The sex is bad & we can't fix it.

[mkatsoc]

I have been with my boyfriend for three years and we are an hour apart. We get two nights together over the weekends. We're incredibly in love and have a healthy, happy, exciting relationship. For months now we've been having some serious issues with getting it on. I've already went over all of the possibilities with him and for some reason we just can't figure it out. At first I assumed he just wasn't physically attracted to me anymore. I went on to thinking maybe it's all in my head, and then on to we've just been together for so long that we've fallen into a routine and can't get back to the basics. We've totally forgotten how to be in the moment. I've done the lingerie thing. I've done my best to switch it up. The same outcome. There is a complete disconnect. It's like having sex with a body. There's ZERO depth. No passion. Motion to motion.

 

THIS is where I'm feeling out of luck...communicating about it has done nothing but make it worse. We never get anywhere with the conversation.

The more we talk about it, the more stuck in our heads we are. It's all mental at this point. It's gotten so bad that both of our sex drives have almost completely dissipated. It had become a chore. It's not fun anymore. I don't feel sexy anymore. He's unable to perform. Every time I bring the subject up, it discourages him more.

 

I don't know if I should just drop it, and we should take a break from doing it all together? Then maybe when we finally do it, it will be authentic and natural.

 

Will it eventually sort itself out, or could we simply just no longer have that sexual chemistry?

 

It's confusing because our relationship is absolutely amazing. He does everything for me, he's respectful, he's affectionate, he is good to me. I don't want to lose what we have over this one thing. Unfortunately, it's a huge thing.

 

This is my longest relationship and his as well. We don't know what to do to make it better or if it's even normal at all.

 

 

Help me end this eight month long nightmare!

[leseine7]

I do think that sex has a lot of evolutions within a relationship. There are certain periods where I feel like it's the best ever with my boyfriend, and others where something feels "off" or going through the same old motions doesn't do it for me anymore, and in those moments, I will not lie, it is much better NOT to draw attention to what isn't working.

 

But, that being said, I never ever feel like my boyfriend doesn't desire me. It's more like sometimes we just aren't feeling it or we're going through some changes.

 

I can't tell from your post what the issue IS with sex between you two? You say it just feels like he isn't physically attracted to you - is he having trouble getting an erection? If he is suddenly having trouble with ED (erectile disfunction), it can point to a health problem he should look into, especially if that hasn't happened before. Is he taking any new medications - like antidepressants? These can also lower someone's sex drive. I think, if he says that he is still feeling into you and the main issue is that he physically can't get turned on as much, it's time to talk to a doctor.

 

But if that isn't the case and there's just some emotional disconnect, I think pointing it out is definitely going to make things worse. People don't like to have it pointed out when we are bad in bed, even if you're bringing it up because you feel insecure or unsexy. He may think he's just as engaged as ever and having you say he isn't is confusing and going to cause him to overthink- and that's never great for a sex life.

[pippy longstocking]

Yes I agree with the ED , he should get checked out .

 

So for now I would wipe penetrative sex of the agenda and verbalise this to him ...

 

then start from basics again ( and hopefully in the interim he will go to his GP ) by basics I mean simply suggest you be together , cuddling and kissing stroking each other , apart from *that area* and simply kiss and massage and be together . Even if he gets aroused , don't go there for now ... Don't let it become the elephant in the room ..by stopping with everything you will both find yourselves in this place of no one knowing when to re start , to try again , you may fall in the trap of both being gripped by fear .

[SherrySher]

I also think that he needs to make sure that this isn't a health problem. It's important that he get's checked as it could point to other health issues. But if all turns out to be okay, then yes, you should put the brakes on when it comes to sex for now and concentrate on creating a stronger emotional bond.

Spend time together without any sexual agendas, play together, laugh together, truly enjoy one another and let the sex come back naturally, no forcing, no pushing.

[RainyCoast]

has he ever told you anything about his sexual past? i mean like what the sex was like. i know it's a subject better not brought up, but i once dated a guy with this problem and he was so frustrated, i just blurted out have you ever had terribly negative experience during sex and he proceeded to tell me of a woman who made fun of him and belittled him and called his penis absurd names. he said although they stayed together after that, he could never bring himself to have sex with her again because the insults lingered in his mind. she had an eff buddy with his permission, and he had his hand. then they broke up, and i was the first after her. it was ridiculous because he certainly wasn't lacking, i couldn't wrap my mind around what the heck her problem was to say such things to him...i later learned from him the woman had a wide assortment of "peculiarities" about her that made her behave in ways i have no name for.

 

also: pot? porn addiction?

 

ditto to check his health. if you're certain it's psychological, you may as well suggest a counselor.

 

be a team. don't be giving off that vibe if you don't get your needs met he's a goner. it's both of yours' problem atm. suggest tackling it together.

[Matt3939]

Maybe it's just to routine? It's only been 8 months though. I've never been an underwear guy isn't the point to get everything off? So that might not be what gets him going either. I have a real mental block trying to remember sex. I don't know why this is wish it wasn't. Anyhow I remember the few times when things were swithed up. Maybe a different locale? It could be anything even something simple like a different room. If you guys are away from each other for the week. What used to work for me (unfortunately I'm single now) talk or text what you want to do to each other when you get together. Then you are looking fwd to something plus the mind can work. Goodluck

[Andrina]

From what you describe, your life seems very routine and stagnant. An hour apart is not that far. Do you ever meet halfway midweek for dinner or to do anything fun? Do you ever skip any weekends together to do things with your own friends? Do you have fulfilling lives besides being together, with hobbies or other interests and spending time with family and friends without each other? What else do you do together on the weekends? What are your common goals for the near or far future as far as marriage or no marriage, but lifetime partners. Do you two both want children or not? Do you match with financial stability and work ethics? Do you ever have discussions about the state of your union, such as, "Is there anything you want me to do to improve our relationship?"

 

Sounds like you need to shake up your stagnant routine and life. Let yourself miss each other a bit. Do things with a group of friends together. Invite another couple over for dinner and a game of poker or some other game. Start a new hobby together. Start a new hobby by yourself. As far as sex goes, read some articles on Cosmopolitan magazine online. They will show new positions you can try. Read up on role playing. Go to a couples store together and pick out new toys together and massage lotion (avon bath oil, skin so soft, mixed with any lotion works great). Challenge each other to try something new each time. Get your endorphins raised by zip lining or going to see a scary movie together or going on amusement park rides. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. What it the problem? ED, not enough sex? Yes stop belaboring it with incessant talks and humiliating him. He's not going to get and erection from nagging or your complaints that "you don't feel sexy", if he has ED

 

If you "don't feel sexy" get a checkup and talk about your health, libido,etc. with your doctor. If he has ed he need a checkup also.

 

You seem quite unclear as to what the real problem is. Things got too routine or he's got ED, which is it? Different problems have different solutions. Rather than nag, dress up, talk and talk, figure what the real issue is.

It's like having sex with a body....communicating about it has done nothing but make it worse. The more we talk about it, the more stuck in our heads we are. It's gotten so bad that both of our sex drives have almost completely dissipated.He's unable to perform. Every time I bring the subject up, it discourages him more.

[J Miracle]

I also dont understand the actual problem.. Is it erections? Are you dry? Are you self conscious? Please be more specific

[mkatsoc]

I do think that sex has a lot of evolutions within a relationship. There are certain periods where I feel like it's the best ever with my boyfriend, and others where something feels "off" or going through the same old motions doesn't do it for me anymore, and in those moments, I will not lie, it is much better NOT to draw attention to what isn't working.

 

But, that being said, I never ever feel like my boyfriend doesn't desire me. It's more like sometimes we just aren't feeling it or we're going through some changes.

 

I can't tell from your post what the issue IS with sex between you two? You say it just feels like he isn't physically attracted to you - is he having trouble getting an erection? If he is suddenly having trouble with ED (erectile disfunction), it can point to a health problem he should look into, especially if that hasn't happened before. Is he taking any new medications - like antidepressants? These can also lower someone's sex drive. I think, if he says that he is still feeling into you and the main issue is that he physically can't get turned on as much, it's time to talk to a doctor.

 

But if that isn't the case and there's just some emotional disconnect, I think pointing it out is definitely going to make things worse. People don't like to have it pointed out when we are bad in bed, even if you're bringing it up because you feel insecure or unsexy. He may think he's just as engaged as ever and having you say he isn't is confusing and going to cause him to overthink- and that's never great for a sex life.

 

I guess that's the point of my post. We DON'T know what the problem is. We have definitely decided that pointing it out makes it worse so we're trying to drop the subject and take a break from anything sexual until it seems right and feels natural.