Should I tell his gf hes cheating and lying

[coralyne]

About a few weeks ago I posted about this guy I was seeing. We had a great connection but he suddenly ghosted me (quit responding to my messages) and he frequently talked about his ex. At the end of the day, he went back to his ex, I found out via social media and I didn't really get closure. But recently after doing some investigating via social media, I found his girlfriends account. Probably creepy on my part but I was looking for closure for myself, I needed closure. Then I found something interesting. It's a picture of "his" dog. I was really shocked because the dog belonged to the other girl. I thought this dog was his, this dog slept at the foot of my bed, I babysat this dog for a few weekends before. And this dog belonged to this other girl he's seeing. I thought it was HIS dog. So I scroll further and I find out this girl was seeing him the same time I was. He was seeing his ex still and then he'd go out of town and see me.

 

I want to start by saying, he's a secretive guy. He doesn't have stable jobs, just random labor jobs he can find (or what he told me) and he travels to them, meaning it isn't odd he's in a different city for a few weeks. I noticed that once he gets past a certain city, he tends to fade out a bit when it comes to texting and calling. But the second he's back in town, he acts like nothing happened. I'm 100% sure that this wasn't an open relationship and that the other woman knows nothing about me or what he does when he "goes away" for work. He didn't go back to his ex, his ex isn't even his ex, he's cheating.

 

I feel like he's a scumbag and I got the closure but my friends keep pushing me to message the woman and talk to her. Part of me wants to stay out of it and part of me wants to tell this woman the truth. I feel ashamed and I feel like I owe her an apology, I didn't know. My friends are really pushing me and saying its the right thing to do and I know deep down it's the decent thing to do. From the looks of social media, this woman has invested a lot time in him. Part of me wants to let it go because it's their relationship and she can have him and finding this out has given me the closure I need. I'm worried that speaking up will come off messy and bitter and will only make me look bad. Then part of me feels guilty for the woman and I'm sure this will happen again with another woman, if it hasn't happened already. I would feel bad if she made some big life altering decision based on him and he isn't being truthful and I picture myself in her place and I would personally want to know. My friends suggest that I do it anonymously by creating another account and message her just to put the clues in her head and that it'll all fall in place. I personally thing that's passive and malicious and I want her to know who I am and be able to ask questions if she needs to. I want to be honest, I want to show proof. Me and this guy were exclusive. This wasn't a hookup this was a relationship. In the beginning I thought I was a placeholder for an ex, when in reality the "ex" wasn't an "ex"

 

He recently messages me again and we chatted for a while, he wants to patch things up with me and he's in town. I don't want this but I'm really still up in the air, Should I tell her and how should I go about it, what should I say and should I say anything.

[coralyne]

I know it's their relationship. I'm not in their relationship. I'm not trying to get in the way of that at all. Ive found my closure but there's this guilt I have that makes me want to apologize whenever I do something wrong. It'll come off as petty and malicious.

[DaNgeRTasTiC]

The effects included you. Hmmm

 

I don't know what I would do in the situation. Personally I would contact her and tell her.

 

I just abhor cheaters and the damage they do. Again....only my opinion

[Wiseman2]

Your friends are wrong and sound vengeful and meddlesome and naive. They want you to stick your neck out like a fool so they can enjoy the bloodsport.

 

Why act like a scorned woman? It's not altruistic, it's spiteful because you feel cheated.

 

He did talk about his "ex" a lot, right? That in itself was enough of a red flag to run but you chose not to. If he's cheating on women they will find out or they don't care.

 

Unbelievable you are still talking to him. Why didn't you blocked him when he ghosted? And even now it's "up in the air"?

 

Honestly, it's time to pull your self-respect together and delete/block this guy, get a better class of friends and move on to date local guys who you know more about before getting this attached and invested.

My friends are really pushing me and saying its the right thing to do and I know deep down it's the decent thing to do. My friends suggest that I do it anonymously by creating another account and message her just to put the clues in her head and that it'll all fall in place.

 

He recently messages me again and we chatted for a while, he wants to patch things up with me and he's in town. I don't want this but I'm really still up in the air

[DaNgeRTasTiC]

Ahh. I missed that part. I didnt know about the red flags.

[zeino]

He recently messages me again and we chatted for a while, he wants to patch things up with me and he's in town. I don't want this but I'm really still up in the air, Should I tell her and how should I go about it, what should I say and should I say anything.

 

If you choose to tell her please remember to add this bit for the sake of honesty so that she has the freedom to make up her mind not only about him but also about the credibility of the sender of this mail.

 

Do you seriously believe you are in a position to attempt to rescue this woman?

 

Between possible urges of avenging or punishing the guy, maybe wishing him to dedicate himself to you and rescue attempts to shed your own trauma, nothing you do will be to save this woman for now. That is your illusion.

 

Please focus on yourself and your own healing after a painful shock.

 

Make decision 1 year later.

 

If you still think she should know, do it. And if her life is altered, she can get a divorce or something. She isn't a victim.

[katrina1980]

I don't think telling her will accomplish anything, except maybe making YOU appear like the bitter ex who hasn't moved on.

 

What makes you think even if you DO tell her, she's gonna believe you? I wouldn't, I would just think you're the psycho ex trying to cause drama and trouble.

 

Then, she will most likely go tell her bf (your ex) what you said, he will deny it up the yin yang, so in the end telling her was just a waste of time and energy anyway.

 

Use that energy to move forward instead of dwelling on what a cheating skumbag he was (or is).

 

You'll be much better off in the long run.

[j.man]

Why complicate your life? Move on and let their relationship be what it will be.

[HeartGoesOn]

"He's a scumbag, and you got your closure", but you're still communicating with him. You're placing yourself in the same position his girlfriend was in, only you're now aware of his game, where she wasn't.

 

Either way, you need to reconsider, stay out of the line of fire, and move on.

[Ms Darcy]

I doubt your friends are really pushing you to do this. Rather, it was probably mentioned and now you are torn because you sort of want to.

 

I agree with the advice to leave it alone.

[coralyne]

I doubt your friends are really pushing you to do this. Rather, it was probably mentioned and now you are torn because you sort of want to.

 

I agree with the advice to leave it alone.

 

When i say "pushing me" i meant urging me to do this because they believe it's the right thing to do. I definitely don't "want to" because it would put me in a terrible and embarrassing position but the whole point of this question is to get other people's take on the situation. Since I made a mistake, do I own up to the mistake or move on.

[Ms Darcy]

You can both own up to it and move on without contacting the woman.

[leseine7]

I was the girl who received a weird email letting me know that my boyfriend was with other girls. I confronted him about it and he convinced me that he had a psycho ex. I believed that for as long as I needed to until I had real evidence of my own that he was a cheater and liar.

 

Here's the thing: relationships with cheaters/players like this rarely work out, so you do not need to be the grenade to their relationship in order to clear up some 'guilt' you have. You really have no clue whatsoever what the story is with their relationship. obviously it appears that he played you/ made you the side chick, whatever, but beyond that you have NO facts to prove he was with her at the same time. By involving yourself further with him, you open yourself up for a lot of damage: for all you know, all parties were aware he was with you when he was. Maybe they were on and off. Maybe he has already talked to her about you being some crazy manipulative girl obsessed with him, just in CASE you do this. You have no clue what kind of scene you'd be busting in on and all it would do is invite more drama into your life.

 

I see a red flag in your comment about being up in the air about seeing him. You need to go no contact, quit stalking him and the people in his life and accept that this is over and it's for the best. Even if you tried to 'clear your guilt', it probably would not help anyone much and would rope you into a toxic situation you are not capable of handling in a healthy way.

[rayfutz]

I know it's their relationship. I'm not in their relationship. I'm not trying to get in the way of that at all. Ive found my closure but there's this guilt I have that makes me want to apologize whenever I do something wrong. It'll come off as petty and malicious.

 

Well you already are in the way of their relationship, its a done thing. I do think you should send her pictures or tell her something. Poor girl deserves a good decent guy, and she might be thinking its him. You are the only one with the power to tell her; wouldn't you like to find out this was going on if you were in her shoes? Yeah tell her, hes getting whatever comes to him. hopefully between the two of you, word will spread.

 

If you cant handle the drama, fine. If you can, you are saving this girl a lot of heartbreak. Its not your fault you were with him and he was with someone else. He didn't tell you. So don't feel guilty. I think just the fact that you are direct and open with her about it will show her you mean it, and you are coming to help her. So bring out your phone, some pictures and stuff to show her, and get in touch with her

[Wiseman2]

Your social media creeping and speculation is not a reason to contact her. What facts do you have besides dog pics? What if they stayed in touch because of the dog? Or were friends? Or were on/off?

 

You in fact know nothing and your friends are cheering you on to sound like a bunny boiler and message this woman you only "know" through social media creeping and speculation and interpretation of dog pics?

 

It didn't work out, he was from out of town, he wasn't open, he talked about an ex. These are the real red flags not dog pics on social media.

he went back to his ex, I found out via social media. It's a picture of "his" dog. I was really shocked because the dog belonged to the other girl. I scroll further and I find out this girl was seeing him the same time I was.

[coralyne]

Your social media creeping and speculation is not a reason to contact her. What facts do you have besides dog pics? What if they stayed in touch because of the dog? Or were friends? Or were on/off?

 

You in fact know nothing and your friends are cheering you on to sound like a bunny boiler and message this woman you only "know" through social media creeping and speculation and interpretation of dog pics?

 

It didn't work out, he was from out of town, he wasn't open, he talked about an ex. These are the real red flags not dog pics on social media.

 

I had my suspensions based on clues. Him never letting me see his phone. Him disappearing for days. I had a awkward run in roommate's girlfriend (in the city I'm in, the guy who let's him stay while he's in town) where she was sort of shocked and confused to meet me when I first came in contact with her. It was a weird tense moment. Again, since I'm an idiot, I didn't see this as a red flag and I didn't think much of it. Looking back, I personally feel like his roommates girlfriend knew about this but didn't feel like it was her place to say something. We were sort of friends, went out for drinks a few times. This was very early on in my relationship with him. As the relationship progressed she sort of spaced herself away. I definitely had suspensions and the dog pic confirmed it.

[rayfutz]

I had my suspensions based on clues. Him never letting me see his phone. Him disappearing for days. I had a awkward run in roommate's girlfriend (in the city I'm in, the guy who let's him stay while he's in town) where she was sort of shocked and confused to meet me when I first came in contact with her. It was a weird tense moment. Again, since I'm an idiot, I didn't see this as a red flag and I didn't think much of it. Looking back, I personally feel like his roommates girlfriend knew about this but didn't feel like it was her place to say something. We were sort of friends, went out for drinks a few times. This was very early on in my relationship with him. As the relationship progressed she sort of spaced herself away. I definitely had suspensions and the dog pic confirmed it.

 

Sounds like you need to confront her then. Tell her something seems off and you feel like he is hiding something from you. I would not accuse her of knowing anything, but simply ask her if she knows anything you might need to know cause you have a terrible gut feeling that isnt going away

[coralyne]

Funny thing is. It's sort of the same position I'm in. It isn't my place to say something, in fact me saying something will most likely push them together even more. When I say I'm "up in the air" I meant I'm up in the air about telling her. My feelings for him are over. If I do tell her, I have no intentions on getting with him. Telling her isn't for my own personal gain. If he cheats now, he'll cheat again.

 

It is in fact, very clear he doesn't want me. I mentioned in another post that he ghosted me. In my mind, he already made a choice. I'm okay and I'm ready to move on and accept that. I'm not okay with my part in the situation. I don't go around dreaming of being a side chick. It's actually humiliating how blind I was to the situation. Honestly, I can make a clean break and not give a that my actions hurt someone or I can own up to it. It's easier for me to just walk away, I got the clean break.

 

The issue is, someone knew he was cheating with me and they didn't care to tell me. I could've be saved the heartbreak and confusion. I'm not going to tell her based on some of the comments on here. He is very sloppy and despite the fact of being loveblind if I sat down with myself and actually counted the red flags. I could've known a lot sooner. Even though I no longer have plans on telling her, I feel like all I would need to do is plant a seed or mention it, even if she doesn't believe me, he says I'm a crazy ex or something. But my intentions to tell her are pure. The adult in me knows this would be humiliating, he'll paint me in the wrong light and I'll be exposing myself. He's not going to own up to it, he's going to lie and deny it. Although I no longer have plans to tell her, when I posted this, I wanted her to have the chance to ask questions and ask for proof because I have plenty. I also wanted her to know I didn't know about her. I knew of her as an ex the whole time. I had no idea. I wasn't trying to break them up. I met this "great" guy in my city, he had a job in my city and he had a roommate in my city. As far as I knew, this guy was local and just had work trips a lot.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately nothing you do will paint you in a positive light because he's the secretive one and you are just collateral damage of him possibly stringing a few women along or seeing you while they were on break,etc..

 

It would be best to journal all these insights and feelings rather than make a fool of yourself by inflicting your hypotheses on others because you felt hurt and cheated that he ghosted and are coming up with theories as to why.

 

For example you could reread all the red flags that you see now in hindsight before you start dating anyone again. That is very valuable insight.

I met this "great" guy in my city, he had a job in my city and he had a roommate in my city. As far as I knew, this guy was local and just had work trips a lot.