Friend is being dropped by another friend

[Hasek]

Looking for some suggestions on what to do/say to one of my closest friends.

 

I am a man and met Sarah at university in 1997 and we have been very close friends ever since. Shortly after Sarah and I met, she introduced me to a childhood friend, Hank, whom she considers almost like a brother since they grew up next door to each other. Hank and I have become quite close friends and play sports together, hit the pub, and the like.

 

Hank married a couple of years ago and his wife does not like Sarah at all (there is no history between Hank and Sarah). They did invite Sarah to their baby shower last year, but now they have decided to no longer include her in any way with their family. Their daughter's first birthday party was last week and when Sarah asked about the location of the party, Hank texted her to say that she, and her mother, are not invited and he has to keep his wife happy.

 

Sarah called me crying and asked me what was going on. I had no idea that this was going to happen. Hank's wife and Sarah have interacted at a few events in the past and it seemed things were fine. Sarah said that she views Hank as family and feels as though she has been kicked to the curb.

 

I tried to talk her down, but she had been dropped by a few male friends and also her father, at the request of their wives in the past and I am sure that this is bringing up those feelings from the past.

 

I am not sure what to do or say. I am quite close to Hank and his wife and feel like every time that I end up at one of their family things it is going to hurt Sarah. I know, ultimately, this is something to be resolved by Hank and Sarah, but I feel awful that this is happening to her.

 

Any suggestions?

[Jibralta]

All you can do is be sympathetic, lend her an ear, and provide a shoulder for her to cry on (or lean on). It would be silly for you to stop being friends with Hank and his wife on behalf of Sarah--unless you want to take some sort of stand! When the initial sting of the rejection fades, she will probably understand (if she doesn't already) that your friendship with them isn't a betrayal. In the mean time, don't bring your visits to Hank up when you're talking to Sarah.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately people drift apart and have different life circumstances going on. Hank is a married father and his wife, child, family, in-laws, etc come first now. Just let Sarah know that and to not take it so personally. Does she have a bf?

 

She knows what the problem is. She doesn't get along with Hank's wife. She's not a victim.

 

Sarah needs to accept that Hanks' wife may not want old single female friends hanging out and prefers her own friends or their friends as a couple. Hank is Not her family, Sarah needs to stop being so possessive. Hank has a new family and if Sarah respects Hank she'll get better boundaries and back it up.

Hank married a couple of years ago and his wife does not like Sarah at all and he has to keep his wife happy. Sarah called me crying and asked me what was going on. Sarah said that she views Hank as family and feels as though she has been kicked to the curb. I am quite close to Hank and his wife and feel like every time that I end up at one of their family things it is going to hurt Sarah.

[nutbrownhare]

If she's been dropped by a few male friends, then perhaps she isn't observing appropriate boundaries with them and this is causing problems in their new relationships. This issue is one which crops up on this forum quite frequently, usually by the new partner who feels threatened. I think it's best to keep a respectful distance once an opposite sex friend starts a new relationship, and not expect to maintain the level of contact and emotional intimacy which was present when both people were single.

 

The only thing you can do is not take sides and lend a listening ear really. There's nothing you can do to make it better.

[Hasek]

Thanks for the replies. She knows that there is nothing that she can do about it and must accept it, she even mentioned that to me in her initial call. She is just very sad and I really feel for her.

 

As for the below comment, I don't want it to sound like she is inappropriate with her male friends. One friend did something similar to her about 15 years ago, but they weren't quite as close. I really think the major event was her father doing that at the request of her step-mother.

 

If she's been dropped by a few male friends, then perhaps she isn't observing appropriate boundaries with them and this is causing problems in their new relationships. This issue is one which crops up on this forum quite frequently, usually by the new partner who feels threatened. I think it's best to keep a respectful distance once an opposite sex friend starts a new relationship, and not expect to maintain the level of contact and emotional intimacy which was present when both people were single.

 

The only thing you can do is not take sides and lend a listening ear really. There's nothing you can do to make it better.

[Hasek]

Thanks Wiseman2,

 

Kind of hard to not take this personally when they have been friends for 30+ years. She does not currently have a boyfriend, but she has no problem in that area.

 

Thanks for the reply, definitely some food for thought

 

Unfortunately people drift apart and have different life circumstances going on. Hank is a married father and his wife, child, family, in-laws, etc come first now. Just let Sarah know that and to not take it so personally. Does she have a bf?

 

She knows what the problem is. She doesn't get along with Hank's wife. She's not a victim.

 

Sarah needs to accept that Hanks' wife may not want old single female friends hanging out and prefers her own friends or their friends as a couple. Hank is Not her family, Sarah needs to stop being so possessive. Hank has a new family and if Sarah respects Hank she'll get better boundaries and back it up.

[Salty]

Her father did that? ?!

[Salty]

Is Sarah really beautiful?

[Hasek]

Her father cheated on her mother with his soon to be new wife and then his new wife asked him to focus on the family they were building. She is quite pretty and outgoing but not an outwardly affectionate person with anyone except her so.

 

Her father did that? ?!

[Salty]

This poor woman was let down by the most important man in her life, you be a good friend and stand by her. Tell your friend Hank his wife is a b****.

[j.man]

No reason to stop being friends with her. Keep whatever one on one dynamic you and her had going.

 

That said, it's a gray area that you don't really need to nor should you really want to try and navigate. Being purely presumptuous, I'd assume the wife's just jealous. But we also have no idea what kind of private correspondence your friend may have had with him, what kind of boundaries may have been pushed, or really whether he's not just using the wife as a scapegoat to end a friendship he's come to not enjoy anymore.

 

Again, not putting the blame on anyone. Just to say I'd be wary of making any stances or getting caught in the middle. Just drama you don't need.

[Hasek]

Thanks J Man,

 

I have no intention on getting involved and trying to remedy this situation. We are all adults and have to accept the decisions of others. I am trying to be supportive of Sarah, but I am not changing my relationship with Hank and his wife. I have no issues with any of them personally. I just feel very bad that Sarah is being kicked to the curb and that she is so sad.

 

 

 

No reason to stop being friends with her. Keep whatever one on one dynamic you and her had going.

 

That said, it's a gray area that you don't really need to nor should you really want to try and navigate. Being purely presumptuous, I'd assume the wife's just jealous. But we also have no idea what kind of private correspondence your friend may have had with him, what kind of boundaries may have been pushed, or really whether he's not just using the wife as a scapegoat to end a friendship he's come to not enjoy anymore.

 

Again, not putting the blame on anyone. Just to say I'd be wary of making any stances or getting caught in the middle. Just drama you don't need.

[abitbroken]

When one marries or couples up, the primary person of the opposite sex should be one's spouse. It means that Sarah is no longer his close friend. His wife is his closest female friend. If the wife is uncomfortable on how close Sarah and Hank are - and it could be Hank's doing and he is just blaming the wife because he doesn't have a backbone - then its appropriate to no longer include Sarah in family events. It may be that Sarah has never been sexual with Hank, but if Sarah was unable to be friends with them as a couple and not as an individual Hank, or is too dependent upon hank, its time to drift.

 

Does Sarah understand about marrying and foresaking all others? It does not sound like she had a casual classmate friendship with Hank - it sounded more consuming than that

[abitbroken]

Does Sarah even marginally understand what is going on here?