Unexpected reaction

[ZeddsDed]

Thank you all for the continued replied and advice.

Yesterday was a complete roller coaster of emotions. It was awful!!!

He went from being calm, accepting to screaming and threatening suicide. He threatened to kill me again which is recorded. I am heading to the urgent care to see a social worker today at 2pm.

His father called me and told me he had told him he was going to kill himself also and asked me what was going on so I explained. His father called him and gave a stern word and haven't heard much from him since except an apology and blamed it on his demons. Not himself as usual.

 

Im emotionally spent already and it's only 2 days since I ended it. I feel a mix of sympathy and anger.. i feel like im being so harsh, but the memories of him being abusive override any feelings of regret. I still feel strong in my decision.

[lukeb]

It is the uncertaintly in the relationshion causing emotions to rise to the surface not the other way around. The problem with a lot of what is posted is the lack of understanding what emotions are, and why we have them.

 

If you are just here to listen to what to want to hear and want to stay ignorant that is fine. (I am not meaning ignorant in the pejorative sense) If you are here to make sense what is happening you need a basic understanding of what emotions are, how they work and the role they play in our lives.

 

In some ways you can compare emotions to riding an animal ten times stronger and more powerful than you are, and by the sounds of it that animal is out of control, but like you said it wasn't always like that. You and your partner are still the same person that you were before.

 

A lot of times what happens here is that this turns into a morality discussion where the people posting here feel so morally superior like they don't have emotions or have some superior skill in controlling them. I would tell them not to be that sure or that smug.

 

Your partner is certainly not doing any of this through narcissism, or manipulation or anything like that. You both have been riding animals that are out of control.

 

I am not telling you to stay or to leave, just to have some humility with what you are actually dealing with.

[boltnrun]

Whenever you start to feel sorry for him or that you're being "mean", think of your children.

 

Do you want them to be abused?

 

If not, stay away.

 

And how many times a day are you speaking to him? I would limit it to one call a day to the kids, maybe for 15 minutes. If it's any other time, refuse the call.

[ParisPaulette]

Your partner is certainly not doing any of this through narcissism, or manipulation or anything like that. You both have been riding animals that are out of control.

 

Wow? Really? As usual lukeb gets it wrong. OP, no one here feels "superior" we are all giving you advice to try and keep you and your kids safe. Going back to someone who abused you, who is currently acting erratic and abusing drugs, makes zero sense regardless. Trying to make you feel sympathetic to the man who you describe abusing you and burning the baby's fingers, swearing at a young child, pushing that it's okay to spank a two-year-old? No one in their right minds is going to condone you go back to that.

 

OP, ignore the above post. You have done nothing wrong, but choose to get yourself and your kids out of a dangerous situation with a man who was and remains abusive. And yes, he is manipulative and dangerous, something the above poster either didn't see or chose to ignore as OP herself pointed out:

 

He went from being calm, accepting to screaming and threatening suicide. He threatened to kill me again which is recorded.

 

Sorry OP, but the above poster has got it all wrong. You aren't both "riding a wild animal" whatever that means even. You are escaping an abusive relationship and taking smart steps to keep you and your children safe. Please proceed, don't doubt yourself, and work with the professionals you've contacted to keep you and your kids safe.

 

It doesn't matter what your husband is or isn't, because he is abusive. And that is not acceptable period. All the tears and wild mood swings and emotions mean nothing, because he couldn't control his need for violence and abuse long enough to never do it in the first place. And now he needs to accept the consequences of his actions. And you don't need to feel guilty right now or ever.

 

Your job right now is to survive, to keep you and your kids safe, not worry about the guy who has openly threatened to kill you. And make that known to everyone involved.

 

Also, and I'm going to tell you this as someone who once worked in a woman's shelter helping people escape abusive relationships, both women AND men too, do not go back or soften on "promises" of "I'm going to" or even a call that says, "I'm in therapy, you can come home now." Because again, those are often manipulations. The blunt truth of it is, it takes years of therapy while a person remains single and alone, a massive lifestyle change, and usually a life changing event (usually losing everything and living under a bridge/nearly dying) to change an abuser of the level you describe your husband being. It takes years of therapy, not one or two sessions, which I've seen a lot of abusers do to try and win someone back. "See, I went to therapy, it's all good now." Partner gets home and then it's, "What's your problem? I told you I would go to therapy, and I did." And then the abuse starts back up.

 

So nope, keep going OP, you're doing good. I am happy you got evidence of this guy's erratic behavior and told his family what's going on. Now continue and stay safe.

 

Two books I can recommend for you: "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. It will help you understand the dynamics of an abusive relationship and arm you with more knowledge. And "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. Both of those books will help you gain more understanding of the dynamics of your relationship, where it went off the rails, why it did, and what you can do to protect you and your kids. That coupled with the other resources you have should get you a long way down the road.

 

I wish you and your family well.