Digging for Dirt

[ingenue]

I had access to the boyfriend's computer. I made the conscious, selfish, uneasy, and overall wrong decision to go through his facebook messages.

 

Conversations with various females from his past proved that he's just like any man. Putting feelers out there, trying to hang out with multiple girls simultaneously (like one after another one day after the next). It bothers me, but more so because some of these convos took place about five six months after we started dating, and even two to three months after we had determined our relationship.

 

Another thing that bothers me is the conversation he had with his ex-girlfriend from three years ago. The way he was so sweet on her. He has claimed that he was very much in love with her, and that he felt like she was the one, at least at that time. He also claims he is over it now, but I can't shake that perhaps I'm nothing compared to this big love of his. One, he doesn't express the same gushy mushy tendencies towards me. If anything he is very nonchalant and aloof. Two, he has mentioned that he's not like that anymore because it didn't really do him any good being that way from his past relationship.

 

I'm not sure how to feel. A part of me am ashamed that I have betrayed his trust. Another part knows I did it because I'm trying to determine if my intuitions are correct, that my fears of being someone he's just keeping around to pass the time is probable reality.

 

Moreover, I can't exactly tell him how it is. One can't just say oh yeah, I invaded your privacy and my fears are confirmed, so I think we should break up.

 

In addition, I'm trying to look at things as if the roles were reversed. I too have loved and lost, and it goes without saying that I'm not lost in naïveté and gushing over new romances like I was three years ago. So perhaps all my issues really are me projecting my own insecurities onto him.

 

Please help me sort out my confusion.

[indea08]

How long have you been together?

[ingenue]

How long have you been together?

 

Shy of two years.

 

A few things have happened as of recent, and I'll spare you the details, but they encircle the same issues: I'm not getting the emotional support and security I want.

[abitbroken]

Sorry, you are looking for trouble.

 

What is wrong with your relationship that you feel that you need to do this. Or is it your insecurity?

There is nothing wrong with a single, unattached guy or gal who is not dating anyone exclusively to try to hang out and get to know more than one woman/man until they pair off and decide to see someone exclusively.

 

There is nothing wrong with him telling his ex that he cares for her/she was the one WHILE they were dating or shortly after they broke up. She was the one up until that point. So what? It does show he is capable of love and loyalty when he is in a relationship. I thought some guy i went out with was great until i went out with the next one, you know?

 

I think that you need to address the current relationship issues and not go looking down a rabbit hole. Its almost like you are trying to hunt for reasons to be upset. You say you want to spare the details, but you need to share them, because as it looks to me, you are very wrong for snooping

[abitbroken]

Shy of two years.

 

A few things have happened as of recent, and I'll spare you the details, but they encircle the same issues: I'm not getting the emotional support and security I want.

 

If this is the way you deal with disappointment, instead of actually just talking to your guy about it, i think some growth in you is needed. What exactly kind of security and support do you feel you need?

[Rising100]

Is this the full story? Why did u go in there in the first place?

[evad1]

I had access to the boyfriend's computer. I made the conscious, selfish, uneasy, and overall wrong decision to go through his facebook messages.

 

Conversations with various females from his past proved that he's just like any man. Putting feelers out there, trying to hang out with multiple girls simultaneously (like one after another one day after the next). It bothers me, but more so because some of these convos took place about five six months after we started dating, and even two to three months after we had determined our relationship.

 

Another thing that bothers me is the conversation he had with his ex-girlfriend from three years ago. The way he was so sweet on her. He has claimed that he was very much in love with her, and that he felt like she was the one, at least at that time. He also claims he is over it now, but I can't shake that perhaps I'm nothing compared to this big love of his. One, he doesn't express the same gushy mushy tendencies towards me. If anything he is very nonchalant and aloof. Two, he has mentioned that he's not like that anymore because it didn't really do him any good being that way from his past relationship.

 

I'm not sure how to feel. A part of me am ashamed that I have betrayed his trust. Another part knows I did it because I'm trying to determine if my intuitions are correct, that my fears of being someone he's just keeping around to pass the time is probable reality.

 

Moreover, I can't exactly tell him how it is. One can't just say oh yeah, I invaded your privacy and my fears are confirmed, so I think we should break up.

 

In addition, I'm trying to look at things as if the roles were reversed. I too have loved and lost, and it goes without saying that I'm not lost in naïveté and gushing over new romances like I was three years ago. So perhaps all my issues really are me projecting my own insecurities onto him.

 

Please help me sort out my confusion.

 

I agree how long have you been together? Mushy and gushy does not equate to true love. Why are you worried that he's using you to pass the time? Those are all old messages I would think it's not too crazy to still be talking to other people at the beginning of a relationship. I think you are right you have your own insecurities. If you've only been dating for like 7 months or so that's not long enough to really determine things. Lol too be honest you don't have to say anything about going through his Facebook. I would stay away from doing things like that if it's going to eat you up inside. If he said he likes you I wouldn't keep pushing it. Normally you can tell if someone is into you are not. Do you spend your time talking and hanging out or is more of a sexual thing and you have nothing in common. If you can tell he doesn't really like you then you can just leave. You don't have to stay if you're not happy.

[ingenue]

If this is the way you deal with disappointment, instead of actually just talking to your guy about it, i think some growth in you is needed. What exactly kind of security and support do you feel you need?

 

I have talked to him about it. The answers are the same. This is how he is, he's provided more empathy / emotions / bla bla in the past and it didn't work out.

 

I guess I need more.

[JaggerJim]

I have talked to him about it. The answers are the same. This is how he is, he's provided more empathy / emotions / bla bla in the past and it didn't work out.

 

I guess I need more.

 

If that's what he's telling you, then you are not the one.

[ingenue]

Is this the full story? Why did u go in there in the first place?

 

I have this underlying insecurity that maybe he doesn't want to be with me.

 

He has admitted that I am a great girl and he doesn't want to lose me ... but he doesn't know why he is not emotionally available like I need him to be. He claims that maybe he wasn't ready for a relationship, he doesn't know if it's because he wants to date other girls, but he just wants to chill and do whatever he wants whenever he wants.

 

As for why I'm there in the first place - I am watching his dog while he's away.

[abitbroken]

I have talked to him about it. The answers are the same. This is how he is, he's provided more empathy / emotions / bla bla in the past and it didn't work out.

 

I guess I need more.

 

Tell us what the actual problem is. It is hard to know if you are being reasonable at all with your request. Its hard to know what you are asking him because asking for someone to have "empathy" is abstract and subjective. What are you actually asking of him and what is your actual problem??? Is the problem this old note to his ex before he even started dating you??

[ingenue]

Sorry, you are looking for trouble.

 

What is wrong with your relationship that you feel that you need to do this. Or is it your insecurity?

There is nothing wrong with a single, unattached guy or gal who is not dating anyone exclusively to try to hang out and get to know more than one woman/man until they pair off and decide to see someone exclusively.

 

There is nothing wrong with him telling his ex that he cares for her/she was the one WHILE they were dating or shortly after they broke up. She was the one up until that point. So what? It does show he is capable of love and loyalty when he is in a relationship. I thought some guy i went out with was great until i went out with the next one, you know?

 

I think that you need to address the current relationship issues and not go looking down a rabbit hole. Its almost like you are trying to hunt for reasons to be upset. You say you want to spare the details, but you need to share them, because as it looks to me, you are very wrong for snooping

 

Thanks! I am wrong. I already said that in one of the first sentences. You don't need to belabor a known fact.

 

My issue is I really thought that his aloofness is just who he is. Now seeing how he really can be makes me question whether or not I am the one he wants to be with.

[ingenue]

Tell us what the actual problem is. It is hard to know if you are being reasonable at all with your request. Its hard to know what you are asking him because asking for someone to have "empathy" is abstract and subjective. What are you actually asking of him and what is your actual problem??? Is the problem this old note to his ex before he even started dating you??

 

Okay... here is an example of his lack of empathy...

 

He knows I struggle with depression. He thinks that's something I should snap out of. He thinks that because when I am in my bouts of depression, I take naps (from being mentally exhausted) and that makes me lazy. He has no empathy for how difficult it really is for me.

 

But then when it comes to helping someone else out, or being helpful, especially if it's towards other females, he's all gung ho and willing and enthusiastic. This fuels my insecurity.

[Pretzel]

Okay... here is an example of his lack of empathy...

 

He knows I struggle with depression. He thinks that's something I should snap out of. He thinks that because when I am in my bouts of depression, I take naps (from being mentally exhausted) and that makes me lazy. He has no empathy for how difficult it really is for me.

 

But then when it comes to helping someone else out, or being helpful, especially if it's towards other females, he's all gung ho and willing and enthusiastic. This fuels my insecurity.

 

I'm not advocating that he takes your depression lightly - in fact i am doing the opposite - i am going to say if your depression is that bad, why don't you go to see a therapist? And that maybe he is wondering the same and that's why he isn't that attentive because he just wants you to deal with it. He obviously doesn't want to deal with it.

Not all men are like this. Some will gush over the smallest drama you have and comfort you and reassure you all the time. If you want that, this is not the man for you. There's no right or wrong.

 

Decide what your priorities are when seeking out a life partner.

 

And do see a therapist about your depression!

[ingenue]

I'm not advocating that he takes your depression lightly - in fact i am doing the opposite - i am going to say if your depression is that bad, why don't you go to see a therapist? And that maybe he is wondering the same and that's why he isn't that attentive because he just wants you to deal with it. He obviously doesn't want to deal with it.

Not all men are like this. Some will gush over the smallest drama you have and comfort you and reassure you all the time. If you want that, this is not the man for you. There's no right or wrong.

 

Decide what your priorities are when seeking out a life partner.

 

And do see a therapist about your depression!

 

I have sought professional help, and know how to combat it. I am doing this without any medication btw, and I doing just fine.

 

There have been events that happened over the last several months that have caused me to be more sensitive and irritable than usual. One, one of my best friends died from suicide in October. That propelled a series of awful bouts of sadness.

 

He has mentioned that I am not that happy go lucky girl he thought I was. That I take too many naps... that I've become lazy... that I used to do xyz and now I don't... and he's affected by my lack of motivation... etc.

 

Anyway, I know he is not going to be the person who will cater every single emotion. That's not the type of man I want--I've found that type to be more of an enabler to my depression--but I do want someone who is sincerely concerned about me, and am struggling with whether or not he cares at all.

[Rising100]

I see what u mean now.

Have u discussed this with friends and people who know both of you?

[Ksol9]

Thoughts become things. If you are constantly thinking negatively about your relationship..i.e. Maybe he doesn't really love me, maybe he wants to be with other women, maybe he doesn't love me as much as he loves her..things like that will erode intimacy. Try to change your mindset. Be positive and confident in the love you share. It is only then it will grow and flourish.

 

Take a time out to assess and really think about everything. Hope it works out. Good luck.

[abitbroken]

Okay... here is an example of his lack of empathy...

 

He knows I struggle with depression. He thinks that's something I should snap out of. He thinks that because when I am in my bouts of depression, I take naps (from being mentally exhausted) and that makes me lazy. He has no empathy for how difficult it really is for me.

 

But then when it comes to helping someone else out, or being helpful, especially if it's towards other females, he's all gung ho and willing and enthusiastic. This fuels my insecurity.

 

people who don't struggle with depression cannot relate.

Also, if someone asks him for help doing something concrete, such as picking up something from the airport, driving someone to pick up their car, mowing someone's lawn when that person hurt their back, etc. - that is easy because its straightforward. I bet if you asked him for help with something like that, he'd do it in a heartbeat. But he can't "help" you not be depressed and its unfair when you are depressed to expect him to stay in and lay next to you all day long or read your mind on what he is supposed to do.

 

When you are depressed or feeling like its coming on, it wouldn't hurt to once in awhile go outside and sit in the sunshine instead of taking a nap. it DOES help. It would also help seeing a nutritionist and also getting to the root of things - is it a chemical imbalance that needs to be remedied? Or do you need a mild anxiety med to help you stay out of bed so you can get and process the help you need.

 

It is not clear to me what you actually need him to do. You can't get hm to understand what its like having depression. maybe instead of telling him you napped all day, maybe just schedule dates for when you are feeling better.

 

And watching his dog does not give you permission to snoop.

[abitbroken]

I have sought professional help, and know how to combat it. I am doing this without any medication btw, and I doing just fine.

 

There have been events that happened over the last several months that have caused me to be more sensitive and irritable than usual. One, one of my best friends died from suicide in October. That propelled a series of awful bouts of sadness.

 

He has mentioned that I am not that happy go lucky girl he thought I was. That I take too many naps... that I've become lazy... that I used to do xyz and now I don't... and he's affected by my lack of motivation... etc.

 

Anyway, I know he is not going to be the person who will cater every single emotion. That's not the type of man I want--I've found that type to be more of an enabler to my depression--but I do want someone who is sincerely concerned about me, and am struggling with whether or not he cares at all.

 

Have you sought grief counseling?

 

And even if you are doing it without medication - maybe right now that's not enough - maybe you need to see a nutritionist and maybe you need some other form of outlet to process your grief. Do you exercise? He does care about you, but its hard when someone withdraws.

[WithLove]

Okay... here is an example of his lack of empathy...

 

He knows I struggle with depression. He thinks that's something I should snap out of. He thinks that because when I am in my bouts of depression, I take naps (from being mentally exhausted) and that makes me lazy. He has no empathy for how difficult it really is for me.

 

But then when it comes to helping someone else out, or being helpful, especially if it's towards other females, he's all gung ho and willing and enthusiastic. This fuels my insecurity.

 

You know, one of my past bf's didn't really seem to have a lot of empathy or even patience with my depression, and it left me feeling like he never really understood what I struggled with. I felt like he had no time for the things I faced on a daily basis and it made me feel like I wasn't worth the fight.

 

Do I think you were wrong to invade his privacy? Absolutely. But as you said, you felt the need to justify feelings that were already there, and you did. I think you need to own up to what you found and really embrace that this isn't the man for you.

 

 

Editing to add that if you break it off, telling him you went through his messages really doesn't seem necessary if you're breaking up with him based on prior feelings and intuition. If you feel the need to, then tell him; but it doesn't seem necessary in this case since what you found confirmed what you already knew.

[abitbroken]

You know, one of my past bf's didn't really seem to have a lot of empathy or even patience with my depression, and it left me feeling like he never really understood what I struggled with. I felt like he had no time for the things I faced on a daily basis and it made me feel like I wasn't worth the fight.

 

Do I think you were wrong to invade his privacy? Absolutely. But as you said, you felt the need to justify feelings that were already there, and you did. I think you need to own up to what you found and really embrace that this isn't the man for you.

 

 

Editing to add that if you break it off, telling him you went through his messages really doesn't seem necessary if you're breaking up with him based on prior feelings and intuition. If you feel the need to, then tell him; but it doesn't seem necessary in this case since what you found confirmed what you already knew.

 

I guess i don't understand what messages she found that were so damning. They are so old and happened before she was with him. What did it really prove? That he was loveydovey with someone else in the past? As far as the breakup, if you do it is because you need time to process all thats going on with you and you need to not concentrate on a relationship to do it. He himself said you have changed. So focus on yourself for awhile and work through these things. If you are overwhelmed and sleeping a lot - its time to find a new way to deal with depression

[WithLove]

I guess i don't understand what messages she found that were so damning. They are so old and happened before she was with him. What did it really prove? That he was loveydovey with someone else in the past? As far as the breakup, if you do it is because you need time to process all thats going on with you and you need to not concentrate on a relationship to do it. He himself said you have changed. So focus on yourself for awhile and work through these things. If you are overwhelmed and sleeping a lot - its time to find a new way to deal with depression

 

When she said that he doesn't show her enough empathy or affection anyway, even removing what she found when she snooped, then that is telling me that their relationship needs are not matching anyway, regardless of how he acted in past relationships.

 

OP, was he ever more affectionate or empathetic towards your depression or in general, or has he always been this way? Did you spend 2 years thinking he'd change? This is who he is; this is the person he is choosing to be, and if it isn't on par with who you want in a partner, then you're going to have to do some serious soul-searching.

 

He's valid in telling you that you're not as fun to be around and that you're 'not the same person' as far as activities you used to do etc. As his partner, you should take his feelings into consideration and really ask yourself why this happened and how you can change that. But likewise, part of him being empathetic towards your struggles is that he can try to suggest ways to do things together, as a couple, in order for you to build upon your confidence.

[evad1]

I have sought professional help, and know how to combat it. I am doing this without any medication btw, and I doing just fine.

 

There have been events that happened over the last several months that have caused me to be more sensitive and irritable than usual. One, one of my best friends died from suicide in October. That propelled a series of awful bouts of sadness.

 

He has mentioned that I am not that happy go lucky girl he thought I was. That I take too many naps... that I've become lazy... that I used to do xyz and now I don't... and he's affected by my lack of motivation... etc.

 

Anyway, I know he is not going to be the person who will cater every single emotion. That's not the type of man I want--I've found that type to be more of an enabler to my depression--but I do want someone who is sincerely concerned about me, and am struggling with whether or not he cares at all.

 

Too be fair some people handle things like that differently. My boyfriend he was depressed after his friend died but he never showed it. He kept everything locked up and he can't understand acting the way you just described. I never knew how depressed he was about it until I saw him start breaking down and crying about it 2 years afterwards. If you want someone who is more sympathetic to things like that he may not be the guy for you. It doesn't mean he doesn't care about you though. Maybe he just wants to see you going out and doing things and happy again.

[Wiseman2]

How long have you been dating? What is it you wanted to confirm? Was he on the rebound when you met?

 

Do you think your fears were confirmed? How does this discovery change your perception of the relationship?

he doesn't express the same gushy mushy tendencies towards me. If anything he is very nonchalant and aloof. I did it because I'm trying to determine if my intuitions are correct, that my fears of being someone he's just keeping around to pass the time is probable reality. One can't just say oh yeah, I invaded your privacy and my fears are confirmed, so I think we should break up.

[evad1]

How long have you been dating? What is it you wanted to confirm? Was he on the rebound when you met?

 

Do you think your fears were confirmed? How does this discovery change your perception of the relationship?

 

lol I think she just needs to decide if this relationship is what she really wants since she's not getting what she needs from it. She didn't need to go through his Facebook to confirm anything. ]