On the fence about a long term relationship.

[xmugen0611]

I'll try to summarize as much as possible. I've been in a relationship with my fiancé going on 4 years. I knew from the very beginning he might have issues. He does in fact have aspergers, smokes pot (I don't have an issue with either of these really) and the main issue, he's struggled with meth for a while now.

 

In the very beginning it was on and off. He was afraid of what his problem would bring and would leave me and act neglectful. Ultimately in the end we continued to gravitate back to each other and are very in love and have a great connection. I have some specific phobic and depressive issues of my own and he's one of extremely few who has made me feel accepted and acknowledged properly.

 

About a year ago he made a friend named who I'll call John. John apparently is the one who really kicked him in the ass and, I was under the impression at least, that he was the one that helped my fiancé quit meth.

 

We've been living together together since April and got an apartment in December. Recently he admitted that he has still been using. He tells me he uses it as a tool these days. In his teens he crushed his head in a bike accident and suffers from nervous pain when he isnt using something. It caught me off guard because he shows no signs. He sleeps, eats and literally acts normal. But he says its because he's used to it and he was also a speed baby. He admitted he used to abuse it badly but John is the one who told him how to use it in modification.

 

Basically at this point he agreed to start getting some other kind of treatment for his pain so he can wean himself off of drugs. And he does seem serious about it, he's faced the come down before and is afraid of it but still agreed. Now, Im all for wanting to help. I don't exactly want to just throw away 4 years of being with someone I genuinely love.

 

The unsure and phobic part of me however is bothered by the fact he smokes meth, and just to throw it in there (due to my phobic issues) I also hate the fact he listens to rap. These two things make me feel like he acts like another person when not around me. I know the rap thing is probably irrational of me to get upset about bur I just hate it with a passion. However its not the only thing he listens to and he never plays it around me. I've asked him to stop listening to it but he still does sometimes.

 

I just find it really unattractive and at this point Im so unsure what to think. We still have lots in common, amazing chemistry even to this day we communicate so well. There are many things I do love about him but the rap and meth thing just make me cringe. I need insight really badly. I don't know if me leaving, even when he's expressed he's willing to get help, is me being irrational because he does a couple of things I dont like. I don't know what to think. Unbiased answers would be nice. Thanks so much for listening and for any insight

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this but his excuses to be a multiple drug addict are almost comical.

 

It sounds like you want to stay so attend some Nar-anon meetings for support for yourself. It's geared toward friends and family of drug addicts.

 

It's not too late to move out and spare yourself a life of lies and pain.

He tells me he uses it as a tool these days. In his teens he crushed his head in a bike accident and suffers from nervous pain when he isnt using something and he was also a speed baby.

[reinventmyself]

I know the rap thing is probably irrational of me to get upset about bur I just hate it with a passion. However its not the only thing he listens to and he never plays it around me. I've asked him to stop listening to it but he still does sometimes.

 

I just find it really unattractive and at this point Im so unsure what to think. We still have lots in common, amazing chemistry even to this day we communicate so well. There are many things I do love about him but the rap and meth thing just make me cringe. I need insight really badly. I don't know if me leaving, even when he's expressed he's willing to get help, is me being irrational because he does a couple of things I dont like. I don't know what to think. Unbiased answers would be nice. Thanks so much for listening and for any insight

 

I would let go of his choice of music.

Only if you want to have any credibility about the fact that he uses meth and it's become a deal breaker for you.

Listening to rap is his prerogative and it as much as you don't care for it, it's not causing you or anyone else harm.

Rap hardly compares in line with grievances in comparison to being a Meth addict. Get clear on what's really important here and

learn to pick your battles.

 

The part where you wrote he's `expressed he's willing to get help' That's a very far cry from actually wanting it and then doing it.

To say he's expressed a desire, especially coming from an addict, these are just empty words with no action to back it up.

I think most addicts have a desire they weren't addicts

 

You state The unsure and phobic part of me however is bothered by the fact he smokes meth,(due to my phobic issues)

How is this possibly a phobic issue of yours rather than an ultimate deal breaker?

You are phobic to those who smoke meth or won't tolerate being involved with someone who does?

Why are you unsure? Either it's ok that he does, or you are not?

 

I think you just need to ask yourself some hard questions and get clear on what your boundaries and deal breakers are for you

and act on them accordingly.

[abitbroken]

I am sorry, but someone can have great chemistry with me, but if they rob banks for a living or are a drug user, it is going to not go anywhere.

 

Same thing with you - I think that meth is an absolutely full-stop deal breaker. I suggest you move out. He is only going to give you lip service that he is "thinking about getting help". Don't put yourself in that environment.

[catfeeder]

the main issue, he's struggled with meth for a while now.

 

I can't speak for you, but for me, this would be a dealbreaker. Not sure why you'd even tolerate that in your life 'for a while now,' but there's nothing 'phobic' about walking away from him for that.

 

We never get any wasted time back again for do-overs.