Am I missing something?

[citricacid]

I think it would be silly to give up on a guy you really like over something like this, but that's me- you're entitled to do (and feel) whatever you want. If he does this over and over, sure, obviously you are not a priority, but give him a break on this one.

 

It IS possible he didn't get the message, but who knows. My boyfriend sent a message the other morning, asking what I wanted to do that night, and I DID text him back. Later that evening he texted me 'are you even alive?' So turns out he didn't get my text. I know it's more likely that your boyfriend chose to ignore the text, but I'm just throwing this possibility out there.

 

I don't understand why you'd ignore him, no matter what you feel, seeing as you yourself seem to think being ignored is offensive. When he said to let him know if you wanted to do something that week, you should say either 'yes, how about this day' or just break it off with him, if that's what you'd rather. Because ignoring a text message is rude. Right?

 

Don't try to manipulate the situation by ignoring him as some sort of punishment.

Just text him back something open and honest.

Honesty is a good thing.

 

I'm not ignoring him to ignore him. I just want to figure out how exactly I want to respond, whether that means accepting another date, or ending it with him. But agreed, I would never ignore someone to gain something from him.

[JaggerJim]

I think you should accept another date and hit him up about what happened over the weekend.

 

Dating is so murky at the start, there are no rules. Sometimes you feel so stupid for asking such basic questions. But it annoys you, and he strayed away from his normal behaviour that you are used too. So of course it feels "off" and "not right".

 

So to fix it, I think you should go on another date (if he asks, don't you dare ask) and suss it from there. If he does it again, it would be a deal-breaker for me.

[katrina1980]

I think you should accept another date and hit him up about what happened over the weekend.

 

Dating is so murky at the start, there are no rules. Sometimes you feel so stupid for asking such basic questions. But it annoys you, and he strayed away from his normal behaviour that you are used too. So of course it feels "off" and "not right".

 

So to fix it, I think you should go on another date (if he asks, don't you dare ask) and suss it from there. If he does it again, it would be a deal-breaker for me.

 

I actually like this^ advice.

 

I tend to react very emotionally at times (at first), but then after while calm down and view things more objectively.

 

So yeah do what JJ advises. One more date (if he calls today or tomorrow) and as JJ said "hit him up" about what happened last weekend.

 

Assure him it was OKAY he made other plans but NOT okay to just ignore your confirm message.

[IAmFCA]

One of my own areas of growth in recent years has been to find middle ground. To resolve, and then choose what I want to do with that new understanding. I'm much steadier in relationship than before.

[Ms Darcy]

I agree that it isn't a big deal that the plans didn't actually materialize. It's really the lack of courtesy of not responding saying "sorry, too busy this weekend."

I guess I really just wanted to see if other people would see this as a red flag, or if I was overreacting.

Appreciate your advice.

 

I don't see it as a "red flag" per se. It's just a sign that he's losing interest. And it may be time to move on.

[katrina1980]

I don't see it as a "red flag" per se. It's just a sign that he's losing interest. And it may be time to move on.

 

I think him losing interest IS a red flag.

 

And because he is losing interest, he didn't care that he ignored her, or waited until 11:30 PM the next night to text her again, or to even care whether or not they go out out again.

 

If SHE wants to, okay he'll squeeze it in somehow, to appease her (so he can keep having sex with her).

 

This is how my negative side interprets his recent text.

 

On the other hand, my positive side says IF he calls and asks you out on a proper date, talk to him about it. Gauge his reaction.

[Ms Darcy]

I think him losing interest IS a red flag..

 

Not really. Red flags are deal breakers to stop dating. If someone is losing interest, I personally think they are trying to disappear on you. So, there's no flag to signal that you should stop dating them .... he or she is already on the way out.

 

It's like saying it's a red flag that a man "left you." Nope. That's the end. Red flags would have come before that.

[katrina1980]

Not really. Red flags are deal breakers to stop dating. If someone is losing interest, I personally think they are trying to disappear on you. So, there's no flag to signal that you should stop dating them .... he or she is already on the way out.

 

I see, okay.

 

Since I always try to be as open minded as possible, I will consider this. As in RED FLAG = FULL STOP. DONE.

 

I always thought a red flag is a warning that something "may" not be right, and to be a cautious and tread carefully, but perhaps that is a "pink" flag?

[Ms Darcy]

I see, okay.

 

Since I always try to be as open minded as possible, I will consider this. As in RED FLAG = FULL STOP. DONE.

 

I always thought a red flag is a warning that something "may" not be right, and to be a cautious and tread carefully, but perhaps that is a "pink" flag?

 

I personally try to be careful with the term red flag. Because when everything is a red flag, then you don't know what the REAL dealbreaker is.

 

So yeah, I think a lot of things are really "yellow" flags ... They are signs to use caution and observe. But you don't necessarily have to pump the breaks quite yet.

[DancingFool]

Personally, I think that they've spent way way way too much time together in just a one month. So he wanted a weekend to himself, but probably unsure how to communicate that to her without upsetting her and coming off the wrong way. Regardless, he managed to do exactly what he didn't want.

 

In her shoes, I'd simply address it with him like two adults. First I'd ask him if he got the text and then if he says yes, I'd simply tell him that if he has other plans or even none and just wants alone time, that's fine. He needs to tell me so and to never ever just ignore me again. I don't have a problem with him not feeling like going out, but major problem with ignoring the text when a simple "no, sorry" would have sufficed.

 

Then go from there and see how things are. The situation is simply too new to be leaping to conclusions in either direction. This is a case where you need more information to make a decision and actually learn more how the other operates at large. Now if after clarifying your communication expectations he continues to ignore you any time he doesn't feel like doing something with you, dump him.

[katrina1980]

I personally try to be careful with the term red flag. Because when everything is a red flag, then you don't know what the REAL dealbreaker is.

 

So yeah, I think a lot of things are really "yellow" flags ... They are signs to use caution and observe. But you don't necessarily have to pump the breaks quite yet.

 

I always do that regardless, especially in early days.

 

With my new guy, dating for a little over a month and exclusive, so far it's been 'nearly' perfect (I would say 100% perfect but NOTHING is ever perfect) and I still exercise caution and observe.

 

I just think that's a good rule of thumb to follow in general.

 

For the man too!

[citricacid]

Thanks for all the advice.

I decided to call him last night and he didnt answer or return my call, so that answers that.

[IAmFCA]

I think you're right. Still, let's give him a day to respond, no?

 

I have a man in my orbit who immediately texts when he can't answer, though he often seems indifferent to me in general. Its so hard to tell what someone would do except by using the person themselves as a guide.

[lvlv5]

He's hiding something and wants to see if he can get away with not telling you what it is, he still wants to see you but seems to keep you at arms length

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Did you sense or suspect he was doing the fade out?

I decided to call him last night and he didnt answer or return my call, so that answers that.

[citricacid]

Sorry to hear this. Did you sense or suspect he was doing the fade out?

 

No, no signs at all, and usually I'm quite receptive to the fade out.

[citricacid]

My gut says he met someone while he was out Friday night, because that seems to be the most logical explanation.

[katrina1980]

I'm in no rush to be exclusive with him, or really anyone. I don't think whether we were exclusive or not really changes this.

 

My gut says he met someone while he was out Friday night, because that seems to be the most logical explanation.

 

 

Whether he met her Friday night or another night, I agree. He had another date Saturday night and is now focused on her.

 

Just out of curiosity though, and I am NOT judging I promise.

 

But why were you not interested in being exclusive?

 

Exclusivity does not mean "commitment," just that you're dating and having sex ONLY with each other, focusing on each other to see where it would lead.

 

Did you not like him enough? Hoping to meet someone better or with whom you are more compatible?

 

Did HE know you felt that way.... that you preferred to keep options OPEN?

 

Or were you just trying to be the "cool chick," and didn't want to pressure him? BTDT by the way.

 

Just my experience but when a man is really into a woman, her dating and having sex with other guys (or keeping options open to do so) would NOT go over well.

 

He may not tell her this, just pull back because of it. Do you think it's possible that is what happened with him?

 

Again not judging, I just find it curious after four weeks of dating (and I presume having sex?) you didn't wish to be exclusive.

[citricacid]

Whether he met her Friday night or another night, I agree. He had another date Saturday night and is now focused on her.

 

Just out of curiosity though, and I am NOT judging I promise.

 

But why were you not interested in being exclusive?

 

Exclusivity does not mean "commitment," just that you're dating and having sex ONLY with each other, focusing on each other to see where it would lead.

 

Did you not like him enough? Hoping to meet someone better or with whom you are more compatible?

 

Did HE know you felt that way.... that you preferred to keep options OPEN?

 

Or were you just trying to be the "cool chick," and didn't want to pressure him? BTDT by the way.

 

Just my experience but when a man is really into a woman, her dating and having sex with other guys (or keeping options open to do so) would NOT go over well.

 

He may not tell her this, just pull back because of it. Do you think it's possible that is what happened with him?

 

Again not judging, I just find it curious after four weeks of dating (and I presume having sex?) you didn't wish to be exclusive.

 

I just wasn't at a point where I wanted to have a conversation with him about exclusivity. I think 4 weeks is too soon for that. I wasn't having sex with him, either, nor was I dating others, but that's just because I'm too busy to think about dating more than one person at a time. I certainly was very happy with him, and imagined it progressing in the direction of a relationship.

[katrina1980]

I just wasn't at a point where I wanted to have a conversation with him about exclusivity.

 

I think 4 weeks is too soon for that. I wasn't having sex with him, either, nor was I dating others, but that's just because I'm too busy to think about dating more than one person at a time. I certainly was very happy with him, and imagined it progressing in the direction of a relationship.

 

Fair enough but if I had to venture I guess... it may have been moving too slow for him.

 

Four weeks in (spending 2-3 nights a week together) and no sex? Certainly your prerogative, but don't know a lot of men who would have waited that long.... NOT because he wasn't into you.

 

He may have interpreted that as you not being all that attracted to him.

 

There a tons of threads on this forum and others attesting to that.

 

So that may have been a factor, maybe not, hard to say.

 

Guess there is more to this than we originally thought though, I presumed since you said the chemistry was strong, you guys were having sex.

 

That's usually how it goes.

 

Anyhoo, sorry this doesn't appear to be working out how you hoped.

 

He may still call you though (return your call).... if he does you can see how you feel then.

[citricacid]

Fair enough but if I had to venture I guess... it may have been moving too slow for him.

 

Four weeks in (spending 2-3 nights a week together) and no sex? Certainly your prerogative, but don't know a lot of men who would have waited that long.... NOT because he wasn't into you.

 

He may have interpreted that as you not being all that attracted to him.

 

There a tons of threads on this forum and others attesting to that.

 

So that may have been a factor, maybe not, hard to say.

 

Guess there is more to this than we originally thought though, I presumed since you said the chemistry was strong, you guys were having sex.

 

That's usually how it goes.

 

Anyhoo, sorry this doesn't appear to be working out how you hoped.

 

He may still call you though (return your call).... if he does you can see how you feel then.

 

I was always very open that I wouldn't sleep with him before exclusivity; he said he's in no rush to get there and wants to take things slowly, and he never pressured me. Although perhaps that's part of him vanishing. Oh well, back to the dating pool I go!

[katrina1980]

I was always very open that I wouldn't sleep with him before exclusivity; he said he's in no rush to get there and wants to take things slowly, and he never pressured me. Although perhaps that's part of him vanishing. Oh well, back to the dating pool I go!

 

That's the attitude!

 

Re bolded, couldn't help but chuckle, just from reading this forum, and others, I can't tell ya how many times I have heard this.

 

Of course he's in no rush and willing to take it "slow."

 

If he wanted to continue dating you (and hoping to eventually have sex with you), what else was he gonna say?

 

Anyway, nuff said about him.... time to move forward!

[Wiseman2]

That's very possible one month in with an abrupt change in the communication and dating pattern. Have you heard from him?

My gut says he met someone while he was out Friday night, because that seems to be the most logical explanation.

[KantSleep]

Lot's of advice here... If I had tentative plans and he did not respond to my text, I'd be put off. The late night lukewarm "we can do something this week if you want." is not very encouraging, unless he did not get your text - which I have had happen... Let's assume he did get it. His above stated text would be it for me. The fact that you have since called him and he hasn't called you back is too bad. Something happened and he doesn't feel he owes you an explanation. View it as his loss. You sound like a thoughtful person - you will find someone who values you enough to answer your texts and not cancel plans by ghosting you. Good luck.

[Batya33]

It's not about exclusivity -I would have been put off too same as I would be with a platonic friend. First I would have wanted to know if there was some sort of emergency situation but barring that, disrespectful to treat you/your time that way. I like your attitude about moving on.