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I Feel Like I Let A Monster Loose


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Does anyone else experience guilty feelings when they know that an abusive ex is with someone?

I lived with "A" for about two years. In that time he cheated with what I found out was close to 100 different women, men etc. He was extremely abusive, especially psychologically and also physically, sexually, financially etc.

I got an email from a girl named "C" a few days ago. I had actually emailed her about a year and a half ago because A had bragged to me about this girl sending him sexual messages and when I got angry that he hadn't blocked her he said she was a psycho ex girlfriend out to ruin our relationship and it didn't matter if he blocked her because she always made new profiles to stalk him. At that time I messaged her just asking if she was aware of me. I heard nothing.

For some reason she replied just a few days ago saying she didn't know about me and that her and A had been having sex for a long time. I apologized to her for bothering her but also advised her to make sure she get tested because right before I left he had given me an STI (which he promptly blamed on me). She thanked me for that and also mentioned he had recently broken her hip during an argument. I let her know that this behaviour was not surprising and to be careful. She told me she didnt want to speak to him anymore and had blocked him. I felt relieved for her.

I still have terrible PTSD from the relationship. If I even see something fictional on tv of someone yelling or being agressive with their partner it can trigger an anxiety attack. When C emailed me I had terrible anxiety for most of the day.

I got an email from A about three months ago saying he was sorry, he loved me and wanted me back in his life. I responded saying if he contacted me again I would be calling the police. I have not heard from him.

He has been dating and living with another girl called "K" for awhile now. I hear things through the grapevine and so forth. My best friend also still lives in the same building as him, we have a few mutual friends etc.

I feel terrible for her. Obviously I know of at least one girl he's been having sex with behind her back ©. Occasionally when visiting my friend we've been on the front porch and he's chased K out of their house screaming at her as she cries and usually gets in her car and drives away. When she isn't there the house is like a revolving door of women.

I know it's not my place to get involved or reach out to K. I just feel terrible for her. What if he hurts her? Or gives her an STI? Rapes her or steals her credit cards like he did to me?

I guess I'm just wondering how other people in my situation deal with the guilt and the anxiety associated with feeling like when you finally left the abuser that you released him into the world to victimize someone else?

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Sorry you've been through all this; it sounds like a devastating experience and I can relate to having terrible anxiety after C contacted you. However, it might be useful to think about the following...


This abuser's actions are his responsibility, whether you're in a relationship with him or not. Period. As you say, it's not your place to get involved and you've already done everything you realistically can to warn others. If she hasn't worked out by now what sort of person he is, nobody will be able to tell her until she has. When I left an abusive relationship a few years back, I realised that all my friends had seen him far more clearly than I had - but I'd resisted hearing what they were saying to me.


While his actions, his relationships etc are HIS responsibility, your responsibility is to take hold of your own healing. You don't say whether you're seeing a therapist or not, but it might help with processing all this material. You need to recognise where you finish and other people start - and you've got enough pain of your own to deal with, without taking on guilt and anxiety for other people. That's their responsibility, not yours, and dwelling on something you can do nothing about will only make your own situation feel even worse.


It's difficult for people who've never been through this kind of experience to appreciate the horrors of it all, but there is help out there!



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I Feel Like I Let A Monster Loose


You never had control over him in the first place. If you have evidence of his abuse of you and want to press charges against him, that's your option, but you don't have the ability to control any other outcomes by putting your own safety at risk to meddle in his life now.


Your mistake was getting involved with him in the first place and then sticking around to stay involved. So what's the point in liberating yourself from someone only to involve yourself even more?


Consider therapy and put your focus on fixing your own life and your own man picker. Allow others to do the same for themselves.

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