Overly sensitive boyfriend

[Hollyj]

He's turned into a woman.

 

That's not nice, and it's a terrible generalization!!!! I do not know any woman that acts like this baby!

[Sienna1014]

Thank you guys for all your input. I would like to start by saying he really is a good guy I feel like I painted him in a bad light and he really is a sweet sweet guy.....I cannot say he is self absorbed because he genuinely always puts me ahead of him.

Yes his boys are from a previous relationship and I do not know exactly why they are no longer together...they do have a great relationship for the boys and I am very happy they get along they way they do. I do know he has only been in two serious relationships in which they both left him for whatever they reasons were.

I stay with him because I do love him we started building a life together. I am very very creative and do work on the side in which he helps and I have opened his creative side and we now just do things together. I do want to add in that we are currently looking for a different living situation because our place is super tiny almost even for one person. I suppose that can help take a toll on my frustrations.

Ok someone asked for examples of his behaviors boy are there many.

Example 1#

One day I went to meet and have a late lunch with a friend. I do not get out much at all so as much as I wouldn't mind bringing him along sometimes I just need alone time as we are ALWAYS with eachother in that small apartment. So I called him and asked him if he woukd like his favorite dessert. I asked because I know he absolutely loves it..he declined and I finished up and headed home. When I got home he said he was hungry. I didnt have much to cook so I said "you should've told me while I was out I wouldve picked something up for you" his response " you didnt ask me if I wanted anything to eat" I was a little taken back because I did call him about dessert all he had to do was say then he wanted food instead of a dessert or both. When I responded with "you couldve told me when I called you or called me back saying pick up food" he response then was "you asked me if I wanted dessert you didnt offer me anything else and Im not going to ask you to get me something you didnt offer. If I were out I wouldve asked you of you wantes anything else" I was so baffled! At this point we were a good time into our relationship its not like we are at a shy stage where he may not have wanted to put me out of my way or something or odd having me put money out for him. It became a huge arguemement because as I was trying to explain what I feel is normal logic he was basically saying I was inconsiderate.

That is the biggest thing I am so considerate over other people.....but many time he acts as if ai am not considerate of him for situations like that.

[Sienna1014]

Actually it is the same guy...I had a change of heart and stayed. We have been togethera little over two yrs.

[Sienna1014]

What do you get out of this? His behavior sounds manipulative and frustrating. Why would you chose this guy, he sounds strange.

 

It seems that you have not been with him long, as you broke up with the other bf in July.

 

This is actually the same guy. I decided bot to leave for Florida change of heart and a great job offer. When I was leaving he was helping me pack and stuff crying amd begging wishing for me not to leave but he was indeed putting all his effort into helping me out even tho it is not what he wanted...so he is no way only sensitive to cater to his needs... he wanted ne happy even tho it wouldnt be with him and I was moving miles and miles away. However I assume because I was moving to live closer to family was less of a blow to him than me breaking up with him and moving down the block. He was sensitive before I suppose me almost moving didn't help anything.

[Sienna1014]

I'm an overly sensitive girlfriend I make my boyfriend reassure me all the time , it's tiring and annoying for him lol, so I this coming from the other side of things iunno maybe he just needs

Some more reassurance

 

 

Im sorry you have such insecurities... You need to work on it because it is exhausting for the other person. I am also pretty sure you are probably a wonderful person who should not have such insecurities.

I am with him I care for him I care for his children....I do not feel like I should constantly reassure him of something he should be sure about already. We are together he knows where I am at all times. My life os work and home and doing my creative things. I will admit in my early 20's I was with a man whom I was soooooo insecure with thru no fault of his...it was me and every day I needed assuring. I didnt see it then but now I look back and I think "how damn annoying was I holy crap no wonder why he eventually did cheat on me" now I am not saying it is ok to cheat or anything but I totally now understand how draining it is to deal with someone with such insecurities...how it is very easy to want to stray for a switch of mental thoughts.

A little jealousy is ok I can deal with that. It is the part when you cannot even have a normal convo without an arguement.

I sincerely hope you find peace within your self and work on curbing the sensitivity.

[Hollyj]

Thank you guys for all your input. I would like to start by saying he really is a good guy I feel like I painted him in a bad light and he really is a sweet sweet guy.....I cannot say he is self absorbed because he genuinely always puts me ahead of him.

Yes his boys are from a previous relationship and I do not know exactly why they are no longer together...they do have a great relationship for the boys and I am very happy they get along they way they do. I do know he has only been in two serious relationships in which they both left him for whatever they reasons were.

I stay with him because I do love him we started building a life together. I am very very creative and do work on the side in which he helps and I have opened his creative side and we now just do things together. I do want to add in that we are currently looking for a different living situation because our place is super tiny almost even for one person. I suppose that can help take a toll on my frustrations.

Ok someone asked for examples of his behaviors boy are there many.

Example 1#

One day I went to meet and have a late lunch with a friend. I do not get out much at all so as much as I wouldn't mind bringing him along sometimes I just need alone time as we are ALWAYS with eachother in that small apartment. So I called him and asked him if he woukd like his favorite dessert. I asked because I know he absolutely loves it..he declined and I finished up and headed home. When I got home he said he was hungry. I didnt have much to cook so I said "you should've told me while I was out I wouldve picked something up for you" his response " you didnt ask me if I wanted anything to eat" I was a little taken back because I did call him about dessert all he had to do was say then he wanted food instead of a dessert or both. When I responded with "you couldve told me when I called you or called me back saying pick up food" he response then was "you asked me if I wanted dessert you didnt offer me anything else and Im not going to ask you to get me something you didnt offer. If I were out I wouldve asked you of you wantes anything else" I was so baffled! At this point we were a good time into our relationship its not like we are at a shy stage where he may not have wanted to put me out of my way or something or odd having me put money out for him. It became a huge arguemement because as I was trying to explain what I feel is normal logic he was basically saying I was inconsiderate.

That is the biggest thing I am so considerate over other people.....but many time he acts as if ai am not considerate of him for situations like that.

 

Good grief! This guy is so manipulative, controlling and insecure, but YOU know this!

 

I'm curious as to why you posted if you think him to be so great! He is suffocating!

[nutbrownhare]

When I responded with "you couldve told me when I called you or called me back saying pick up food" he response then was "you asked me if I wanted dessert you didnt offer me anything else and Im not going to ask you to get me something you didnt offer. If I were out I wouldve asked you of you wantes anything else" I was so baffled!

 

This is just playing stupid games, nothing baffling about it.

[Wiseman2]

Have you read the book: Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man

 

It will give you tremendous insight into exchanges and behaviors like this and perhaps why previous partners left him 1014;6762119] he response then was "you asked me if I wanted dessert you didnt offer me anything else and Im not going to ask you to get me something you didnt offer. If I were out I wouldve asked you of you wantes anything else" I was so baffled!

[Krankor]

OP, let me be overly sensitive for a moment; you aren't "literally" losing you're mind. If you "literally" lose your mind you are no longer alive.

 

OK, now that that's out of the way, yes, this does sound very exhausting. I was once with a woman very much like this. If I looked away for half a second while we were talking it was "What are you looking at?" Not in a nice way, either. She managed to take offense at random things that had nothing to do with her and she was a bottomless pit who I could never reassure or give her enough attention. And she could get pretty abusive at times.

 

My guess is that the reason he was angry after you had lunch with your friend (and he was angry, not hurt, make no mistake) is that you went out without him and with a friend. Controlling behavior often comes along with this kind of "over-sensitivity."

 

Nobody is all good or all bad, and I'm sure this man displays some good qualities. But the way he behaves is a deal-breaker, period. You deserve a guy who has his good quailities AND doesn't have you on eggshells. This isn't going to get better, believe me.

[Sienna1014]

Good grief! This guy is so manipulative, controlling and insecure, but YOU know this!

 

I'm curious as to why you posted if you think him to be so great! He is suffocating!

 

Well yes he is suffocating! And I say he is a good guy because he genuinely is offended by it. I ciuld be wrong but while exhausting I do not believe he is doing it to be manipulative.

[Sienna1014]

I will certainly look into this. Thank you.

[reinventmyself]

I've been through this recently and broke up with someone over it. Not as much sensitive but insecure. . same thing (imo)

During our break up I went to my therapist a few times to help me come to terms with some things and what he shared with me about insecure people and reassuring them is the wrong thing to do!

 

We are adults and as an adult we need to learn to self soothe.

You are not doing anything to him to cause him to be insecure, so reassuring him

only snowballs. He feels insecure and instead of learning or using any coping skills, he turns to you for comfort.

 

Hey ya, that's exhausting, not to mention unattractive.

He isn't going to learn to get a handle on it if you manage it for him.

 

After a 4 mo break, I reconciled with my guy. He struggles at times and gets quiet and works it through, but it's so much better.

I have a hands off attitude with it now and it seems to work. He understands it's his stuff to work on and I understand I didn't do it and I can't fix it.

[Sienna1014]

Thank you so much. I am getting a lot of insight here from everyone. I have spoke to him about it and I have tried the "let me just walk away and let it sort itself out" but then that doesnt work because it becomes "see you do not care you just walk away this doesnt matter to you"

Anyway I have lots to think about. Lots!

I really appreciate everyones advice. I know it seems like he is being manipulative but that is not the case. He is actually very giving, caring, thoughtful and genuinely wants to build a great life together the kids the white fence the dog all that jazz! But it still sadly remains there is a lot to work on and think about. During these fits and fights it is so easy for me to say " I cannot do this!!!" and feel that rage and do want to leave...but then as the dust settles leaving is hard. Part of me wonders is it hard because with a break up becomes the dividing of things, where do you move?, the weirdness, the thinking about how sad he must feel because I know aside from his kids (which they should always come first) I am his world; or is it hard to leave because I really love him and cannot live without him?

[JaggerJim]

Unfortunately you are contributing to his "sensitive" attitude and demeanor. You always back down when he gets whiny and accusatory.

 

He knows how to work you, but you do not know how to work yourself.

[reinventmyself]

I know it seems like he is being manipulative but that is not the case. He is actually very giving, caring, thoughtful and genuinely wants to build a great life together the kids the white fence the dog all that jazz! But it still sadly remains there is a lot to work on and think about. , the thinking about how sad he must feel because I know aside from his kids (which they should always come first) I am his world; or is it hard to leave because I really love him and cannot live without him?

 

To start with . .people who kill you with kindness do so to be manipulative. I am not saying that's what he's doing but it could be a way to make you feel indebted to him. What struck me is when you state you are concerned that 'he'll be sad because you are his world'

 

Being 'someone's world is not healthy' and makes for a very dependent, insecure person.

And yes. . .you can live with out him.

 

When you are this far in that you can't live without each, despite how unhealthy or toxic things become is a sign to pull back and reassess.

You two sound very codependent on each other. The goal is to be with each other because you want to, not because you'll die without them.

 

It's not your job to feel bad for him. It's his job to get up and out and work on his self esteem and not rely on you to give it to him.

[nutbrownhare]

A lot of people are not consciously manipulative; it may be learned behaviour. A lot of people don't realise when they're being manipulated, and it doesn't sound as though you do. For example, doesn't this strike you as manipulative? have spoke to him about it and I have tried the "let me just walk away and let it sort itself out" but then that doesnt work because it becomes "see you do not care you just walk away this doesnt matter to you" ...because it most certainly is...!

 

Whenever we are not honest in what we say, and relate to someone else with the intention of changing them, causing a particular reaction, causing guilt or a feeling of indebtedness in them - that's manipulative. Him over-giving and doing everything for you, in the hope that it will make you need him and feel obligated - is manipulative. Free giving has no strings attached. The business about you not getting the food for him because he wouldn't ask for anything you hadn't offered, is designed to make you feel guilty. That's manipulative.

 

On some level, you DO recognise that something's very wrong, which is why you feel angry from time to time, and feel that you're losing your mind - even if you're finding it difficult to put a name to it. However, should you ever get to the point where you recognise the covert hostility for what it is - hostility - then the way forward will become clearer. Healthy relationships, where each gives to the other with no sense of obligation and there's no underhand controlling, do not cause you to feel as though you're losing your mind. Honest!

 

If you can start to communicate assertively, draw clear boundaries and stick by them - and avoid getting sucked into the mind-effery, your relationship will either improve or it will end.

 

There are many online resources about passive aggression, as well as the excellent book that Wiseman's recommended. Use them!

[Sienna1014]

To start with . .people who kill you with kindness do so to be manipulative. I am not saying that's what he's doing but it could be a way to make you feel indebted to him. What struck me is when you state you are concerned that 'he'll be sad because you are his world'

 

Being 'someone's world is not healthy' and makes for a very dependent, insecure person.

And yes. . .you can live with out him.

 

When you are this far in that you can't live without each, despite how unhealthy or toxic things become is a sign to pull back and reassess.

You two sound very codependent on each other. The goal is to be with each other because you want to, not because you'll die without them.

 

It's not your job to feel bad for him. It's his job to get up and out and work on his self esteem and not rely on you to give it to him.

 

I know I can live without him. I know that very well that is the point I was trying to make. I guess I didnt say it right. I would love to be in a love with someone that if we were not together I would be very heartbroken. I want to be so in love. When I said "die witout him" I meant or will I be totally heartbroken. I am questioning if Im staying because its harder to leave, because it requires me to hurt him and his kids, because we have built together only to be taking away and start again. We are both invested in a small business we are building together or because I will really miss him and feel that heartbroken feeling.

I would be upset yes but I know I can be 100% ok if we were not together. It would be hard for me to hurt him. That is what makes it the hardest thing. I do not want to hurt him or anyone else for that matter. When we are good we are good but he always does have a sensitivity to something.

I am the one always pushing for him to do go do something meet up with a friend but he has very very few as life has changed for him when he quit drinking years ago prior to meeting me.

At times I do feel like he is being overly nice to make up for an arguement he knew he was being ridiculous over..overly nice where it is so annoying I almost want to say "grow a pair of balls" I know that is a very insensitive thing to think. I will still stand by the fact that on general he is a very sweet loving guy.

[Sienna1014]

why would he provide for you? is this part of your reason for staying?

 

Not provide for me as if i do not take care if myself. Meaning that we planned on a life together one that we have children and I will be firtunate to stay home and raise the babies and do ny creative work on the side. It is not easy for anyone to walk away from a life they have been planning.

[nutbrownhare]

At times I do feel like he is being overly nice to make up for an arguement he knew he was being ridiculous over..overly nice where it is so annoying I almost want to say "grow a pair of balls" I know that is a very insensitive thing to think. I will still stand by the fact that on general he is a very sweet loving guy.

 

Feeling annoyed isn't insensitive; it's a natural and authentic response to feeling manipulated. And how dare you think that this overly nice, sweet loving guy is actually very controlling in an underhand way? Your intuition is telling you something very clearly, and part of your confusion is caused by you being critical of it, and not listening to it.

[mustlovedogs]

I'm a sensitive person so here's the other side...

 

My ex probably thought I was overly sensitive. In many ways, I was. But he also didn't speak my love language. Nor did he try to.

 

We were LD and if I said I missed him, he would said "cool". That hurt. When I said that, he would say something like "why would I miss you? I'm going to see you in 6 days".

 

I dont claim I wasn't overly sensitive. And perhaps your boyfriend is too. But perhaps, too, you don't speak his love language. Mine was words of affirmation. And when I didn't get that, it hurt.