How to Help a Friend in a Toxic Relationship

[WombatShadow]

The long and the short of things is that my very dear friend (M27) is involved in a toxic relationship with a younger woman (~20). This friend of mine is part of a closeknit group of four, three guys and one girl (me). We'll call the friend in the relationship T and the girl J. Not only has J made sure that T is ostracized from his various other friend groups and his family, she is now attempting to pull him away from us. Since I am a girl, T is no longer allowed to talk to me or even interact with me on Facebook (that includes me liking his posts) without getting into trouble. J's also interrupted his plans to hang out with the group thrice in the last month, and when he was able to hang out with us he was glued to his phone, taking photos of his food or the place or the people to prove he was where he said he was.

 

J, of course, can talk to me, and talk she has. She explained how all of her exes abused her and how all of her friends have stabbed her in the back, so she has no one but T. She hates his family, too, and I'm afraid they're next on the chopping block.

 

It seems to me that J hops from man to man, isolating one and sucking them dry until they catch on and kick her out, at which point she flounces to the next one, asking for shelter before seducing them (which is exactly what she did to T). I know some of her exes, and they aren't the type to hit their SO, and I also subscribe to the theory that if everyone in a person's past is crazy, it's that person who's actually the crazy one.

 

What can my friends and I do to help our friend before she completely cuts him off from his entire support system?

[Billie28]

I'm afraid that it's none of your business. And there is nothing you can do about it. He needs to come to the conclusion by himself.

 

You shouldn't change your interactions with him. Keep liking his posts. If he gets in trouble for that let him deal with her about that.

 

If you are a true friend you will let him fall and be there for him when he does.

[WombatShadow]

Of course we'll be there when he does fall, but the last relationship he had nearly destroyed him when it fell apart. That one wasn't great, but it was nothing like this.

[j.man]

You could call the National Guard and hope they run an APC through the wall the next time your friend and his woman are having sex so that they can rescue him.

 

But, more feasibly, Billie28's advice is the best it gets. You can't protect people from their own bad decisions and their insistence to stick with them. People can't be helped without first wanting to help themselves.

[LightWave93]

sucking them dry

 

Sounds like he's in for some fun.

 

 

 

In all seriousness though, nothing you can do. Just let the relationship dwindle on it's own, and when it does collapse be there to support him.

[Billie28]

Of course we'll be there when he does fall, but the last relationship he had nearly destroyed him when it fell apart. That one wasn't great, but it was nothing like this.

 

If he was destroyed after a relationship failing, that's up to him to learn to deal with things rationally.

 

It's not your responsibility.

When this one crashes, wait until he deals with it himself and when he is single, perhaps recommend he gets professional help on how to deal with things in a better manner and why he allows himself to be with these kind of girls.

 

But at the moment do nothing unless you want to jeopardise your friendship.

[ParisPaulette]

Really, what you can do is tell your friend you think they are making a bad choice, you love them, and you will be there to help them if they ever get free and want someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on. And that's all you can do really, because in the end people will make their own mistakes and go on down the path everyone tells them not to walk on.

 

Most will not heed advice, no not even on here. Lord only knows I didn't for the longest time either, so yeah as much as it hurts beyond saying what you think there's not much else you can do.

 

I'm sorry this is happening, it hurts I know.

[WombatShadow]

Ugh. You guys are probably right, as much as I dislike what I'm hearing. We're planning a night out in three weeks or so for one of my other friends, so we're hoping we can get T alone for that. We don't want J coming along, but we're still trying to see if we can get T to come without her (or if he is even "allowed" to).

[Wiseman2]

Agree. Keep saying to yourself: 'He's dating her voluntarily, I'm not his mother and he has the right to do whatever he wants'.

You could call the National Guard and hope they run an APC through the wall the next time your friend and his woman are having sex so that they can rescue him.

 

]

[WombatShadow]

Agree. Keep saying to yourself: 'He's dating her voluntarily, I'm not his mother and he has the right to do whatever he wants'.

 

]

 

Well now I have to take j.man's suggestion up.

 

Seriously though, I am worried about my friend. He feels abandoned by the rest of us (we all went to college/grad school and fairly decent jobs away from home, and he's still working the fuel station that he started at in high school). He's like a brother to me, and to have to watch him sink down into this misery without being able to help him is awful.