Can you help me figure things out

[Tinkyonks]

So here the thing... yesterday I broke up with my boyfriend of 2.5 years who I thought was fantastic. I've been thinking about the relationship though and realised that it wasn't as great, HE wasn't as great as I had thought. He was generous and not abusive and not a womaniser, and 'normal', not bored easily, happy to just chill out or go for walks. But he wasn't very attentive. He would kiss me hello and goodbye, but apart from that i would be the instigator of cuddles and intimacy. The more I think about the relationship the more I realise how much I was instigating.

 

So I'm slowly coming to the realisation that breaking up is the right thing to do, because I do like affection and intimacy and believe it's a need, not a want.

 

So, here's the problem. The first thing I did was think about an ex. I felt alone and rejected and started thinking about him. I asked myself why, because this man was so abusive and nasty and almost destroyed me. I was so confused why I was thinking about him.

 

I figured out that despite the abuse he had a way of making me feel special, sounds weird but if you know about dv you will understand. This made me realised that I didn't feel special in my current relationship. I haven't felt special for ages, not sexy or attractive and I couldn't tell you what my bf (until yesterday) loved about me.

 

Then I realised that this isn't the wonderful relationship I'd made it into in my mind, how can it be wonderful if I don't feel special Right?

 

The trouble is, I have a history of dating emotionally unavailable, abuse men. My bar is pretty low and if something is not abusive, or he's not a cheat, then it must be great....What?! So then I realised that anything outside of that I feel I should be grateful for and not complain, just stay in the relationship and make it work.

 

So, if you managed to follow me up to here, there lies the problem... how do I not feel guilty about wanting a normal healthy relationship, which includes feeling Special? How do I tell my brain that it is normal to want that and I'm not being selfish or picky or ungrateful of what other people offer?

 

I can't even begin to think about other relationships now, I need to work through my feelings for my bf (before yesterday). But I do want this to change in me and I don't know how how.

 

Thanks for listening x

[kelvin2000]

In a relationship I strongly believe that boths mind supposed to be one for smooth running. A man that abuses her girlfriend/wife that is too bad. Considering your messages. You make right decisions because both a man and woman wants happiness. So i suggests you move on woth your life and ask God for a real man that has everything you want in him. Considering the sinearo your decision is right, try and put it off your mind. God is with you.

[Andrina]

Sometimes when you are not happy in the present, you think your happiness lies in the past. It's not there. You have to move forward.

 

Have you ever communicated to your bf what you need to feel loved? If you had and he ignored you, then maybe he doesn't care. If you haven't communicated this to him, he's not a mind reader. Just because he's not physically affectionate, doesn't mean he doesn't care. Maybe his family didn't engage in that and it's not a learned behavior for him. It doesn't mean he can't learn to behave in a manner that you crave.

 

Why not try to fix things before throwing in the towel. Tell him you love him and want the relationship to be the best it can be. Get the book The Five Love Languages and take turns reading the chapters aloud with him. Find out what each of you values in a relationship, and that way you can learn to give each other those necessary things.

 

Get the book Men are From Mars and Women are From Venus. It will teach you both about effective couples communication.

 

If he is willing to do everything on his part to improve things, maybe the relationship isn't as bad as you think. Get some counseling yourself to make sure you're not so damaged that good relationships repel you and you are attracted to dysfunction. Perhaps, in addition, couples counseling will also be helpful, since he seems like a good partner in other major ways. You can also read articles on how to spice up a partnership and share those ideas with him.

 

Don't expect that he's a white knight in a fairy tale who knows how to please you at every turn. Ask for what you want. The romance will be that he cares enough to hear you and complies with the request. Take care.

[Wiseman2]

It starts from within, not from them. Develop your life, work/school, interests, hobbies, friends and family.

 

Relationships are not about what you "need" they are about what you want. That's where the erroneous thinking is. "I need someone to say this or do that" and then proceed to be a doormat to fulfill those "needs". Decide that things are voluntary, in your control and most of all, a choice.

 

Never be desperate enough to let a guy crash at your house for yrs as a convenience, that's not a relationship.

I'm slowly coming to the realisation that breaking up is the right thing to do, because I do like affection and intimacy and believe it's a need, not a want.

[lostandhurt]

I am going to throw this out there and I want you to think about it long and hard.

 

Perhaps you equate the abuse as making you feel special and wanted. Men that are jealous and abusive are horrible but over time the women tend to see it as "Look how much he loves me and wants me" "Why else would he get so mad"

 

Your bf was nothing like the other men you have grown to know as normal and when you didn't get that feeling from him you of course felt like he was not all that into you. By your account he may have his own issues with closeness and being vulnerable.

 

I have a very good friend that is about as nice a guy as you would ever want to meet. He dated this beautiful woman for a while and it seemed to be going pretty well until it wasn't. I asked him what went wrong and he told me she didn't feel like he really liked her because he was just to nice and she needed him to be more stern with her, order her around and call he names so she would feel he really cared. Of course he didn't have a mean bone in his body so he broke up with her and she set off to find what she needed to feel wanted and loved. It was pretty sad that she had been conditioned over years of abusive relationships to NEED that to feel loved.

 

Could some of this relate to you?

 

Lost

[Ms Darcy]

I am going to throw this out there and I want you to think about it long and hard.

 

Perhaps you equate the abuse as making you feel special and wanted. Men that are jealous and abusive are horrible but over time the women tend to see it as "Look how much he loves me and wants me" "Why else would he get so mad"

 

Your bf was nothing like the other men you have grown to know as normal and when you didn't get that feeling from him you of course felt like he was not all that into you. By your account he may have his own issues with closeness and being vulnerable.

 

I have a very good friend that is about as nice a guy as you would ever want to meet. He dated this beautiful woman for a while and it seemed to be going pretty well until it wasn't. I asked him what went wrong and he told me she didn't feel like he really liked her because he was just to nice and she needed him to be more stern with her, order her around and call he names so she would feel he really cared. Of course he didn't have a mean bone in his body so he broke up with her and she set off to find what she needed to feel wanted and loved. It was pretty sad that she had been conditioned over years of abusive relationships to NEED that to feel loved.

 

Could some of this relate to you?

 

Lost

 

I think this is an interesting point. I don't know how to explain it, but neither extreme is particularly appealing. Abusive guys are not appealing for obvious reasons. But I think there's a more nuanced argument about so-called "nice guys" or whatever.

 

I have been in situations with "nice guys" who were just plain boring and doormat-like. Yes, they were very NICE PEOPLE, but they didn't have many interests and could not take the lead in any situation ever.

 

So, I think that in some cases what someone is looking for is a nice guy with an edge. Someone who has an interesting life AND passion for their gf. Someone who takes the lead on dates. Someone with at least SOME alpha qualities, versus beta.

 

It's a very far cry from wanting an abusive guy. But it does take a lot for a woman to get really clear within herself to ensure she's not skewing towards emotionally unavailable dudes to get some of that passion and attraction she's looking for.

 

By the way, I would say my DH is a nice guy with an edge. It's taken him a long time to get used to the idea that I don't need to approve everything he does. He's his own man. And that makes him more attractive. As he is when he's spontaneous and initiates intimacy. Things like that.

[boltnrun]

My ex was something like you.

 

His ex girlfriend (and his current girlfriend) did things like destroy his property, ordered him around, had screaming and physical fights with him and tried to burn his house down (the current one actually succeeded).

 

With me, I was steady and reliable in my feelings for him. I never cheated on him (both current and ex did) and never was shady about where I was and who I was with.

 

He told me some of the things his ex had done. And he "explained" to me that his ex had done all those things because she loved him so much she just lost control of herself. He said this with a proud smile on his face. Then turned to me and said "You've never done any of those things. You must not love me very much." And I stood there with my mouth hanging open.

 

Of course, he dumped me for the woman he's with now (the one who successfully burned his house down). He's been seen with black eyes because she punched him. And she's been seen with bruises that he gave her. He damaged her car so badly she could hardly drive it. And he declares she is the love of his life.

 

This is a sick, sick relationship. But apparently when they get used to the extreme lows and extreme highs, and they start to like the adrenaline rush of never knowing when he or she is going to blow his or her lid, anything else is boring.

 

Do you feel that anything less than a man who controls and abuses you is "boring"? Do you feel that extreme jealousy and control are signs of "love"?

 

Have you sought therapy to deal with your past abusive relationship?

[Tinkyonks]

I am going to throw this out there and I want you to think about it long and hard.

 

Perhaps you equate the abuse as making you feel special and wanted. Men that are jealous and abusive are horrible but over time the women tend to see it as "Look how much he loves me and wants me" "Why else would he get so mad"

 

Your bf was nothing like the other men you have grown to know as normal and when you didn't get that feeling from him you of course felt like he was not all that into you. By your account he may have his own issues with closeness and being vulnerable.

 

I have a very good friend that is about as nice a guy as you would ever want to meet. He dated this beautiful woman for a while and it seemed to be going pretty well until it wasn't. I asked him what went wrong and he told me she didn't feel like he really liked her because he was just to nice and she needed him to be more stern with her, order her around and call he names so she would feel he really cared. Of course he didn't have a mean bone in his body so he broke up with her and she set off to find what she needed to feel wanted and loved. It was pretty sad that she had been conditioned over years of abusive relationships to NEED that to feel loved.

 

Could some of this relate to you?

 

Lost

 

Yes, some relates to me but not all.

 

I loved my bf that I was with until yesterday, I was the one wanting affection and giving affection, telling him how sexy he is etc. I just wasn't getting it back. I told him how I felt loads of times and he would turn it back on me rather than trying to fix it.

I think he just wasn't into me tbh, and I have to just accept that. I reached out to the ex who was abusive but I would never ever meet with him and tbh today I don't feel like talking to him, maybe I just felt rejected by my bf, because he has rejected me.

 

I've been OK today but tonight I feel a little angry, sick of being taken for granted. At the moment I wouldn't want to be with anyone, I am completely sick of relationships and all the hassle they bring. But I'd rather feel like this than needy.

 

I suppose I will be up and down and have a range of emotions. My bf of 2.5 years just finished with me because I told him how I felt and he perceived it as criticism. So I feel angry that he clearly didn't give a toss about the relationship and was probably just looking for a way out anyway.

[Wiseman2]

This makes sense if he was just staying with you until his house was ready. Is that where he went?

was probably just looking for a way out anyway.

[Tinkyonks]

This makes sense if he was just staying with you until his house was ready. Is that where he went?

 

Yes. He moved in a couple of weeks ago, I helped him move. You know what, I'm angry. I don't think he was happy but perhaps just chugging along, I asked over and over 'do you still love me, are you happy, do you fancy me,?' And he kept saying 'yes i do, I'd tell you if I wasnt'. But you know what, he was never prepared to take on board anything I was unhappy about, just said I was creating problems, and left me to sort it out myself. He couldn't have cared or he would want to sort things out, so he couldn't have wanted to be with me. I told him when he moved how hard it was for me, but all he could say was 'but you knew it was going to happen'... I was always just left with trying to comfort myself or find a way to make myself feel better. I'm angry about that.

[Hermes]

Yes, Wiseman

 

"Relationships are not about what you "need" they are about what you want. That's where the erroneous thinking is"

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Yes it sounds like he was coasting along with the minimum effort to hang out until his house was ready. To be honest you dodged a bullet, he sounds kind of like a loser, a fake snake.

 

Hopefully your freedom and having your home back to yourself will turn a new page in dating men who are equal partners and bring something to the table. Did you cut contact with this useless user?

Yes. He moved in a couple of weeks ago, I helped him move.

[lostandhurt]

Anger is a good tool in times like these as it helps you see things more clearly. Let yourself be angry but don't dwell on it to long. We all hang on a little to long hoping it will get better so don't be to hard on yourself.

 

Time for total NC so you can heal and recharge your emotional batteries. This kind of thing can leave a bad tasted in your mouth but soon enough you will have some guy flirting with you and you will be receptive.

 

While you are single use the time wisely, there is much to learn from all this so the same mistakes are not repeated.

 

Lost

[Tinkyonks]

Sorry to hear this. Yes it sounds like he was coasting along with the minimum effort to hang out until his house was ready. To be honest you dodged a bullet, he sounds kind of like a loser, a fake snake.

 

Hopefully your freedom and having your home back to yourself will turn a new page in dating men who are equal partners and bring something to the table. Did you cut contact with this useless user?

 

i dont want to think badly of him, i still love him. he was honest from the start about not wanting to live with me and he moved in for only what he thought was going to be a few months, and he did contribute to bills.

 

i then got used to him being there, and i liked it. i knew he was going to move out one day so once when i was finding this waiting hard i suggested maybe he ought to move out at that point and get a room until his house came through because the longer we lived together the harder i was going to find it when he moved out eventually. he thought that was selfish of me and couldnt understand why i was finding it hard. so in the end i agreed that i would try to deal with my feelings about it.

 

so what was going to be him staying for 3 months turned into a year and a half.

 

when he then did move out the whole reality of it just hit me. and he again couldnt understand why i was finding it difficult because he said he has always been honest about not wanting to live with me. which is true.

 

he also doesnt understand why i would want to meet his family or friends and thinks it is unusual and we have different ideas of what a relationship should be so are not right for each other.

 

he has admitted that he doesnt love me anymore, so i am trying to just move on but im finidng it very difficult and am having trouble sleeping.

 

i just wish that i could skip this part and feel happy again. i feel miserable and unattractive, and terrible at relationships.

[Tinkyonks]

i know deep down in my heart, well probably my head actually! that he is right, and that maybe we are not suited. i am very affectionate and i love to cuddle and feel close to someone, whereas he doesnt understand this or even need this. i remember him once saying that he doesnt need cuddles... that i find really hard to understand as for me its one of the things i love most.

 

in a way i think this is probably what has caused me to feel rejected, then think im being rejected, act rejected, keep asking for kisses, hugs etc until eventually i AM rejected. i probably just got sadder and sadder underneath.

 

i supose i was just craving that attachment and feeling of togetherness and he was pushing against it, because he doesnt want that feeling of being completely together... he actually likes to feel 'apart'.

[Tinkyonks]

Yes, Wiseman

 

"Relationships are not about what you "need" they are about what you want. That's where the erroneous thinking is"

 

i dont know if i agree. there are things you need in a relationship or it can never work, because for you they are a need... such as intimacy, trust, honesty, openess. but there are other things you could survive without, but would be nice if he had them... a job, similar hobbies, similar taste in music.

 

thats why, i think, they are separate

[Tinkyonks]

another thing that i felt more and more sad about which started to cause resentment was that he would only ever be really loving and affectionate when he was drunk.

 

i used to like him getting drunk for this reason, as it was the only time i felt he was really loving towards me.

 

i remember telling him early on in our relationship that as a child i was resentful of alcohol because my mum onky ever seemed really happy when she was drunk... i used to not like it because i felt resentful that she wasnt happy the rest of the time. at the time he didnt understand this, and said that i shouldnt have felt resentful because it was o.k if drinking made her happy.

 

so i began to see the same thing in him. he used to call me if he was out and drunk and i began not answering the phone because i knew it wasnt real, i knew that whatever pleasure i got from it would be short lived because in the morning he wouldnt have remembered what he said.

 

he would even be more talkative when drunk but i stopped wanting to have conversations because he wouldnt remember and i would feel irritated that i was having a conversation that tomorrow would be void.

 

however, sometimes i would want him to drink so that i could get some feeling that he wanted to be with me.

 

i dont drink that much because it just sends me to sleep or gives me a migraine for days on end.