Boyfriend "isn't feeling as connected" and "not sure if its just work stress"

[spinderella]

Dating for four months.

 

3 weeks ago he got tasked with an extra workload at his job that sent him into 80 hr work weeks and has stressed him out enormously. His stress has effected me as well as others in his life.

 

During this time he gets super distant. Less texts. Less affection.

 

We get together last week and have a great night...I tell him the next day that it was nice and I felt more connected and less stress coming from him.

 

He says "yeah I haven't felt as connected lately"

 

So I say ok adios - I mean you're not feeling connected, which means you aren't feeling me..so guess its time to call this done.

 

He reacts with "So that's it? Just like that you're out?"

 

I react with "Aren't you basically telling me that you're out?"

 

He says he hasn't felt as connected lately, and knows its got to do with the work stress, but isn't sure if theres also more to it. He's "trying to figure that out"

 

I do the hard push for an answer and he gives me the "I'm trying to figure it out, I know its not fair to be with you and unsure so idk what to do"

 

We talk about slowing things down. Tapping the breaks on texting all day and calling all the time and giving each other space - him to handle some of his work stuff without girlfriend pressure and to "get some perspective and think things over" and me to "take some time for myself since all of his distance and ambiguity has been a distraction for me"

 

That's where we left it. I'm supposed to call later in the week. He hasn't texted at all in 3 days. Mind you we said we'd cut back on texting - not that we'd put a ban on it.

 

Anyway, my read on this is that he's out but he's just too cowardly to breakup directly. So I want to get some impartial takes on the situation:

 

1. Is he obviously wanting out and not just saying it?

2. Is it possible he is actually so consumed with his work stress that he's let it interfere with us and left him confused?

3. Does he genuinely just need some damn space?

 

I've already decided that I'm not going to call. Even though I'm the one who said I would late in the week. If he wants me he can call. Maybe its a petty test maneuver idk.

 

THOUGHTS?

[Wiseman2]

Agree after just a few months of dating it's not working out. He doesn't want the pressure of a gf and texting all day so is setting you free. Breaks usually mean breakups. It would be best to remain no contact until he reaches out.

Dating for four months. I say ok adios - I mean you're not feeling connected, which means you aren't feeling me..so guess its time to call this done. he gives me the "I'm trying to figure it out, I know its not fair to be with you and unsure so idk what to do". He hasn't texted at all in 3 days.

[gebaird]

If this was a 2-year relationship, I could see this being just a speed bump on the road of romance. But to be doing this only 4 months in? That seems like a huge red flag. At 4 months he should still be in the "I can't get enough of you" stage. Everyone handles work stress differently, but if I had a new girlfriend and my boss asked me to work 80-hour weeks, I'd be telling her how much I missed her and how upset I was I couldn't be with her. Not asking for space.

 

The 3 days of no texting is interesting. I think he's feeling smothered (perhaps not your fault, just his dumb issues). Work stress and girlfriend stress are combining and he's opting out of the girlfriend stress. I honestly don't see this ending well, even after the work stress is reduced. I think it's an excuse.

 

I understand why you have decided not to call. However, I'm a big believer in keeping my word within relationship contexts. Since you said you'd call, you should call -- and the call could be really short if you just tell him "it's over."

[spinderella]

I agree that he is feeling smothered - and I had been going kind of overboard with the texting.

 

I pretty much agree with the whole using work as an excuse deal. Here's the only place I get hung up - when I let him off the hook and said it was over - his response "So that's it? Just like that you're out?" - Which indicated to me that he didn't want me to bail/end it.

 

Whats up with that?

[Betterwithout]

That's a toughie.

80hr work weeks really leave personal time to the bare minimum and being sleep deprived doesn't help.

Having said that it does sound like he'd rather be alone than be with you on his time off.

I feel that because of his statement: "He says he hasn't felt as connected lately, and knows its got to do with the work stress, but isn't sure if theres also more to it. He's "trying to figure that out"

It sucks that it might be the end for this relationship, but better now than years down the road.

[spinderella]

"80hr work weeks really leave personal time to the bare minimum and being sleep deprived doesn't help.

Having said that it does sound like he'd rather be alone than be with you on his time off."

 

-He has distanced himself in terms of texting but we have seen each other/done the usual things (dinners, friends concerts, laugh, talk, sex) as regularly as before all of this.

[Wiseman2]

Sudden breakup threats do catch people off guard. However he did let your breakup go through, as per your suggestion.

 

No breakup threats do not change behaviors or texting or priorities or communication. They announce that the relationship is hanging by a thread in your mind and you have one foot out the door. His only recourse was to agree with you and go no contact.

I agree that he is feeling smothered - and I had been going kind of overboard with the texting.

"Checkmate is a game position in chess in which a player's king is in check (threatened with capture) and there is no way to remove the threat. Checkmating the opponent wins the game.

In chess the king is never actually captured – the game ends as soon as the king is checkmated. In master and serious amateur play, most players resign an inevitably lost game before being checkmated, and it is considered bad etiquette to continue playing in a completely hopeless position."

[spinderella]

Sudden breakup threats do catch people off guard. However he did let your breakup go through, as per your suggestion.

 

Sorry - not following you here. When I said we were done - he came back and acted like he didn't want it to be - then we continued to talk and came to the whole "lets slow things down" agreement.

[Betterwithout]

-He has distanced himself in terms of texting but we have seen each other/done the usual things (dinners, friends concerts, laugh, talk, sex) as regularly as before all of this.

 

Ok, that is a good sign for you that you are still seeing each other in person.

Some people prefer to wait for face to face than have important discussions on a text. Some people (men especially) use text for black and white details, not discussions or feelings.

Don't forget emotion does not come through on texts, and any text received can be open to interpretation. Think of this sentence in a text "I had a great time with you last night" .

Now, think of that same sentence on the phone. Now, think of them telling you that in person. Tone and body language are sadly missed with text messages.

Maybe he prefers to text a lot less than you.

[Betterwithout]

was the following communicated by text?

 

"He says "yeah I haven't felt as connected lately"

 

So I say ok adios - I mean you're not feeling connected, which means you aren't feeling me..so guess its time to call this done.

 

He reacts with "So that's it? Just like that you're out?"

[Wiseman2]

Yes he agreed with you but called it "a break" and "slowing things down".

When I said we were done - then we continued to talk and came to the whole "lets slow things down" agreement.

[spinderella]

Yeah that was all in text - then later that night we talked more and came to the "lets slow it down deal"

 

During that phone call the over-load of texts was a topic and I explained that I'd ease back on that. (For what its worth, I recently lost a friend who I texted with a lot and I think I transferred some of that energy over to him, which I explained to him)

 

I'm just super stuck on the "not connected AS MUCH lately" piece - if I was feeling that way I think I'd say "hey lets try and spend some more one on one time together and try to reconnect more" - but then again he doesn't really have extra time...

[spinderella]

Yes he agreed with you but called it "a break" and "slowing things down".

 

Well, the "how about we slow things down" statement came from me. And the word "break" hasn't been used.

 

Not trying to argue my way out of this - just making sure the details are captured accurately, since the whole reason this is puzzling me is the nuance and ambiguity.

[Betterwithout]

I don't know if there is a magic number of texts to have between people in any given day (over 15/day may be too much for some), so dialing it back will most likely help. Especially if he is working very long hours, it can't be fun if he is concentrating on a task at work, and hears his phone vibrating numerous times.

Scale back on the texts and see what happens. How often do you see each other in person?

[Wiseman2]

Then it's clear he doesn't like text-tethering when he's trying to work hard.

-He has distanced himself in terms of texting but we have seen each other/done the usual things (dinners, friends concerts, laugh, talk, sex) as regularly as before all of this.

[lucidious]

Maybe he actually is overworked and stressed that it's hard to keep up with texts. But not hearing from him for 3 days, idk about that. Seems like he wants his space, give it to him. Let him come to you. And if he doesn't then you have your answer, he just isn't that into you and doesn't wanna put in extra effort.

 

Or he's just trying to be ok himself from all the stress. Sometimes when things are overwhelming I retreat to myself and shut down everyone and everything. You could help him destress & show up with a care package or something. That's what I would I do. Maybe that could make things better, all the 'slowing down' talk is only adding more stress on top of everything.

[spinderella]

I don't know if there is a magic number of texts to have between people in any given day (over 15/day may be too much for some), so dialing it back will most likely help. Especially if he is working very long hours, it can't be fun if he is concentrating on a task at work, and hears his phone vibrating numerous times.

Scale back on the texts and see what happens. How often do you see each other in person?

 

I haven't texted him since the phone call either - I said I would call later in the week. I kinda thought he might drop a text during the week just as a gesture - but its possible that he thought we were going to go text-silent until the late-in the-week call.

 

We see each other once a week due to our jobs and kids, while that sounds like not very much, we've felt pretty good about how we manage that.

 

I'm just sort of worried that I'm jumping to the absolute worst conclusion and could blow it up, when maybe he actually means what he says and just feels stressed and needs a little space and perspective.

[spinderella]

Then it's clear he doesn't like text-tethering when he's trying to work hard.

 

Totally agree - in fact he took ownership of having started out with tons of texts and then scaling back and how that could come off to me as insulting though not intended that way.

[spinderella]

Seems like he wants his space, give it to him. Let him come to you. And if he doesn't then you have your answer, he just isn't that into you and doesn't wanna put in extra effort.

 

You could help him destress & show up with a care package or something. That's what I would I do. Maybe that could make things better, all the 'slowing down' talk is only adding more stress on top of everything.

 

That's what I was thinking - let him come to me. But I did say I would call and I wonder if not doing so would come off as hostile and make things worse.

 

I have done a few things like brought over dinner when he had to work late, etc - and he was super appreciative.

 

I agree all the 'relationship talk' is adding to his stress. I sort of wish I had just ignored his very first comment and maybe over a few more dates we would have recaptured some of that connection. So I'm torn. I could just call him, get together over the weekend as usual, and just see what happens.

[Betterwithout]

I'm just sort of worried that I'm jumping to the absolute worst conclusion and could blow it up, when maybe he actually means what he says and just feels stressed and needs a little space and perspective.

 

PRECISELY. You know what they say about people who assume. They make an ASS out of U and ME

[spinderella]

The more I think about this the more I feel like if I don't call him, then I'm being really passive aggressive so that I get to be the dumper.

 

Where if I do call, I guess the worst that could happen is he does the dumping.

[nutbrownhare]

I used to have a very stressful job where I worked 70+ hours per week at times. My then partner was an additional source of stress, because he was demanding attention in all sorts of passive-aggressive ways which I just didn't have the space to give , and coming back to someone who'd give me a hard time about not being available to him was like rubbing salt into the wound. I was really into him, and it took me a long time to get over our breakup.

 

If I learned one thing from that relationship is that if your partner is going through a stressful, busy time... ASK what they want from you. My current guy's stepfather died when we'd been together for about three months, and he received the news a couple of days after we'd gone on holiday to France for a fortnight. He decided to stay put rather than fly back for the funeral; I told him that whatever he wanted from me, I was happy to give it - whether it was physical affection, a listening ear, or just to be left alone. In fact, he wanted all three at different times.

 

If your guy is already stressed with the pressure of work, he's going to be too worn out to have much to give you - at the moment. It sounds as though he was too exhausted to argue when you implied you wanted out, but there's absolutely nothing in your post to suggest that he's losing his feelings for you, or that he wants to end the relationship.

 

The choice is yours, but there are choices...

 

1. If this is the relationship, and this is the way it's always going to be, you can either end things and find someone who's more available to you OR you can use it as an opportunity to have an active life independently of him, cultivate your interests and other friendships.

 

2. If this is a temporary phase, you can either end the relationship OR ride it out, let him know that you understand the pressure he's under, and are prepared to support him through it in whatever way fits. You can still use it as an opportunity to lead an active life independently of him.

 

Either way, let yourself know that the way people behave is a reflection of who they are and where they're at, not who you are.

 

Good luck!

[spinderella]

I wonder a bunch too if anyone has ever bounced back from the "lets give each other some space" deal. Like does that ever lead to reconnecting...

[nutbrownhare]

I wonder a bunch too if anyone has ever bounced back from the "lets give each other some space" deal. Like does that ever lead to reconnecting...

 

Depends what you mean by "space"... if it means temporarily not making demands that the other person can't meet, and doing your own thing but keeping in warm, friendly contact, then absolutely it will lead to reconnecting.

 

If it means a cold, passive-aggressive sulk where you're ferociously non-contacting the other person, it probably won't.

[Wiseman2]

Why don't you just do that. Take the guesswork and angst out of it. Stop all the texting and stop the preemptive breakup threats. Say what you mean and mean what you say. At 4 mos of dating you don't need "relationship talks".

I could just call him, get together over the weekend as usual, and just see what happens.