Boyfriend "isn't feeling as connected" and "not sure if its just work stress"

[Pretzel]

I agree with all the advice but I don't have an opinion on which way this relationship is leaning towards more, because it IS just very ambiguous, as you said, you won't know more until you wait. The temporary glitch can potentially be patched up (if you listen and tune in) or it could just go south if you turn out to be incompatible. My bf hardly ever replies to any message from me while he is at work and i respect that. He also gets overloaded with work sometimes and while it was frustrating for me at first, i've become a lot more patient with it. The last thing he needs after a stressful day at work is a passive aggressive gf, right? You have to remember why you are in this relationship in the first place. It isn't to get one ups - it is to have a nice time together and make each other happy - your life should be easier with this guy in it, not harder, and vice versa. Don't get caught up over 'who dumps who' and who has the power. I would just call him at the end of the week like you said you would and take it from there.

 

The reason he acted that way to your break up threat? He could just be selfish and want to have his cake and eat it. I.e. he likes you but shuts down at the idea of a girlfriend coming with 'responsibilities'. That's not what he wants right now (or so it seems).

[gebaird]

I agree that he is feeling smothered - and I had been going kind of overboard with the texting.

 

I pretty much agree with the whole using work as an excuse deal. Here's the only place I get hung up - when I let him off the hook and said it was over - his response "So that's it? Just like that you're out?" - Which indicated to me that he didn't want me to bail/end it.

 

Whats up with that?

 

I think one important lesson here is learning how to respond appropriately when your partner expresses discontent. He said he was feeling disconnected, not that he was done. In your mind, though, you jumped straight to the worst possible conclusion - which I think surprised him, thus the "That's it? You're out?" response.

 

Next time, just say, "Please help me understand what you're going through and how I can be a better partner."

 

By the way, ANY kind of serious, relationship-affecting conversation like this should be done face-to-face, not over text or even phone. If he says something in text that causes you concern about where you stand, or what he's thinking, wait to talk to him until the next time you see him -- even if you are dying inside.

[katrina1980]

I think one important lesson here is learning how to respond appropriately when your partner expresses discontent. He said he was feeling disconnected, not that he was done. In your mind, though, you jumped straight to the worst possible conclusion - which I think surprised him, thus the "That's it? You're out?" response.

 

Next time, just say, "Please help me understand what you're going through and how I can be a better partner."

 

By the way, ANY kind of serious, relationship-affecting conversation like this should be done face-to-face, not over text or even phone. If he says something in text that causes you concern about where you stand, or what he's thinking, wait to talk to him until the next time you see him -- even if you are dying inside.

 

I agree with gebaird, and also remember it is NOT uncommon for people (men mostly but that's changing) to feel "ambivalent" around he 3-4 month mark. That timeframe typically is when the relationship shifts from being something that was somewhat casual to something more serious.

 

To me, it is perfectly normal and natural that he needs some time to process his feelings, it does NOT mean he wants to end the entire RL!

 

Many women don't understand this, and take his needing some time to process as a rejection and do the whole "I'm gonna end it before he does thing." This rarely, if ever, turns out well.

 

My second boyfriend felt this way after three months, and just like your bf, he told me and I gave him space and a couple of weeks later he returned telling me he was in love with me and we were together for four years after that.

 

I hope catfeeder doesn't mind my using her signature quote because it applies here too.

 

"Try backing off. It seems to be a well kept secret how many wonders occur and problems straighten out when we do nothing but leave someone alone."

Has always worked for me anyway. I am like the queen of "space" and knowing when to leave a man alone. I don't take it personally.

[Fun Boater 1]

Some good advice on here already. I would just call him towards end of the week like you already have said you would, set up plans for the weekend, see him, and see how it goes. After reading through this thread I am of the opinion that you may very well be overblowing this whole thing and reading too much into it. Don't lose sight of the fact that he is working 80 hours a week and under a huge burden of work related stress. Have you ever been in that position with that much workload, and the stress that comes with it? Until you have, don't underestimate the effects that has on a person. Above all, don't put any additional pressure on him. That's the last thing he needs. If you are still talking, laughing, sleeping together...etc...as you mention, then what exactly is the problem here? Just get together with him this weekend and keep things light, upbeat, ...positive, and you'll be able to perceive the vibe you are getting from him.

[spinderella]

I used to have a very stressful job where I worked 70+ hours per week at times. My then partner was an additional source of stress, because he was demanding attention in all sorts of passive-aggressive ways which I just didn't have the space to give"

 

I have totally been doing this. Calling him out on being distant and unaffectionate. He told me point blank one night that he was too tired from work to have any attention to give.

 

"but there's absolutely nothing in your post to suggest that he's losing his feelings for you, or that he wants to end the relationship."

 

Mostly its the part where he says its "unfair to be with me when he is unsure"

 

The choice is yours, but there are choices...

 

Yes I realize that regardless of what he decides I need to decide if this is worth it to me or not as well.

[spinderella]

Depends what you mean by "space"... if it means temporarily not making demands that the other person can't meet, and doing your own thing but keeping in warm, friendly contact, then absolutely it will lead to reconnecting.

 

If it means a cold, passive-aggressive sulk where you're ferociously non-contacting the other person, it probably won't.

 

Yeah I'm not sure which we're doing tbh

[spinderella]

Why don't you just do that. Take the guesswork and angst out of it. Stop all the texting and stop the preemptive breakup threats. Say what you mean and mean what you say. At 4 mos of dating you don't need "relationship talks".

 

I guess its probably ego. Like I'm going to feel as though I'm convincing him to be in this when he's reluctant.

 

But if I expect him to come racing to me with calls saying "wow I've missed you and really wanna get together and yada yada" - its probably not going to happen like that.

[JaggerJim]

I didn't take it that he wants to break-up. He's super busy, stressed and needs to figure things out.

 

Calm down. Don't just burt out "Your done with me" just calm down and figure this out together.

[spinderella]

Don't get caught up over 'who dumps who' and who has the power. I would just call him at the end of the week like you said you would and take it from there.

 

Thank you for the input - I'm beginning to lean toward this - calling when I said I would is the mature thing to do. Going silent on him is passive aggressive girlishness.

[katrina1980]

Depends what you mean by "space"... if it means temporarily not making demands that the other person can't meet, and doing your own thing but keeping in warm, friendly contact, then absolutely it will lead to reconnecting.

 

If it means a cold, passive-aggressive sulk where you're ferociously non-contacting the other person, it probably won't.

Yeah I'm not sure which we're doing tbh

 

I don't get what you mean by this (bolded).

 

Why can't you do no contact (while he processes his feelings) WITHOUT it having to be this "ferocious, passive-aggressive sulk"?

 

Just leave him alone and let him figure this out.

 

Not to sound condescending but you know what "ambivalent" means right?

 

It means exactly what HE said he is feeling -- "unsure."

 

Nothing wrong with that, like I said, ambivalence is a fairly common stage some (not all) people (okay men mostly go through while on the road to developing an exclusive, mutually-rewarding, committed RL.

 

It would behoove you to try and understand this, rather than taking it personally, and either sulking or ending it.

[spinderella]

He said he was feeling disconnected, not that he was done. In your mind, though, you jumped straight to the worst possible conclusion - which I think surprised him, thus the "That's it? You're out?" response.

 

Yes I agree - I got insulted and pissed. Then as I prodded for more detail and an absolute decision he moved closer to the "unsure" and "don't know what to do" stuff. I OFTEN jump to the worst conclusion (in all areas of life)

 

"wait to talk to him until the next time you see him -- even if you are dying inside.

 

Ugh - I rly wish I would have done this

[spinderella]

To me, it is perfectly normal and natural that he needs some time to process his feelings, it does NOT mean he wants to end the entire RL! Many women don't understand this, and take his needing some time to process as a rejection and do the whole "I'm gonna end it before he does thing." This rarely, if ever, turns out well.

 

That's exactly what I am struggling with. I think in super absolute terms and deal poorly with ambiguity. Its really helpful to read this because I need to remind myself that not everybody thinks the same as I do.

 

 

"Try backing off. It seems to be a well kept secret how many wonders occur and problems straighten out when we do nothing but leave someone alone."

Has always worked for me anyway. I am like the queen of "space" and knowing when to leave a man alone. I don't take it personally.

 

I have backed off so far this week...

[nutbrownhare]

Going silent on him is passive aggressive girlishness.

 

And, more importantly, is likely to lead to an outcome you really don't want...

[katrina1980]

I have backed off so far this week...

 

Awesome. Continue backing off and doing your OWN thing, and WAIT for him to contact you.

 

Like I said, with my second bf, it took him approx. two or maybe three (can't remember) to fully process his feelings and I did not contact him ONCE during this time.

 

I just let him figure it out and if he came back knowing for sure what he wanted (and it was ME), great, if not, then I deal with it then.

 

I dunno it was weird though, cause I always had faith and trust in our connection, so remained positive, which I think helped tremendously.

 

When he finally contacted me, I was happy to hear from him!

 

Anyway, let him think about you, wonder about you and MISS YOU!

 

Even in my LTRs, I did this.... it always kept our feelings (and passion) alive because it allowed us (both of us) to miss each other sometimes, which keeps the RL fresh and exciting.

 

NOT that RLs need to be exciting all the time, cause they're not, but allowing for a bit of space sometimes certainly helps it from heading into dullsville.

[spinderella]

After reading through this thread I am of the opinion that you may very well be overblowing this whole thing and reading too much into it.

 

-Thanks for that input. I do a lot of reading into things... its why I'm posting here - I have zero grasp of the Mars/Venus deal.

 

Have you ever been in that position with that much workload, and the stress that comes with it?

 

I have - but he operates at a totally different pace than me. I'm agile and sometimes hasty - he's contemplative and methodical.

 

Until you have, don't underestimate the effects that has on a person. Above all, don't put any additional pressure on him. That's the last thing he needs. If you are still talking, laughing, sleeping together...etc...as you mention, then what exactly is the problem here? QUOTE]

 

Just the comments about being "less connected" and "unsure" etc. - like to me I read that as "IM OUT" and I think ok, I'll scram.

[spinderella]

I didn't take it that he wants to break-up. He's super busy, stressed and needs to figure things out.

 

Calm down. Don't just burt out "Your done with me" just calm down and figure this out together.

 

I wish I could take it back - I do feel like I stoked the fire on this.

[spinderella]

I don't get what you mean by this (bolded).

 

Why can't you do no contact (while he processes his feelings) WITHOUT it having to be this "ferocious, passive-aggressive sulk"?

 

That wasn't my comment, that was the OP. But yeah, I am sulking. Cause it hurt my feelings and I'm human is the only answer I can give you on that.

 

It would behoove you to try and understand this, rather than taking it personally, and either sulking or ending it.

 

Well OK - I mean, that's why I'm posting here and asking for opinions - because I am TRYING to understand it, k?

[katrina1980]

Well OK - I mean, that's why I'm posting here and asking for opinions - because I am TRYING to understand it, k?

 

I didn't mean that offensively spinderella, and apologies if you interpreted it that way it just sounded like you did not understand it and did take it personally and as a result you over-reacted, so was just suggesting you try and understand it (and his feelings), cause I think it would serve you (and your RL) better.

 

I dunno maybe it came out wrong, so again apologies if you took offense to it.

 

I'm trying to help you cause I've been through this many times, with different bfs at different times.

 

Anyway, good luck I hope it all works out the way you want it to.

[spinderella]

I didn't mean that offensively spinderella, and apologies if you interpreted it that way it just sounded like you did not understand it and did take it personally and as a result you over-reacted, so was just suggesting you try and understand it (and his feelings), cause I think it would serve you (and your RL) better.

 

Its OK - I am genuinely trying to learn to be less reactionary and not take everything so personally. It has been helpful to read a lot of these responses because a lot of people think I over-reacted... especially the guys. Maybe I even blew it by having that response. Won't know until I know.

[roadrunner12]

I guess its probably ego. Like I'm going to feel as though I'm convincing him to be in this when he's reluctant.

 

But if I expect him to come racing to me with calls saying "wow I've missed you and really wanna get together and yada yada" - its probably not going to happen like that.

 

"So I say ok adios - I mean you're not feeling connected, which means you aren't feeling me..so guess its time to call this done. "

 

"I've already decided that I'm not going to call. Even though I'm the one who said I would late in the week. If he wants me he can call. Maybe its a petty test maneuver idk."

 

 

Like others have said, there is nothing in your post that says he wanted to break up with you. However I have no doubt after threatening to call it over, that he has definitely now begun a process of mentally preparing for a breakup. Some scenarios have been presented to you and the choice is yours.

 

If he gets no phone call from you would only confirm to him that it is over. That would be my thought process, I'm sure his are similar. If you wish to continue the relationship, I'm not sure how playing games will help.

 

I don't know how its coming to a game of who dumped who when you already dumped him and now expect him to come chasing you if he wants you.

[spinderella]

Like others have said, there is nothing in your post that says he wanted to break up with you. However I have no doubt after threatening to call it over, that he has definitely now begun a process of mentally preparing for a breakup.

 

Yeah. Maybe I blew it.

 

If he gets no phone call from you would only confirm to him that it is over. That would be my thought process, I'm sure his are similar. If you wish to continue the relationship, I'm not sure how playing games will help.

 

I'm very glad that I've posted here today and thankful for all the feedback. I was SO certain that not calling him was the way to go, and now I know its not. I will be calling him tomorrow because I said I would and that's what I'd expect out of him. If he's concluded in the last few days that he wants to breakup, I can't run from it by not talking to him.

 

QUOTE]

[katrina1980]

I didn't think she ended it. She tried but he essentially didn't let her, which I think shows he didn't (doesn't) want to end it.

 

In her initial post, she said this:

 

 

We talk about slowing things down. Tapping the breaks on texting all day and calling all the time and giving each other space - him to handle some of his work stuff without girlfriend pressure and to "get some perspective and think things over" and me to "take some time for myself since all of his distance and ambiguity has been a distraction for me"

 

That's where we left it. I'm supposed to call later in the week.

 

spinderella, did you definitively tell him you would call him later in the week? If so, then (if it were me), I would call (leave a voice mail) telling him I've been thinking about him and hope he's well.

 

Normally I would NOT suggest you call at all, and continue letting him "process" and when he's ready, he will call you, but since you specifically said you'd call then keep your word and call... but not to ask if he's figured it out yet or anything like that.

 

Let HIM be the one to call you after he figures this out.

 

While I think it's good to remain positive, I think you should also be prepared (emotionally) for the possibility he may NOT wish to move forward.

 

Please keep us posted!

[nutbrownhare]

spinderella, did you definitively tell him you would call him later in the week? If so, then (if it were me), I would call (leave a voice mail) telling him I've been thinking about him and hope he's well.

 

This ^^^. If you've said you'll call, then call. Otherwise it's playing games.

 

Keep it light and friendly, though. Don't bring up the subject of whether you break up/take space/anything else relationship orientated unless he does so first.

[spinderella]

Yes I said I would call so I will. He'll bring up the whole situation for sure. He never ignores the elephant in the room. I've seen it with other non-us stuff.

[spinderella]

Yes I said I would call so I will. He'll bring up the whole situation for sure. He never ignores the elephant in the room. I've seen it with other non-us stuff.[/quote

 

Super nervous he's gonna dump me tonight!