Help avoiding breaking up

[newbieinlove]

Hey there, thanks in advance for reading and offering any advice you have.

 

I'll sum the situation up in short here before giving the background and full details below. Essentially, my girlfriend decided she doesn't want to be with anyone at the moment because she is going through a period of depression. She thinks I deserve better and wants to keep me away from her for my own good. But I asked her to give it some time and try to keep us together is possible, because it was a very quick decision.

 

So here's for more detail:

 

We met at the start of October, both in first year at uni. She joined my flat for freshers week, I tried to be really friendly just to make her feel welcome. That week we really hit it off and I was very sure she liked me. I was really cautious about getting into anything like that so soon, so didn't make a move. But we kept hanging out and after a couple of weeks, I started to like her. Then a few days later, we got together and went back to hers drunk after a night out (didn't have sex, neither of us wanted to so early, but did do other stuff) and I stayed the night.

 

So we know we kept seeing each other and a few weeks later, we make our relationship official. We were really happy together, having a super time as a couple and things were going great. The end of uni term came along which meant I was to go home for a few weeks and we wouldn't see each other. We were a little sad to be far apart for a while, but it wasn't a big deal. She's fairly local, I'm originally from about 3 hours away.

 

Over the break, we're still happy, calling and talking regularly etc. We plan for me to come back almost a week before the start of this term so we can spend the week together, we made all sorts of plans.

 

Unfortunately, despite being really happy in our relationship, she really struggled with university life and, towards the end of term, began to feel quite depressed. In particular, she struggled to get on with her flatmates as she is very extroverted and they are all very insular and did not really socialise, so she felt quite isolated in her flat. And then she relied on me quite heavily, because my flat became her friends and we spent a lot of time together. Both socially because we joined a lot of the same societies and had the same friends, but also I spent most nights with her when she wasn't working night shifts.

 

She was open with me about her feeling depressed, but we didn't do anything about it because Christmas holidays were close and we hoped going home would help her. Sadly, it's had the opposite effect. She spent a lot of time at home just dreading having to come back to uni. I had asked if she wanted to cancel going back early but she had work Thursday night so was still going to come. When it came to Monday, the day before we were due to both arrive, she decided she couldn't come back on Tuesday and would stay at home that night. This, as it turns out, was when she thought she needed to break up with me. In that moment she said "I don't think I can be the person you need me to be". I told her to stop at that point, and that we'd talk another time, because she was emotional and it wasn't a good time to be thinking things like that.

 

So Tuesday comes and I've arrived back. I wanted to wait to talk about the night before until she arrived on Wednesday, so it would be face to face. But she really wanted to talk so I agreed to call her that night. This is where she tells me she doesn't want to be with anyone at the moment, but can't actually say the words we're breaking up. Initially, I barely react, we chat for a few hours, we're talking about how it's going to be now and all that, chatting exactly as we normally would on the phone. She says she understands if I can't talk to her anymore, but I still want to be friends because I like her and care about her, plus all my friends are her friends at uni. I take it really well and we both seem quite happy talking away.

 

Then a few hours later, it starts to sink in what just happened and I feel a real sadness about it. But it felt in that moment like a defeated sadness, because I completely understand why she feels the way she does. I eventually go to sleep pretty sad but still understanding. At 3am, I wake up and it truly hits me. At first I thought I dreamed it but then I realised it had really happened. I just started to cry and lay there for hours, awake and so upset. I really had not expected such a happy relationship to end so suddenly, so I think I had just been in shock when she told me before.

 

The next day, she texted to see if I was okay, and I was honest. I said no. She felt awful, but we still care about each other so much, she came that evening to see me. I'd spent the whole day in bed because I decided it was best to let myself feel it for a day and then get back on with my life. Thing is, with so much time to think when I'm very emotional, I came up with a plan. I really don't give up easily, and I'm not going to just accept losing our relationship easily.

After she arrived, we lay in bed for a while and cuddled, and we both cried.

 

But eventually, we talked and I told her what I felt. That I didn't think it was the right choice. I felt she was pushing me away as part of isolating herself (one of the symptoms of depression) and that she had based breaking up on the idea that me being around her would hurt me more, not on the reality of anything that had happened. She had said before she "didn't want to mess up my first year" and that she "did not want me to be around her, even though she wanted to be around me".

 

I asked her to do everything she could to bring herself not to break up with me, and only break up as a very last resort. I didn't ask for answer then, I asked her to take as much time as she needed and she said she would. I firmly believe we will be fine together through this, as I am very emotionally stable and also have plenty else going on in my life so I don't rely on her for my happiness.

 

The problem now is, we're both alone in our flats with no one else around and a few things have happened I feel probably haven't helped. She really wanted to ask me to come over to hers on Wednesday after she left, because she was lonely and used to relying on me when she was here. But she said she couldn't ask that because of what had happened. At around 6:30am, we were both awake and she asked me to go over so I did, when again we were cuddly and had breakfast together, before she went to work.

 

Mid-afternoon, I had cooked so I invited her over for food (she cannot cook at all). I was much better but she could tell I was still sad. She get changed out of her work clothes into some of mine, getting changed in front of me, as she had that morning, which should really be a boundary if we're going to split up, and we ended up cuddling in bed. She said about really wanting to kiss me, but knew she shouldn't. But we ended up kissing for a while anyway. But after the last one, she said we need to stop doing that. As well, I had asked whether she needed more time and said a little bit more about my thoughts but she did need more time. One thing that may impact her feelings a little, she thought it wouldn't hurt me for too long but I disagreed and told her a I love her (which is true) for the first time, even though it seems a bit early to be saying it.

 

Later that night, I agreed to go down to her work and walk her back after her late shift, at around 1:30am (I was still awake anyway). It was all fine, although with the occasional moment where we'd go to hold hands but stop. When we got to wear we'd have previously both gone to her flat, we stood and hugged for a long time, again wanting to kiss each other but both pulling away before we could. We then went to our own flats.

 

Today has not been so good. Everything played on my mind for the whole night and this morning. Desperate to see her and resolve it all, I asked to talk this morning even though I know I need to be giving her more time. She ignored the question about me coming over. We later talked about how much it's playing on my mind and later I asked if there was any chance I could come over for a little while tonight. She again said no, and later when I was feeling down again, she said "I can't do this --- I don't want to make you more sad --- you're stressing me out so much".

I was so sorry and said I would stop asking. I know I needed to given her more space about this, but I'm currently alone all day until my flat gets back on Sunday, and she is in the building next door. It plays on my mind so much, it's driving me crazy.

 

I'm now determined to let her come to me when she's ready to talk, and should have a busy day tomorrow to keep me occupied. I'll next see her on Sunday morning, when we get the same train, but I feel as though I should let her bring up talking if she wants to, or not. I also plan to talk to the mutual friend - my housemate - who introduced us when she gets back on Sunday and see what she thinks.

 

My (ex?)girlfriend doesn't seem to understand that, I'm not afraid of being single or that I won't find someone else. But that I don't see why we would throw away a really happy relationship so easily, and that I would rather stay with her and get through this with her, than meet someone new. Even if we break up, I still plan to help her through this as a friend, but I really want us to be together through it.

 

What do you think? Am I doing the right thing now in letting her take as much time as she needs? How badly have I screwed up in pushing for us to talk again? Do you really think that's the only reason she wants to break up with me? Any other thoughts also appreciated. Also this is keeping me occupied this evening which is super helpful!

[abitbroken]

When someone decides they don't want to be with you, there is no repairing it. The best thing to do is to let her go. She just got to the university - its a whole new life - she gets into a relationship immediately with a guy she just met without settling in to college life and she just doesn't want to do it anymore. Respect that. if you hold on, you'll only be miserable.

 

Do not talk to your mutual friend about it, either. Its between you and her. Don't contact her again. The ball is in her court and you need to take the hint.

[newbieinlove]

Would your opinion be the same if I told you has has said she still feel the same about me, she just feels she can't be with anyone at the moment? And that she went from happy to making that decision in a few very emotional hours, not with actual consideration in a calm state of mind?

 

However you may be right, and once we've talked regarding what she thinks now, having giving it a bit more time, I do fully intend to respect her decision and let her go. Assuming she still feels the same that is.

 

Also, she still texts me constantly so she definitely doesn't want to break ties.

[abitbroken]

Would your opinion be the same if I told you has has said she still feel the same about me, she just feels she can't be with anyone at the moment? And that she went from happy to making that decision in a few very emotional hours, not with actual consideration in a calm state of mind?

 

However you may be right, and once we've talked regarding what she thinks now, having giving it a bit more time, I do fully intend to respect her decision and let her go. Assuming she still feels the same that is.

 

Yes. My answer would still be the same. She is attracted to you, yes, but she is also telling you she still cares for you but can't be with "anyone" right now to soften the blow and let you down easy. Do not ask her if she feels the same. She either doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone, or just doesn't want to continue the relationship with you.

[abitbroken]

As far as texting, she is doing so because she doesn't know many people. You need to stop it. Text her back about relevant issues - if she is in your chemistry class, for example, etc, or your building and her building trade off with shoveling. But do not answer "how are you" or "miss you" texts. Don't initiate texting with her either.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like things started out well but she's not happy and struggling with her uni issues.

 

Being in an over-attached, too much, too soon relationship is stifling her and depressing her and adding more on her plate than she can handle.

 

Unfortunately it sounds like you are crowding and smothering her. You need to respect her and give her the space she needs rather than cling on like this. Step way back and stop pleading, begging, convincing, etc.

my girlfriend decided she doesn't want to be with anyone at the moment. She thinks I deserve better and wants to keep me away from her for my own good. She spent a lot of time at home just dreading having to come back to uni. she said "I don't think I can be the person you need me to be". I'm very emotional, I came up with a plan. I really don't give up easily, and I'm not going to just accept losing our relationship easily. she said "I can't do this --- I don't want to make you more sad --- you're stressing me out so much".

[newbieinlove]

Fair enough, hardly happy answers to hear but it sounds like you're right.

 

I guess just step back, hear her out if she wants to talk but completely stop trying to get her to would be the right thing to do here?

[abitbroken]

Fair enough, hardly happy answers to hear but it sounds like you're right.

 

I guess just step back, hear her out if she wants to talk but completely stop trying to get her to would be the right thing to do here?

 

You only dated maybe two months and you are behaving like a woman who was engaged to you or you have been with for years has broken up with you for nebulous reasons and you are needing "answers".

 

Yes, you need to stop trying to get her. Also, don't be prepared to "hear her out" or explain herself anymore than she already has. She doesn't need to plead her case about why she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. Its over. Its done. Treat her like any other person at the university and try to widen your circle to meet other people - make friends, do things with different women and don't get so attached right now.

[catfeeder]

I would stop trying to manipulate her and I'd give her alone time to figure out what she wants. I'd say, "I adore you, and I can picture the two of us together in the future. That's why I'm backing off so you can work through what you want. If you decide that you want for us to be together as BF/GF, then you can contact me to let me know. Otherwise, it makes no sense to keep playing friendzies in some drawn-out breakup drama. That's not good for either of us."

 

You can't 'prevent' someone from wanting what they want, and you can't talk someone into wanting what they don't. Her confusion needs to be her own to work out, because every bit of influence you exert tells her that her choices can't be trusted--so then how is she supposed to trust her choice to go along with what you say?

 

Keeping someone in a constant state of pressure to do what you want isn't helpful to your cause, it erodes both of your ability to trust outcomes. Let an outcome occur, and let her live with it for a while. If she changes her mind, let her get to that place on her own.

 

Head high.

[MissCanuck]

OP, you need to leave her be.

 

Depressed or not, she knows herself and her needs/desires better than you do. If she says she doesn't want to be in a relationship, believe her. You should never have to convince someone to be with you. It's demeaning (to you) and suggests that you don't respect her boundary.

 

The visits and texts need to stop. It is giving you false hope. She will surely understand why you can't have "friendly" chats now. As of right now, she wants to be single and thus she needs to respect that texting you constantly isn't fair. You are comfortable and convenient, but you will never be able to let go if she keeps it up.

 

Also, please don't involve your mutual friend in this. It's not appropriate - the break-up is a private matter between the two of you and I know I sure wouldn't appreciate an ex-boyfriend discussing me or my depressive episode with someone else.

 

Let her go. It's not totally out of the realm of possibility that she might consider reconciliation at some point, but it sure as heck won't happen if you don't give her space and stop trying to pressure her into staying.