to yours.

 

So nope, let her go to find a guy who respects her and whose mates won't be there to make her life a living hell. Or grow up and toss everyone else out the door, run off with her and start a new life and truly seriously absolutely leave the frigging past behind.

 

Those are your choices my friend, pick one or the other, because you cannot have both.

 

P.S. You may want to look at getting a better class of friends in the future. Good guys and gals don't run around trash-talking someone kind enough to have granted them access to their body, so your friend is a total tool for that. And yeah, you know you come across like one too. But I think it's more of a you probably do love her, but you aren't mature enough to handle it, and you're still too influenced by what your friends want and think you should do instead of just doing what you should do.

 

So do the kindest thing and let her go and move on. You probably only want her, because you can't have her like you said. Whatever it is, it isn't real love or you'd have socked ol' Frankie in the eye and then told everyone to keep their mouth shut about her or there'd be hell to pay.

[Hollyj]

Don't ghost her. The next time you talk to her, tell her that it will be the last, as you do not see a future, and do not want to continue the FWB. Then you block and delete her!

[DePalma]

What I would do is end things properly and let her go. There is no way it's going to ever work out, because you have already hurt her massively. You are still best friends with a guy who was an utter and absolute tw*t to her and trashed her to other people AND you will forever make her feel like she has no right to her sexuality when you do to yours.

 

So nope, let her go to find a guy who respects her and whose mates won't be there to make her life a living hell. Or grow up and toss everyone else out the door, run off with her and start a new life and truly seriously absolutely leave the frigging past behind.

 

Those are your choices my friend, pick one or the other, because you cannot have both.

 

P.S. You may want to look at getting a better class of friends in the future. Good guys and gals don't run around trash-talking someone kind enough to have granted them access to their body, so your friend is a total tool for that. And yeah, you know you come across like one too. But I think it's more of a you probably do love her, but you aren't mature enough to handle it, and you're still too influenced by what your friends want and think you should do instead of just doing what you should do.

 

So do the kindest thing and let her go and move on. You probably only want her, because you can't have her like you said. Whatever it is, it isn't real love or you'd have socked ol' Frankie in the eye and then told everyone to keep their mouth shut about her or there'd be hell to pay.

 

You're spot on Paris. You're right with all of that.

 

Just to clear up though, Frankie had talked crap about Sammi before I started to catch feelings so it wasn't a big deal. Now I caught feelings he's got nothing but respect when talking about her because if he did say anything he knows I wouldn't sit there and take it.

 

Here's where it becomes complicated. As me and Sammi started to drift apart. Mainly because I realised how much of an a^^ I had been and that she deserved much better... We saw each other a bit less and less and she didn't like that. She's absolutely or was absolutely head over heels for me. No matter how bad things got she'd still be in love with me. I never understood that... but anyway... as things started to drift apart she messaged me the other day saying she's three weeks pregnant and wants to keep it.

 

Still do I just leave her alone?

[Hollyj]

Is it yours? If so, it is time for you to step up, and grow up.

 

So many poor decisions, and it is the baby that pays in the long run.

[DePalma]

Is it yours? If so, it is time for you to step up, and grow up.

 

So many poor decisions, and it is the baby that pays in the long run.

 

Almost entirely sure it's mine. In the past she was a bit too easy and straight forward with guys and I think after spending time with me she realised that's not the right way to find love, if you get what I mean. She's not the same easy girl she used to be and I know there is/was no other guys in her life in the past three months anyway.

 

I initially argued with her to get an abortion which I realise is entirely her decision and she doesn't want to but man... Both her and the baby deserve much better than me. How do we put feelings aside? I'm going to see her most the time. She's still going to be in love with me and I'm still going to have feelings towards her.

 

It'd be much more logical and simpler if there was no baby and we could just block each other and go separate ways but that won't happen.

[Hollyj]

You're right, it won't.

 

If you have feelings for this girl, and think you have a future, then make it work. Time to treat her, and yourself with some respect.

 

I wish you luck.

[DePalma]

You're right, it won't.

 

If you have feelings for this girl, and think you have a future, then make it work. Time to treat her, and yourself with some respect.

 

I wish you luck.

 

How do you know if it's love and not just like I said earlier, the fact I don't want to see her with anyone else?

 

It's not really that. I'd say she's my best friend, we have a great connection and I do want her to be happy but imagining her with anyone else makes me realise I messed up but then if I had her I'd probably realise quickly we can't be together. I'd almost say we're soulmates but everything that's happened is always going to be there. The jealousy, insecurity, the past... It'll never go away and a baby probably won't change that?

 

It's crazy though. After all this time of her waiting for me to make a commitment it's only now she's pregnant she's said to me if you don't want to be with me then we need to stop talking as if we're together. She's been over once since she's been pregnant and even though we were planning to just be friends about this all we ended up sleeping together.

 

So very complicated. Thanks for your replies Holly.

[Birdie]

It's not really that complicated, you're just incredibly selfish. You want to keep her in the side wings until you decide what you want. If you really wanted to be with her you wouldn't risk loosing her to someone else. Instead, it seems as soon as she starts getting attention from other guys you just pull her back in and keep her hanging. This poor poor girl, her self esteem is probably negative 100.

 

You need to end things with her. Sit her down, tell her you don't want a relationship but will be there to support baby. You need some space away from her to settle your own mind down. Even if you might want a relationship in the future, sounds like you both have a lot of growing up to do first as well as some space from one another.

 

Baby is the number one priority. Do you own your own place? What are yours and her finances like? How will you support a child?

 

Have you both been tested for all STDs? Some can effect the fetus or baby during birth. Sounds like you've both had your fair share of partners....hopefully you always engaged in safe practices.

 

It's not about you anymore.

 

I'd also try to seriously reflect on how you treat and look at women....you do not come off well in your own post.

[MissCanuck]

First of all, you need to get confirmation that this baby is in fact yours. Yes, that will probably make her mad. But you two are not in a relationship, she's stayed with an ex recently, has a history of sleeping with various partners, and it's only responsible to make sure this is your child before you go making any future plans, with or without her. Being "pretty sure" is not sufficient when you're talking about a baby. Explain that you will be happy to help make the necessary arrangements to determine paternity.

 

Then you can start thinking about what do to next. If the baby is not yours, I think you will need to stop contact with her. I don't believe you love her and it won't be fair to keep her in the wings until you eventually find someone who really blows you away (I suspect this is what will happen, as your feelings for her aren't that strong)

 

If it is yours, you will need to sort out a plan to co-parent. This will likely involve a legal arrangement, which is a good idea to protect both your rights as the father and the baby's rights to a present and contributing parent. Are you stable and independent enough to be a dad? If not, you had better get your butt in gear to make that happen.

 

The bottom line is that I don't see you two winding up together. The feelings are too one-sided and you're too worried about what everyone else thinks of her. Not exactly the foundation for happily ever after.

[Rezie]

Let's start with the obvious. You are an selfish . You and your friends treat women like crap. So Sammi enjoys sex as do you and your friends so I would say that you are an easy lay. I hate this shaming that is opnly about women. Also you think a lot about yourself. 14 women in 1,5 years does not make you an impressive f*ckboi, that's less than one partner a month. Also why would girls need to show you the content of their phones ever?!

 

I think this girl just has incredibly low selfesteem and you are taking advantage of it. She is attached to you (based on the text I wouldn't say it's love) because you show her attention. SInce she has a low selfesteem she is for some reason scared to walk away. She deserves better. You just keep her on the side until you find something better. That's not love. You got jelous because you feel like you own her and you are the only one entitled to do what you want. If you truly want to be with her then you should be with her. In a committed relationship. SInce you don't want that it's better to let her have that with someone else.

 

Also I hope you realize the double standard that you ahve a problem with her because she hooked up with your friends and is not your ideal girl. How about you look yourself in the mirror and think about how you are not her ideal guy. I doubt any girl wants a guy that hooks up with the same people his friends do, treats women liek sport, in an idiot and doens't respect you, If she is willing to do that then you need to accept her as who she is or let it be.

 

Now that she is pregnant you should find out first that it is true, ask for a paternity test and if it is yours then you make a plan in some sort of childcare office Place where you agree on the child support and visitation rights. ANd be the best co parent you can be.

[kamurj]

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