Acted like a crazy person and need advice.

[ParisPaulette]

Deep breaths, you are not the first person who goes a bit dark side over unrequited/toxic/love that shouldn't be. Hey, I went back to the same guy six times in six years, that ain't exactly sane behavior. I will not go into the other things I did except to say yeah, I still wince sometimes about it. But the beauty of life is it is fully come-back kid stories and new beginnings and new chances. So right now, flip the script in your head from "I have screwed up so badly I can't fix this," to "I am glad that's over with, time to write a new beginning for myself." And say that every day as long as you need to really believe it, because yes it's a new day. You've woken up, you know you have a problem, that is always the first step to fixing it.

 

As to work, you have only work-related contact with him. Nothing else. You treat him like the addiction that yes he has become. Somewhere along the way something happened and you decided he is the only thing that can make you happy, which is why you clung and continue to cling so hard. And that's an attitude you need to shed NOW, with or without a therapist's help. Only one person is responsible for your life and your happiness - you. And it would be that way whether he chose to be with you or chose not to be. He should not be the sole cause and entire universe of your happiness. No one should be. That's not something other people are supposed to do for you, they are supposed to be one more bonus to an already full and happy life. Not life support.

 

So to any addiction or obsession it's really simple - cold turkey. You don't get over heroin by taking a pinch of it here and there, you don't beat alcoholism by only drinking when you really want to or feel you need to. And you don't get over a toxic relationship or any relationship by convincing yourself any contact is anything other than more of the same poison you have already been drinking.

 

Sure, yes go see a therapist. Find out what is at the bottom of your decision and frantic insistence that this guy must be with you for you to even function. That's not normal, it is toxic, there is indeed something underlying it. You are deeply unhappy somewhere else, and it's easier to stay focused on this guy and a quick fix than it is to address the larger issues underlying. But until you do that, you won't fully move on and you might end up back in the same soup with someone else all over again.

 

So it's time to realize this guy is also a giant smokescreen for some other pain, and you go full cold turkey and then you address what the deeper issues in life are. And yes, with a therapist if you need one. Meantime block and delete him on everything, do not approach him at work, if he tries to contact you tell him to leave you alone, that you never want to even see him again. And you remind yourself this is slow-drip poison, any contact with him. If you have to do a work-related thing keep it to work, but avoid him and do not talk to him.

 

You need to retrain your brain to not keep looking at him as a solution. In short, he shouldn't be who you called after an accident. Getting to the doctor, getting your insurance alerted, getting the people who really care about you for more than just sex, that's who you call. Remind yourself this guy is nothing to you and you are nothing to him and he was always upfront about that.

 

And stop beating yourself up. I'd reckon at least 75 percent of the population has at one time or another thought if only they hung around someone long enough that someone would return their feelings. Add sex to the mix and now you have a really especially lethal combo. It's why I think one-night stands are usually a really bad idea for lots of people who cannot separate sex from love and who think or want to think that is what makes a person love you. But it isn't. Sex can be an extension of love or it can be another body function to be satisfied like eating a pizza when you crave it. The two are not the same, and one doesn't grow out of the other at all.

 

Where you went wrong was in not standing up for yourself and compromising your own boundaries and mores simply in the hopes if you crawled hard enough this guy would fall for you. But that's not how it works. Doormats get walked on and all trying to bribe/buy someone's love gets you is used. And you know that and that's really where it all went off the rails. You need to learn to love and trust yourself enough that it doesn't matter what anyone else says or does, you trust yourself first and are willing to put up with any temporary pain of losing someone over the larger pain of being walked on by them and letting it happen.

 

That starts with therapy. That stars with NC. That starts with actively changing your behavior, so when you want to pick up the phone and talk to him find someone else to do that with instead. Go out for a run, go watch a funny movie, do something that is for you that makes you happy until you are comfortable in the idea that you can indeed make yourself happy without having to have someone else there to do it for you.

 

This is a learned behavior and just as you once taught yourself it was okay to sell away yourself to another to try and buy their love, so can you learn a new behavior wherein you learn healthy boundaries, normal social interactions, and you don't use guys as your personal drug of choice to push away whatever else is wrong.

 

If need be even quit your job, find another one, line it up, then go. Anything to create yourself again. But no more contact from him, no not even to apologize. He knows very dang well what his part in all of this was. So saying sorry or trying to talk things out with him will not get you any less stuck or fix your obsession, it'll make it worse. You go no contact, you know why you need to do it, so does he. There is nothing left to say, because he never wanted what you want and the larger issue is you shouldn't have compromised yourself. Who you really owe an apology and the effort to fix things with is yourself, not him. So start.

[Jhg46]

ParisPaulette thank you so much for your great advice. I just keep going over the events of what happened in my head and thinking that if I text him and say sorry it will fix something. I know this is a waste of time and it will just set me back. This really is an addiction. I feel like I'm in withdrawal right now. Everyday that I don't text him it gets easier, but it's just really hard sometimes.

[Jhg46]

I keep thinking in my head that if I text him and say sorry and explain myself, he will think I'm less crazy. I hate that I made such a bad name for myself with someone that I work with. How do I get out of this mindset?

[notmyprez]

I think it's called an "oxytocin" withdrawal. Don't feel too crazy, there is a physical reason that you acted that way -- you were in withdrawals and trying to keep him close. Totally normal response, yours was just bigger than you expected because you thought you could do FWB. Hmm..

 

According to the book I read, when you are around someone who you are attracted to (hear the voice, feel the touch, etc.), then you get a hit of the bonding hormone that keeps moms from killing their crying babies! it's true, it's called the bonding hormone. It is very addictive.

 

It is what Life with a Big Capital L uses to keep tribes together and families together so they will raise their children until they are old enough to reproduce. So you can imagine how powerful THAT drug is!!! Unfortunately, women tend to have more of it in their blood streams than men (sorry, I know that is a generalization, please forgive me - but that is what I read). So, there you go. Be careful who you let into your life, because you seem to have a very healthy oxytocin system. And you will probably be a great Mom!!! AT least that's the bright side of it. Ha ha.

 

The only cure that I know of is to break all contact for 8 weeks. By week 4 you will actually start feeling a lot better. I don't like the whole No contact rule re: exs, but in your case, it will be something that makes you feel physically and mentally better. It is for your sake, not for his or for any kind of mind game.

 

good luck.

[boltnrun]

Don't contact him again apologizing for contacting him! That makes no sense at all.

 

You know, an ex of mine was repeatedly messaging me and I wasn't responding. He just kept messaging and messaging. Finally he sent me a message that said he wanted me to respond even if it was a "leave me alone!" reply. And I shook my head and thought "WHY doesn't he just stop???"

 

There's nothing to "fix". Just act professional at work and leave it at that.

[notmyprez]

And everytime you think about texting him, and all the reasons that you need to text him (except for picking up your stuff), then just say "I can wait until tomorrow, right? The world won't end." Then come back and post and let us all know if you still felt like it the next day. HA!

[Sam179]

I "dated" a guy for year but we were never official. We were basically just friends with benefits because he didn't want anything more. I am not the type of person who is usually okay with casual hookups, but I convinced myself that it if I did this he would eventually want to be with me.

 

This went on for a year and I feel like it turned me into a completely depressed crazy person. I would do anything to talk to him, see him, get his attention. I would make up things to talk to him about just to be able to have things to text him. We would hangout a few times a week, hook up, and text daily. I could not understand why he didn't like me and I feel like I completely put my life on hold for the last year because I was obsessed with trying to get him to be with me.

 

It was almost an addiction. This all ended last week when I found out that he was talking to someone else. I completely lost it and feel like I had no control over myself. I lied and told him that I was sick and in the hospital just to see if I he would care about me. I realize that this is completely INSANE. I feel like I just went completely psycho. He caught me in the lie.

 

I don't know what is wrong with me, why I acted like this, or how to fix it. I'm 23, I have a great career, great friends/family. I don't know why I did this. Does anyone have any advice for me? Should I seek professional help?

 

 

 

Hey there is nothing wrong with you. Don't worry, this guy played you massively and it's mad you a bit out of control to get his attention. I am sure you didn't mean it. Don't feel guilty about it, just learn from this and don't do it again. Sometimes we all make mistakes to get the attention of the one we love. Chin up

[Jhg46]

I didn't mean I wanted to apologize for contacting him. I just want to text him and apologize for my ridiculous behavior and the crazy lie I told him. But I know that makes me look even more crazy. This is so hard!!! Any more tips on how to fight these urges?

[Sam179]

I didn't mean I wanted to apologize for contacting him. I just want to text him and apologize for my ridiculous behavior and the crazy lie I told him. But I know that makes me look even more crazy. This is so hard!!! Any more tips on how to fight these urges?

 

I have done the same, apologised for my behaviour etc. It does make you look crazy and trust me when you look back at it you regret it so much. This guy will not change his opinion, he sounds like the one I was with. He will just continue to allow yourself look more and more stupid. The last time I made myself look stupid was November, it has only been 4 months since my last hiccup but I can tell you I make myself stupid again. I hold my Respect high now. I'm building myself up again.

Please don't do it I am telling you, your going to regret it.

[Wiseman2]

Walk away with dignity. You already apologized . Chasing him around to prove you're not crazy will ironically, make you look more crazy.

 

See a therapist about obsessive love, compulsive lying, etc. That would be better than any further interaction with this coworker other than acting professional.

I just want to text him and apologize for my ridiculous behavior and the crazy lie I told him. But I know that makes me look even more crazy.

[boltnrun]

I didn't mean I wanted to apologize for contacting him. I just want to text him and apologize for my ridiculous behavior and the crazy lie I told him. But I know that makes me look even more crazy. This is so hard!!! Any more tips on how to fight these urges?

 

Delete his number from your phone. Delete any social media connections to him.

 

Then, at work, act professional.

 

And remember, YOU have control over your behavior. So, don't text!

[JaggerJim]

I didn't mean I wanted to apologize for contacting him. I just want to text him and apologize for my ridiculous behavior and the crazy lie I told him. But I know that makes me look even more crazy. This is so hard!!! Any more tips on how to fight these urges?

 

Just stop. #-o

[Jhg46]

I saw him at work yesterday. We walked by each other and looked at each other as if we don't even know each other. This made me really sad 😓

[JaggerJim]

Just keep soldier on, act like his existence is fine. Act like nothing's wrong. It's hard, I know.

 

But don't text!

[Jhg46]

So I went on a date last night. The guy was very nice and it was a good date, but I just found myself thinking about my "ex" even more and feeling sad after going on the date. Is this normal? Do you think it's too soon to jump into going out on dates?

[Jhg46]

I'm feeling really depressed today. I feel like I miss him so much. We haven't talked in over 2 weeks and I don't intend on contacting him, but I want to. I don't understand why I feel like this. I feel like I'm in withdrawal. How can I miss/like someone who does not like me at all? I just want to stop feeling like this. Any advice?

[Betterwithout]

I'm feeling really depressed today. I feel like I miss him so much. We haven't talked in over 2 weeks and I don't intend on contacting him, but I want to. I don't understand why I feel like this. I feel like I'm in withdrawal. How can I miss/like someone who does not like me at all? I just want to stop feeling like this. Any advice?

 

Common feelings during NC. During withdrawal Ex-smokers handle quitting smoking need to find something to do with their hands. Usually eating. Try to find something that stimulates your mind. What are three things you love to do? Start them today and enjoy looking after your needs until this feeling passes.

[Betterwithout]

So I went on a date last night. The guy was very nice and it was a good date, but I just found myself thinking about my "ex" even more and feeling sad after going on the date. Is this normal? Do you think it's too soon to jump into going out on dates?

 

Yes and Yes

[Wiseman2]

Dating is fine, but only date if you can focus on the person in front of you.

The guy was very nice and it was a good date, but I just found myself thinking about my "ex" even more and feeling sad after going on the date. Is this normal?

[boltnrun]

People on diets crave pizza and hot fudge sundaes.

 

Totally normal.

 

BUT, if you really want to help yourself you won't give in.

[Jy1986usa]

I know this is an older thread but I'm going through the same thing. My ex broke up with me three months ago and I've finally accepted the breakup. But I acted so stupid and desperate and a little crazy post break up I've pushed her so far away she literally despises me and wants nothing to do with me. And that kills me.

[Heart of gold]

I know this is an older thread but I'm going through the same thing. My ex broke up with me three months ago and I've finally accepted the breakup. But I acted so stupid and desperate and a little crazy post break up I've pushed her so far away she literally despises me and wants nothing to do with me. And that kills me.

Hi, sorry you feel like this. Let me tell you, nothing can "push" someone away if they love you. It's an excuse we make for them when they don't come back. You've accepted the breakup that's a huge step now put yourself first. Easier said than done as I'm lying here thinking about how I used to text my ex on a Sunday morning to make plans for a Sunday afternoon but at the end of the day, if they are getting on with their lives, why are we thinking about them?

YOU haven't done anything. She is an adult and she is making her own choices.