Live together, I want to move out but stay together, he says all or nothing

[Nicolie1992]

Hello!

 

I am 24, he’s 23. We have lived together for about a year and 8 months. We have one roommate, his best friend.

 

The first year we lived together was great, but recently it hasn’t been too great at all. Not to the point that i want to break up, but I do think some space can help us figure out if this is what we really want to do.

 

Our lease is ending in march, and one of my best friends is looking for a roommate around the same time. I’ve also never had the experience of living with a girlfriend, and I would like to try it, for better or worse. I lived on my own for two years then with my SO.

 

Our relationship is at the point where I don’t want to commit to another year lease in case we can’t work through our problems, and be stuck and miserable. However, I do want to try to make our relationship work, I’m not ready to give up on this just yet. I think he’s been pretty depressed recently, which is probably adding to our problems...job changes and such, and he's just feeling lost overall. I know it sounds awful to leave him at this time, but the negativity and anger and stress is starting to take a toll on my own health. Also, it’s pretty crowded with the three of us. I get along with his best friend/roommate fine, but I just feel like we don’t have space to breathe or to really be a couple. It's a small apartment, getting a bigger one isn't going to work because rent is stupid here in CO. So I think if we lived separately, the option to go to either his place or mine would be freeing, and exciting(especially since the girl I would live with would often be away with her own SO).

 

He knows my thoughts, and his stance is that if I choose to sign a lease elsewhere when our current one expires, he does not want to continue the relationship because he would see it as taking steps backwards when we should be moving forward. While I see his point, it hurts that he’s so willing to let what we have go just like that instead of at least trying this. It’s not like we’ve been doing great and this decision is just out of the blue…. We have been rocky for a few months now. I think it's a little easier for him to make that ultimatum too because if things do end up turning sour, guess who would be the one who would have to pack up and leave and try to find a new place to live? (Hint: it's not him).

 

Anyway, what should I do? Is he correct in saying that if we don’t continue to live together, we might as well just end it?

 

I’m literally making myself sick over this decision, I really don’t want to lose him,at one point I thought I would marry him and sometimes I still do, but I don’t want to be stuck in a lease if we can’t figure out our problems. It;s only a year, and we are young, I really don't see the problem in trying this. Maybe by next year, if we sort this through, we could afford a place by ourselves too!

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Move out and room with your friend. Signing another lease with someone you're not getting along with is madness. Don't be strong-armed into this with breakup threats. If he wants to break up over this, let him. Tell him sorry we are not getting along living together and it would be unwise to reup that.

Our relationship is at the point where I don’t want to commit to another year lease in case we can’t work through our problems, and be stuck and miserable. and his stance is that if I choose to sign a lease elsewhere when our current one expires, he does not want to continue the relationship because he would see it as taking steps backwards when we should be moving forward.

[Nicolie1992]

Sorry to hear this. Move out and room with your friend. Signing another lease with someone you're not getting along with is madness. Don't be strong-armed into this with breakup threats. If he wants to break up over this, let him. Tell him sorry we are not getting along living together and it would be unwise to reup that.

 

Thanks for this, I am a little suspicious that he's only saying that we'll break up as a "test" or a bullying tactic, but it still scares me that he could be serious and I could lose him. I do feel that if he had his whole heart into this, he wouldn't want to break up over this anymore than I do, and maybe it's a sign. sigh, love sucks sometimes

[Hollyj]

I think that you are on the right track. If you are not happy, and it is affecting your health, then you should make a change.

 

I don't like the fact that he is making threats. If he is willing to split, then he's not the right guy.

[beternal]

It's hurting his ego by you saying you want to try a sort of separation. He doesn't see anything wrong with the situation but you are saying you'd rather move out... it doesn't look good from his point of view and if you did move out, you're basically the one saying it's over (in his eyes).

 

It's not ideal you living with his best friend though, I can see how that sort of gets in the way. Is there any way you can have some dedicated *us* time? - Just the two of you. I think that is what's needed if you're going to give this a chance. I think 'threesomes' (for lack of a better word) are just another way of saying non-committal.

 

If I understand right though, it's either the three of you... or you and you girlfriend. Why is just the two of you in another place not an option? It shows you're serious, that he's serious... and presumably the same rent as you and your girlfriend would be paying.

 

The fact that he's so willing to just let it dissolve should you move out suggests you're more of a convenience than a girlfriend... otherwise he'd have made more of an effort to find a suitable compromise.

[Viceroy]

I say call his bluff, I have a feeling that after a week or so he'll gather his senses. He's probably just a bit scared that you're going to be living elsewhere, it will be a bit of a shock. You've told him you're not giving up just yet- I think you need to continue to hammer that point into him. Just let him know that even though this may feel like a breakup, it's not, the two of you are still a couple. I don't think taking a step back would be a bad idea at all.

 

Your next step now is figuring out how you two are going to work on some of the issues that you've got. Why don't you two go for a walk together for a couple of evenings after dinner (etc...) and talk about some of the big things that are blocking the relationship. Try not to point the finger at anyone, just talk about what's bothering you, hear him out too, and come up with some solutions.

 

Encourage your guy to make time for the gym, it will really help alleviate some of his depression and stress!

[Clio]

I think that your concerns are valid. Multiple people living in a confined space where there is also tension is bad for your relationship and mental health. Have you explained to him what you have written here? Does he not share your concerns? How else does he propose fixing the problem? Unless he has a better idea of how to change things,e.g just the two of you in your own place, I would actually go through with your plan. You guys may not make it or it may be what you need to get out of the rut.

[Nicolie1992]

Thanks everyone, this really is a very difficult decision. I too think he's afraid and is saying he wants to break up out of fear, seeing as how at one point he sarcastically, bitterly said I would just end up seeing other guys or having other guys over...which is ridiculous, I've never cheated on him, but I think it shows his fear.

 

Some mentioned just the two of us getting a place, and I have considered it but dismissed it, because if THAT didn't work either, then we'd both be screwed.Neither of us could afford the cost of a one bedroom alone at this point, since he's in between jobs and I'm a student. At least with a roommate, he'd still have a place to go. I have a few more options than he does as far as finding another place goes, so I'm kind of glad we're living with his best friend, I won't feel so bad about "ditching" him. (for lack of a better expression). He also has a great IT job lined up, his dream job, so I really hope that works out, I think it'd help with his depression, help with his finances, and distract him from the fact that I'm leaving.

 

I'm leaning towards going with a heavy, heavy heart.

[Nicolie1992]

I think that your concerns are valid. . Have you explained to him what you have written here? Does he not share your concerns? How else does he propose fixing the problem? Unless he has a better idea of how to change things,e.g just the two of you in your own place, I would actually go through with your plan. You guys may not make it or it may be what you need to get out of the rut.

 

He knows my concerns, and he agrees that we haven't been happy recently. He mentions how good things were and says that he believes we can get those back, but doesn't really have any solutions as to how. I think we are both changing a lot...I'm in school, he's starting a new job, along with all the other things that come with being in your early-mid twenties, and we may be changing together or separately...it's too early to tell right now, but maybe space to change without pressure to stay together just because of a contract is what we need.

 

The more we discuss this, the more I feel moving out is best, though it's scary and hurts a lot. I think you're right, and maybe we'll get out of this rut and come out stronger.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. Agree with the logical reasoning that living one-on-one together is putting you both in a precarious position, since there is already some strife and suffocating..

 

Secondly nothing dictates that you have to live together to be together...that's nonsense.

 

His jealousy regarding that is something to keep an eye on, that may be part of the suffocating you are feeling. You should, in fact, experience a variety of things in your 20s as students, young adults etc.

[nutbrownhare]

Go ahead with your plans to move out with your girlfriend. You have very sound reasons for doing so, you are not ending the relationship with your boyfriend, and you've made it very clear that that particular door is wide open.

 

I'm guessing that after a bit of huffing and puffing, he'd come round rather than lose you. However, if he doesn't, and goes ahead with the breakup... well, that tells you EVERYTHING you need to know...

[Nicolie1992]

Go ahead with your plans to move out with your girlfriend. You have very sound reasons for doing so, you are not ending the relationship with your boyfriend, and you've made it very clear that that particular door is wide open.

 

I'm guessing that after a bit of huffing and puffing, he'd come round rather than lose you. However, if he doesn't, and goes ahead with the breakup... well, that tells you EVERYTHING you need to know...

 

 

Although it scares me, you're right, if he does break up with me without at least giving this a try, it shows me that he didn't put much value into the worth of our relationship anyways. The only thing that would really change if we did this would be that we aren't financially bound...I'm sure we'd spend the same amount of time together, that is if we wanted to of course. So to end it would be because he didn't really want it in the first place.

[nutbrownhare]

Although it scares me, you're right, if he does break up with me without at least giving this a try, it shows me that he didn't put much value into the worth of our relationship anyways. The only thing that would really change if we did this would be that we aren't financially bound...I'm sure we'd spend the same amount of time together, that is if we wanted to of course. So to end it would be because he didn't really want it in the first place.

 

When my partner and I lived in the same town, we'd sleep together every night; we might have spent the evening together, or either or both of us doing something else. It became apparent that we spent as much time as we would if we DID live together, but had the additional bonus of each of us having our own space as well. It can work really well if you want it to.

 

My guess is that after the initial petulance, he'll come round.

[JaggerJim]

I'd move out, and continue the relationship to see if it gets better. If you sign the lease, your stuck with him for another year!

[ThatwasThen]

Anyway, what should I do? Is he correct in saying that if we don’t continue to live together, we might as well just end it?

 

I’m literally making myself sick over this decision, I really don’t want to lose him

Well, if you really don't want to lose him then have you suggested he get the help he should be getting for his depression and stress and the two of you seeing a couples counselor to help get you back on the right track with one another? You could do that while living where you're currently living and if it doesn't work out after that, then you can leave and find a place that needs another room-mate. Least then you'll know that you tried your best to be lifemates and it just wasn't meant to be.

 

Its understandable that your relationship is rocky when he's in the state he's in. See if he's willing to get help before you decide to leave. If he wont get it, if he won't even make an effort to change things for the better then you might as well just call a spade a spade and admit that there is no way this is going to be your partner for life.

 

Good luck.

[catfeeder]

I'd go and let the chips fall. If you're a meant-to-be deal, he'll find his way back to you. If not, isn't that something you'll want to know?