Boyfriend "isn't feeling as connected" and "not sure if its just work stress"

[spinderella]

Have you heard from him?

 

Not a peep - Its frustrating me so much. He's a grown man, this feels so childish.

[katrina1980]

Not a peep - Its frustrating me so much. He's a grown man, this feels so childish.

 

I am sure this is the last thing you want to hear, but if it were me (and it was me with my first boyfriend - see my previous post), I would consider it OVER.

 

It could be WEEKS before he "figures it out" or longer even.

 

Remember, my first bf did same thing. I left him alone (because I considered our RL over) and three weeks later (it may have been four), he returned announcing he was in love with me.

 

I didn't even go back with him right away (due to my being a bit skeptical and cautious), but eventually I did and we were together four years after that.

 

OR, worse case scenario, he may realize you are not the one for him and may just completely ghost you, as horrible as that sounds after dating for four months (which isn't really all that long in the grand scheme, but long enough).

 

But he may not know what to say, or how to end properly, so just ghosts.

 

I know it's hard but try to NOT have any expectations at this point.

 

Use this time to evaluate whether HE is right for YOU instead of dwelling on whether HE feels YOU are right for HIM.

 

I think if you mentally consider it over, you will be far less inclined to be obsessing about it, wondering when or if he will call, etc.

 

Just my opinion though since this is how I am.

 

Once I get it in my head it's OVER (and I don't need his words to 'get it' - to me his actions (or lack thereof) speak much louder), I can move on relatively quickly depending on how long we were together.

[katrina1980]

Yeah I'm working on the patience. We had made plans for a trip next weekend and already made reservations and took the time off at our jobs. Somethings going to have to be said about going (or not going)... I haven't even given thought to how to handle that yet.

 

In keeping with the spirit of my last post, no nothing needs to be said.

 

Given all that's happened, YOU decide the trip is off and cancel the reservations.

 

Do that asap so you won't get charged a cancellation fee.

 

No need to even call and tell him.

 

On the off chance he contacts you asking, simply let him know the trip is off and you cancelled the reservations.

 

You need to be stronger here spinderella. YOU and you alone are allowing him to spin your head all over the place. That's on YOU.

 

Take charge of your life and stop allowing it.

 

It's over, period end of. YOU have decided, enough of his wishy washyness.

 

Whether it's intentional or not (and frankly I don't think it is I just think he's either a commitment phobe or just screwed up in the head), this "relationship" is NOT working for you anymore.

 

This should be your attitude.

 

Time to make a decision and walk away.

 

Re "closure," his silence IS your closure.

 

It speaks louder than any words he could ever say do ..... imho anyway.

 

As I said in previous post, IF or when he ever contacts you, you can hear him out and deal with it then.

 

In the meantime, consider it over and try and move on.

[spinderella]

In keeping with the spirit of my last post, no nothing needs to be said.

 

Given all that's happened, YOU decide the trip is off and cancel the reservations.

 

Do that asap so you won't get charged a cancellation fee.

 

No need to even call and tell him.

 

On the off chance he contacts you asking, simply let him know the trip is off and you cancelled the reservations.

 

You need to be stronger here spinderella. YOU and you alone are allowing him to spin your head all over the place.

 

Take charge of your life and stop allowing it.

 

It's over, period end of. YOU have decided, enough of his wishy washyness.

 

Whether it's intentional or not (and frankly I don't think it is I just think he's either a commitment phobe or just screwed up in the head), this "relationship" is NOT working for you anymore.

 

Time to make a decision and walk away.

 

Re "closure," his silence IS your closure.

 

It speaks louder than any words he could even say do ..... imho anyway.

 

As I said in previous post, IF or when he ever contacts you, you can hear him out and deal with it then.

 

In the meantime, consider it over and try and move on.

 

Just FYI - While a portion of the trip was pre-paid and could not be cancelled, I had already cancelled the other portion of it earlier in the week when this first started going down. I also returned the expensive birthday gift I was planning to give him because it just seemed like a good way to start to separate myself from things.

 

Anyway - he literally just texted finally. Here it is:

 

"Hi! Hope you had a good weekend. I feel like my weekend of recharging was a success. Feeling much less stressed. Got a massage, which wasn't the best but helped"

 

"How are you?"

 

I have to very carefully consider what to do next. As you say, this does have to be about what I want - further than just wanting him to want me.

[Wiseman2]

Kinda bland and friendzony, no? No mention of seeing each other? Hmm.. Volley back "im doing fine my weekend was {fabulous, whatever}. See how he responds.

he literally just texted finally. Here it is:

"Hi! Hope you had a good weekend. I feel like my weekend of recharging was a success. Feeling much less stressed. Got a massage, which wasn't the best but helped" "How are you?"

[katrina1980]

 

I have to very carefully consider what to do next. As you say, this does have to be about what I want - further than just wanting him to want me.

 

Absolutely! I know what I would do, but you have to do what's right for YOU.

 

P.S. I am happy he contacted you though.

[spinderella]

Kinda bland and friendzony, no? No mention of seeing each other? Hmm.. Volley back "im doing fine my weekend was {fabulous, whatever}. See how he responds.

 

I wouldn't say so - it's pretty in keeping with his normal tone/personality. I'm going to wait a few hours and send back something similar to what you suggest.

[spinderella]

Absolutely! I know what I would do, but you have to do what's right for YOU.

 

P.S. I am happy he contacted you though.

 

Me too. I am just not a person who deals with equivocation well AT ALL. Whatever I decide to do it will be at a slow and rational pace.

[katrina1980]

Me too. I am just not a person who deals with equivocation well AT ALL. Whatever I decide to do it will be at a slow and rational pace.

 

Please keep us posted!

 

I for one would like to see how this all unfolds.... I don't have all the answers and am still learning too!

[Person1001]

Not a peep - Its frustrating me so much. He's a grown man, this feels so childish.

 

I can absolutely understand, in our cases I think our (exes) checked out quite a long time ago and we are just getting the memo. This is why its so easy for them to completely go nc cause they slowly lost those feelings towards us. Very frustrating and hurtful when a person you really care about does that to you.

[Ms Darcy]

Not a peep - Its frustrating me so much. He's a grown man, this feels so childish.

 

This is what I suspected, but I didn't want to ruin your weekend. Didn't really sound like the relationship was still going somewhere.

[spinderella]

We'll see. Couple casual texts so far. I can handle that. It's radio silence that drives me nuts... so I'm going to, you know, NOT go nuts.

[spinderella]

Well guys... I am putting a ban on myself for the day. I tossed and turned abit this morning and realized I am so overloaded with input after seeking answers so hard! Today I'm not reading any advice columns or blogs lol. I will take the day to focus on work and other spinerella stuff updates will commence tomorrow!

[1a1a]

*flails* OMGlob I'm in such a similar boat!!!! Except my overloaded guy is a ex from a year ago with whom something has been rekindled. The advice in this thread is excellent. I also wonder if you have an anxious attachment style. I do and a lot of what you wrote resonates with me. Your mileage may vary but what I gleaned from reading about us is that setting arbitrary rules for one's self, like holding out for the other person to initiate contact, is going to mostly hurt yourself.

 

I've been using my words a lot more with my paramour since the weekend of him burning out. I would like it if we spent more time together, I would like it if you sent me random messages when you think of me. That sort of thing. We've still got to sit down and have that awkward chat where each asks the other what their ideal relationship looks like.

[spinderella]

Update:

 

Got a "Happy Valentines Day" text this morning. In the evening a couple of "feel bad for not taking you out for Valentine's" and "Can I see you later this week" texts. None of which have the tone of someone intending to break up.

 

I didn't say yes right away but I'll go out with him later this week and see what happens. I wont sleep with him and I for damn sure wont bring all of this up. Either would stoke the fire, when all that has proven successful so far is calm, calm, calm. While I have vented on here I've held myself together IRL. I don't know what will happen but I feel good about that.

[spinderella]

The advice in this thread is excellent. I also wonder if you have an anxious attachment style. I do and a lot of what you wrote resonates with me. Your mileage may vary but what I gleaned from reading about us is that setting arbitrary rules for one's self, like holding out for the other person to initiate contact, is going to mostly hurt yourself.

 

The advice in this thread has been INVALUABLE! Everybody has had so much to offer and I know I've gained a lot of perspective.

 

I think "anxious attachment" sounds like me. I have a lot of anxiety in general, and my motor is always running hot. Totally agree on the arbitrary rulesets. Other chart toppers include "not overreacting", "respecting others space" and "not trying to mindread" - the hits keep coming.

 

Hopefully the guy I'm seeing is hosting a similarly helpful thread on some message board learning some stuff himself.

[1a1a]

Oh gosh, yay for him reaching out and even more yay for you leaving him space too!!!!

 

I hope it goes well. Don't tie yourself in knots too much!!

 

(I have scheduled relationship talk tomorrow, very nervous making. I think there is mutual attraction going on but we might find we just aren't compatible. Can only try)

[spinderella]

(I have scheduled relationship talk tomorrow, very nervous making. I think there is mutual attraction going on but we might find we just aren't compatible. Can only try)

 

Good luck! I wouldn't know where to begin to describe the "ideal relationship" looks like!"

[spinderella]

Ok guys, I need your help and wisdom here.

 

We're meeting tomorrow night for dinner. I have thought deeply about what I want.

 

What I want is to continue the relationship. Before all of this came to a head it was mutually rewarding and I think worth pursuing.

 

BUT, I wont stay involved with someone who isn't certain they want to stay involved with me. Its one thing to take time to evaluate the pace and type of relationship you want (and then communicate that), but another to endlessly question if you even want one.

 

I can't see any good coming from me presenting this ultimatum. I think he'll have to express it himself.

 

THOUGHTS? What would you do? How would you handle the conversation?

[katrina1980]

Ok guys, I need your help and wisdom here.

 

We're meeting tomorrow night for dinner. I have thought deeply about what I want.

 

What I want is to continue the relationship. Before all of this came to a head it was mutually rewarding and I think worth pursuing.

 

BUT, I wont stay involved with someone who isn't certain they want to stay involved with me.

 

Its one thing to take time to evaluate the pace and type of relationship you want (and then communicate that),

 

but another to endlessly question if you even want one.

 

I can't see any good coming from me presenting this ultimatum. I think he'll have to express it himself.

 

THOUGHTS? What would you do? How would you handle the conversation?

 

Bolded - is that what he is doing though? "Endlessly" questioning whether or not he wants a RL?

 

That's not what I got from reading your posts.

 

I got that after four months, he is a bit unsure and needed some space and time alone to figure it out, while simultaneously dealing with some other major stresses in his life.

 

Which imo is OKAY. Everyone experiences times when they feel unsure, especially in the beginning stages (first six months).

 

Difference is, most people don't voice that ambivalence, for fear of their partner doing exactly what you're doing now. Taking it personally, and perhaps even ending the RL because of it.

 

Anyway, I don't see anything good from having this conversation either.

 

If it were me, I would meet him for dinner, and have a blast. Refresh the RL. Reconnect. Have fun!

 

No heavy "relationship" talks.

 

I also don't agree with your withholding sex. Why? To punish him, has he done something "wrong"?

 

Not imo. The man was unsure, that's not a crime, in fact it's perfectly normal.

 

And if anyone believes their own partner never experienced any feelings of ambivalence, ever, I wouldn't believe it.

 

He/she just never told you about it, kept it to themselves.

[KantSleep]

What kind of vibe is he giving off in texts/phones calls (if any). Does he seem upbeat? Does he appear to be looking forward to this dinner? Have you yet to touch on the whole incident that set things off (i.e. the "disconnect" comment) which lead to "slow down", etc.?

[spinderella]

Bolded - is that what he is doing though? "Endlessly" questioning whether or not he wants a RL?

 

That's not what I got from reading your posts.

 

I got that after four months, he is a bit unsure and needed some space and time alone to figure it out, while simultaneously dealing with some other major stresses in his life.

 

Which imo is OKAY. Everyone experiences times when they feel unsure, especially in the beginning stages (first six months).

 

Difference is, most people don't voice that ambivalence, for fear of their partner doing exactly what you're doing now. Taking it personally, and perhaps even ending the RL because of it.

 

Anyway, I don't see anything good from having this conversation either.

 

If it were me, I would meet him for dinner, and have a blast. Refresh the RL. Reconnect. Have fun!

 

No heavy "relationship" talks.

 

I also don't agree with your withholding sex. Why? To punish him, has he done something "wrong"?

 

Not imo. The man was unsure, that's not a crime, in fact it's perfectly normal.

 

And if anyone believes their own partner never experienced any feelings of ambivalence, ever, I wouldn't believe it.

 

He/she just never told you about it, kept it to themselves.

 

When I say "endlessly" I mean that it cannot be an open door for me, and that while "enough time" is a subjective idea, it's feeling like "enough time" for ME.

 

I did not mean I would "withhold sex" only that, during this period of ambiguity and "taking it slow" it's not something I want to do right now and wouldn't make me feel good.

 

Anyway there's a bit of a change here as now he is saying he came home from work not feeling great and can he let me know tomorrow (that he'll make it). I said I'd call him later tonight. Idk, to me this is coming to an In or out point.

[KantSleep]

There is a lot of sickness going around. I wouldn't read too much into it. See where the phone call goes. I would save any "serious" talks for in person (if possible).

[spinderella]

Yeah I mean it just feels like more stalling and equivocation...but I'm going to make the call without confrontation, just to judge the tone.

[spinderella]

I called and kept it non-confrontational. I did however ask for confirmation that we're doing this trip next weekend, and he said yes as though there wasn't a reason to think otherwise. I told him I hope he feels better and that's that.

 

Katrina you talked me off the ledge a bit, thanks! I was losing my patience again. I am aware that my spinning on things is mostly of my own creation, but it's super valuable for me to get it out and get feedback here.

 

Also thanks to Kantsleep for the reminder to not mindread.