Just how over your ex do you need to be to start dating again?

[Krankor]

So my ex-girlfriend dumped me out of the blue about 6 months ago. We weren't together long, but we'd had a history before then. I wasn't expecting it as we'd just made future plans not a week beforehand and took it pretty hard.

 

Since then, I've come to see her as an immature, flaky woman who's also a bit too old for me--she's 48 and I'm 39. But I'm not 100% over her and on a purely emotional level haven't given up the stupid hope that she'll realize her "mistake" and ask for me back. It doesn't help that I still work with her and have to see her regularly.

 

So anyway, I met someone else a few weeks ago. She's 34, attractive, and a lot of fun to be around. We've started seeing each other and things are going well so far. I like her and she seems to really like me. But my ex is still on my mind. It's not nearly as bad as it was a few months ago but it's still there. I genuinely want things to work with this new woman and don't want my ex's memory to interfere, but I also find myself really immaturely letting my ex "overhear" me telling my co-workers about this new woman and how great she is.

 

So, my question: does one need to be 100% over an ex to start dating again?

[Ms Darcy]

Let me ask you another question.

 

Imagine the roles were reversed. You are the new girl. The new girl is you. Let's say you are CRAZY about this new girl. How would you feel about dating someone who has an ex on her mind?

 

In other words, remember how you felt about your ex -- who still had feelings for her ex?

[Krankor]

Let me ask you another question.

 

Imagine the roles were reversed. You are the new girl. The new girl is you. Let's say you are CRAZY about this new girl. How would you feel about dating someone who has an ex on her mind?

 

In other words, remember how you felt about your ex -- who still had feelings for her ex?

True, but she dumped him and went straight to me. He was still texting and calling trying to get her back the whole time. I've had 6 months to process this and other than work have been nc with her. I kind of feel like the more time I spend with this new girl the more I get over my ex. But you do definiteky have a point.

[notalady]

I think working together has made it hard to let her fade from your thoughts. I mean..it's hard not to think about someone when you see them in person.

 

However I think that your hope that she'll realise her mistake and ask for you back and telling co-workers about your new date so the ex can overhear it, are things that make me think you're not over her.

 

When I break up with someone, they might not be off my mind for some time, it's something I can't control, but I know 100% that I don't want them to come back and I would not take them back, I don't care if they realise their "mistake" or if they find out whether I'm dating and I have no interest in knowing their relationship status. Basically a general level of ambivalence towards the ex and the thought of them, that's how I know I'm over them.

[Krankor]

I think working together has made it hard to let her fade from your thoughts. I mean..it's hard not to think about someone when you see them in person.

 

However I think that your hope that she'll realise her mistake and ask for you back and telling co-workers about your new date so the ex can overhear it, are things that make me think you're not over her.

 

When I break up with someone, they might not be off my mind for some time, it's something I can't control, but I know 100% that I don't want them to come back and I would not take them back, I don't care if they realise their "mistake" or if they find out whether I'm dating and I have no interest in knowing their relationship status. Basically a general level of ambivalence towards the ex and the thought of them, that's how I know I'm over them.

Well, part of that hope is so that I can shoot her down and say "No, you had your chance and blew it. Get bent." But that I even still want that much does say something.

[notalady]

Well, part of that hope is so that I can shoot her down and say "No, you had your chance and blew it. Get bent." But that I even still want that much does say something.

 

I know what you mean, and yes it does say something that you still want that. It means you haven't let go of those resentful feelings yet.

 

How are you finding your interactions with the new girl? Are you going at a good pace? I won't suggest stop seeing her completely but I do think you should go slow and give yourself time to process these residual feelings.

[Krankor]

I know what you mean, and yes it does say something that you still want that. It means you haven't let go of those resentful feelings yet.

 

How are you finding your interactions with the new girl? Are you going at a good pace? I won't suggest stop seeing her completely but I do think you should go slow and give yourself time to process these residual feelings.

My interactions with her are good. They are fun and flirtatious and I am enjoying getting to know her. We haven't slept together yet but she's been strongly hinting that this is something she wants in the near future, which wouldn't exactly be taking it slow...

[Ms Darcy]

True, but she dumped him and went straight to me. He was still texting and calling trying to get her back the whole time. I've had 6 months to process this and other than work have been nc with her. I kind of feel like the more time I spend with this new girl the more I get over my ex. But you do definiteky have a point.

 

The point isn't that you have had time to process the relationship. The point is would you like to date someone who is thinking about her ex just as you are thinking about your ex?

[boltnrun]

When you don't care about sticking it to your ex...you're ready to date.

[Jeffbobo]

You said she's an immature, flaky woman that's a bit too old for you. I'm sure you can add a few more items to the list. And that, along with time is how you do it; the negative list I mean, do you think the dumper has a list of positive attributes about you? Nope. They have their list of things that they conjure up when they think of you to justify dumping you.

 

So she dumped you. Have some dignity and don't play lame arse games attempting to rub it in her face that you're seeing someone new. It's petty, pathetic and weak. Value yourself more than that.

 

You're not ready for dating if you can't be 100% emotionally invested in someone new. And using someone new to boost your ego and attempt to get over someone else is never a good idea. Make sure that this isn't the case with the new girl.

[missmarple]

I also find myself really immaturely letting my ex "overhear" me telling my co-workers about this new woman and how great she is.

 

This proves that you're not ready to date, in my opinion. If you were, you wouldn't care if your ex knew about the new woman or not...you'd be focused on making the new relationship work.

[RayF]

How soon? Immediately or whenever you feel up to it.

 

chances are you are not going to meet another love or connection like your ex right away.

 

why not go out and meet a lot of girls, sleep with them hang out etc and see if someone upends up being great enough to take your mind off your ex and enter a relationship with them?

 

some dates will make you miss your ex more, it's inevitable. But there should be no reason as to why you can't and shouldn't get out there and meet new people always and eventually good things will happen.