Is it truly over? a little weird situation

[lolita]

Hey, I m new at this forum and I would like to share shortly my story with you.

 

I was dating a guy for 2 months, we were very serious about each others from day 1! We both wanted to have a relationship, we were calling each others every day for hours. We even visited a house to move in together, the connection was insane and so much passion between us. Of course we had our fights, particularly a big one over the move in situation. I wasn't pushing him to move in with me, he was also in touch with landlord and we both filled up the application form. 2 days prior submitting the application, he bailed on me, I was very sad but lashed out on him saying he was a commitment phobic and what if he would keep bailing on every more serious steps of the relationship. ( note that his last long relationship ended because he refused to commit and move in with his ex) but I had to give him credit that indeed it was too fast... I gave him a few days to think through and we both agree to just live apart but still being in relationship. I met his sister, he met my friends.

 

As he is currently unemployed, he stayed over my apartment for 2 weeks. Last time he was over, he left behind some clothes so he wouldn't carry so much every time he would come visit. I thought it was a good sign.

 

After that, when he went back to his place ( to his mother house) he started to act strange, pulling away, less calls, less texts. He told me he was going through something and will later explain. After 1 week of mystery and me being miserable. He finally told me he had an addiction problem and was going to attend some meetings to get sober.

 

He told me to stay strong and supportive as he wouldn't be able to see me as often or be in touch with me that often as before. He wanted only to focus 100% into his recovery. I didn't know if it was a lie or if he was really going through it. I could still see that he was enjoying his life, going out with his brother, going on vacation, but every time, I asked to see him. He would say, he can't that its too hard for him.

 

I wouldn't understand why he could still see other people but me? ! Finally One day, he told me that they have advised him at those AA meetings that people in recovery shouldn't be in relationship for at least one year. So he simply told me that he can't see me anymore, that he doesn't know if we should stay friends or casually dating but nothing serious. I gave him the no contact rules for 2 weeks, he never tried to reach me and he blocked me on social media.

 

After 2 weeks , I ve tried to reach him, we exchanged few texts saying we miss each others and that maybe we should talk. I waited 2 days for his phone call which never happened. I finally called him and he told me he was doing really good with the therapy, I asked if he meant the last messages exchanged but he started to act cold again, and gave me the same speech again of not wanting anything serious. When I ask if it means him seeing other girls, he says no, but I keep seeing him adding new girls everyday on his social media. (although I m blocked)

 

Yesterday I reached him out again, and offered him to visit me because I have recently moved out and I wanted to show him the apt (I ve moved in a very near neighborhood of his mother house). He told me he had plans, Friday and Saturday night but would pass by quickly on Sunday. I called him right after and I asked him if he was going on a date or If he was seeing someone but still says no but he said he wouldn't mind me seeing other people. He says he misses me but without the love and that we would talk on Sunday. I don't know what I should do, I love him but he gave me no choices but started to see other people and I was honest with him, I told him I was going on a date this Friday. He seems like he wouldn't believe me at first then seemed a little surprised and sad.

 

Is there any chances this relationship would start again? Is he giving me the talk, " not want serious relationship" because he realized that he is not that into me and want to leave the options opened? Or you truly believe that he just can't focus on anything else and wants to enjoy his life as it is and maybe sleep around like he did last summer?

 

I would be most grateful for your advises and opinions. Thank you.

[j.man]

This...

I was dating a guy for 2 months

and about 0% of this...

we were very serious about each others from day 1! We both wanted to have a relationship, we were calling each others every day for hours. We even visited a house to move in together, the connection was insane and so much passion between us. Of course we had our fights, particularly a big one over the move in situation. I wasn't pushing him to move in with me, he was also in touch with landlord and we both filled up the application form. 2 days prior submitting the application, he bailed on me, I was very sad but lashed out on him saying he was a commitment phobic and what if he would keep bailing on every more serious steps of the relationship. ( note that his last long relationship ended because he refused to commit and move in with his ex) but I had to give him credit that indeed it was too fast... I gave him a few days to think through and we both agree to just live apart but still being in relationship. I met his sister, he met my friends.

 

As he is currently unemployed, he stayed over my apartment for 2 weeks. Last time he was over, he left behind some clothes so he wouldn't carry so much every time he would come visit. I thought it was a good sign.

 

After that, when he went back to his place ( to his mother house) he started to act strange, pulling away, less calls, less texts. He told me he was going through something and will later explain. After 1 week of mystery and me being miserable. He finally told me he had an addiction problem and was going to attend some meetings to get sober.

 

He told me to stay strong and supportive as he wouldn't be able to see me as often or be in touch with me that often as before. He wanted only to focus 100% into his recovery. I didn't know if it was a lie or if he was really going through it. I could still see that he was enjoying his life, going out with his brother, going on vacation, but every time, I asked to see him. He would say, he can't that its too hard for him.

 

I wouldn't understand why he could still see other people but me? ! Finally One day, he told me that they have advised him at those AA meetings that people in recovery shouldn't be in relationship for at least one year. So he simply told me that he can't see me anymore, that he doesn't know if we should stay friends or casually dating but nothing serious. I gave him the no contact rules for 2 weeks, he never tried to reach me and he blocked me on social media.

 

After 2 weeks , I ve tried to reach him, we exchanged few texts saying we miss each others and that maybe we should talk. I waited 2 days for his phone call which never happened. I finally called him and he told me he was doing really good with the therapy, I asked if he meant the last messages exchanged but he started to act cold again, and gave me the same speech again of not wanting anything serious. When I ask if it means him seeing other girls, he says no, but I keep seeing him adding new girls everyday on his social media. (although I m blocked)

 

Yesterday I reached him out again, and offered him to visit me because I have recently moved out and I wanted to show him the apt (I ve moved in a very near neighborhood of his mother house). He told me he had plans, Friday and Saturday night but would pass by quickly on Sunday. I called him right after and I asked him if he was going on a date or If he was seeing someone but still says no but he said he wouldn't mind me seeing other people. He says he misses me but without the love and that we would talk on Sunday. I don't know what I should do, I love him but he gave me no choices but started to see other people and I was honest with him, I told him I was going on a date this Friday. He seems like he wouldn't believe me at first then seemed a little surprised and sad.

 

Is there any chances this relationship would start again? Is he giving me the talk, " not want serious relationship" because he realized that he is not that into me and want to leave the options opened? Or you truly believe that he just can't focus on anything else and wants to enjoy his life as it is and maybe sleep around like he did last summer?

 

I would be most grateful for your advises and opinions. Thank you.

should ever go together

[greta96]

I'm sorry to say, but he has made it exceedingly clear that he doesn't want any kind of involvement with you, and he's done so both verbally and with his actions.

I know it's hard sometimes to let go, but in this case you really need to. I don't know if his problems are real or imaginary, but it is obvious he isn't interested.

[lolita]

So basically you mean, he was never serious at the first place? Don't take me wrong, but I have known people, who dated for 3 months and got married or others that moved in tgt right away. We both in our mid thirties too. I m here to search for answers, not to be criticized on my poor lack or judgment ! Support and advices are welcome.

[lolita]

thanks Greata96. That's what I came to a conclusion besides him saying we will talk this coming Sunday. How from a serious/official dating you can just want to be casual? He also kept our picture on his IG.. I don't know why he doesn't remove it.

[Wiseman2]

Wait wait wait... after 2 mos of dating you were filling out lease forms?

 

To be honest it sounds like he came to his senses and asked himself "what am I doing signing a lease with someone I know 8 weeks?", so he's not a "commitmentphobe he's a commonsensophile.

 

And...wait for it...he's unemployed and filled out a lease form? But it gets better...he's an addict who lives with his mother, but leaving some stuff at your house is "a good sign"?

 

Sorry to say but as messed up as he sounds, he was smart not to sign a lease after 2 mos and to 'focus 100% on his recovery'. It seems hard to tell fact from fiction with all his stories but the truth you do have is that he's done and out and moved on.

I was dating a guy for 2 months.We even visited a house to move in together. Of course we had our fights, particularly a big one over the move in situation. and we both filled up the application form. 2 days prior submitting the application, he bailed on me, I was very sad but lashed out on him saying he was a commitment phobic. he is currently unemployed, he stayed over my apartment for 2 weeks. I thought it was a good sign. he went back to his mother house. He wanted only to focus 100% into his recovery.

[greta96]

thanks Greata96. That's what I came to a conclusion besides him saying we will talk this coming Sunday. How from a serious/official dating you can just want to be casual? He also kept our picture on his IG.. I don't know why he doesn't remove it.

 

Some people are in love with the idea of being in love, and he sounds like he could be one of them. You know that saying, if you burn a candle at both ends it will burn twice as fast...he came on too strongly at the beginning of the relationship, but the passion wasn't fueled by real feelings (how could it, you barely knew one another!), but by lust and pheromones, which is why it lost its appeal so quickly.

Usually when they start out too hot and heavy, it spells trouble in the long run...

[lolita]

Or maybe he felt like in love when he was high as a kite. Sad I really didn't see it coming and even living tgt for 2 weeks I didn't know he was taking that S***. As for Wiseman, I was sad about us not signing that lease but I also came to my senses that it was too soon too fast. After that incident, we were ok again.

And yes I can understand, that unemployed, no living situation and recovered addict, that he would focus first on himself. All I wanted is him to leave a little space for me and help him going through that rough moment of his life. And god knows if his story is even true! Men come up with enormous bulls*** nowadays. We will see when he comes to my house this weekend.

[Reflections11]

i hope you aren't really upset that an unemployed addict didn't end up signing lease papers to move in with you after two months. Holy hell that would have gone bad. You didn't dodge a bullet, you dodged a train. Be happy, let him go, and find someone better. And maybe raise your standards and self esteem a little bit.

[Wiseman2]

It's a great time to pack up his stuff because you may hear even more stuff that may or may not make any sense. It sounds like you dodged a bullet.

I also came to my senses that it was too soon too fast. We will see when he comes to my house this weekend.

[lolita]

No I was ok us not moving in tgt, plus I really like my new place. I didn't know, about, him being unemployed etc at first! I got to know little by little. When we met, he told, me he had just finished a contract and was going to start a new one, but that never happened and got to know he was unemployed for over 8 months. As for living with his mom, he also said, he had move back recently and was searching actively for an apt, that is why the moving tgt started... and finally 3 months after, I ve got to know about the addiction problem. Reading myself make me realize how you guys are right about dodging a bullet! As for his stuff let see if he even ask for them when he comes..

[Wiseman2]

Ok, this is why the dating process of getting to know each other is so crucial. Little untruths and omissions and lies start blossoming into a full blow picture of deceit. All in all you averted a nightmare.

 

Next time date at least a year before even talking about any further steps forward. This way you are not making expensive mistakes and decisions based on a very brief snapshot instead of waiting for patterns and most of all for the hormones to settle down so you can see if you actually even like this person.

 

When things are good they're not going anywhere and there's no rush to tie things up. Rushing as he did was only the heralding red flag with a cascade of more that came.

I didn't know, about, him being unemployed etc at first! I got to know little by little.he had move back recently and was searching actively for an apt, that is why the moving tgt started... and finally 3 months after, I ve got to know about the addiction problem.

[SooSad33]

I was dating a guy for 2 months, we were very serious about each others from day 1! We both wanted to have a relationship, we were calling each others every day for hours. We even visited a house to move in together, the connection was insane and so much passion between us

- Whollay lady.... BREATHE!

 

First.. there is no 'love' here. To have sooo much happen this quickly.. is more a 'dream'.. becoming a freakin nightmare!

 

Seriously.. time to calm down!

 

Let this all be a lesson for YOU. There was no 'love' in this.

NOTHING had developed between the two of you, except some short term lust.

 

A NORMAL, healthy relationship develops over time. You NEED time... communication..trust.. and something to build on. There's no foundation built at all.. in 8 weeks.

He threw you for a helluva loop.

 

So--- lesson learned. Don't fall for this again. Way too much, too fast!

 

Never plan to move into a place with someone you've only known such a short time.

 

Work on getting to know them. The first year is always most critical. You have NO idea IF you're even compatible, yet.

 

I guess you realized here.. and quickly,, that you're not.

 

So... walk away.. and keep walking. This was NOT one for you.