KantSleep Posted February 16, 2017 Share Posted February 16, 2017 I was widowed young, and remained single for many years, until recently. I have been in a relationship for about 20 months now. For the first several months, I was deeply insecure and thought on a daily basis I would get dumped. I did not feel safe and secure in the relationship. It was really due to my insecurities, and some of his divorce drama mixed in. That said, when your BF initially stated he felt disconnected, you went from 0 to 60, in my humble, non judgmental opinion. I imagine it was a defense mechanism mixed with a pride thing, and perhaps a dash of insecurity. I think if this whole incident comes up, you need to tell him you reacted poorly to his statement, and you regret it. You don't want him on pins and needles every time he feels "disconnected" or tries to convey an emotion, that he worries you are checking out. Mind you, I am not looking to blame you for your reaction, which is why I mentioned what a train wreck I was early on in my relationship. I gotta have 9 relationship lives for all the screwing up I was doing with my BF. I did tons of mind reading and half the time my BF didn't know what the hell I was talking about. LOL. I was passive-aggressive, played games and basically acted like an idiot (got past that stuff, thank God). Anyway, back to you I would just try to be the understanding GF, knowing the catalyst was his work schedule, and not you (at least, I hope so, as you seem like a nice lady). The "disconnect" statement is something I have felt with my BF on occasion, especially when he is out of town on business. I don't like the feeling but it doesn't mean I want to break up with him. When I see him again, all is right with the world again. Anyway, I hope it works out for you and he doesn't check out. It seems like you like this guy... and that is what makes it difficult - you have something to lose. Good luck. Link to comment
spinderella Posted February 16, 2017 Author Share Posted February 16, 2017 I was widowed young, and remained single for many years, until recently. I have been in a relationship for about 20 months now. For the first several months, I was deeply insecure and thought on a daily basis I would get dumped. I did not feel safe and secure in the relationship. It was really due to my insecurities, and some of his divorce drama mixed in. That said, when your BF initially stated he felt disconnected, you went from 0 to 60, in my humble, non judgmental opinion. I imagine it was a defense mechanism mixed with a pride thing, and perhaps a dash of insecurity. I think if this whole incident comes up, you need to tell him you reacted poorly to his statement, and you regret it. You don't want him on pins and needles every time he feels "disconnected" or tries to convey an emotion, that he worries you are checking out. Mind you, I am not looking to blame you for your reaction, which is why I mentioned what a train wreck I was early on in my relationship. I gotta have 9 relationship lives for all the screwing up I was doing with my BF. I did tons of mind reading and half the time my BF didn't know what the hell I was talking about. LOL. I was passive-aggressive, played games and basically acted like an idiot (got past that stuff, thank God). Anyway, back to you I would just try to be the understanding GF, knowing the catalyst was his work schedule, and not you (at least, I hope so, as you seem like a nice lady). The "disconnect" statement is something I have felt with my BF on occasion, especially when he is out of town on business. I don't like the feeling but it doesn't mean I want to break up with him. When I see him again, all is right with the world again. Anyway, I hope it works out for you and he doesn't check out. It seems like you like this guy... and that is what makes it difficult - you have something to lose. Good luck. Thanks for your input! It's got a lot to do with inexperience. I married very young and haven't been at this long! Link to comment
KantSleep Posted February 16, 2017 Share Posted February 16, 2017 You are 100% correct. I was out of the dating scene for so long I had no idea what to expect, how to behave, how to be in a relationship, etc. Luckily I met a guy who understood this (he was kind of in the same boat, emerging from a long marriage). So I stumbled around, made a fool of myself multiple times - but we eventually got on solid footing. I hope you do too! Link to comment
spinderella Posted February 18, 2017 Author Share Posted February 18, 2017 Well. We went out and didn't talk about it at all. He was more affectionate than he had been last time I saw him, and we had fun it was light. We talked about our trip and are both looking forward to it. I could sense at the beginning he was concerned that he was taking out a hurt/bummed out spinderella or a 'gonna haul off on him' spinderella. Instead he seemed to be seeing ME a lot more than previously. I think there's still a lot to see unfold here. I suspect that with time things will normalize. I still feel text/call banned and at some point that has to loosen up. I don't mean I'd hammer him all day at work but damn, a girl should be able to send a text. The rest of the space stuff is fine! As soon as we'd gone out I felt different. Like there wasn't this inequalitable balance of power. Now I feel just as much a part of it as him instead of someone auditioning to be good enough. Trip comes next weekend! We shall see! Link to comment
KantSleep Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 Sounds wonderful. Hopefully the texting/call ban will be lifted. Just another note - at some point in my relationship I got rather needy (not saying you are - I always text my BF, several times a day). I got needy with wanting more time with him. I got whiny with the constant "I miss you's". When I backed off and got back to my life - things got better. I do believe some men (and I guess women too) need their alone time. They just do. Perhaps not seeing you last weekend made him realize that he missed you and wants to be with you - but he still benefited from his alone time, which isn't a slight against you. There is a reason men like their man caves. LOL. Anyway, it sounds like you are back on track. That is wonderful news. Have fun on your trip. Link to comment
spinderella Posted February 18, 2017 Author Share Posted February 18, 2017 Thanks KantSleep! I think so too. 😊 Link to comment
spinderella Posted February 22, 2017 Author Share Posted February 22, 2017 One more day until the big weekend trip. I still can't get a clear read on where he's at. Text conversations are short, but positive. Part of me feels he's still checked out and for some reason going through the motions. (too chicken to break up) I'm still doing some mind reading because he never said anything declarative - like "okay, I thought about it, I want you" or whatever. Is it unrealistic to expect that? IDK, the question I keep asking myself at this point is: what would happen if I just stopped worrying so much? Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 IDK, the question I keep asking myself at this point is: what would happen if I just stopped worrying so much? You'd feel more relaxed, happier in yourself and would be more fun to be with. I heartily recommend it! As for expectations... in 12-step circles, there is a saying: "Expectations are premeditated resentments"; it's wise to let them go. All you can reasonably expect of another person is that they will be themselves, and you don't know yet where he's at. Stop the mind-reading, because it's fuelled by your own fears and has very little to do with him. Just be in the here and now, look at what's going on right now, stop worrying about the future, and enjoy your time with him! Link to comment
spinderella Posted February 22, 2017 Author Share Posted February 22, 2017 You'd feel more relaxed, happier in yourself and would be more fun to be with. I heartily recommend it! I know that you're right nutbrownhare - I wish I had some practical tools to use to not worry and read into things!!! Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 Did you break up or not? Why would you need reassurances like that if he didn't break up and you are going away together? Just enjoy the trip.One more day until the big weekend trip. I'm still doing some mind reading because he never said anything declarative - like "okay, I thought about it, I want you" or whatever. Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 I know that you're right nutbrownhare - I wish I had some practical tools to use to not worry and read into things!!! There are plenty of resources online... Link to comment
spinderella Posted February 22, 2017 Author Share Posted February 22, 2017 Did you break up or not? Why would you need reassurances like that if he didn't break up and you are going away together? Just enjoy the trip. Well, when he told me he needed "time to think" and to "figure it out" - I sort of expected a declarative statement of some kind after our big slowdown/break. Without that I still feel a little in limbo (is he still "unsure"?) It's tough when someone says they're unsure about you - as confident as we all like to be, it stings. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 Ok then his ambiguity is intentional to neither be together nor breakup. He's clear that he's "unsure". It's only limbo if you accept these fwb/neither here nor there terms. This is a pretty definitive statement 6758121]It's tough when someone says they're unsure about you. Link to comment
spinderella Posted February 22, 2017 Author Share Posted February 22, 2017 Ok then his ambiguity is intentional to neither be together nor breakup. He's clear that he's "unsure". It's only limbo if you accept these fwb/neither here nor there terms. This is a pretty definitive statement He sees us as together. He just never made a statement about what he "figured out" or that he's now 'sure' or whatever. But maybe that's not rly my business to expect to hear and him just returning (mostly) to how things were is his way of moving past it. Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 You've only been dating for four months. That really isn't very long at all, in fact, just long enuff for the honeymoon period to wear off, and for you to begin a relationship in earnest because you can now start to see the other person realistically. In the early stages of a relationship we're all awash with hormones and see everything through rosy-tinted spectacles; it's all illusory and cannot possibly last. Just relax and see what happens... Link to comment
spinderella Posted February 22, 2017 Author Share Posted February 22, 2017 Its about 5 months now, but yes, early days. I guess the thing to do here is just move forward and try to put any of this awkwardness behind and see how it goes. Link to comment
spinderella Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 Well - I'm back! For those interested in an update - we had a wonderful weekend together It was tense at first - there was a lot of ice to break. But it cleared up and we ended up having a lot of fun. We only just touched on how things had been strained - and how it was feeling like things had run their course - but by the end of the weekend both felt closer and reconnected with each other. It actually feels better and more authentic than before all the yuckiness of the last couple weeks. It seems that we are back on track and both really happy about it! Thanks everyone for your help and input! Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Well - I'm back! For those interested in an update - we had a wonderful weekend together It was tense at first - there was a lot of ice to break. But it cleared up and we ended up having a lot of fun. We only just touched on how things had been strained - and how it was feeling like things had run their course - but by the end of the weekend both felt closer and reconnected with each other. It actually feels better and more authentic than before all the yuckiness of the last couple weeks. It seems that we are back on track and both really happy about it! Thanks everyone for your help and input! Great - good on ya! xxx Link to comment
spinderella Posted August 27, 2017 Author Share Posted August 27, 2017 SOOO... I often read message board threads from months or years ago and wonder...what happened??? We mostly post in crisis or times of uncertainty and never follow up. For anyone who happens upon this thread because they are experiencing something similar, I thought it'd be nice to share. We are still together...and now, very much in love. We spend our nights together, we are involved in each other's children's lives, and we talk about the future with confidence. We laugh. A lot. We'll celebrate a year together shortly. We haven't hit any rough patches since the one from this thread. There have been differences and challenges sure, but no awkward relationship-breakers. A few months after the sorta-break we talked about that phase and chalked it all up to stress. We've both changed jobs since (promotions!) He has no idea I posted all of this then, but I know for sure we wouldn't be the partners we are now if I hadn't come here to help work it out in my head and heart. A year is not a long time...but its not a short time either. And I am so in love with this man. I just wanted to share it. Thanks to this community!!! Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted August 27, 2017 Share Posted August 27, 2017 Thanks for the update, OP, and it's lovely to hear there was a happy epilogue to this. Good luck to you both! Link to comment
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