kar1106 Posted February 1, 2017 Author Share Posted February 1, 2017 = Welll...building a family means starting the family - meaning first comes husband and wife, then come the kids. If you wanted to get married, it is absolutely on you for not asserting your boundaries - for agreeing to have two kids hoping he'll pop the question. If marriage was important to you, then you should have made marriage important - that you should have been clear that you would not start a family before marriage, whether that meant to him or to someone else you met. I know that one can get very hooked on a man - that you don't want to leave because you are in love, but the marriage train is not coming to the station. I don't see him marrying you unless something catastrophic happens and he decides you should be on his health insurance. You can either break things off with him and coparent and get someone to marry you like you deserve, or you can try to convince him - but a guy who doesn't believe in marriage won't marry. If they do, they will quickly divorce or not put forth any effort just to prove marriage doesn't work. Some guys don't feel its important but decide that because their lady does, they get married - not because they are not already committed, but because its just a piece of paper to them, its no big deal for them to make the love of their life happy Marriage is not simply just a piece of paper for me, at all, so i get what you are saying. But he told you who he was in the beginning Actually in the beginning he wanted to get married...and I have my own health insurance. He's the one lacking a 401k and proper health insurance lol but I do appreciate your answer thank you. Link to comment
notalady Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 I just thought people marry for love and loyalty but I guess people need reasons now. Maybe I have the wrong idea of marriage. No, people still marry for love and commitment. Your partner is just not one of them. Although given the cheating, I think it's not so much he doesn't believe in marriage, more so he doesn't want to legalise what he has with you, perhaps still maintaining that freedom to leave without (depending on where you are) as much financial consequences as if you were married. But in general, yes some people will only marry for practical reasons, some people don't believe in marriage at all, and the rest of us still believe in marriage as a commitment and marry because of love. Loyalty is a quality one either possess or doesn't, marriage doesn't change that. Your partner, again, does not seem to possess this quality. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 2, 2017 Share Posted February 2, 2017 Actually in the beginning he wanted to get married...and I have my own health insurance. He's the one lacking a 401k and proper health insurance lol but I do appreciate your answer thank you. He "wanted" to get married - so where was the proposal? He could have told you he was interested to throw you breadcrumbs. Men who want to get married, get married, or if they aren't married but want to, they look for a wife. Its important to them. But it still also rests on you - he wanted to get married - but you were okay with cohabitating and having two kids - so you basically told him it doesn't matter to you either with your actions. And he could talk about commitment all he wants, but if he cheated repeatedly, he doesn't believe in commitment. Its just talk. Stop fooling yourself or thinking that you will do something magical that will make him want to get married tomorrow. I wouldn't want a man who cheated on me or didn't want me. Link to comment
kar1106 Posted February 2, 2017 Author Share Posted February 2, 2017 I was 15 when he felt that way. Can't get married at 15. Novelty wore off, drama set in...by the time I was 18 we'd been through some drama.... Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 2, 2017 Share Posted February 2, 2017 I know you can't roll back time.... but..... now he is not going to do it. So you have to decide what you are going to do. Link to comment
notalady Posted February 2, 2017 Share Posted February 2, 2017 I was 15 when he felt that way. Can't get married at 15. Novelty wore off, drama set in...by the time I was 18 we'd been through some drama.... You're missing the point abitbroken is making. A man who wants to get married, a man who values marriage, would've married you when it was age appropriate. So yes not 15 but certainly by early 20s? A man who wants to marry you wouldn't have had kids with you and still refuse to marry you don't you think? And as abitbroken pointed out, since you proceeded with cohabitation and having children with him, despite protesting how much you wanted marriage, you've shown him in action that it's clearly not as important as you say it is or that you're easily fooled into giving him what he wants (a pseudo wife and family without having to get married). Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 2, 2017 Share Posted February 2, 2017 I was 15 when he felt that way. Can't get married at 15. Novelty wore off, drama set in...by the time I was 18 we'd been through some drama.... So...you took the words of a 15 year old boy to mean that the man he was to become felt the same way? If we all took what was said at 15 as gospel, there would be no accountants or dental hygienists in this world and too many professional guitar players and people with their own tv shows. You're missing the point abitbroken is making. A man who wants to get married, a man who values marriage, would've married you when it was age appropriate. So yes not 15 but certainly by early 20s? A man who wants to marry you wouldn't have had kids with you and still refuse to marry you don't you think? And as abitbroken pointed out, since you proceeded with cohabitation and having children with him, despite protesting how much you wanted marriage, you've shown him in action that it's clearly not as important as you say it is or that you're easily fooled into giving him what he wants (a pseudo wife and family without having to get married). Thank you. That's the point i was trying to make. Why did you have two babies with him and live with him if he didn't marry you first? He can "want to get married" all he wanted, but even if the first baby was unplanned, what made you willingly have a second? Link to comment
kar1106 Posted February 2, 2017 Author Share Posted February 2, 2017 He's 10 years older than me. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 2, 2017 Share Posted February 2, 2017 He's 10 years older than me. He said this when YOU were 15 or HE was 15?? If you were 15 and he was 25, than that's called an inappropriate relationship and statutory rape if you had a physical relationship with him. Of course he promised the little romantic teenager the moon. You were a naive girl then - and you are a woman now who can know better - so do better. He will never marry you - you you have to decide to live with that fact that he may continue to cheat and you are simply the mother of his kids, or you walk away with your dignity. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 2, 2017 Share Posted February 2, 2017 Honestly, if you were my little sister, i'd find out what the statute of limitations were on statutory rape is, and i'd report him. There is precedent - there was a teacher/student relationship where the teacher went to jail irregardless of she and the student being married and having kids at the time of the sentence. The student was a minor at the time so that's all that mattered. He should be glad you are not my younger sister. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 2, 2017 Share Posted February 2, 2017 He's 10 years older than me. Ok - you are doing it again - you are not absorbing the whole point of the post, but picking out or adding one small little detail to negate the rest of it. The gist is still the same - whether he was 10 or 100 years older than you - he won't marry you. So its time to pick up the pieces and decide what you are going to do or not do about it Link to comment
kar1106 Posted February 2, 2017 Author Share Posted February 2, 2017 I'm getting the point just want all the facts straight. Link to comment
kar1106 Posted February 3, 2017 Author Share Posted February 3, 2017 I mean if I believed what my first bf told me I'd be married and I'd have a rock band lol Link to comment
kar1106 Posted February 3, 2017 Author Share Posted February 3, 2017 I get it. I get it. Thank you for all your responses. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 3, 2017 Share Posted February 3, 2017 I mean if I believed what my first bf told me I'd be married and I'd have a rock band lol EExactly, so why do you still believe that this man wants to get married? He tells you every reason he doesn't want to get married. If you are 30 and he is 40 - he just isn't going to marry. I'd consult an attorney to figure out what move is best for you and the kids so that you can establish custody and be free of this - unless you really want this life Link to comment
notalady Posted February 3, 2017 Share Posted February 3, 2017 EExactly, so why do you still believe that this man wants to get married? He tells you every reason he doesn't want to get married. If you are 30 and he is 40 - he just isn't going to marry. I'd consult an attorney to figure out what move is best for you and the kids so that you can establish custody and be free of this - unless you really want this life Let's not forget that he also cheated and still talking to his ex(s). If he simply didn't believe in marriage but everything else in the relationship is going fantastic, and they have two children, I see no reason to separate, and perhaps OP to consider compromising on the marriage requirement. But given that's not the case, the guy has character issues, not only in terms of loyalty but as a 25 year old (a relatively mature adult), to lie to a 15 year old child to get what he wants, then continue over the years to lie about wanting marriage "only if you do this or that", is a major red flag. That, rather than the lack of marriage, I think should be the key consideration for OP as to whether to stay or not. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 3, 2017 Share Posted February 3, 2017 Let's not forget that he also cheated and still talking to his ex(s). If he simply didn't believe in marriage but everything else in the relationship is going fantastic, and they have two children, I see no reason to separate, and perhaps OP to consider compromising on the marriage requirement. But given that's not the case, the guy has character issues, not only in terms of loyalty but as a 25 year old (a relatively mature adult), to lie to a 15 year old child to get what he wants, then continue over the years to lie about wanting marriage "only if you do this or that", is a major red flag. That, rather than the lack of marriage, I think should be the key consideration for OP as to whether to stay or not. Even if he wasn't cheating, telling her that he'll marry "if she loses weight" etc, would be a dealbreaker. Link to comment
fabact Posted February 4, 2017 Share Posted February 4, 2017 Hes cheated on you and won't marry you? Seems like the answer is clear. I'd consider separating all together. IMO he's only staying in this for the kids, in sorry to say. Link to comment
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