Is it normal to feel attached in every relationship?

[jmann45]

So, ive noticed something that happens every relationship i go through. and i want to clarify it and put it out into words and see if its normal to feel this way.

 

Im 23 and have not been in too many relationships. Im an introvert with a capability of being an extrovert when needed. I work in sales in an extremely soial environment.

 

When im not in a relationship, my everyday life consists of going to school, gym, working, helping my family with their business, and having my own hobbies such as playing guitar, running, gaming, ect. When i meet a girl, im very cocky and funny and fun at first, but then i get into this Phase where everything kinda dims down. This is the phase where i realize i actually like this girl. its usually about a month down the road. I start acting allitle different no matter how hard i try to act like "myself" aka "cocky, funny, allitle caring, ect." I become a more of a boring person. I dont know why. During this phase, the girl, of course, acts like she did from day 1. Except when she wants to go a day without talking during im in this phase, I feel too attached. I hit her back up by texting or calling. Before this phase, I wouldnt have cared whether we didnt talk for a day or a few days. Eventually, the girl backs off, noticing that my vibe is different than day 1, and that i am acting allitle attached. When she leaves me, even after a month, i cant take it. I feel like a broken man. I dont feel like a man at all. All i can do is think about her and the good times we had. I DONT THINK THIS IS NORMAL. i hate feeling like this. Like i need someone in my life.

 

All in all, before a relationship, im completely fine and everyone loves me.. and im fine in the beginning of the relationship too. when it gets to a certain point, i start acting a certain type of way. I noticed this because i have been talking to a girl for a few months now. She left to mexico to her family and told me that she will not have any service there unless she gets a hold of some wi fi. I thought to myself, "perfect, this will give me a chance to really watch myself and the way i act when someone i like, leaves me for a week". I told her its cool. She left on thursday and i waited for a text from her all day before she got to the airport ect, but no text. She got to mexico and ive been feeling so weak. Im trying to do the things i normally would in my daily routine but i cant help but check my phone every 30 minutes. I cant stop thinking about her. and i HATE myself for that. I want to be ME. I want to be MYSELF. I want to be the old cool and relaxed me. What do i need to do in order to do that? Pretend that i dont know her anymore? Block her for a week so i stop thinking about her?

 

I know for a fact that when she gets back in a week, I will be acting like a little puppy just waiting to see her. And the second she says, hey im back lets see eachother tonight, ill excuse all my other plans for her. And i hATE myself for that. How do i stop feeling this way?? Is it normal???? Please advise!! Im going insane trying to figure this out myself.

[Wolfshook]

I think charismaoncommand has video about something similair on youtube,but honestly cant remember the title.

[limichelle]

To be honest and blunt I don't think you should keep up the cocky disinterested part, in fact I don't think you should have it at all! Because you won't find somebody long lasting that way. If you are more vulnerable from the start you will find a girl who accepts that and stays. If you are cocky and then one month later needy it throws girls for a loop.

 

With that being said there is a deep rooted reason you are acting that way in the beginning most likely throwing off your balance for being too attached. Usually this stems from insecurity and fear of abandonment. So you basically have your walls up in the beginning but you are conflicted and don't want to stay that way. So your walls don't come down slowely they come crashing down.

 

It's okay to have an in between and I think a therapist can help you get there.

 

It's okay to have a little bit of a shield but enough vulnerability to let someone in.

 

How you do that? That's where talk therapy comes into play.

 

Lisa

[Billie28]

It happens to everyone when they develop feelings for another. You become vulnerable and realise that you could end up being hurt by the very person you are excited to hear from and see. That's normal but easily overcome with good honest open communication with that person.

 

What's not normal and worrying is that you feel vulnerable about a person you have never met. You have been "talking" for 3 months and haven't met? So you don't know her , you just know her online persona. You could meet her and realise you don't even like her in person or vice versa, my advice is to stop chatting pointlessly online and only chat to those you are willing to meet soon and they are too.

 

You are getting yourself worked up over someone you know nothing about. She could be a he for all you know!

[jmann45]

It happens to everyone when they develop feelings for another. You become vulnerable and realise that you could end up being hurt by the very person you are excited to hear from and see. That's normal but easily overcome with good honest open communication with that person.

 

What's not normal and worrying is that you feel vulnerable about a person you have never met. You have been "talking" for 3 months and haven't met? So you don't know her , you just know her online persona. You could meet her and realise you don't even like her in person or vice versa, my advice is to stop chatting pointlessly online and only chat to those you are willing to meet soon and they are too.

 

You are getting yourself worked up over someone you know nothing about. She could be a he for all you know!

 

Sorry to confuse you, i did not re read what i posted. But yes, we have met. she was a classmate in the beginning and it went from there. but thank you for the advise.

[jmann45]

To be honest and blunt I don't think you should keep up the cocky disinterested part, in fact I don't think you should have it at all! Because you won't find somebody long lasting that way. If you are more vulnerable from the start you will find a girl who accepts that and stays. If you are cocky and then one month later needy it throws girls for a loop.

 

With that being said there is a deep rooted reason you are acting that way in the beginning most likely throwing off your balance for being too attached. Usually this stems from insecurity and fear of abandonment. So you basically have your walls up in the beginning but you are conflicted and don't want to stay that way. So your walls don't come down slowely they come crashing down.

 

It's okay to have an in between and I think a therapist can help you get there.

 

It's okay to have a little bit of a shield but enough vulnerability to let someone in.

 

How you do that? That's where talk therapy comes into play.

 

Lisa

 

Are you saying i should communicate this to her?

 

She had already brought it to my attention that i was actingg allitle different and much "nicer" and less "cocky" and that i have changed. she told me to acknowledge that and go back to being myself because she liked me better that way. she thought that i was acting this way because she was boring me. But little does she know that i have issues.. so i have been trying to act like myself around her like i act around everyone else (friends, family, ect), but its difficult to be Myself when im with her now.. that is the issue.

 

But if i had to explain this to her, should i tell her that i have abandonment issues and my walls usually come crashing down, which is the reason i act different.. and that i will try my best to act "normal" again?

[jmann45]

Im 100% sure that if i told her that, hey we should go back to being friends..blablabla.." and she agreed, if we hung out after that, i would be "myself" again. Because she wouldnt be mine anymore.. if that makes sense. But now that i know we both have a thing for each other, its difficult to be myself for some reason.

[limichelle]

It comes down to you being secure with who you are completely in order to enjoy a relationship. If you are not comfortable with who you are then you won't be yourself around her because you don't know how to be yourself. I also think you may be afraid to commit and that is why you want to only stay friends. You are afraid of keeping someone close to you but get scared if they don't keep you close to them. You see that as abandonment. So it's a vicious cycle. You want love but are afraid of getting hurt. You really need to take a break from dating and be friends with this girl so you can work on yourself.

 

You need to do that to break this pattern you have created.

 

I think you should tell her and be upfront tell her everything that you told us.

 

If she understands she is someone you want to keep in your life.

 

She however may feel as if she can be the one to 'change' you.

She can't and she won't is the truth.

It all comes down to you.

 

Lisa

[jmann45]

It comes down to you being secure with who you are completely in order to enjoy a relationship. If you are not comfortable with who you are then you won't be yourself around her because you don't know how to be yourself. I also think you may be afraid to commit and that is why you want to only stay friends. You are afraid of keeping someone close to you but get scared if they don't keep you close to them. You see that as abandonment. So it's a vicious cycle. You want love but are afraid of getting hurt. You really need to take a break from dating and be friends with this girl so you can work on yourself.

 

You need to do that to break this pattern you have created.

 

I think you should tell her and be upfront tell her everything that you told us.

 

If she understands she is someone you want to keep in your life.

 

She however may feel as if she can be the one to 'change' you.

She can't and she won't is the truth.

It all comes down to you.

 

Lisa

 

Thank you a bunch for this.

 

I did more research on myself and my thinking pattern, and many people recommend starting off with 10 minutes of meditation everyday. I tried it today and i feel MUCH better. Online articles say that this occurs when you focus too much on the future or past and not enough in the present moment. The thoughts and personality change occurs because you start to think about your past relationships and bad experiences. When you meditate it helps your brain practice to focus in the current time and whats happening right now. Also, writing about something youre thankful for everyday, but going into deep details on ONE topic. Such as "i like when my mom cooks food for me because blablabla".. and focus on that one topic. All this is suppose to help me focus on the "present" and not the past. Meditation helped, i am going to start writing. Maybe i can figure this out on my own while she is in Mexico. Who knows..

 

Thank you for all of your help lisa, you clarified things up for me. I think you're 100% right.

[limichelle]

I'm glad I could help!

 

Good luck with everything and keep us updated!

 

Lisa

[catfeeder]

But if i had to explain this to her, should i tell her that i have abandonment issues and my walls usually come crashing down, which is the reason i act different.. and that i will try my best to act "normal" again?

 

No. Dropping 'abandonment issues' in someone's lap is like asking for them to put on a therapy cap. That's too heavy, and I disagree with the suggestion that this is a good way to screen people. Trying to find someone who'll bond with you over an issue is like saying, "This is my unhealthy place, and I'm looking for someone who's unhealthy enough to cater to it."

 

If you're in school, your tuition covers mental health counseling on campus. This is a private issue, and I'd work on it privately. Meanwhile, know that most people have to learn at some point how to manage their vulnerabilities, so this doesn't make you a freak. If you find it too difficult to manage relationships while you're working this out, that's okay--stepping back will prevent you from creating more casualties that just keep cementing you into the problem.

 

It's not uncommon for people to tell others that they're not relationship material at this time in order to preserve future potential once they feel more able to handle it. Otherwise, consider testing how well you can pull back and allow the girl you like to be more of the driver in the timing of contact. This will allow you to learn her patterns, and then you can decide how well you can adapt to those without behaving in ways that deprive you of this valuable information.

 

If you focus more on being an observer of both your own behaviors and hers, you'll be less likely to operate on assumptions and mind spins that drill you into fearful behaviors. Meanwhile, get help from a school therapist who's trained to give you the tools and techniques to manage this stuff.

 

Head high, this is common and nothing to panic about.

[jmann45]

No. Dropping 'abandonment issues' in someone's lap is like asking for them to put on a therapy cap. That's too heavy, and I disagree with the suggestion that this is a good way to screen people. Trying to find someone who'll bond with you over an issue is like saying, "This is my unhealthy place, and I'm looking for someone who's unhealthy enough to cater to it."

 

If you're in school, your tuition covers mental health counseling on campus. This is a private issue, and I'd work on it privately. Meanwhile, know that most people have to learn at some point how to manage their vulnerabilities, so this doesn't make you a freak. If you find it too difficult to manage relationships while you're working this out, that's okay--stepping back will prevent you from creating more casualties that just keep cementing you into the problem.

 

It's not uncommon for people to tell others that they're not relationship material at this time in order to preserve future potential once they feel more able to handle it. Otherwise, consider testing how well you can pull back and allow the girl you like to be more of the driver in the timing of contact. This will allow you to learn her patterns, and then you can decide how well you can adapt to those without behaving in ways that deprive you of this valuable information.

 

If you focus more on being an observer of both your own behaviors and hers, you'll be less likely to operate on assumptions and mind spins that drill you into fearful behaviors. Meanwhile, get help from a school therapist who's trained to give you the tools and techniques to manage this stuff.

 

Head high, this is common and nothing to panic about.

 

Thank you so much for this. i 100% agree about the pulling back part. The thing is, thats what ive been doing, and this girl hits me up every day at least twice over phone call, of which i almost never answer and call her back on my own free time. If were not suppose to see eachother for a day or two, she comes into my work to see me as an excuse of shopping and swinging by. Shes been putting in most of the effort and she is a 10/10, i just know something will go wrong once i start putting in effort to contact her anywhere near as much as she does to me. but at the same time i dont want myself to seem uninterested to her. But i will continue to hold back and let her take the lead in phone calls/texting/ect a majority of the time.

 

Shes 4 years older than me, with much more relationship experience than myself. She had been engaged. I havent been in a relationship for over 4 months..

[catfeeder]

Thank you so much for this. i 100% agree about the pulling back part. The thing is, thats what ive been doing, and this girl hits me up every day at least twice over phone call, of which i almost never answer and call her back on my own free time. If were not suppose to see eachother for a day or two, she comes into my work to see me as an excuse of shopping and swinging by. Shes been putting in most of the effort and she is a 10/10, i just know something will go wrong once i start putting in effort to contact her anywhere near as much as she does to me. but at the same time i dont want myself to seem uninterested to her. But i will continue to hold back and let her take the lead in phone calls/texting/ect a majority of the time.

 

Shes 4 years older than me, with much more relationship experience than myself. She had been engaged. I havent been in a relationship for over 4 months..

 

Balance is the goal, and most people find it the trickiest place to pursue, so they resort to extremes. Those are the scale breaker you fear. So think in terms of a scale, say from 1 to 10. Disinterest on one side, obsession on the other. There's a lot of real estate between those two extremes, so the goal is to plot yourself in the 4 to 7 range.

 

If you research any of the ancient traditions, philosophies and religions, you'll find that a goal of 'balance' or 'centeredness' is the core of most of them. It's why everyone knows what you mean when you use the phrase "off the deep end".

 

So the goal is NOT to shut down reciprocation. It's to learn a partner's pace while learning your own. If either of you are overboard, that's the crash and burn to avoid. So if a new GF is extreme in her contact, the idea is to pull back just enough to find balance--not to keep her tapdancing for your attention. By the same token, the goal is to keep your Self balanced, so you'll avoid the extreme behavior that crashes you on the other side.

 

I hope you'll consider the counseling at school. Your tuition paid for it already, so why not use it? This is a common enough issue for the therapist to be skilled at addressing, and he or she can give you tools and techniques to find your own 'center' and to learn how to operate from that place--consistently.

 

Head high, and enjOy your relationship.

[jmann45]

Balance is the goal, and most people find it the trickiest place to pursue, so they resort to extremes. Those are the scale breaker you fear. So think in terms of a scale, say from 1 to 10. Disinterest on one side, obsession on the other. There's a lot of real estate between those two extremes, so the goal is to plot yourself in the 4 to 7 range.

 

If you research any of the ancient traditions, philosophies and religions, you'll find that a goal of 'balance' or 'centeredness' is the core of most of them. It's why everyone knows what you mean when you use the phrase "off the deep end".

 

So the goal is NOT to shut down reciprocation. It's to learn a partner's pace while learning your own. If either of you are overboard, that's the crash and burn to avoid. So if a new GF is extreme in her contact, the idea is to pull back just enough to find balance--not to keep her tapdancing for your attention. By the same token, the goal is to keep your Self balanced, so you'll avoid the extreme behavior that crashes you on the other side.

 

I hope you'll consider the counseling at school. Your tuition paid for it already, so why not use it? This is a common enough issue for the therapist to be skilled at addressing, and he or she can give you tools and techniques to find your own 'center' and to learn how to operate from that place--consistently.

 

Head high, and enjOy your relationship.

 

You seem like you know exactly what youre talking about. so one more question for you reguarding this relationship. She does not want sex. Ive spent the night many times and a couple times, we got very sexual in bed, all of the other times she pulls my hand away. We got into an argument sort of today and she told me that she doesnt want me touching her at all. She told me that she never even allowed her ex to touch her in that way and they were dating for 6 months, and at the end he left her because he was tired of getting blue balls in bed. But i know her history, she has been around. She has an extremely nice looking body and face and used to tell me a ton of stories of her and other guys from a couple years ago. Im not sure if shes trying to better herself or what.. the least i need is some sensuality when were in bed but she said that she will no longer allow that. She said that if i have a problem with it i may go and she will not regret losing me if thats my reason of leaving. I just dont understand why she allowed me those couple times and not she doesnt want it at all. She even called me the next morning after that night of 'sensuality' and said she really liked it. Which led to the 2nd night.. im just not sure how to convince her, and if i even should.. and why shes acting this way..

[Lone She Wolf]

Firstly...NO, don't try to convince her to have sex with you. Wouldn't you rather have sex with someone who wants to have sex with you instead of someone that you had to convince to have sex with you? Besides, even if you do manage to convince her, she might get resentful later because she expressed her wishes to you and you did not respect them by trying to convince her otherwise.

 

Secondly, my guess is that it's not that she doesn't like sex and sensuality, it's probably BECAUSE she likes it that she's trying to slow things down with you. Just back off the sex and sensuality for a few days and then maybe try talking to her about it. But talk to her in the spirit of understanding her rationale for her decision (NOT to try to convince her) - did she have a bad experience in the past? is she afraid of "being used"? is it for religious reasons (waiting till marriage)? Is she looking for a committed relationship/boyfriend status first? does she want to get to know you better first?

 

In the meantime, have you sought therapy, like catfeeder suggested? If not, you need to do that, because you have issues (we all do so don't feel bad), but your description of what you're like when you actually start developing feelings for someone does not get solved with one 10-minute meditation session. It will take months and that's only if you really put effort into it on a daily basis.

 

Emotional attachment in the sense that you described is NOT normal. Many people will disagree with me, but it's NOT normal to become totally neurotic when you start liking someone. However, just because it's not normal doesn't mean it's not common....unfortunately it's very very common, but just because most people suffer from it doesn't make it normal nor healthy. And we each have a responsibility to bring it under control. That being said - don't hate yourself for becoming totally neurotic, it's not your fault. But even if it's not your fault doesn't take away your responsibility to do something about it. There are many factors that go into it, but for me, these two videos really break it down (if you're not religious, don't let some of the religious terminology scare you, I'm not religious and it still makes sense to me when I think about "the universe" as "God"):

 

and

 

Good luck! Keep us updated ;-)

[NightLily]

I agree with catfeeder and others but I think you should also look for somebody with a similar communication style to you. There are plenty of women who would like regular text checkins through the day and evening phone calls. A good rule of thumb though in dating (I think) is to do something like give and take. They contact you, you respond. Wait for them to respond. Basically, reach out your hand a little and see if they grab it. If they do, continue on together. If they don't, you continue on.

 

Just remember that it is a two way street and the decision to commit to somebody or let down your walls doesn't happen over night. People need space to ease into that. Be consistent in getting to know them but realize there is no rush and no rushing them. Force yourself to focus on other things.

[catfeeder]

But i know her history, she has been around. [...] Im not sure if shes trying to better herself or what.. the least i need is some sensuality when were in bed but she said that she will no longer allow that. She said that if i have a problem with it i may go and she will not regret losing me if thats my reason of leaving.

 

After I had 'been around,' it occurred to me that sex bonds me to a person emotionally--even when he's not good for me. So sex could not become a casual experience for me, and if a guy treated it that way, it broke my heart.

 

I learned that I'd better start being ultra careful about who, exactly, I'll want to bond with. No hooking up, no using sex as a means to gain a commitment, and no using it to build a false intimacy instead of trying to get to know someone outside the bedroom. I'd need to take my time and be clear exactly where I stood with someone--and where I'll want to stand with him.

 

So it sounds like GF is trying to break old habits that never served her well in the past, and may have even gotten her hurt.

 

just dont understand why she allowed me those couple times and not she doesnt want it at all. She even called me the next morning after that night of 'sensuality' and said she really liked it. Which led to the 2nd night.. im just not sure how to convince her, and if i even should.. and why shes acting this way..

 

Nooo... don't try to convince her of anything sexual. She'll resent you for that. Take sex off the table for now, and depending on you, that could mean staying out of her bed.

 

Since she's been with you twice already, she may just need to back up to see if you'll stick around and then set her own pace. If that sounds like a lousy deal to you, then you have a valid complaint. Just don't take it to her, because she's already warned you that she doesn't want to hear it. She'd rather you walk away than pressure her for sex.

 

The goal, if you want to stick around for it, is to build her trust over t.i.m.e. If she's worth it to you, you'll manage that. If she's not worth it to you, then there's your explanation for 'why' she's screening as she is. It doesn't make her 'right' and you 'wrong,' it's just her private decision to manage herself this way.

[Wiseman2]

This is a pickup artist act, it's not "you". After you date for a while you become more relaxed and act like the real you not a comedian or pick up artist. You are an `introvert and actually being yourself.

 

It's exhausting keeping up an act. Don't bother with that cocky routine. it gets real old real fast especially if it's contrived anyway. Furthermore it's playing games with your mind because you believe you got them under false pretenses so you get clingy when you try to be the real you.

 

Skip the pickup artist "cocky, funny, allitle caring, ect" act and attract women the real way by just being yourself, that will knock out tons of insecurity.

When i meet a girl, im very cocky and funny and fun at first. its usually about a month down the road. I start acting allitle different no matter how hard i try to act like "myself" I become a more of a boring person. Except when she wants to go a day without talking during im in this phase, I feel too attached. I hit her back up by texting or calling