Dating People "Fresh" Out of a Relationship...What's Your Take On It?

[sweetdesire]

So, I have been noticing a trend lately not just for myself but for my girlfriends as well. I am 26 years old, single, don't have any kids, never been married etc. and I've been realizing a lot of men more or less closer to 30 come with quite some baggage. They either have small children (sometimes newborn's) or recently dated someone long-term. Is this normal? I mean they'll claim they're "single" and ready to date however how ready are they really? Is it true people tend to "separate" themselves while in a relationship therefore they are semi-over the relationship before it officially ends.

 

I understand your 20's are like the "dating phase." Has anyone dated someone fresh out of a long term relationship? Would you consider it a deal breaker? What are some important factors in your opinion to consider if they truly are ready or not..

 

Thanks

[Wiseman2]

An ex being mentioned a lot or still in the picture (other than for kids) or who is "best friends" or who 'hang out' regularly is a red flag. Having LTRs by the time you are 30 is normal. Don't date single dads if you are not prepared for that.

[Scoe141]

In the future I would try my best to avoid dating someone fresh out of a relationship.

 

I understand people have done it before with success, however the few ones I did, it never worked out. (And I was dealing with the residuals which caused the most problems in the relationship.)

[Matt3939]

There's a percentage of people who are never single. They just keep bouncing from one person to another. So if you want one of these you need to bounce while you can. Good luck

[90_hour_sleep]

I agree with most of what Wiseman said. Fresh out of a relationship isn't a red flag in and of itself. People definitely detach while in relationships. Months, sometimes years before the actual break occurs. There are a lot of reasons for this...almost all them point to complex dynamics that can't easily be explained away.

 

I don't think it's something you can accurately assess until you've spent time with the person. How emotionally intelligent is she? Is she attempting to cover wounds by being in a relationship? Does she have a history of this behaviour?

 

Gotta trust your gut. When something feels off...it usually is.

 

Everyone has baggage. It's how we deal with it that matters. How we learn. How we grow. How committed we are to moving through the rough patches. I'm noticing in my 30s that people have less time to mess around. They're more straight-forward. Emotionally expressive. There's more of that willingness to explore and work through discomforts. Obviously we all have different experiences. That's just been mine. And I like it!

[sweetdesire]

I agree with most of what Wiseman said. Fresh out of a relationship isn't a red flag in and of itself. People definitely detach while in relationships. Months, sometimes years before the actual break occurs. There are a lot of reasons for this...almost all them point to complex dynamics that can't easily be explained away.

 

I don't think it's something you can accurately assess until you've spent time with the person. How emotionally intelligent is she? Is she attempting to cover wounds by being in a relationship? Does she have a history of this behaviour?

 

Gotta trust your gut. When something feels off...it usually is.

 

Everyone has baggage. It's how we deal with it that matters. How we learn. How we grow. How committed we are to moving through the rough patches. I'm noticing in my 30s that people have less time to mess around. They're more straight-forward. Emotionally expressive. There's more of that willingness to explore and work through discomforts. Obviously we all have different experiences. That's just been mine. And I like it!

 

Thank you for your response You're right it is about their maturity and I also have noticed the older they're the more up front they're especially because they just went through a "failed" relationship therefore also have a clearer vision of what they want, do not want, in a relationship.

 

Everyone does have baggage..I just feel dating alone is already challenging so to have to worry about another potential person or if they're telling you the truth about that other person ahhh just adds on to it but definitely looking out for signs and trusting your gut is important. I learned also just asking for honesty and asking questions, not to assume things or give things the benefit of the doubt.

[sweetdesire]

An ex being mentioned a lot or still in the picture (other than for kids) or who is "best friends" or who 'hang out' regularly is a red flag. Having LTRs by the time you are 30 is normal. Don't date single dads if you are not prepared for that.

 

Oh yes, I am definitely not okay with ex's being friends..What is LTR sorry I'm sorta new to this forum. I did learn that with my past relationship thank you. We dated for a year and he had a 2 year old son and I realized I was ready to commit to a relationship but wasn't exactly ready to commit to a relationship with him and his son and play step-Mom.

[Sportster2005]

Most attempts to date people recently out of a relationship will fail. Not all, most.

[catfeeder]

My own private rule may not be a prescription for everyone, but I won't date anyone who's not completely clear of their last LTR or finalized divorce for at least a year. You can read these boards to learn WHY.

 

I don't play emotional Red Cross, and not positioning myself as rebound girl is my own responsibility. People fresh out of relationships are rarely a good judge of their own readiness to date, so as sincere as they may be, I'll pass. And 'separated' is 'still married'. It doesn't matter how long someone has been emotionally checked out, if they haven't spent a year reclaiming their own milestones and holidays and stabilizing and 'finding themselves,' then sure, they're a heavily invested 'dream' dater all the way up until the time they give a great speech about what a terrific person you are, but they really should have taken the time to learn how to be single.

 

Rebounding isn't some myth, it's an actual state of suspended reality. It creates a fabulous illusion of insta-soul mate, and while it doesn't make anyone a deliberate villain, it's the perfect recipe for a mess, and worse, dragging any children involved through a double whammy of heartbreak.

 

Can't speak for anyone else, but I won't touch that.

[Jibralta]

The dating pool changes quite a lot as you approach your 30s. The 'baggage' is absolutely manageable, but you do need to keep your wits about you more than you did before because the problems are more diverse and complicated.

 

I would not personally date someone who is fresh out of a relationship. I have done it before, and it is a disaster. I think this is very good advice on that front:

 

People fresh out of relationships are rarely a good judge of their own readiness to date, so as sincere as they may be, I'll pass. And 'separated' is 'still married'. It doesn't matter how long someone has been emotionally checked out, if they haven't spent a year reclaiming their own milestones and holidays and stabilizing and 'finding themselves,' then sure, they're a heavily invested 'dream' dater all the way up until the time they give a great speech about what a terrific person you are, but they really should have taken the time to learn how to be single.

 

Rebounding isn't some myth, it's an actual state of suspended reality. It creates a fabulous illusion of insta-soul mate, and while it doesn't make anyone a deliberate villain, it's the perfect recipe for a mess, and worse, dragging any children involved through a double whammy of heartbreak.

 

Can't speak for anyone else, but I won't touch that.

[Krankor]

[Sportster2005]

My own private rule may not be a prescription for everyone, but I won't date anyone who's not completely clear of their last LTR or finalized divorce for at least a year. You can read these boards to learn WHY.

 

I don't play emotional Red Cross, and not positioning myself as rebound girl is my own responsibility. People fresh out of relationships are rarely a good judge of their own readiness to date, so as sincere as they may be, I'll pass. And 'separated' is 'still married'. It doesn't matter how long someone has been emotionally checked out, if they haven't spent a year reclaiming their own milestones and holidays and stabilizing and 'finding themselves,' then sure, they're a heavily invested 'dream' dater all the way up until the time they give a great speech about what a terrific person you are, but they really should have taken the time to learn how to be single.

 

Rebounding isn't some myth, it's an actual state of suspended reality. It creates a fabulous illusion of insta-soul mate, and while it doesn't make anyone a deliberate villain, it's the perfect recipe for a mess, and worse, dragging any children involved through a double whammy of heartbreak.

 

Can't speak for anyone else, but I won't touch that.

 

This should be a pinned post. Excellent answer.

[sweetdesire]

My own private rule may not be a prescription for everyone, but I won't date anyone who's not completely clear of their last LTR or finalized divorce for at least a year. You can read these boards to learn WHY.

 

I don't play emotional Red Cross, and not positioning myself as rebound girl is my own responsibility. People fresh out of relationships are rarely a good judge of their own readiness to date, so as sincere as they may be, I'll pass. And 'separated' is 'still married'. It doesn't matter how long someone has been emotionally checked out, if they haven't spent a year reclaiming their own milestones and holidays and stabilizing and 'finding themselves,' then sure, they're a heavily invested 'dream' dater all the way up until the time they give a great speech about what a terrific person you are, but they really should have taken the time to learn how to be single.

 

Rebounding isn't some myth, it's an actual state of suspended reality. It creates a fabulous illusion of insta-soul mate, and while it doesn't make anyone a deliberate villain, it's the perfect recipe for a mess, and worse, dragging any children involved through a double whammy of heartbreak.

 

Can't speak for anyone else, but I won't touch that.

 

That is a very fair outlook.. thank you for sharing. I was actually looking for an appropriate time frame of giving someone who was in a LTR and a year is fair enough. At least 6 months and of course no form of communication unless unfortunately there is a child involved..