boltnrun Posted October 30, 2016 Share Posted October 30, 2016 Oh no totally not...you see people kissing and holding hands in the streets everyday...but since he is my ex thats what is bothering me Again, you are inventing something to worry and obsess about. You MIGHT someday have a new boyfriend and your ex MIGHT somehow get this (currently imaginary) boyfriend's contact information and your ex MIGHT decide for some unknown reason to send this fictional boyfriend pics of you and him holding hands and for some reason this upsets you. Why are you searching for things to get upset over? Has this ex of yours ever indicated that he's furious over your breakup and that he wants to attempt in some way to ruin any future relationships you might have? What are your interests and hobbies? Do you make plans with friends to go places and do things? Link to comment
Hermes Posted October 30, 2016 Share Posted October 30, 2016 Why are you searching for things to get upset over? I ask the same. I know you are a student, and no doubt you get stressed at times. But catastrophising is not good, and futurising less so. Link to comment
Kenda Posted October 30, 2016 Author Share Posted October 30, 2016 We broke up in a very bitter way we couldn't even stay friends... I rarely go out...I study most of the time....I'm a medical student and have 6exams left till I'm a doctor.. And you guys keep saying IF I GET A BOYFRIEND...I don't plan on dying alone you know...eventhough medical school is a very big sacrifice... Link to comment
JaggerJim Posted October 30, 2016 Share Posted October 30, 2016 Do you feel that him holding onto photos of you is making a mockery of you, since he wouldn't change his lifestyle. If he still has the photo's of you, then he still has a part of you even tho he wouldn't change to keep you in his life. Link to comment
Jeffbobo Posted October 30, 2016 Share Posted October 30, 2016 Oh no totally not...you see people kissing and holding hands in the streets everyday...but since he is my ex thats what is bothering me Then you are letting these pictures and him have control over you. They're just harmless pictures really. Why care? Also, at one time he *deserved* those pictures or you wouldn't have been in them. Am I wrong? Link to comment
Hermes Posted October 30, 2016 Share Posted October 30, 2016 And for all you know Kenda, he may have burnt the whole lot. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted October 30, 2016 Share Posted October 30, 2016 We broke up in a very bitter way we couldn't even stay friends... I rarely go out...I study most of the time....I'm a medical student and have 6exams left till I'm a doctor.. And you guys keep sayinf IF I GET A BOYFRIEND...I don't plan on dying alone you know...eventhougj medical school is a very big sacrifice But you're worrying over someone who doesn't even exist yet! You're worried about something that you think might happen, which is a time waster. Sounds like you have more important things to focus on. Medical school is no joke and not easy. So why waste time worrying about something you're inventing in your own mind? Link to comment
Kenda Posted October 30, 2016 Author Share Posted October 30, 2016 And for all you know Kenda, he may have burnt the whole lot. What does this mean? I don't understand? Link to comment
Kenda Posted October 30, 2016 Author Share Posted October 30, 2016 But you're worrying over someone who doesn't even exist yet! You're worried about something that you think might happen, which is a time waster. Sounds like you have more important things to focus on. Medical school is no joke and not easy. So why waste time worrying about something you're inventing in your own mind? You're right..thanks for your advice Link to comment
Hermes Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 The whole lot of photos, Kenda!! He may have burnt them (if they were prints) or permanently deleted them if they were on a computer. Anyhow, what does it matter. Is there some way you get your mind of this kind of catastrophising. You are at medical school. That is a long and rigorous course. Perhaps you might like to speak to someone in confidence at the faculty/hospital/institution where you are studying? Talking about an issue can help, face to face. Link to comment
Kenda Posted October 31, 2016 Author Share Posted October 31, 2016 Do you feel that him holding onto photos of you is making a mockery of you, since he wouldn't change his lifestyle. If he still has the photo's of you, then he still has a part of you even tho he wouldn't change to keep you in his life. Kind of...he doesn't deserve them..he didn't deserve my time...or any of those photos..he wanted me to accept his crazy lifestyle and stay with him...I wanted him to change Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 Me thinks it's time you start focusing 100% on your medical school/exams, instead of wasting so much time and energy on non-issues. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 Kind of...he doesn't deserve them..he didn't deserve my time...or any of those photos..he wanted me to accept his crazy lifestyle and stay with him...I wanted him to change So he's not obsessing over you, you're obsessing over how he doesn't "deserve" these photos. And so you've invented this fictional scenario where he tries to sabotage your future relationships. But when did he tell you that he doesn't want you to move on and that he's going to try to ruin any future relationship you might have? Did he actually threaten to send your next boyfriend these photos? Link to comment
Kenda Posted October 31, 2016 Author Share Posted October 31, 2016 The whole lot of photos, Kenda!! He may have burnt them (if they were prints) or permanently deleted them if they were on a computer. Anyhow, what does it matter. Is there some way you get your mind of this kind of catastrophising. You are at medical school. That is a long and rigorous course. Perhaps you might like to speak to someone in confidence at the faculty/hospital/institution where you are studying? Talking about an issue can help, face to face. No it doesn't bother me 24/7...I think about it only sometimes....I just wanted to knoe if you'all agreed with me Link to comment
Kenda Posted October 31, 2016 Author Share Posted October 31, 2016 And so you've invented this fictional scenario where he tries to sabotage your future relationships. But when did he tell you that he doesn't want you to move on and that he's going to try to ruin any future relationship you might have? Did he actually threaten to send your next boyfriend these photos? No he didn't...I'm just thinking of every horrible option possible haha Anyway I have to study thank you all for your help...I'll just have to forget it. Link to comment
Hermes Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 So now it's something different, kenda. Not about being judged by (?). But rather that he does not deserve the photos..... Well that's a philosophical conondrum, but one that you'd be best not twisting your mind into knots over. "I wanted him to change" Aaah, K, the millions of people who have said that. Wanting someone to change..... I've got news for you. We can't change anyone. Besides you must have found something to attract you in this man if you took up with him in the first place. Anyhow, back to the photos. Try to forget about them, would you. For your own sake. Link to comment
melancholy123 Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 I dont live in the US either. You can't pick and choose his memories for him. You can delete all remnants of him if you like but you dont get to tell him what he can keep on his computer. Let this go! Link to comment
boltnrun Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 I just don't get why you'd choose to torture yourself mentally like this. Especially when you have so much more important things to focus on. And especially since your ex never even mentioned sending the photos to anyone, let alone a future new boyfriend of yours. That's why I asked about hobbies. Having something fun or relaxing to do in between your studies would be a much more enjoyable way to spend your free time. Link to comment
Kenda Posted October 31, 2016 Author Share Posted October 31, 2016 It's a mix of reasons why I want him to delete them. Thank you all for your help ! All the best to you all I have let him go...I can let this go too...I am an overthinker this too has caused many problems... Anyway thanks Link to comment
Hermes Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 Good night Kenda. And try to quiet your mind a bit. "I don't plan on dying alone you know" We can plan all we like in this world, doesn't mean that those plans come to fruition. When you become a doctor you are going to see a lot of people dying alone, in fact. You may well turn out to be the only person by their side. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 ..I am an overthinker this too has caused many problems... There ya go!! Now that you know that, time to not think anymore. Link to comment
Longview01 Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 You sound controlling Link to comment
notalady Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 It's a mix of reasons why I want him to delete them. Thank you all for your help ! All the best to you all I have let him go...I can let this go too...I am an overthinker this too has caused many problems... Anyway thanks Glad you decided to let it go. It's a total non-issue and you can't control what people want to do with things (including photos) in their possession, it's theirs whether you think they "deserve it" or not. You're still thinking about him and these scenarios because you're still in contact with him despite breaking up ages ago. Only way to prevent him disrupting your life in any way in the future is to cut him off completely from your contact. With time passing, you both moving on, you each become a distant memory to the other, pretty much a stranger. No reason for him to send or say or do anything to whoever you shall be involved with in the future, no reason for him to even be interested in finding out that information. Case resolved. Link to comment
youareworthy Posted November 2, 2016 Share Posted November 2, 2016 Dear Kenda, I am going with my gut here, but I think the key phrase is "he doesn't deserve to have them." My perception is that he hurt you badly during your relationship, and you are angry and bitter towards him for the harm he has done to you. Do you wish for him to be deprived of anything loving or beautiful about your relationship because he has so utterly destroyed for you all the love and beauty in the relationship? If my hunch is correct, the best way to get through this obsession with whether he has pictures of you two is to forgive him for his mistakes and poor choices. . I suggest you write down all the things he did that hurt you, every specific memory. Then I would say, "I forgive you, Pieter (or whatever his name is), for cheating on me on my birthday (or whatever the offense was)." Once you have gone down the whole list, striving to forgive him for each offense, a wondrous thing will occur in you: you will feel light, so unencumbered, you will feel as though you could fly! Then take that list, and either shred it or burn in a fireplace or fire pit outside. Then, when those angry, bitter thoughts attack again, just tell the thoughts to get out of here, because you have already forgiven him and burned or shredded the list. You can forgive him, and the sooner the better, because the you will have the "monkey" of anger, bitterness and pain off of your back I know from painful experience whereof I speak, dear Kenda. Take care. Youareworthy Link to comment
ken78 Posted November 6, 2016 Share Posted November 6, 2016 What's wrong with that? in muslim countries that can be a no-no outside of marriage. though dunno if she is in that situation. Link to comment
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