Should I contact him again on the dating site?

[soconfused08]

Hi. Last November, I met a man from a dating app and I fell for him. I wanted something more serious, but he did not. There was some contention, but we came to an agreement to be friends. This did not work for me because I had fallen for him. I explained this to him and told him that although there were no hard feelings, I would appreciate if he didn't contact me anymore so that I can heal and move on. I regret this. Today I was browsing matches invisibly and found him again. I didn't match with him, but I contemplated contacting him again. Right now, I don't think I have feelings or him romantically. I think I would like being his friend or even something like casual dating. I don't know if I'm just fooling myself. I would like to just talk to him, say hi, perhaps be friends. I just miss him a lot. I no longer have his number. Would it look crazy to contact him again? What would I even say? Any opinions are appreciated.

[Betterwithout]

Going for round 2 after things went South the first time doesn't sound like a good plan.

Your words are "I wanted something more serious, but he did not". Stick to what you really want...something serious.

[nutbrownhare]

Move past him. If you contact him, and he doesn't reply, you'll find it hurtful. If he does reply, then you're likely to go the same way again. You'll find it hurtful.

 

Why not concentrate on finding someone you do match with, who wants the same things as you, and take it from there? While you're preoccupied with this guy, you're stopping yourself doing this.

[Wiseman2]

Why undergo two rejections? He doesn't want to date or be friends. People aren't on dating sites to be friends or chat.

 

Better to move forward than backward. How long did you date last time?

I wanted something more serious, but he did not. There was some contention, but we came to an agreement to be friends. I would like to just talk to him, say hi, perhaps be friends. What would I even say? Any opinions are appreciated.

[DancingFool]

Don't do that to yourself. He was not into you the first time around and you'll just get hurt again and yes, possibly come across as very desperate and stalkerish.

 

I'm not looking for anything serious let's just be friends is a soft let down.....well....in reality it's a completely obnoxious and torturous let down because it leaves the person hoping that some day when life changes.... Look, if he had liked you enough, he'd still be with you. It's that's simple.

[soconfused08]

Thank you. I know you guys are right, but I keep thinking what if he's changed? I was the one who suggested to be friends. He wanted to casually date. We went out three times. He told me he wasn't ready for bf/gf titles. I'm under no illusion he'll ever want something serious with me. I would be happy just to say hey. If he doesn't to chat I think that I can face the rejection. I regret telling him not to contact me because it hurt so much at that time. The rejection was raw. Now I am more detached and would like to talk to him casually and maybe I would be up to casually date him. I'm so afraid Dancingfool is right that there is no way to do it without coming across desperate and stalkerish. Even if I say "hello"? I guess I don't even care if he doesn't answer.

[soconfused08]

I guess 'friends' is the wrong way to put it. I just would like to say hello again because I saw him.

[Wiseman2]

3 dates and you wanted to be bf/gf? That's way too soon. He didn't reject you, he just used common sense that 3 dates is way too soon for bf/gf titles. Have you dated since then?

He wanted to casually date. We went out three times. He told me he wasn't ready for bf/gf titles.

[soconfused08]

Thanks. I don't think we will ever be on the same page as far as having a committed relationship. I still wouldn't mind reaching out to him again in case he's changed his mind or even to say "hello". Yes, I've been on a dates with one other person since.

[Wiseman2]

Can he block you on the site? This type of contact is kind of creepy and desperate.

 

Keep in mind he never tried to contact you again and instead is on sites looking for OTHER women, not you.

 

Why can't you friend him on FB?

I still wouldn't mind reaching out to him again in case he's changed his mind or even to say "hello".

[soconfused08]

Yes, he can block me. I don't see why he would. If I were to contact I'd just say "hey, how have you been?" or something (?) and he doesn't have to answer. I wouldn't badger him. I told him not to contact me. Not FB friending him because we aren't friends? I just ran into again him on the dating app.

[Wiseman2]

You seem very determined to do this. How do you think it will turn out?

If I were to contact I'd just say "hey, how have you been?" or something and he doesn't have to answer.

[Tinydance]

But after 3 dates and also meeting you literally only three times, how can he possibly be expected to know if he wants to be your boyfriend? Sorry but I really think you need to examine how you're acting because you're acting a bit strange, sorry to sound harsh... You hardly knew each other and you told him not to see you anymore coz he didn't want to commit, now want to message him again out of nowhere?

[holistic17]

You say you don't expect anything out of this but then you said "in case he's changed his mind or something". That says you do want his attention and hoping he will want to meet you again. I've been in this situation before and believe me, despite you convincing yourself its harmless - you WILL feel rejected again. And stupid. And foolish. If a man wants to be in contact with you, then he will. It doesn't matter if you told him not to speak to you. That only adds to his perception that you were very quickly emotionally involved with him, because of how you reacted when he didn't want to persue it with you. This is not worth it at all. You need to move forwards - not back. I gave mine a second chance after he first rejected me and you know what? He only did it because he was bored and wanted to get a quick leg over. Which luckily I had the sense to see through. But he ignored my text when I still tried to contact him for a proper date. It took me ages to get over it. So don't bother.

[katrina1980]

 

Hi. Last November, I met a man from a dating app and I fell for him. I wanted something more serious, but he did not. There was some contention, but we came to an agreement to be friends. This did not work for me because I had fallen for him. I explained this to him and told him that although there were no hard feelings, I would appreciate if he didn't contact me anymore so that I can heal and move on. I regret this.

 

Today I was browsing matches invisibly and found him again. I didn't match with him, but I contemplated contacting him again. Right now, I don't think I have feelings or him romantically. I think I would like being his friend or even something like casual dating. I don't know if I'm just fooling myself. I would like to just talk to him, say hi, perhaps be friends. I just miss him a lot. I no longer have his number. Would it look crazy to contact him again? What would I even say? Any opinions are appreciated.

 

Yes I think you are fooling yourself (about wanting to be just friends), and JMO but going forward, instead of asking him (or any man) to not contact you anymore (so you can heal).... YOU make the decision to not speak to him anymore, by telling him it's (whatever you had) isn't working for you anymore and blocking and deleting.

 

Or if you don't have the capability on your phone to block, deleting the text as soon as you see it (without reading).

 

That said, I do believe in second chances, so if you think you can handle another rejection (should that happen) go ahead contact him again.

 

I am a bit of a risk taker, but that's just me. I KNOW I will be okay no matter what happens. So I can take the risk.

 

But not everyone is like this so take some time to think about what it is you truly want and go from there.

 

Good luck!

[Wiseman2]

If you want to just say hello/catch up, that may be more appropriate than stalking dating apps. Send a friend request, see how he responds. Is he seeing anyone?

FB friending him because we aren't friends?

[katrina1980]

 

...but I keep thinking what if he's changed?

 

I was the one who suggested to be friends. He wanted to casually date.

 

We went out three times. He told me he wasn't ready for bf/gf titles.

 

I just read this and yeah I think you definitely jumped the gun a bit on ending it.

 

You went out only three times and you expected him to commit to bf/gf and because he wasn't ready to do that, you dumped him?

 

I would suggest (1) you lower expectations, and (2) try and manage your emotions better.

 

It''s perfectly normal and natural for someone (man OR woman) to not want to commit to bf/gf after only three dates.

 

Ugh what is with these "titles" anyway? Personally I can't stand titles, would your interaction (or RL) change because you put a damn title on it?

 

NO! For many people, it just adds more pressure and after only three dates?

 

Relax for heaven's sake, have fun, enjoy the process of getting to know each!

 

So to your first bolded, perhaps a better way to look at this is that HE hasn't changed but YOU have!

[Annia]

You put too much expectations after only 3 dates and wanted him to tell you he wanted a relationship only after 3 dates. That's too much, and it was a sensible decision of him not to tell you he wanted a relationship so soon.

 

It's totally normal on his side and your reaction was too much. That's why I don't think you should contact him, but more because you're too eager and are not ready to casually date someone and see where it goes or you wouldn't have "demanded" a relationship after such a short time of knowing each other. So if he rejects you again you'll get hurt again, and he's probably put off by what happened, so there's a chance he "rejects" you again. Bear in mind that I don't even think he rejected YOU per se... he like most people just wasn't ready to make such a a decision so soon.

 

You did well however in asking him not to contact you instead of casual dating him or staying friends and hurting yourself.

 

I'd say now the priority is not contacting him again... is work on your neediness, your self confidence and boundaries. Use this as a lesson for next time.

 

Good luck.

[soconfused08]

Thank you all for the replies. They all helped a great deal. I think deep down I do wish he changed it could different. Even though I think I can handle rejection again and being friends and casual dating him now, it will probably hurt when really faced with it. I kept thinking about him saying that he didn't know me well enough but was headed there. You all have convinced me to move on and NOT contact him. I'll keep my dignity and live with my decision. I will give things a little more time in the future.

[soconfused08]

If you want to just say hello/catch up, that may be more appropriate than stalking dating apps. Send a friend request, see how he responds. Is he seeing anyone?

 

 

I'm not really sure. It says he's still single on the app. He gave me his Facebook when we first met and I did not add him. I think it would be just as odd to add him now. I saw him today and it felt like a sign. But it is not.

[soconfused08]

Yes I think you are fooling yourself (about wanting to be just friends), and JMO but going forward, instead of asking him (or any man) to not contact you anymore (so you can heal).... YOU make the decision to not speak to him anymore, by telling him it's (whatever you had) isn't working for you anymore and blocking and deleting.

 

Or if you don't have the capability on your phone to block, deleting the text as soon as you see it (without reading).

 

That said, I do believe in second chances, so if you think you can handle another rejection (should that happen) go ahead contact him again.

 

I am a bit of a risk taker, but that's just me. I KNOW I will be okay no matter what happens. So I can take the risk.

 

But not everyone is like this so take some time to think about what it is you truly want and go from there.

 

Good luck!

 

I really liked this post. The bolded is so true. I was rude and strange now thinking about it. I told him if he contacted me I would have to put him on block. I don't have any easy block feature on my phone and have never done it. I can only block about 8 people and have to do it manually through a site. I wanted to heal but I did it all wrong. Next time it is not working I will tell them it's not and silently go away. Lesson learned! Thank you.