Jealous, possessive and insecure boyfriend

[helpmeimdying]

Hi everybody, firstly I am going to say that this will be quite a long post and I hope those who want to help will last till the end and give me some advice on what to do.

 

I am an 18 year old male and currently in a relationship with a wonderful girl. But I think I am ruining this relationship with my jealousy, insecurity and possessiveness. I dont know why but I get jealous super easily so if she talks to other guys, laughs and looks like she is having fun, I will get jealous and unhappy. This leads me to me being worried all the time when she goes out with other guys or when goes to work. I will worry if she will talk to other guys and flirt with them or have contact with them and it is really suffocating for me. I tell her my concerns and she gets upset that I am always worrying and obviously it does not help, it fuels my anger and I become mean and regret afterwards. I tell myself all the time I must change for her but I just cant seem to do so. I am super needy and sensitive so every action of her I take to heart and I will start to think alot and its bad for us. She is becoming more vain now too and she likes to dress up when she goes out and puts on make up which I am not happy with because I see no need to especially when it is not with me but instead with other guys. She always says that I am unreasonable and I guess I really am but I really dont know how to change. I am trying my hardest and it has got to a point where I am really tired. I dont know if I am caring too much and its really tiring. I feel like maybe she will be better off with someone else. She is the friendly sociable outgoing and cheerful type while I am the introvert, loner, quiet type. I dont want to break up with her but it does not seem to be working out. I know there is a problem with me too, maybe some mental illness or what but I really tried to change, still trying, but its really hard. I want to let her live her own life too but I dont know why it is so hard to let go. Both our upbringing are different too. Mine is the more conservative type while her parents encourage her to speak to everyone and get to know everyone. She has everything in life, she is smart and good in sports, national team to be exact and she has never faced any setback in life. Me? I had surgery when I was 15 and I realised no one really cared about me and thats when I lost faith in people around me other than my family. I was depressed and cried everyday to sleep because I thought I had friends but apparently not. I have been dumped and cheated on by my girlfriend of 3 years when I was 16 and I had no one and had to overcome it on my own. At the end of the year, my dearest grandfather passed away and again I lost faith in everyone, I started to ponder about the meaning of life and it was another down period of my life. I never had any real and close friends. I have always been alone. My parents always quarrel too and my dad kind of cheated on my mum when I was younger.

 

If you made it this far reading this long and sob story of mine, I really appreciate it and I hope you can give some advice to me. Should I leave her so that she can be happy or what can I do to change? Thank you so much to those who read everything and are willing to give advice. Please help me because I really dont know where else to look for help and advice.

[Wiseman2]

You have a lot of insight that this is your problem, not hers. Sadly the traits you describe are red flags for becoming an abuser.

 

She will eventually leave, because your depression, insecurity and self-pity are suffocating, stifling and will bring her (or any healthy girl) down.

 

Sorry to say but therapy to sort this out is what you need a lot more than a relationship where you torture yourself and someone else.

I am an 18 year old male.Both our upbringing are different too. Mine is the more conservative type while her parents encourage her to speak to everyone and get to know everyone.

[gebaird]

I was dating a beautiful girl when I was your age, and I let jealousy get the better of me. I ended up losing her as a result, because jealousy tends to create the outcomes it most fears.

 

Please, PLEASE don't tell you girlfriend she can't wear makeup or look nice when she goes out. It's controlling and emotionally abusive. Just because the two of you are dating doesn't mean you have a right to tell her how she should or shouldn't look.

 

Your comment about thinking she may be better off without you is very self-deprecating, and an indication you are suffering from depression and anxiety. If therapy is an option for you, I'd highly recommend it.

 

Whatever happens with this relationship, your primary focus needs to be on working through your issues so you can learn how to love yourself, love others openly and freely, and rise above the negativity that is holding you back.

 

When you feel ready, college would also be a great option. A good education can expose you to new ideas and better ways of thinking and being.

[DancingFool]

Some things you can work on fixing immediately, such as making friends. Find some things that interest you, that you enjoy doing, then do it. Through that you will meet others who are like minded and thus friendships and connections happen and you no longer feel alone and fixated on what you gf is doing. Your life is interesting and fulfilling even without her. So some of that fear will retreat as you no longer rely on limited number of people in your life to be your support. Knowing that you can make friends if you choose to is power in and of itself. A real safety and security blanket. However you do have to develop skills to do it and that just takes time, figuring out a few things and effort.

 

Second thing is how you deal with loss. I think here you would benefit a lot from working with a therapist who specializes in cognitive behavior modification. What it does is help you perceive and handle things differently so that instead of dropping into despair and depression and losing faith in humanity, you actually grieve and move forward in a better way. This is also where you jealousy and control issues are coming from. When you don't have a healthy way to cope with loss and change, fear and thus desire to control come into play, but those things just serve to destroy the very thing you are trying to preserve. You do recognize these issues, so I think you would be super successful at working these things out and improving yourself given the right tools and support from a professional.

 

Third thing is again perception. Nobody has a charmed perfect life and it's important that you understand that. Your girlfriend didn't get to that level of her sport without blood, sweat and tears and more hard work and pain than you can imagine. What you are focusing on is the end result, but nobody, nobody reaches that without major challenges and serious effort and work going into that. Seeing others in this kind of a false light really doesn't serve you well because it makes you feel like you are alone and left to deal with life's challenges while others have everything. Important to understand that those who appear (emphasis added appear) to have everything really do have to work hard at it and give up other things for it that others would deem too important to give up. Everything in life is to gain something, you have to give up something else.

[Matt3939]

Everyone has problems most don't realize it. You seem to be very aware of yours. Thats a good thing. I would see about talking to a professional. The stuff you describe will push her or anyone away eventually. I was on the other end like your gf. You cannot control someone else.

[helpmeimdying]

hi gebaird, thanks for your reply. I am aware that this is an abusive relationship and she will leave sooner or later if I keep this up. However, I really dont know what to do now to change. I always let my anger and jealousy get the better of me and I will start being mean to her and she will get angry. You said you had experience in being the jealous boyfriend and it ended badly. May I know how you got rid of that jealousy in your next few relationships?

[helpmeimdying]

thank you for the detailed comment DancingFool, I dont really think I have the money to see a therapist or a professional so is there any way you think I can solve this problem of mine? I have limited friends and they always look for me when they have emotional problems because I tend to give good advice but I didnt realise that deep down I am actually the one that needs it most, I cant even handle my own relationship. Am I really depressed? I always like to think of myself as emotionally strong. I am working now too so it kind of gets my mind off her when I am working but during my breaks and before/after work hours, I will start thinking about her especially when she is working or out with friends. It is really suffocating actually, for both of us. It is my fault, I am really considering leaving her for her good and so that she will be happy. I will just get over this break up by myself. Should I?

[DancingFool]

You can also try some self help books. Peruse some and see what appeals to you. Some are pretty good in that they give you some constructive exercises to do to help yourself.

 

If you are working, your health insurance may cover counseling, so do look into that. If you go on to college, they offer free on campus counseling.

 

Some therapists and doctors will do some work for free from time to time. When people see that you are determined to fix yourself, you'd be surprised how many people will step up to help you out. Basically, where there is a will, there is a way.

[BigGrizz]

Always remember this. When it comes to girls he who cares the least wins. It sounds kng stupid but I was in your boat for a year and a half. She finally broke up with me so after about 2 weeks of me trying to get her back with the romantic she just wasn't having it. I'd say about a month had gone by and I was barely talking to her. I ready to be done with her. I hadn't talked to her in 2-3 days and that's all it took. Bam she wanted me back. Then I started with the romantic again. Then she started backing out again. Back and forth, back and forth, still can't find an even playing field. Another thing to remember is only show her you care when the situation isn't something you would normally get pissed off about. She's lookin good for a night out kiss her and say damn I can't wait to meet up with you afterwards. I promise once she starts gettin liquored up she'll be going nuts sexting you. Women don't want to look at their significant other as some frail sensitive . I learned the hard way. Hide your feelings that you have about her for the most part and only give her little pieces just don't give her to much love or to much crazy insecure feelings. Calm cool and collected

[BigGrizz]

Jealousy for me came with my relationship. A couple reasons for that. The first one being that I had never felt this way about someone before and the second would be that her piece of ex that she was together with for 3 years would constantly text her, post on her wall on Facebook, the whole 9 yards. Then he stepped his game up telling her that he had written letters and all that saying he was suicidal. He just kept her on the hook because she has the biggest heart ever and she would never want to hurt anyone. he just knew how to keep her texting back. He's a complete spaz. He kicked her door in one night when I was there if I would have had my shotgun with me I would have blew his head off. Her neighbor walking her dogs called the cops because he was screaming outside for a good half hour before he kicked the door in. I'm sorry but if I knew it wouldn't have hurt my girl I wish he would have had the balls to off himself. He has caused so much pain and problems for her it's unreal. I can't even say anything to him because there's always that doubt in my mind that well maybe she's leading him on and keeping him on the hook! She claims it's only about his problems or small talk but I hope something happens here with that soon or I will be gone. I feel stupid for staying knowing that they are still talking.