My mother is disappointed in me, any advice?

[Slim Dog]

Hey y'all. So I come from a really good upper class family that always put me first, and I have always been very respectful of my parents and have never wanted to do anything that would make them angry or disappointed in me. I'm currently 20 years old, and I am in a university for a chemistry degree for pharmaceuticals/manufacturing medicine (I would like to work for a hospital). I have A's or B's in all my classes, and always put in effort into my school work since they are paying for it. I dress professionally, have been very athletic for years, don't cheat or steal, I hang out with positive and intelligent people, and I always visit home frequently/message my parents so they know I care about them. I'm also dating a Christian girl.

 

Well see, the one thing I do that my mother (my dad is OK with it) doesn't approve of is "smoke" (but of course they don't care when I come home with a handle of rum when I was 18/19). I didn't want to ask at "that" forum, because it mostly consists of 18-36 year olds, and I wanted to get advice from actual people and parents and mature, responsible adults. My brother got me into it when I was 16, and she had caught me doing it when I was 17, and was very upset with me. Well I gave it a break for awhile, then when I moved off for college, I started again.

 

Everything was going fine up until last weekend when I visited home to help my grandmother setup her flower arrangements for the fair (380 miles away). I guess my car had retained the smell, and when my mother was talking to me through my car as I was heading back to school, I guess she knew what it was.

 

Anyway, my mother provides me with a little bit of money so I don't have to work during the school year, and I can stockpile my summer earnings. I make sure not to spend her money on my entertainment funds, in fact, I donate plasma/spend my own money I saved this summer for it. She sent me a text message saying that she had sent my check, but doesn't want me to be spending her money on that, and she was sad and disappointed. I just told her to keep her money then if she thinks that's what I'm spending it on, and I'll get a job.

 

I've just felt really uneasy/slightly depressed since then, I've lost my appetite, and I don't know what to do. I would understand her feeling that way if I was a burnout that didn't give two hoots about the future, never showed up to classes, was just a piece of white trash that hung around on the street corners in wife beaters buying booze for 14 year old girls so they would do sexual acts with me, and the only thing I did was smoke dope all day. If all goes as expected, I will be making close to 6 figures after a good bit of time in the career.

 

I'd never want my mother to feel this way, but I'm only going to have a few more years of school, and after that I will most likely be on routine lab drug tests. By the way, I'm talking about pot (which is decriminalized in my area), nothing hard. I know plenty of people that I went to high school with who got hooked onto other stuff like Xanax, and would get so messed up that they had no idea the past week even happened...they of course were the dropouts.

 

Can anyone give me some advice on what I should do or say? I don't want to argue. I just want her to know that she really means a lot to me, and I don't want her to be disappointed in me for this... (btw, I read the rules and I'll assume this topic is ok). This isn't really a who's right/who's wrong situation, but if you have criticism for me, please let me know. I've gotten a lot of good advice here, so thank you in advance

 

- Like I mentioned above, she is OK with me getting drunk using a fake ID since I graduated high school, which strikes me as weird.

[agent1607307371]

I don't want her to be disappointed in me for this...

 

Not something you can control.

 

Pot might be legal where you are now, but for a lot of people it will still carry the illegal bad drugs that will lead to a life of nothingness stigma. If you're going to smoke you have to accept that your mum will not like it. But that is growing up - doing things an accepting that not everyone will like them and that you will disappoin t other with choices you make.

[Wiseman2]

Don't smoke pot in your car. Don't get defensive. Tell her you were at a party and tried it again, that you are not buying it etc. Most parents don't know every detail of stuff their college kids are doing.

I guess my car had retained the smell, and when my mother was talking to me through my car as I was heading back to school, I guess she knew what it was.

 

She sent me a text message saying that she had sent my check, but doesn't want me to be spending her money on that, and she was sad and disappointed.

]

[moodindigo91]

The way I see it is this: you are basically an adult who can make his own decisions, you make pretty good decisions, you're doing well in school, excelling in every other way, you are respectful, get good grades, you are well on your way to a successful career, etc... your mom doesn't like that you smoke weed now, but I bet you she'll get over it in time, because you are her son, and a damn good son at that, and she loves you despite.

 

I smoke weed, too (I started for medical reasons... I was prescribed a THC tincture for migraines and anxiety but I smoke recreationally) I am a fully functioning adult who makes good decisions, has a full-time job, and many other priorities (though my boss also smokes, I live in Southern California, so it's a thing). I don't agree that pot will always carry with it a bad stigma, I think alcohol and even tobacco are way worse drugs with way more adverse effects, but your mom may never understand that or change her mind.

 

There's not much you can do about that except wait it out. She'll get over it eventually. I had a similar issue when I finally came out to my mother as an atheist and stopped going to church. I was raised Catholic. She third degreed me for a while, but she got over it. Your mom will, too.

 

An easier way out... you don't have to tell her you smoke regularly... unless you did already.

[abitbroken]

When I was 16-21, I used the argument (not argument=fighting but argument=defense in debate) that "I wasn't having sex, taking drugs, walking the streets at night, pregnant, shoplifting, getting detention, etc. so therefore anything else I did paled in comparison. Their want for me to keep an organized or at least not filthy health department room, getting that B- in a class that I was talented at but they knew I was not applying myself fully, not calling them to tell them I was going straight to work instead of coming home etc, should be just overlooked because other parents had kids who were taking drugs, in juvie, etc, etc. Your argument about your grades, donating plasma (so selfless!) and dating a Christian girl is you using the same argument that I did - just differently....

 

The truth of the matter is, getting a B- in that class I was a child prodigy at but decided not to care anymore did not get measured against all the other stuff I was not doing. It was getting a B- in that class (my parents had a good point because if I slipped then, I wouldn't be caught up for the next level, etc, and it would snowball the next year). It wasn't "well that's okay because she is home by 10 pm everynight and not out being a wino"

 

As we mature (hopefully) that line of logic that we use starts to change.

 

And therefore, smoking cigarettes and or pot is smoking cigarettes or pot. The goodness/badness of it does not get downgraded or upgraded against the other stuff you do or do not do. There is no parent who really wants the best for their kid who says "Oh good, they smoke. Phew! That's a relief - its not heroine or human trafficking!" The only people I know who don't give their kids a hard time about smoking are people that smoke themselves and even then, those that tried to quit off and on wished their kids never started and they had never set that example.

 

Think about it - if you smoke pot, you could throw your future away in about a minute if your new employer subjected you to a drug test, or you got pulled over, etc. , or the wrong person smells it in your car. Your mother is protective of you and rightfully wants the best for you.

 

Maybe hearing someone other than your peers express disappointment in you is making you think.

[j.man]

Literally the only way she could know is if you overshare or smoke / store weed in dumb places she'd smell it.

 

Out of respect, I wouldn't use her money to buy it. I would just work a single shift a week at a grocery store or fast food place to buy your week's worth of pot.

 

So long as you're keeping up with your responsibilities, I'm sure she'd simply rather not know, and that should be easy to ensure.

[abitbroken]

- Like I mentioned above, she is OK with me getting drunk using a fake ID since I graduated high school, which strikes me as weird.

 

I am sure she was not "okay" with it. Dad may have talked her out of killing you, or she saw it as a one time stupid thing you did, you don't remember her atitude because you were drunk or she was just more concerned about you being home safe. At any rate, a one time stupid thing is treated differently than something that is an ongoing habit. I am positive your mom did not say "honey, GREAT! I approve of your drunkenness"

 

Also, keep in mind while pot might be legal in your area, it is not federally legal. If you cross the state border with your car stinking of pot, if you get pulled over for driving too slow or drifting out of your lane, etc, the "legal in my area" doesn't cover you if you are smoking a joint or a cloud comes out of your car when you are pulled over. Inside your car is considered on your private property in some towns, and not in others. and if the wheels are rolling, its a different matter

[journeynow]

I just told her to keep her money then if she thinks that's what I'm spending it on, and I'll get a job.

 

Well, this was not a mature way to handle it. You could have told her what you told us. "I make sure not to spend your money on my entertainment funds, in fact, I donate plasma/spend my own money I saved this summer for it ."

 

Do you know why she doesn't approve of smoking pot?

 

Is there a link between smoking pot and lung cancer, like there is with cigarettes?

[gypsybird87]

Disclaimer: My response here is probably colored by a similar ongoing battle I've had with my mother regarding church attendance.

 

You're an adult and this is your decision. Period. If you want to smoke pot and it's legal in your area, knock yourself out. You don't owe her an apology and you don't need her permission. As long as you aren't endangering yourself or others while driving high and other dumb stuff that I'm sure you're not doing, then there is nothing wrong with you choosing what you want to do with your own body.

 

Out of respect for her: Don't smoke in her house. Don't visit reeking of smoke. Air out your car. Don't spend her money on it. (I know you're already doing most of these things). I'd adopt a sort of 'don't ask, don't tell' mindset. If she asks, don't lie. This is her issue, not yours, and there's no reason for you to cover it up. But also, don't put triggers in front of her like lingering odor, paraphernalia, etc, that might prompt her to ask or otherwise comment her displeasure.

 

If you do end up in another conversation, then I'd give a mature response that 1) helps alleviate her natural mom worries, and 2) makes clear that this is your choice and it's not up for discussion. Such as:

 

Mom: "I can't believe you're still smoking that horrible stuff, I thought you were smarter than that blah blah blah".

 

Slim: "I'm sorry you feel that way, Mom. If it helps at all, please know that I never, ever spend the money you give me to purchase it, and I only smoke in a safe environment, when I don't need to drive anywhere."

 

Any further blah blah, reiterate, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Stay calm, polite, respectful, but hold your ground. You're an adult. This is your choice. As others have said, she loves you, and you're a good son. This isn't going to be a deal-breaker in your relationship with her- she's your mom! Just avoid putting triggers in front of her, and let her make her own peace with it.

[ButterflyWrists]

Can I just point out, smoking pot changes your response and reaction times, so please don't smoke and drive just like drinking and driving is a no go. She may think you're behaving recklessly by smoking in your car and not want a part of that. There's nothing you can do about your mum's feelings, but to respect them when you're with her and your family and not have it around them or with you when you visit.

[DancingFool]

If it's causing you this much pain and anguish and will ultimately be a problem for you professionally, as in drug tests, why are you even bothering doing it?

 

Also, yeah pot stench in the car - I would be questioning your judgment as well. Driving under the influence of any kind is illegal and just flat out dangerous period. Just simple common sense. Plus, while it may be legal in your state, take that car out to another state and you are looking at a potentially unpleasant, if not outright destructive, encounter with law enforcement. Get a drug charge on your record and you can kiss your career good bye, legal or illegal in your state being completely irrelevant. Personally, I think it's that part that would be extremely disappointing for me personally.

 

The other aspect that you need to consider is that tobacco, alcohol, pot, etc - can all be extremely addictive to some people and do wreck lives. Your parents will be automatically worried that you might be the one who gets addicted and ends up in the gutter as a result. No matter how well you are doing now, understand that parents pretty much always worry and imagine the worst and are terrified of that.

[qwaspolk82]

Hey y'all. So I come from a really good upper class family that always put me first, and I have always been very respectful of my parents and have never wanted to do anything that would make them angry or disappointed in me. I'm currently 20 years old, and I am in a university for a chemistry degree for pharmaceuticals/manufacturing medicine (I would like to work for a hospital). I have A's or B's in all my classes, and always put in effort into my school work since they are paying for it. I dress professionally, have been very athletic for years, don't cheat or steal, I hang out with positive and intelligent people, and I always visit home frequently/message my parents so they know I care about them. I'm also dating a Christian girl.

 

Well see, the one thing I do that my mother (my dad is OK with it) doesn't approve of is "smoke" (but of course they don't care when I come home with a handle of rum when I was 18/19). I didn't want to ask at "that" forum, because it mostly consists of 18-36 year olds, and I wanted to get advice from actual people and parents and mature, responsible adults. My brother got me into it when I was 16, and she had caught me doing it when I was 17, and was very upset with me. Well I gave it a break for awhile, then when I moved off for college, I started again.

 

Everything was going fine up until last weekend when I visited home to help my grandmother setup her flower arrangements for the fair (380 miles away). I guess my car had retained the smell, and when my mother was talking to me through my car as I was heading back to school, I guess she knew what it was.

 

Anyway, my mother provides me with a little bit of money so I don't have to work during the school year, and I can stockpile my summer earnings. I make sure not to spend her money on my entertainment funds, in fact, I donate plasma/spend my own money I saved this summer for it. She sent me a text message saying that she had sent my check, but doesn't want me to be spending her money on that, and she was sad and disappointed. I just told her to keep her money then if she thinks that's what I'm spending it on, and I'll get a job.

 

I've just felt really uneasy/slightly depressed since then, I've lost my appetite, and I don't know what to do. I would understand her feeling that way if I was a burnout that didn't give two hoots about the future, never showed up to classes, was just a piece of white trash that hung around on the street corners in wife beaters buying booze for 14 year old girls so they would do sexual acts with me, and the only thing I did was smoke dope all day. If all goes as expected, I will be making close to 6 figures after a good bit of time in the career.

 

I'd never want my mother to feel this way, but I'm only going to have a few more years of school, and after that I will most likely be on routine lab drug tests. By the way, I'm talking about pot (which is decriminalized in my area), nothing hard. I know plenty of people that I went to high school with who got hooked onto other stuff like Xanax, and would get so messed up that they had no idea the past week even happened...they of course were the dropouts.

 

Can anyone give me some advice on what I should do or say? I don't want to argue. I just want her to know that she really means a lot to me, and I don't want her to be disappointed in me for this... (btw, I read the rules and I'll assume this topic is ok). This isn't really a who's right/who's wrong situation, but if you have criticism for me, please let me know. I've gotten a lot of good advice here, so thank you in advance

 

- Like I mentioned above, she is OK with me getting drunk using a fake ID since I graduated high school, which strikes me as weird.

 

You got depressed because your mom got mad at you for smoking? Really? It's not that big of a deal. My dad was disappointed when he found out my youngest brother started smoking at 18 but what could he do? Nothing. My brother sure didn't get depressed or anything. I understand everyone is different.

 

Have you talked to her? If it was me I would tell whichever parent that I love them and appreciate their view but I'm an adult. I can smoke if I want to. I understand the risks. But it's my life to do with what I wish. There are bigger things you could be doing for her to be disappointed. If she gets y about it then you need to lay down the law.

 

But there is no reason to be depressed or not eating or uneasy about your mom doesn't like you smoke.

 

I just realized smoking pot. Ok that's different I thought you mean smoking cigarettes.

 

My other brother smokes pot and my dad doesn't like it but he's in his 30s now he can't do anything about it. He doesn't do it near my dad. And not very often. I'd still talk to the mom and tell her this is my life and oh well. I would probably not do it if you have a job that tests you though.